Step Talk

you need to start loving yourself.

Love yourself like you've never loved yourself before.

I say this to you because I think you feel that you need someone to complete your life. I hear you grieve this horrible relationship along with the one you had with your ex. Stop it. Stop worrying about a future relationship that hasn't even begun. Start filling your calendar with those things that you want to do FOR YOU. Make a relationship an impossiblity with your schedule. Then when you've began seeing and realizing how great you really are, hopefully someone worthy will stumble into your life.....

When are you going to start living your life for you?

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

I do love my FH he is kind to me and loves me and does treat me with respect for the most part, he tries hard and is good to my boys, but sometimes when I am way low, I wonder if I should still stay with it.
I really do hate the whole stepparent thing, I hate the eow and having to be accountable to BM when the mood strikes her.
however you will love again, when I was younger A LONG LONG time ago, I was deeply madly crazy for this guy Steve, I mean he walked on water to me, I went away to college and would come home when I could, one weekend home I ran into a friend that informed me that Steve was F*ing a good friend of mine, I could not believe it, turned out to be true (and he did some really awful things to me too)and I tried to commit suicide. I was a mess. lost nearly 20lbs became a hermit.
I did recover, but for me no man ever held a candle to him even when I got married to my ex.
That was nearly 25 years ago, and for 20 of those I still kinda loved him, however, I then met my FH and he is 100x the man that Steve ever was. he has erased everything that I felt for Steve FOREVER>
so yes you will love again HOPEFULLY it will not take you 25 yrs but it will happen.
stay strong chave you deserved to be loved and love again!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I'm sure a crack head wonders if they'll ever feel that rush if they never take it again. Or a pot head wonders if they'll ever feel that relaxed if they never smoke pot again. Or an alcoholic wonders if they'll ever feel that carefree if they never drink again. Your H made (past tense) you feel wonderful, but at what cost? Just like the things mentioned, he's been toxic to you & destroyed a part of you. Is it worth it?

There are other men on the planet who can share a love with you that's HEALTHY. I think what you need to do is learn to be healthy & independent... & only accept healthy things (that's where boundaries come in.)

My healthiest relationship was with a guy who was my best friend. The only reason we didn't get together was because I knew he wouldn't work with me on tough issues... he would just bail when things got tough. In fact, that's how he ended our friendship. No. I ended it after he bailed on our friendship the 3rd time & I told him I wouldn't be there to pull hinm out of trouble anymore. But you know, it was really sad & I miss him to this day sometimes... key word: SOMETIMES. But I'm okay with it. That's why people write sad songs. But what I really miss about him is my partner in crime (so to speak.) We had such a blast, we could act so stupid together & it was just funny. We could make fun of each other without really hurting each others feelings. We could nearly read each other's minds. And he never actually lashed out at me... ever. Now, I'd love to meet someone like that again, but do you think I could meet someone like that who isn't self destructive?

I remain optimistic. But if I never do, I'm okay with that. I would rather be alone than with someone who treats me like shit on their shoe.

Cajun Lady

You have to see it as not only the best thing for you, but also for them.

Time will tell whether or not he will always have a place in your heart. Right now it seems unbearable for you, but you will move on.
You do need to work on being alone for a while. Avoid starting any new romances while this still hurts.

From what you've said of this man, I think he will be greatly diminished in your heart. I've been with a man or two who was a jerk and couldn't really see it while I was with them.

What's funny is how hard it is to walk away from a bad situation. I read somewhere that the average woman who is BEATEN by her lover tries to leave them 6 times before it is for good.

You'll survive. Good luck.

There's a reason why it's called a "fairytale romance." Not because it turns out happily ever after, but because the whole thing is a fairytale in the first place.

I know once you are out you won't miss the abuse for a second. Try not to think of this as an ending. Think of it as a beginning. Instead of wasting another ounce of your passion on someone who can't appreciate it, invest that passion in yourself. You deserve it and so does your boy.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

When my ex wife and I separated I decided to start doing things to make a difference. Instead of going out and just dating to be dating, I got involved with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. My first two matches didn't go all that well, but the last one was a 12 year old boy. We were matched up for 3 years and he was a great kid. We started doing things again last year and now he is a 17 year old man. Tall and strong. Healthy and happy. We were eating lunch and he told me that he thought I had been a positive influence in his life. Talk about boosting my ego.

When my daughter was younger we would go bike riding over to her school. We rode over one day and had been planning to go to Chuck E. Cheese -- she couldn't have been more than 7. One of her best friends told her she wished she had a dad who would go bike riding with her and take her to Chuck E. Cheese. Now her dad is a great dad. I felt twelve feet tall though. Hearing words like that from your child?

I started going to the gym and working out. I feel better. I got involved in community activities -- supporting the arts and chidren's charities. Now I am on the board of Habitat for Humanity. Damn, I am helping build homes for people who need them. That makes me feel good about myself.

You don't have to have to go to those levels -- help out at a church or help serve food to a homeless sheler. One of my best friends goes to the St John's breadline and serves food one weekend a month. Not a huge thing to do, but if everyone did one little thing? What a better world this would be.

I think there is one truth -- you have to love and respect yourself before anyone else can love and respect you.

Kevin

Years ago, I was in a relationship with a very powerful, super smart, wealthy man. I definitely thought I loved him at one point. I was certainly in awe of him and I never thought I could survive without him. He was also emotionally abusive to me and I was afraid to leave him. I doubted myself over and over again. Was it me, did I deserve this. Would it be different for someone else. Could I change him/me??? Bottom line, it took me so long to find my own strength to leave. In hindsight, I can't believe I stayed. I think in every situation, we know deep down inside what is the best thing for us. Our intellect or fear reflexes find reasons to ignore the messages our inner God is telling us. You too, know what is best and you will find the strength when you are ready. Be kind to yourself.

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau

Thank you everyone who responded. This is all extremely helpful, there are a lot of things you wrote that I want to remember.

Still going through times of being really sad, alternating with times of being really disgusted.

I'm at work and can respond more later, but just wanted to thank you all for your words.

Yes, I did leave someone that I was still in love with. We would have married, we had been together for five years when it happened. He became suddenly ill with schizophrenia, it happened so fast. This is something you can't ignore or second guess, you know when someone is schizophrenic. Your learn that there is so much ignorance surrounding mental illness. There was no warning sign, no he wasn't weak of mind, or unintelligent (on the contrary is was very smart), or badly abused as a child -- he just has bad brain chemicals. He became paranoid and delusional, the things he spoke of were complete fiction. If you've never witnessed someone who you knew when they were well and then to try to comprehend them once they are ill -- it's so hard to describe because you would think I was making it up. I did my best to take care of him for a few years. This would entail sitting with him for hours telling him what was real and what wasn't, everyday. It meant that I had to constantly badger him to take his medication, which he fought because he didn't think he was ill.

But the stress took it's toll and it had to end when I realized that the situation was dragging me down with the ship. I had to let go. It was awful, I hurt him deeply and felt guilty for a long time after. Being his care giver for a few years completely turned me off having kids. We're still in touch and he functions better but he's still not well. He's never been bitter towards me and is thankful for any help I had given him. I have yet to see or read anything that properly portrays schizophrenia.

Believe them. The first time."
~Maya Angelou

Chava...I think it's really good that you mourn. But be careful. You are likely mourning the loss of what you THOUGHT you had, rather than the reality. You are mourning a dream you wanted to believe in.

And know this...grief of a marriage, or a really intense relationship, is like grieving a death. I went through that once, with a man who was not free and could not bring himself to believe in us enough to free himself and come to me. It was heart wrenching. And SO hard to recover from. I had ended relationships because I fell out of love, was never in love, or was treated so badly I couldn't love anymore.

But only once did I have to walk away from a man I loved more than life itself, and he loved me back.

However, I think what I finally realized was that though he did love me, I know he did, he still does. And though I did love him and a part of me always will...he did not love me enough. He did not love me as much as I loved him. Because I would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen, and he could not do the same.

I don't see how that is different for you. You have tried everything to connect with this man, and to save your marriage. He could not meet you half way.

I once described my affair, as walking 3/4 across hot coals, and standing there getting burned waiting for him to walk 1/4 of the way to me.

When I met DH I was still healing, but he let me take my time. One day I realized that DH was not only willing to walk out on those coals to meet me, but would have gladly picked me up to carry me across to spare me from being burned at all.

I now have something so much deeper, so truer, so much more pure, and mutual than I ever would have had with my old flame.

Relationship patterns are hard to break once you are established in them. It can happen but it definitely takes two.

So mourn the loss of your dream, and look for others that you can fulfill yourself. Once you are in that zone and only when you are in that zone, you will be ready to meet someone else. And you will never settle for someone who doesn't put you at the top of your list again.

Trust me on that one.

Hugs to you,
Zen

Peace, love, and red wine

i COULD HAVE WRITTEN ALMOST EVERY WORD. THE REPLIES ARE THINGS MY FRIENDS HAVE ALSO SAID TO ME...I WAS IN LOVE WITH THE FANTASY OF HIM. AS SOON AS WE MARRIED, IT CHANGED. HIS ALLEGIENCE WAS TO HIS FIRST WIFE. HE LET ME KNOW IT IN VARIOUS WAYS AND IF I DIDN'T "NOTICE" OR REACT, HE'D DO MORE. HE'D BRING HOME CAKES HIS EX BAKED AND BEG ME TO TASTE HOW DELICIOUS, HE'D GO ON AND ON ABOUT HER HOUSE OR HER FATHER OR HER FLOWER BOXES...YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE...HE ALSO REFUSED TO STOP HER INNAPPROPRIATE NOTES SHE'D SEND HIM BECAUSE IT WOULD CAUSE "CONFLICT" AND SHE'D "TAKE IT OUT ON HIS DAUGHTER"...IN THE END, HE WANTED ME TO LEAVE HIM SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE. FOR SOME REASON, IT WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM THAT I END IT NOT HIM. I STAYED FOR YEARS UNTIL I FINALLY REALIZED THAT THIS WAS NO ENVIRONMENT FOR MY CHILD. I LOVE HIM AND THERE WAS GOOD ALONG WITH THE BAD BUT THE HARDEST PART WAS THE TOTAL LOVE I HAD ONCE FELT AND CRAVED BACK WITH HIM. I AM DOING WHAT ONE RESPONSE SAID, TAKING CARE OF MY DAUGHTER AND MYSELF AND WORKING TOWARD A HAPPIER LIFE, EVEN WITHOUT THE MAN I LOVE BECAUSE IN THE END, THERE WAS NO TRUE COMMITMENT AND WITHOUT THAT, NO TRUE MARRIAGE.

Where has this site been? My first time...we are new to the Step world..what a journey. Nice to see we have a place to come to and vent, share, learn! Keep at it. Back soon!