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SD Drama - I just need to vent and find out if I am normal or weird!

ck2012's picture

So SD has an issue. She is a drama queen and is stubborn. She is 6 years old. She doesnt want to listen to anyone of obey anyone.
Last time, she spent 2 days in bed because she did not want to eat a bowl of oatmeal that I said she had to finish. So she would sit at the table for 30 minutes just staring at it and then go lie own in bed doing nothing till the next meal time came around..repeat...for 2 whole days until I lost it and had to shove it down her throat!

I think I am a good mom and my 11 years old SS and my own 9 year old son are pretty well behaved and are doing well. But I am not used to raising girls and I have no idea what is normal.... And I am lost since I dont know what to do and am frustrated and ready to tear my hair out. This has put a great strain on my relationship with DH because even though he says he backs me up , he doesn't pitch in or want to deal with any of the drama.
I made a rule that SD has to eat a different breakfast every morning because other wise she eats the exact same thing every morning and wont even try anything else. But when DH wakes her up its always cereal day because he doesn't want to "deal with the unpleasantness"!...but he agrees that she needs to try new foods!!!!
So I am the B%^& here always yelling and screaming at her.. and the thing is, she will make a fuss and cry and yell and scream and sit at the table for 2 hours even on the foods that she likes!!!! So I dont get it!

When I ask DH if I should just give up and let her do whatever she wants, he says NO, I should keep at her! But of course he doesn't want any part of it!!! I am so frustrated and annoyed!

What should I do? I dont want to give in just because she is throwing a drama and let her have her way..but at the same time, I get so mad and hate seeing myself yelling and screaming.. and projecting that image to my other kids Sad
Hoping to get some wisdom from you experts here....at the end of my rope Sad

ck2012's picture

The only issue is , she is doing the crying, tantrum, drama thing everywhere and expects us to give in.
We went shopping this weekend, and she sat in the cart and started crying that we dint buy her the bell she wanted for her bicycle! I told her once that if she starts this drama she wont get it but she continued bawling and making a scene....And DH kept quiet, dint do anything. i ignored her and we went home. No consequence, no time outs..nothing.. She acted normal as soon as we got home...
So its not just food... She behaves this way in everything.. Sad

knucklehead's picture

She's a 6 year old who needs discipline.

If DH isn't going to do it, it's not going to be fun.

When SD started bawling in the store, I would have simply left. Then left DH and kids at home ( }:) ) and gone back by myself.

ck2012's picture

LOL! I might try that next time!!! Except DH will be playing games with them at home when I get back and they will tell me that it was more fun to stay at home anyways, when i get back Beee

And you nailed it! I think that she needs discipline too. BM lets her do whatever she likes in her house....so she expects the same here. SS has learnt that that wont fly in my house but SS is still pushing her limits.. And it sucks having to play bad cop without any help Beee

janeyc's picture

My sd6 also lacks discipline, when she first comes here she is pratically mannerless, within a few mins she remembers the manners I have taught her, so the your real problem is hubbly, I had to lay the law down and so do you, a child that dosn't learn, discipline, good manners and empathy will not go far in life, he is doing his daughter no favours, my sd soon realised it was'nt worth fighting me, she loves coming to our house now and really blooms while she is here, your poor sd has no boundaries, the bad behavior is a cry for help, she dosn't know where she stands, tell hubby that.

christinen's picture

My SD4 is the same way. They behave that way because they are spoiled and have no discipline and no consequences for their ridiculous behavior. We have SD 50% of the time, and when she is at her mother's she is free to run wild and do whatever she wants. She has no bedtime, no one cares what she eats, what she does, etc. Then she comes to our house and- shock!- we have rules and she can't take it. She throws fits when she doesn't get what she wants just like your SD does, and she also refuses to try new foods. All she eats is cheetos and cheeze-its and Goldfish crackers. BUT not my kids, not my problem. I have tried time and time again, and it just isn't worth it. So she can eat junk food and get fat- and no, I do not buy the junk food, I am a very healthy eater- DH buys the crap just for SD. I know how you feel. It's beyond frustrating, but unless DH is on board with you and ready to be a real parent (that includes disciplining his little princess), you are fighting a losing battle. Sad

ck2012's picture

Christinen,
Your message is comforting.. atleast I am not alone...:(
I wish i could just get over it and let her GTH! Sad
C

janeyc's picture

Dramas at meal times can be quite damaging, it can cause eating disorders in the future, keep it simple and stick to it, put the food down and say if you eat it all you can have a treat, if she dosn't, never give the treat, if she cannot finish her meal then she is not hungry enough for anything else, never lose your cool you must look in control at all times, by offering her a wide range of foods, she will be more likely to eat a diverse diet in the future and be healthier for it, when I was a child I ate what was offered or went hungry, didn't do me any harm, never force her to eat something again, as long as you are provided a mainly healty diet you are doing your best. Get hubby on board with this and you can't fail.

ck2012's picture

Trust me Janeyc, I have tried bribing her with treats,new clothes, etc....but she is so stubborn that she will just insist that she needs to get these irrespective of whether she listens to us or not.. I don't get it at all Sad

janeyc's picture

Trust me this has worked for me many times, simple place the food on the table and say if you eat it there will be a treat, if you don't eat your meal there will be nothing else, ignore the whining, if she leaves the table let her, this is not neglect, you are providing meals, she is trying to take control and doing a good job of it, she will soon realise your way is the best way, once she has experienced proper hunger for the first time, it will put a different complexion on things. At first there will propably be tantrums and tears, if you keep things up, she will fold and things will be so much easier for you. Plus its really nice to see that you care about her health, Good luck.

knucklehead's picture

"I said she had to finish."
"I made a rule..."
Dh lets her have cereal every morning.
You wind up yelling and screaming (????) over breakfast foods.

Holy shit. Let it go. Engaging in power struggles over food is stupid, IMO. The more you force, the more they resist. Then food issues can start. I've known people who grew up in the "clean your plate, there are starving children in..." era, and now they are compulsive about food.

Have healthy stuff available. Cereal, oatmeal, eggs, whatever. She's 6. Good God. There are bigger issues in this life.

ck2012's picture

I know it sounds like I am terrible monster.. but I have healthy stuff around, guess what.. she wont touch anything or try anything....
And its not just food.. her dramas are in everything.. she loves bread and jam but last night, she just refused to eat it.. sat there tearing the bread to little tiny pieces!
Its her way or the highway... you think i should just chill out and see how it turns up?

knucklehead's picture

Yup.
Then she doesn't eat it.
And she doesn't get snacks.
She waits for the next meal.

Little kids like something one day, hate it the next, then love it again.
Weird little monsters.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Wow, he just passed that responsibility right on to you didn't he? time for dad to start feeding SD.

ck2012's picture

yes he did.. And that's the frustrating part... We rarely fight expect about the kids...and its a BIG strain...I am about ready to give up Sad

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Yeah, you know what your issue is here. So its time to solve it yourself. Stop letting him pass the buck.

feo's picture

I absolutely know what you need to do: change your rule. Every child/person has different culinary tastes, and you cannot change that. It's part of their genetic makeup. Yes, everyone should try new foods. Some people will, and some people won't for their entire lives. You are trying to change something that is part of her makeup, making an enemy in the process, making your lives miserable AND setting a horrible example for the boys - not to mention the possibility of setting the stage for eating disorders in the girl later on.

Try this rule: "you have to TRY a new food when it is served in a family meal. One bite. If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it." Apply this rule to everyone evenly. If the girl wants the same thing for breakfast every day, give it to her. Explain the importance of balanced nutrients and the importance of her vitamin supplement, and serve that with her breakfast. Kids with limited appetites need to develop the habit of daily vitamins, and you will be teaching her something important and hopefully helping her to develop a good lifetime habit.

I used this rule to raise two boys with completely opposite appetites. One is an adventurous eater who cooks all kinds of exotic dishes, the other is a "same food every day" kind of guy. They are both happy, well-nourished, and don't have any food issues. Relax and let them be themselves.

And shame on your husband for trying to make you do this!

PS. You should NEVER "shove" any food down a child's throat!

ck2012's picture

Feo,
Good advice... and I dint literally mean shove...LOL just had to feed her till she finished...:-\
I totally have that rule of taking a bite before refusing..It worked wonders with my DS and he will give anything a shot one time to see if he likes it and I dont force him or SS to finish if they dont like the first bite..
But SD I think is just testing her limits with me.. like I said she will ask for bread and jam and then sit there staring at it and refusing to eat. I am posting now, at the end of my rope because I have gone through the stages of dessert bribing, time outs, ignoring, timer setting, and pretty much every technique you can find on the internet!!!LOL

So my only option now is to give in and let her eat or do whatever she wants Sad

Orange County Ca's picture

This is not a war over food but a war over who is in charge. Let me explain to you that the step-parent is never in charge. Once you figure that out life will get easier.

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Oh look here this is again. By the way OP it's not always good to tell them everything ahead of time. They just think you are being mean. Tell him to feed his daughter and leave it be.

ck2012's picture

When she is not around, I keep thinking I can be calm and try this...but when she starts bawling and throwing up and dripping food down her mouth on her clothes, etc and getting into the drama, I lose it Sad

I will try some of the suggestions from this forum and see which one works! LOL

dont know what to do's picture

I do the grocery shopping in our house, so if and I mean if I buy a snack item I only put one or two in the pantry at a time. Especially when skids are there otherwise the whole box is gone that day! No one gets a snack at night unless I approve that they haven't eaten all their food on their dinner plate, DH backs me up on this one thank goodness. If they ask for something at they put too much on their plate too bad they have to eat it all!

mama_althea's picture

Instead of putting all this energy into SD, I think you should be putting the energy into DH. The battle with getting him to parent is the one you need to win. Then the rest will work out better.

This doesn't have to revolve around it being a "step" thing either...even "regular" parents often have to work at getting on the same page. I would pick out one or two parenting books (my ex and I used the book "123 Magic")to help him with skills and to help you both create mutual rules. Also, most parenting books are going to mention picky eating. Happens all the time.