stepmom1989's picture

Sending Wedding Thank You Cards to in laws I HATE!

So since my new in-laws decided to show their asses at my wedding, yet did give us gift money. I am now opted to write them a thank you card and send a few wedding pictures. Mostly to DH's mother and DH's Aunt and Uncle. Long story short, they told me that me and DH needs to take BM to court and take full custody of his kids. Because they seen it as kids didn't want to go back to their mothers, because of some unknown reason. No, it was because they was having fun and wanted to whine. That it is, its not because BM is doing drugs or abusing them or something. They claim that I am now MOM and it is MY responsibility to take them on full time. And that even if we cant financially afford it, we should just make it work. Pretty much saying I need to blow off all my chances of ever having a baby of my own, blow off my college and career goals to take care of THEIR precious grand babies. DH kisses their butts and agreed to try for full custody, even though he knows how I feel and knows that is just NOT going to happen! Plus, him himself don't want his kids around 24-7, but of course, cant tell his family that. Then Uncle and Aunt told ME, that I am not in this. I am not a decision maker in me and DH's marriage, BUT if DH makes a decision that they don't approve of, the blame will be put on me. UMMM... WHAT!?

Anyways, that’s just a short version of the terrible reception I had at MY own wedding. So since, I am supposed to write thank you cards... I want to make it clever. Have it worded in a round about way that says F U, but thank you for the Money lol. Just don't know how to go about writing it like that. Any writers on this forum, want to give some clever examples that get the point across, but in a southern "oh my how nice" kind of way?


christinen's picture

I like newwife3's idea about

I like newwife3's idea about mentioning how you will use the money to do something special for you & your DH & not the kids. That keeps it polite but gives them something to think about!

knucklehead's picture

Ask your DH to write the

Ask your DH to write the thank you notes.
OR
If you feel compelled to be snarky and "politely" say FU to them, simply return the money instead.

I think it shows a lack of character to take someone's money and then tell them FU. Just return it and be done with it.

Echo's picture

^^^ This. You didn't dislike

^^^ This.

You didn't dislike them enough to tear up their check, did you? Nope. Either be a gracious enough woman of CHARACTER and write an appropriate "Thank You" or return their money. You're a hypocrite if you do anything less.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

knucklehead's picture

? What word would you use? I

?
What word would you use?

I was kinda figuring I'd get flamed for what I said. Happily surprised it hasn't happened yet.

Echo's picture

Snitchy? Witchy? Glitchy?

Snitchy? Witchy? Glitchy? Twitchy? Pitchy?

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

knucklehead's picture

Gotcha. I need more coffee

Gotcha.
I need more coffee this morning. Smiling

stepmom1989's picture

I would be more than willing

I would be more than willing to give the money back, if that would make me less b-itchy. That whole chunk of $75 between DH's mother, uncle and aunt really helped us out a bunch lol!!

knucklehead's picture

That's more than I got from

That's more than I got from my ILs Smiling

What does your DH want to do?

BTW, I understand they were all "try to get custody" and "you're married now, go get your kids" and that's...well, just WRONG...
As far as things they could have done, though, this is really pretty mild.
Someday I'll have to share what my ILs did. We still (years later) have no contact with them. They suck.

stepmom1989's picture

I am serious, since each of

I am serious, since each of the 3, oh so generously gave us $25. I would be more than willing to give the money back. Not like it did us a damn bit of good. I don't want to present myself on here as a bitch or a hypocrite, and I am sorry if I came off that way to all of you. But DH's family treated me so unfairly and act as if, I am a crappy person if I don't step up and accept DH's kids fully and I am sorry but I just can't do that! I don't want them to completely hate me, because with how close DH is to his "family", it will be a even harder marriage dealing with them and hearing what a shitty wife I am, and how I stopped DH from getting his kids and blah blah blah. But I want to let them know, I am not completely stupid! The Skids are NOT my responsibility, I am not going to blow off my education and possibility of a future baby with 100% taking over the mother role. But I think, just bluntly saying them words is a bit harsh in a thank you card. Just want to get my point across politely, know what I am trying to say?

knucklehead's picture

Didn't you already get the

Didn't you already get the point across that the skids aren't coming to live with you?

If you truly don't want to start a family war and be typecast as the "bitchy new wife," then simply extend a gracious thank you for the money and leave it at that.
They clearly had expectations. You have expectations. So far, none of those have panned out.
So instead of carrying on a grudge, why not just start over? If they bring it up again, simply tell them that your family and it's structure is between you and DH.

christinen's picture

I know exactly what you are

I know exactly what you are saying! I was just recently married to my DH and his family wants him to go for full custody of SD and I am also completely against it. She is NOT my responsibility. Yes I married a man with a child, but if I wanted kids around all the time, I would have had my own! I purposely went to college, then grad school and started a career, THEN got married, and THEN will have kids when I am good and ready (probably the next couple years). I was not irresponsible and I should not have to pay for someone else's mistake. In my DH's case, he wasn't even married to the kid's mother and they were young so it was just a case of "babies having babies". My DH didn't even want the kid but the BM "didn't believe in abortion". Guess she doesn't believe in birth control either because she's pregnant right now with her SECOND baby and this man isn't going to marry her dumb butt either. Anyway, just wanted to tell you my story so you know you are not alone! We fell in love with our husbands, NOT their children.

stepmom1989's picture

Oh I know, DH and I have no

Oh I know, DH and I have no chance of getting skids full time; thank GOD! But ILs want us to bow down to BM pretty much. Take the skids whenever BM needs us to, for any reason. Umm no... if it is her time for the kids and she wants to go out and party or F off, we will NOT take the skids, she can hire a babysitter. Sorry, but no!

stepmom1989's picture

I can't just tell ILs, that

I can't just tell ILs, that is between me and DH because DH takes ILs side! When I go up with DH to see his family for the weekend. DH gets drunk and blames it ALL on me and I am stuck 7 hours away from home with DH arguing with me and sticking up for his family. Weather I just say Thank you in the card or not, the crap will not stop being blamed on me. DH says he will stand beside me next time and not kiss his families' asses but I have herd that before. I don't get what he is trying to prove, with LYING to his family and presenting himself as the oh so caring, loving, thoughtful father he isn't. He loves his kids, don't get me wrong, but can't stand them for more than a couple hours at a time. Shoot, I can keep my cool for longer than that for gods sake! He DONT want his kids full time, that is a fact! But will he confess that to his family? No... he is a coward.

stepmom1989's picture

This is kind of going off

This is kind of going off topic. Reason I married him? Because I love him…. I know, I know, if it was a problem before we got married, it will continue to be a problem after. Stupid on my part, I know! I told him I would give him ONE more chance to stand up for me, and stand up to his family and tell then how it is going to be and if he don't... I will no longer put myself in that situation at all. He can go up on his own to see his family, and they will not be allowed at my house PERIOD! House is in MY name only, I paid for it, and by all means if they cant back off and try to understand my side, then they can stay out of my life and out of the decision making. DH needs to grow some balls, and I told him that in our last argument. You are all correct. I am just going to say Thank you for coming and thanks for the gift, and just leave it at that. Gezz... I can only imagine the UP ROAR ahead when the ILs find out DH's middle child is not biologically his (found that out this morning via paternity test) and that he is going to get an attorney to take BM to court to stop CS on her, if that is at all possible.

Delilah's picture

OP I actually dont think it

OP I actually dont think it is going off topic, the way your PIL treat you is partly down to your DH. After all he helps them treat you like crap, so no wonder they continue dictating to you!

Personally if your DH insists on accepting this money, then I would send a thank you note with just your names in it. Nothing more, nothing less. Why give them yet more reason to bitch about you? Hah! They will do that on their own. Obviously I am not endorsing allowing them and DH to walk all over you, however I would allow them to hang themselves and actually underhandly encourage them to have something yet again to unreasonable complain about. After all do you WANT to visit them or have them visit you?

See my PIL and SIL treated me really poorly for years, my DH claimed he didnt know what to DO about it and more often than not would find a flimsy excuse to blame his families aggression and unrational hatred on me. So I know all about this. The only way he changed was when our counsellor told him he was being unreasonable, after he quite clearly admitted I had done NOTHING to deserve this treatment and actually went out of my way to be pleasant, even in the face of their vileness. It gave ME the power ultimately.

IMO I wouldnt even give his family another chance. You are just opening yourself for yet more abuse.

I had to force myself in the mindset of not caring what these nutters thought of me and putting myself before my DH's closeness with his family. They are dysfunctional and unhealthy, with your DH heading the hunting party with you as prey. Not on.

The fuck you is how impersonal and coldly polite you can be when dealing with these emotional terrorists. Coldly polite because you dont want to give the impression their behaviour hasnt been noted, polite because you can feign complete ignorance of the perceived slight "as far as I was concerned I have always been well mannered with your parents. I sent them a thank you note...." Impersonal because you dont want to give them opportunity or information to use to terrorise and hold over you. Withdraw. Allow them to complain and take the high road, you have done nothing wrong. You can legitimately do this.

Even better, send some little personal note with another thank you note to a mutual friend/relative that you genuinely like, and hopefully it will get back to your PIL. No doubt they will complain and fall into your trap, so then you have can see if DH has your back (taking bets he wont) and then you can say "well the last chance has now expired. This is what is happening..." Then cut them off. Evil