Fiance having baby with another woman..DUE IN 3 WEEKS!!!
:?
Anyone out there get involved with someone having a child with another person? and i mean they are pregnant and child isnt here yet???? My fiance and i dont have a typical relationship. I truly believe he is my soulmate (call me crazy) and when him and i met his girlfriend/ex whateverrrrr just found out she was preggo and they decided to keep it. It was a battle and emotional but im truly excited for baby Mollie and to be a step parent. Now she is due by the end of this month and im having severe anxiety. Baby mama doesnt want me at the hospital which i understand but im going to be his wife!!! its not like im going to try to sneak into the delivery room, i know my place. Obviously the baby probably wont come home to stay with us until after that 3 month of age mark if not older. So that means i wont meet my step daughter until shes a few months old. It seriously drives me crazy and hurts and i just cry over it. I feel like its a piece of my fiance that im missing out on. We knew when we got into this that we would face obstacles and I have his back no matter what. We are getting married this July. Is it wrong that i feel like he should stand up for me and say no mywife is allowed there. I mean im going to be with this child and feeding changing sleepless nights. Im going to be another mother to it not just some once and a while baby sitter. AHHHH Help 
Postpone the marriage you
Postpone the marriage you clearly have only known him a few months anyway or he was sleeping with this girl and you at the same time, but whatever the circumstances you need more time to work through this. Lot of us on this site myself included believed we had met and married our soulmates - lots of us are on this site, you are too. So, we all are having serious issues or we would not be here. You may believe he is your soulmate, but he has to feel the same way, not just say he does.
The hospital issue, well it is not your place to be there and you are never going ot be another mother to this child, you will always be a step mother. You are going to go through so much once this baby is here and things will be difficult. My strong advice to you is as I said, postpone the marriage. I know you won't but you really should think this through and give yourself more time. Far easier to break an engagement than to end a marriage. Please give yourself more time. If you are soulmates then waiting a year to marry will be no big deal. I also suggest you keep reading other post on this site, because one day you will want babies of your own and this brings on another set of problems.
Could'nt day it better
Could'nt day it better myself, good advice.
Please don't interfere in
Please don't interfere in another woman's pregnancy and childbirth.
Im definately not
Im definately not interfering. I understand that for her this situation must be awful and I know I seem like just a big home wrecker to most people. I would never want to ruin this for her. She actually approaced me and said she wanted to accept everything and what not because I was going to be the babys step mom and if she was going to be in my care she wanted us all to function and be a happy family as best as that can happen. I never bothered her and i didnt break them up or anything like that. It was just awful timing. I care about them both and now she has recently just started ignoring me. Not that i can blame her. But she turned it from wanting us all to get along to just completely shutting me out. and yes i know she has every right and ill never be her biological mom but im still marrying the babys dad and im going to be in her life forever.
Agree! Unfortunately, I think
Agree! Unfortunately, I think we will be cast off as wrong and people who don't know the whole situation. Then the poor OP will be in such a mess and miserable once that baby is here and long after if she doesn't leave.
And this statement "I feel like its a piece of my fiance that im missing out on."
Just wait until you feel the full effect of being the outsider. You are the outsider. You can't begin to understand just how much you will not be a part of or involved in. Not to mention he's having a girl. If he's a guilty dad who needs approval from his daughter, that will be even more fun. I shudder to think about this. I'm ready to start rocking back in forth in a corner with Echo.
No by interfering in
No by interfering in pregnancy and childbirth I wasn't referring to your being in a new relationship with the dad, but you need to know that when a woman is pregnant and planning her labour this is usually an intensely personal and private experience for her, which others can't intrude on. YOu certainly can't expect to visit her or be in the birthing room at the time, and some women who've just given birth don't want guests for several days. This is normal. I was just saying that it would really be appallingly painful for many mothers if someone were to intrude on this, not you specifically, but anyone who was not really connected with the baby. You are not connected with this baby and should accept that from the off. The only person who seems to have gone against that general run of things is Michael Jackson and look how he turned out.
Also remember that a lot of how she has spoken about you will change from moment to moment because, whatever she says out loud, she probably experiences you as unwelcome in her life (to put it mildly) and therefore you will get apparent irrationality because she is trying to be polite -- or just survive the situation emotionally.
Just because you are marrying the baby's father does not mean you will be in the baby's life forever, or at all, and it most certainly does not mean you will be in the mother's life forever. Maybe have a read of the book "stepmonster" to see how things can pan out? Or, have a look at some of the literature on people who have surrogacy arrangements? There can be a lot of separations involved in parenting and for you to think you will have this sort of happy family situation sounds a little like it is flowing against the odds.
Thank you for the book
Thank you for the book suggestions. I appreciate it and the advice.
So, if she hasn't given birth
So, if she hasn't given birth yet, & you & him were not together when she got pregnant, you haven't even been with him 9 months & you're engaged?
Perhaps you're going to be his wife, but she is the child's mother.
Yes, it is wrong for you to expect him to demand that this woman giving birth allow you to be there. This is THEIR child; not yours. You have no right to be there. It's just one of the many ugly hurtful truths that comes in dealing with someone else's child(ren).
The child hasn't even been born yet. You can't know what the visitation/custody arrangement is going to be. You don't know that you will experience feeding, changing diapers, or sleepless nights with this baby.
"I feel like its a piece of my fiance that im missing out on."
--------------------------------------------------------------
It's his child with another woman. That isn't something intended for 3rd parties to join in on. You won't be another mother to this child. The child has one mother. You may be a mother-figure, but the harder you push to claim ownership to this child, the uglier you're going to make it for your fiance to be a good father.
Accept things for what they are. There is a really good chance you WILL only be some once-in-awhile baby-sitter. Just ask the members who post here daily about this very thing.
Can I ask how old you & your fiance are & how long you've been together?
I hate to sound like a jerk,
I hate to sound like a jerk, but I can tell from your expectations that you are going to be so unhappy. None of this is going to go the way you think it will.
You probably won't take any of our advice and tell yourself you will make it work.
Come back here after the baby is born, you will be ready to leave him but need the encouragement.
I promise that his ex won't want you having anything to do with that baby. I don't care what she says right now.
Are you a biological mother
Are you a biological mother or a step one?
THISTHISTHIS. I am surprised
THISTHISTHIS. I am surprised about the idea that the father should be there for all of that. BM tried to get FDH to do the exact same thing, stay with her for 2 weeks to BOND with the baby and help her (even requested he rub her feet). Yeah, didn't happen because SHE made the choice to be a parent and did not give FDH a choice in the matter.
So, no, the father can take care of the child on his time. Otherwise the boundary issues that ripley mentioned will get out of hand.
I agree with you, Ripley.
I agree with you, Ripley. Mother decided to have a baby as a single mother. The baby's daddy should stick with his girlfriend. This situation is not like the one between a wife and her husband going through the experience of having a baby in a legally accepted union, marriage that is.
It amazes me how many women decide to have babies and they are not married with the babies' fathers.After they had the baby, they expect the fathers to jump and live with them.
For this lady who is about to marry her boyfriend, I would say " Don't do it, sweetie, unless you are absolutely sure he will stick with you and not the baby mama. You don;t want to get into a baby mama drama unnecessarily.
For all the people who say that stepparents are not parents as well, I tell them that they are wrong. Yes, stepparents did not give birth to their stepkids, but these kids live with the stepparents in some situations and stepparents provide for them more than the biological parents.It takes a village to raise a child.
^^This. Is EXACTLY what I
^^This.
Is EXACTLY what I would say to my daughter.
^^ This is the best advice
Since a relationship was
Since a relationship was going on between bf an bm not long before you came into the picture things can drastically change. People are usually on their best behavior for the first year of a relationship, so getting married this July, in my opinion, is something you should put on hold. It's not fair to you because you have no idea what this situation could turn into next year with this new baby. You should postpone the wedding and see how things go the first year of the child's life and see bf in a more realistic view over that year. BF's life hasn't changed yet because the baby isn't here yet. Once the baby comes he WILL change. People change once they have children and you will not be his main focus. He most likely will not have the energy to be on his best behavior with you anymore. Please, there is so much that is about to happen, do yourself a favor and put the wedding on hold for at least a year. You may decide that this life is too much to deal with an you won't have to if you won't want to because you have no obligation to the child.
Trust me, being a sm is very very difficult at times, especially in the beginning when your trying to figure out where your boundaries are in a blended family situation.
I have read all the posts and
I have read all the posts and to be honest hun I'd run for the hills my best friend was left heart broken when her husband left her for his bm 6 months after chhild was born it is horrible to watch and just as heart breaking for u. He may be "your one" but all the fun will be taken out of ur pregnancy if u ever to have one because it will be constantly compared to hers and how will u feel if she calls at 2am every night saying she can't settle baby?? Being a step mum is hard work hun I'd take a step back cause the only person that will get hurt is u x
you are not married to this
you are not married to this man. you are not anything to his ex, and you are not currently anything to his child to be. he can tell his ex anything he wants to, but bottom line is that it is HER choice who is at the hospital. the most you can do without her permission is sit in the waiting room. she doens't even have to allow your fiance to be there if she doesn't want to! if you hope to have any kind of a decent relationship with her or her child, you better rein it in immediately. you are pushing way too hard to be somewhere that you have no right to be.
HUH???? LOL
HUH???? LOL
Okay. Uh, so that was where I
Okay. Uh, so that was where I was... oh... a year and a half ago?
FDH and I began seeing each other 3 months before SS was born. He cut it off with BM (who was not even an ex, just a woman he had a short physical thing once in a while with) about a month before she told him she was preggo (claims she didn't know, but she planned it.)
Word of advice--read more of STALK, a LOT MORE OF IT.
At the time I was excited too, I thought everyone else could keep BM Crazy-pants in check and I'd be the most awesome bonus mom, like, EVER on the face of this planet. Yeah, okay, nothing can keep a bitter, insane, jealous, scornful, diagnosed disassociative woman in check and you begin to learn what you are and are not willing to put up with.
I'm sure your FDH has said you'd be an awesome mom, wished this was your child, etc. etc. etc. (I've heard it all) which makes you feel like you have to live up to those expectations. BM, who was hearing from other people that we were together, freaked out when FDH told her he was going to bring someone for support at the birth (which he ended up not attending, due to the fact that BM requested an induction, but it was too early so she ended up sitting in labor for 4 days, by which time FDH's trip was over) and said under no circumstances should his newest squeeze be allowed--he told her to chill because he meant he was bringing his mom. It hurt that although FDH wanted me involved, I was being left out, but I understood. Didn't make it any less shitty though, and you don't fully understand how MUCH it hurts until you are thinking about it late at night, he's not there with you, you know where he is and who he is with, and you have to act goddamn happy for him when it's eating you up. But it is NOT your place.
Anyway, whatever ideals you have about this, you need to set heavy, heavy boundaries NOW and lay out the fact that you demand respect, equality, the right to refuse to help (as it is a favor), the right to NOT love your stepchild (but be cordial with her), if he is going to be with you. Either he agrees or you walk--otherwise you'll end up where so many of these stepparents are today.
Lol because I'm hoping my
Lol because I'm hoping my experience would somehow knock those giant baby glasses off her face? You know, because I went through it and I think that somehow warning someone who hasn't gone through the succeeding steps can save them a lot of heart-ache...?
Or something about a leprachaun and a unicorn getting together and having a drink commiserating about the inequality of life?
I think it's a learning experience for those who are in this specialty kind of situation, because I'd be lying if I said I and FDH didn't go through the exact same emotional feelings that she and her FDH (wanting to be the mom, getting full custody, and kicking crazypants BM out of the picture) are currently going through. I'd give it 6 months after the child is born for reality to hit, when they're going through the court proceedings and everything is going wrong. I know I had my ideals shattered fast, and in my opinion, GOOD RIDDANCE I am not the same person I was when I started. (And STALK has helped tremendously.)
She must be young, I know I was.
Ripley this isn't mean. I'm
Ripley this isn't mean. I'm a BM as well as a SM and can I tell you how dreadfully it shook me to the core just to read Sammy's first post? I'm well past menopause but every maternal hormone I ever had just reared up in me roaring at the instinctive outrage I felt that someone else should try to muscle in on a woman's pregnancy and labour. I usually react reading posts as a SM not a BM since I am on the site for support as a SM. So, if I go into BM mode, that tells me something just something about how difficult it would be for a person in Sammy's position to fight against the tide of nature. So many posters have so well described the one-to-one bonding that goes on between a BM and a child when nature works (and it usually does). And indeed the shatteringly lifechanging experience for the BF, if he chooses to be open to that, of seeing his first child being born. Of course he will consider returning to the BM.
I haven't seen anyone make a mean-minded or even rude comment to Sammy on these postings yet with the exception of me, tastelessly mentioning Michael Jackson, of whom I had the same reaction when he in an interview described running down a hospital corridor with "his" newborn baby almost before they had cut the placenta from the surrogate.
The physical, instinctive bond a mother and a newborn have is INVINCIBLE. Consider for a moment the fact that you can tell, before a miscarriage, exactly when your foetus has died... that you can tell your newborn by a touch on the back of the hand in the dark, and pick it from a crowd of others... That you lactate as soon as you hear its voice... that the chemical content of your milk changes depending on what its needs are... That you... honestly there's no point explaining further except to tell Sammy she will know the feelings when she has them for herself.
I'm sorry but the idea that anyone else, even frankly the BF, could stake any claim to "closeness" with either of my two BSs within the first year of birth, would be utterly laughable.
I'm not so sure as you. I
I'm not so sure as you. I don't think that genuine posters would leave a post like that and then avoid reading the answers, no matter how blunt some of them are. Yes someone like this might not post again, so as not to draw fire, but they would keep returning to the answers that they can relate to and therefore, I don't think your supportive replies have been wasted. This post has drawn an immense number of replies fast, more than most others do. It is certainly a controversial one but what I notice about the controversial ones is that they generate a huge and fruitful brainstorm. I am sure that the OP is going to be picking through all this information repeatedly and will be well able to glean advice from the many that look perfectly supportive though blunt.
Yep. Forget the baby. All
Yep. Forget the baby. All eyes on the wife-to-be.
These 2 statements shout entitlement:
Baby mama doesnt want me at the hospital which i understand but im going to be his wife!!!
Is it wrong that i feel like he should stand up for me and say no mywife is allowed there.
Baby mama is giving birth. The idea that you're going to be his wife is irrelevant. What will be relevant that day & forever is that, wife or not, he has a child with her. You're not more important in the situation because you're engaged.
It would be incredibly wrong & disrespectful & out of line for him to demand that she agree to have you there for the birth of THEIR child. Not to mention, if the baby is due in 3 weeks & you're not getting married until July, you're no more his wife than she ever was.
They couldn't have been TOO
They couldn't have been TOO long split before she came along if BM is 8 months 1 week pregnant. They've been together enough of that 8 months & 1 week to be engaged.
Oh gawd the best part of that
Oh gawd the best part of that is that both the nurse and her fiancé are black and she shot and stole a white baby. Because that obviously wouldn't have raised questions.
This is clearly a BS
This is clearly a BS blog.
What woman would possibly think that her fiance should demand that his future wife be allowed to be there when his and another woman's child is born?
It's fake as hell.
Can you, any of you, imagine your reaction to a ex demanding that ANYONE be there when your child is born? LMAO, it's freaking hysterical!!
Before we jump on board the
Before we jump on board the 'it's a fake' train, I just wanted to let everyone know that FDH and I did go through this train of thought. HE would have liked for me to be there to support him (about to have a baby with a woman he absolutely loathed, in a state she had just moved to, with no one around but her family and friends, and at the time I was his ONLY friend, closer than family then, after all the crap he went through, everyone turned against him.)
He even asked me if I would, but I declined, for obvious reasons.
Stranger things have happened, and I do feel for the OP, because I see who I was when I was in her exact shoes. Her delivery wasn't the best but that's no reason to call it fake because it damn near happened to me.
I chalk it up to his
I chalk it up to his desperate desire to fix what had been broken, finding the person he wanted to be with five months after he made the biggest fuckup in his entire life, possibly losing her because of this--I may have wished for the same things in his shoes. He'd never been through this before, and there's really no manual out there that tells anyone 'what to do in case of crazy.'
So we dreamed what we needed to in order to survive and emotionally get by, had a lot of the hopes (for the best lalaland everyone loves everyone scenario) and thoughts the OP did, not that we ever told ANYONE else about them.
Never acted on them obviously, and thankfully for the better, since at least one of us (namely: me) did a lot of research about what is or isn't acceptable for my role and his role and our role together, and then we made more informed choices.
I am not saying what we went through and being able to come out the other side stronger and wiser will happen for everyone who goes through these set of circumstances. But I will say, that if a guy like her BF could be reined in just a little, and she can become a little more emotionally mature, they may be able to overcome the odds.
His desire to include her and not wanting her to not be involved and wanting to stand up for her, no matter how misguided the actions are right now, can make for a strong foundation for a relationship, as long as it can be steered in the right direction.
I refused to be there for the birth despite FDH asking, and despite a misjudgement on his part, I know his habit and the precedence will be that he invites me to everything and insist that I am invited to everything, and that my feelings will take priority. Isn't that what all partners, steps or not, want?
Yeah there might be a chance her FDH will go back to the BM, I took that risk too. Did he? No, still hates her guts. Will he? Highly doubt it, but not impossible (although given his traumatic reactions most likely not.)
Anyway, point is, her feelings exist and she's writing them out, I feel like with a little guidance and teaching, she can be a bit more able to see the reality of what to expect.
All I'm saying is that I and my FDH went through what she and her FDH did, that doesn't make her crazy or him a douche, they are just people who have no idea what the reality of the situation is, spoke first and asked questions later, whereas I read first, processed my feelings, and then started posting.
Coming to the conclusion it was not my place to be there, but it was his, was a learning experience for us, and we both matured and grew as people. It might be 'duh' to those who already have kids, but not everyone had the same life experiences to know.
I don't know if anyone would call us crazy just for wishing, at the time, in our love induced naivete, when we thought the world was against us and wanted nothing but eachother, for something others may not agree with.
That was why I, like ripley, was saddened by all the negative comments this post received--i remember how frightening and vulnerable it was to feel these things, to be in her shoes, to try and reconcile what you want and what was happening, and to then be judged instead of getting some support when you need it most.
Perhaps a lot of STalkers are jaded, I notice as a group we don't respond well to feelings as much as we do to facts, because often feelings are irrational or unreasonable, even though we feel them.
Go have your own baby and
Go have your own baby and stop trying to steal hers. Trust me she will not want another woman raising her newborn baby. You are in for a rude awaking.
She is not stealing anybody's
She is not stealing anybody's baby. She is just naive and wants to be support her fiancee.
Overall my opinion is like at
Overall my opinion is like at least one of the others. RUN. This is a lifetime of grief.
I don't think its appropriate
I don't think its appropriate to be at the hospital. you Will meet your new step child when the time is right and potentially have the rest of your life to bond with it. it must be tough in this situation but i think you just need to be patient and let them do what needs to be done.
I really feel for this BM.She
I really feel for this BM.She went through a recent break up with your SO, being left behind pregnant.She goes through pregnancy by herself whilst her ex has already a new serious rs with someone else who is now his fiancee and thinks of herself being his future wife.She has to go through labor without having a loving partner by her side and now the gf of her ex, father of her baby, even considers to turn up in the hospital to play the entitled third parent for her own child.
I am sorry OP, but even though you have no children by yourself, you need to have more compassion and common sense than this to stay out of this.I tried hard to even understand why you feel like this,but all I can think is:wrong, wrong, wrong!!!!!
If your SO is able to committ to you in all this stress you should be more than happy with what you get.Forget about any entitlements of playing with another womans newborn baby.You are not a part of this.Leave this poor BM alone and wait your turn to meet her child when the time is ready.And if it takes 3 or 4 month- get over it and back out.
(O I hope so much that this is Crew , not true)
I'm sure the BM is punching
I'm sure the BM is punching the air with happiness that she escaped such a loser of a man BEFORE he bonded with the baby.
I don't feel sorry for this
I don't feel sorry for this BM. She knew what she was getting into when she got pregnant. Some women should think 10 times before having babies as single mothers. Having a baby, yes, is beautiful, but a child is not a puppet. A child comes with a lot of responsibility. And unless you have a support system or you are mature enough to raise a child on your own, the best thing is not to have the baby at all.
Let's not glorify women having babies. Almost everybody is biologically apt to have a child. The hard work comes with raising the child.
I am a stepmother and a biological mother myself and my stepson lives with us permanently. I think stepmothers should be given a lot of credit. They are not baby sitters.They do sth. for their stepkids, therefore they should be respected and appreciated.
I hope you have a good paying
I hope you have a good paying job. I have a feeling after CS gets done raping his paychecks, you will be the main breadwinner of the household. Are you going to be okay with that? Honestly, I think you're dillusional about this whole thing. Maybe I'm just a different kind of person, but I wouldn't be happy & excited if I were in your shoes.
I don't mean to sound unkind
I don't mean to sound unkind but you sound really naive. I am a both a SM and a BM and offer the following aadvice, take it or leave it.
-You have no right to be present at the birth or to be included in the ocassion.
-The BM is going to have VERY different ideas about your parental involvement.
-Being a SM is a nightmare. You will constantly be put 2nd, feel your happiness is compromised and go through a very difficult time for years to come.
-I would DEFINITELY delay your marraige and i wouldn't expect to be a 'mum' to this baby - you can guarantee the BM would probably rather walk over hot coals than have you playing mummy with her baby - its just the way it is.
-i am trying to do you a favour here by telling you just how very hard (and at times miserable) life is as a SM. Your OH has other priorities and will have for a VERY long time.
Good luck whatever you chose to do and i hope it works out well for all of you.
The odds are if you stick
The odds are if you stick with this situation, in a few short years (or sooner), you will be posting here about how hurt you are that no one acknowledged you on mother's day despite all you've sacrificed of yourself. We will be here, ready to listen.
THIS Find a man who isn't
THIS
Find a man who isn't about to become a dad.
Sticking around is just asking for trouble.