sammyk38's picture

Fiance having baby with another woman..DUE IN 3 WEEKS!!!

Puzzled

Anyone out there get involved with someone having a child with another person? and i mean they are pregnant and child isnt here yet???? My fiance and i dont have a typical relationship. I truly believe he is my soulmate (call me crazy) and when him and i met his girlfriend/ex whateverrrrr just found out she was preggo and they decided to keep it. It was a battle and emotional but im truly excited for baby Mollie and to be a step parent. Now she is due by the end of this month and im having severe anxiety. Baby mama doesnt want me at the hospital which i understand but im going to be his wife!!! its not like im going to try to sneak into the delivery room, i know my place. Obviously the baby probably wont come home to stay with us until after that 3 month of age mark if not older. So that means i wont meet my step daughter until shes a few months old. It seriously drives me crazy and hurts and i just cry over it. I feel like its a piece of my fiance that im missing out on. We knew when we got into this that we would face obstacles and I have his back no matter what. We are getting married this July. Is it wrong that i feel like he should stand up for me and say no mywife is allowed there. I mean im going to be with this child and feeding changing sleepless nights. Im going to be another mother to it not just some once and a while baby sitter. AHHHH Help Sad


emotionaly beat up's picture

Postpone the marriage you

Postpone the marriage you clearly have only known him a few months anyway or he was sleeping with this girl and you at the same time, but whatever the circumstances you need more time to work through this. Lot of us on this site myself included believed we had met and married our soulmates - lots of us are on this site, you are too. So, we all are having serious issues or we would not be here. You may believe he is your soulmate, but he has to feel the same way, not just say he does.

The hospital issue, well it is not your place to be there and you are never going ot be another mother to this child, you will always be a step mother. You are going to go through so much once this baby is here and things will be difficult. My strong advice to you is as I said, postpone the marriage. I know you won't but you really should think this through and give yourself more time. Far easier to break an engagement than to end a marriage. Please give yourself more time. If you are soulmates then waiting a year to marry will be no big deal. I also suggest you keep reading other post on this site, because one day you will want babies of your own and this brings on another set of problems.

janeyc's picture

Could'nt day it better

Could'nt day it better myself, good advice.

Poodle's picture

Please don't interfere in

Please don't interfere in another woman's pregnancy and childbirth.

—

It's nothing personal.

sammyk38's picture

Im definately not

Im definately not interfering. I understand that for her this situation must be awful and I know I seem like just a big home wrecker to most people. I would never want to ruin this for her. She actually approaced me and said she wanted to accept everything and what not because I was going to be the babys step mom and if she was going to be in my care she wanted us all to function and be a happy family as best as that can happen. I never bothered her and i didnt break them up or anything like that. It was just awful timing. I care about them both and now she has recently just started ignoring me. Not that i can blame her. But she turned it from wanting us all to get along to just completely shutting me out. and yes i know she has every right and ill never be her biological mom but im still marrying the babys dad and im going to be in her life forever.

Echo's picture

You are WAY too involved in

You are WAY too involved in all of this.

You seem to believe that just because you sleep with this guy it gives you some kind of rights to be present at the birth, raise the child, etc. You will NEVER be anything other than this guys girlfriend/wife. You will be nothing to this woman or her child. That's the sad reality of what being a "Step Mom" is.

She may have told you that she wants to be ok with you, but I guarantee you that once this child is born she is going to be anything BUT ok with you. She won't want you being ANY kind of parent to HER child and will resent anything you attempt to do. Many courts won't even give the birth Father overnight visits until the child is a year of age, so no...it's not as though you're going to be up at night, etc with this baby. And even if the Dad DOES get overnights before age one, getting up at night, feeding, care etc is HIS job, not yours.

Back off. Allow this Mommy and Daddy to have their child and to bond with her. You're an outsider and will only interfere in that process if you push to be included. This baby does not now nor will she ever have 3 parents.

Your comment "Im going to be another mother to it not just some once and a while baby sitter" shows how much you really, REALLY don't know.

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Scubed's picture

THANK YOU X 100! I hope the

THANK YOU X 100!

I hope the poster reads this and accepts reality. Not this delusion she has conjured up in her mind.

—

"Option 1. Don't get involved. Being "uncomfortable" never killed anyone." ~wayinovermyhead

Echo's picture

Just the thought of what this

Just the thought of what this chick is going to endure if she continues with this mind set makes me sit in the corner with my knees pulled up to my chest, rocking back and forth muttering "This will not end well...this will not end well..."

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Agree! Unfortunately, I think

Agree! Unfortunately, I think we will be cast off as wrong and people who don't know the whole situation. Then the poor OP will be in such a mess and miserable once that baby is here and long after if she doesn't leave.

And this statement "I feel like its a piece of my fiance that im missing out on."

Just wait until you feel the full effect of being the outsider. You are the outsider. You can't begin to understand just how much you will not be a part of or involved in. Not to mention he's having a girl. If he's a guilty dad who needs approval from his daughter, that will be even more fun. I shudder to think about this. I'm ready to start rocking back in forth in a corner with Echo.

—

There's no need to interact with me, I'm just here to observe. -Sheldon Cooper
Formerly *Alwaysanxious*

Poodle's picture

No by interfering in

No by interfering in pregnancy and childbirth I wasn't referring to your being in a new relationship with the dad, but you need to know that when a woman is pregnant and planning her labour this is usually an intensely personal and private experience for her, which others can't intrude on. YOu certainly can't expect to visit her or be in the birthing room at the time, and some women who've just given birth don't want guests for several days. This is normal. I was just saying that it would really be appallingly painful for many mothers if someone were to intrude on this, not you specifically, but anyone who was not really connected with the baby. You are not connected with this baby and should accept that from the off. The only person who seems to have gone against that general run of things is Michael Jackson and look how he turned out.
Also remember that a lot of how she has spoken about you will change from moment to moment because, whatever she says out loud, she probably experiences you as unwelcome in her life (to put it mildly) and therefore you will get apparent irrationality because she is trying to be polite -- or just survive the situation emotionally.
Just because you are marrying the baby's father does not mean you will be in the baby's life forever, or at all, and it most certainly does not mean you will be in the mother's life forever. Maybe have a read of the book "stepmonster" to see how things can pan out? Or, have a look at some of the literature on people who have surrogacy arrangements? There can be a lot of separations involved in parenting and for you to think you will have this sort of happy family situation sounds a little like it is flowing against the odds.

—

It's nothing personal.

sammyk38's picture

Thank you for the book

Thank you for the book suggestions. I appreciate it and the advice.

StepAside's picture

OMG, I'm not a fortune

OMG, I'm not a fortune teller.. but I can see that your future is bleak! RUN!!

—

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

stormabruin's picture

So, if she hasn't given birth

So, if she hasn't given birth yet, & you & him were not together when she got pregnant, you haven't even been with him 9 months & you're engaged?

Perhaps you're going to be his wife, but she is the child's mother.

Yes, it is wrong for you to expect him to demand that this woman giving birth allow you to be there. This is THEIR child; not yours. You have no right to be there. It's just one of the many ugly hurtful truths that comes in dealing with someone else's child(ren).

The child hasn't even been born yet. You can't know what the visitation/custody arrangement is going to be. You don't know that you will experience feeding, changing diapers, or sleepless nights with this baby.

"I feel like its a piece of my fiance that im missing out on."
--------------------------------------------------------------
It's his child with another woman. That isn't something intended for 3rd parties to join in on. You won't be another mother to this child. The child has one mother. You may be a mother-figure, but the harder you push to claim ownership to this child, the uglier you're going to make it for your fiance to be a good father.

Accept things for what they are. There is a really good chance you WILL only be some once-in-awhile baby-sitter. Just ask the members who post here daily about this very thing.

Can I ask how old you & your fiance are & how long you've been together?

—

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

Helena.Handbasket's picture

I hate to sound like a jerk,

I hate to sound like a jerk, but I can tell from your expectations that you are going to be so unhappy. None of this is going to go the way you think it will.

You probably won't take any of our advice and tell yourself you will make it work.

Come back here after the baby is born, you will be ready to leave him but need the encouragement.

I promise that his ex won't want you having anything to do with that baby. I don't care what she says right now.

—

There's no need to interact with me, I'm just here to observe. -Sheldon Cooper
Formerly *Alwaysanxious*

Scubed's picture

Absolutely, Helena!

Absolutely, Helena!

—

"Option 1. Don't get involved. Being "uncomfortable" never killed anyone." ~wayinovermyhead

silver ring's picture

Are you a biological mother

Are you a biological mother or a step one?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

THISTHISTHIS. I am surprised

THISTHISTHIS. I am surprised about the idea that the father should be there for all of that. BM tried to get FDH to do the exact same thing, stay with her for 2 weeks to BOND with the baby and help her (even requested he rub her feet). Yeah, didn't happen because SHE made the choice to be a parent and did not give FDH a choice in the matter.

So, no, the father can take care of the child on his time. Otherwise the boundary issues that ripley mentioned will get out of hand.

silver ring's picture

I agree with you, Ripley.

I agree with you, Ripley. Mother decided to have a baby as a single mother. The baby's daddy should stick with his girlfriend. This situation is not like the one between a wife and her husband going through the experience of having a baby in a legally accepted union, marriage that is.
It amazes me how many women decide to have babies and they are not married with the babies' fathers.After they had the baby, they expect the fathers to jump and live with them.
For this lady who is about to marry her boyfriend, I would say " Don't do it, sweetie, unless you are absolutely sure he will stick with you and not the baby mama. You don;t want to get into a baby mama drama unnecessarily.
For all the people who say that stepparents are not parents as well, I tell them that they are wrong. Yes, stepparents did not give birth to their stepkids, but these kids live with the stepparents in some situations and stepparents provide for them more than the biological parents.It takes a village to raise a child.

knucklehead's picture

^^This. Is EXACTLY what I

^^This.

Is EXACTLY what I would say to my daughter.

overworkedmom's picture

^^ This is the best advice

^^ This is the best advice you are going to get. It is impossible for him to be pulled by 3 different people (you, bm, baby) and him to do any of it well right now. I really and truly believe in my heart that the best thing for you to do is postpone your upcoming wedding 1 year. See how this rides out. You seem so young and a year may seem so far away but trust those of us who have been there and done that. Take a BIG step back, you will never regret taking your time entering the biggest commitments of your life.

mommy_of_three_1_sd's picture

Since a relationship was

Since a relationship was going on between bf an bm not long before you came into the picture things can drastically change. People are usually on their best behavior for the first year of a relationship, so getting married this July, in my opinion, is something you should put on hold. It's not fair to you because you have no idea what this situation could turn into next year with this new baby. You should postpone the wedding and see how things go the first year of the child's life and see bf in a more realistic view over that year. BF's life hasn't changed yet because the baby isn't here yet. Once the baby comes he WILL change. People change once they have children and you will not be his main focus. He most likely will not have the energy to be on his best behavior with you anymore. Please, there is so much that is about to happen, do yourself a favor and put the wedding on hold for at least a year. You may decide that this life is too much to deal with an you won't have to if you won't want to because you have no obligation to the child.

Trust me, being a sm is very very difficult at times, especially in the beginning when your trying to figure out where your boundaries are in a blended family situation.

sezrob's picture

I have read all the posts and

I have read all the posts and to be honest hun I'd run for the hills my best friend was left heart broken when her husband left her for his bm 6 months after chhild was born it is horrible to watch and just as heart breaking for u. He may be "your one" but all the fun will be taken out of ur pregnancy if u ever to have one because it will be constantly compared to hers and how will u feel if she calls at 2am every night saying she can't settle baby?? Being a step mum is hard work hun I'd take a step back cause the only person that will get hurt is u x

bi's picture

you are not married to this

you are not married to this man. you are not anything to his ex, and you are not currently anything to his child to be. he can tell his ex anything he wants to, but bottom line is that it is HER choice who is at the hospital. the most you can do without her permission is sit in the waiting room. she doens't even have to allow your fiance to be there if she doesn't want to! if you hope to have any kind of a decent relationship with her or her child, you better rein it in immediately. you are pushing way too hard to be somewhere that you have no right to be.

—

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

Echo's picture

Flabby by night, but by day ?

Flabby by night, but by day ? Dum dum DUM !! CAPTAIN SARCASTIC !!! Beloved super hero of step Moms every where ! Eye-wink

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Scubed's picture

Love when you play devil's

Love when you play devil's advocate! Its very.refreshing!

—

"Option 1. Don't get involved. Being "uncomfortable" never killed anyone." ~wayinovermyhead

Disneyfan's picture

HUH???? LOL

HUH???? LOL

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Okay. Uh, so that was where I

Okay. Uh, so that was where I was... oh... a year and a half ago?

FDH and I began seeing each other 3 months before SS was born. He cut it off with BM (who was not even an ex, just a woman he had a short physical thing once in a while with) about a month before she told him she was preggo (claims she didn't know, but she planned it.)

Word of advice--read more of STALK, a LOT MORE OF IT.

At the time I was excited too, I thought everyone else could keep BM Crazy-pants in check and I'd be the most awesome bonus mom, like, EVER on the face of this planet. Yeah, okay, nothing can keep a bitter, insane, jealous, scornful, diagnosed disassociative woman in check and you begin to learn what you are and are not willing to put up with.

I'm sure your FDH has said you'd be an awesome mom, wished this was your child, etc. etc. etc. (I've heard it all) which makes you feel like you have to live up to those expectations. BM, who was hearing from other people that we were together, freaked out when FDH told her he was going to bring someone for support at the birth (which he ended up not attending, due to the fact that BM requested an induction, but it was too early so she ended up sitting in labor for 4 days, by which time FDH's trip was over) and said under no circumstances should his newest squeeze be allowed--he told her to chill because he meant he was bringing his mom. It hurt that although FDH wanted me involved, I was being left out, but I understood. Didn't make it any less shitty though, and you don't fully understand how MUCH it hurts until you are thinking about it late at night, he's not there with you, you know where he is and who he is with, and you have to act goddamn happy for him when it's eating you up. But it is NOT your place.

Anyway, whatever ideals you have about this, you need to set heavy, heavy boundaries NOW and lay out the fact that you demand respect, equality, the right to refuse to help (as it is a favor), the right to NOT love your stepchild (but be cordial with her), if he is going to be with you. Either he agrees or you walk--otherwise you'll end up where so many of these stepparents are today.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Lol because I'm hoping my

Lol because I'm hoping my experience would somehow knock those giant baby glasses off her face? You know, because I went through it and I think that somehow warning someone who hasn't gone through the succeeding steps can save them a lot of heart-ache...?

Or something about a leprachaun and a unicorn getting together and having a drink commiserating about the inequality of life?

I think it's a learning experience for those who are in this specialty kind of situation, because I'd be lying if I said I and FDH didn't go through the exact same emotional feelings that she and her FDH (wanting to be the mom, getting full custody, and kicking crazypants BM out of the picture) are currently going through. I'd give it 6 months after the child is born for reality to hit, when they're going through the court proceedings and everything is going wrong. I know I had my ideals shattered fast, and in my opinion, GOOD RIDDANCE I am not the same person I was when I started. (And STALK has helped tremendously.)

She must be young, I know I was.

Poodle's picture

Ripley this isn't mean. I'm

Ripley this isn't mean. I'm a BM as well as a SM and can I tell you how dreadfully it shook me to the core just to read Sammy's first post? I'm well past menopause but every maternal hormone I ever had just reared up in me roaring at the instinctive outrage I felt that someone else should try to muscle in on a woman's pregnancy and labour. I usually react reading posts as a SM not a BM since I am on the site for support as a SM. So, if I go into BM mode, that tells me something just something about how difficult it would be for a person in Sammy's position to fight against the tide of nature. So many posters have so well described the one-to-one bonding that goes on between a BM and a child when nature works (and it usually does). And indeed the shatteringly lifechanging experience for the BF, if he chooses to be open to that, of seeing his first child being born. Of course he will consider returning to the BM.
I haven't seen anyone make a mean-minded or even rude comment to Sammy on these postings yet with the exception of me, tastelessly mentioning Michael Jackson, of whom I had the same reaction when he in an interview described running down a hospital corridor with "his" newborn baby almost before they had cut the placenta from the surrogate.
The physical, instinctive bond a mother and a newborn have is INVINCIBLE. Consider for a moment the fact that you can tell, before a miscarriage, exactly when your foetus has died... that you can tell your newborn by a touch on the back of the hand in the dark, and pick it from a crowd of others... That you lactate as soon as you hear its voice... that the chemical content of your milk changes depending on what its needs are... That you... honestly there's no point explaining further except to tell Sammy she will know the feelings when she has them for herself.
I'm sorry but the idea that anyone else, even frankly the BF, could stake any claim to "closeness" with either of my two BSs within the first year of birth, would be utterly laughable.

—

It's nothing personal.

Poodle's picture

I'm not so sure as you. I

I'm not so sure as you. I don't think that genuine posters would leave a post like that and then avoid reading the answers, no matter how blunt some of them are. Yes someone like this might not post again, so as not to draw fire, but they would keep returning to the answers that they can relate to and therefore, I don't think your supportive replies have been wasted. This post has drawn an immense number of replies fast, more than most others do. It is certainly a controversial one but what I notice about the controversial ones is that they generate a huge and fruitful brainstorm. I am sure that the OP is going to be picking through all this information repeatedly and will be well able to glean advice from the many that look perfectly supportive though blunt.

—

It's nothing personal.

stormabruin's picture

Yep. Forget the baby. All

Yep. Forget the baby. All eyes on the wife-to-be.

These 2 statements shout entitlement:

Baby mama doesnt want me at the hospital which i understand but im going to be his wife!!!
Is it wrong that i feel like he should stand up for me and say no mywife is allowed there.

Baby mama is giving birth. The idea that you're going to be his wife is irrelevant. What will be relevant that day & forever is that, wife or not, he has a child with her. You're not more important in the situation because you're engaged.

It would be incredibly wrong & disrespectful & out of line for him to demand that she agree to have you there for the birth of THEIR child. Not to mention, if the baby is due in 3 weeks & you're not getting married until July, you're no more his wife than she ever was.

—

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."