SD27 hates me with a passion. When she called this morning, she wanted to let DH know that GrandD had a ballgame tonight. DH says "I'll see what I'm doing tonight". I have asked him (so many times that I've lost count) to please say "We'll see what we're doing". We are a couple - he is no longer a single man. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? It really hurts when he does it, and by now, you'd think he'd remember to say it. But, then again, everytime he talks to her, it's like he's under a trance.
Oh, and by the way, this is the same SD that has been saying things about me in front of her 3 year old. We took him to school last week, and while we were in the car he said, "My mom doesn't like you" (to which I said, well that's too bad) and then "My mom says you're a BITCH!" - I had him repeat it because I couldn't believe it came out of his mouth - he's 3! When DH questioned SD about it, she denied saying it and said he's always saying things like that. Like my BD16 said - what does she think that DH is stupid?
1) Yes. You're making a
1) Yes. You're making a mountain out of molehill. You're honestly trying to control HOW he tells her no? You're nitpicking and in doing so only causing YOURSELF grief. Let it go.
2) Stop doing for your DSs daughter. When your driving HER child to school and hear crap like that, you need to stop doing one single thing for her or her child. Disengage and that means that anything that needs doing for your DHs grandchild, HE does. NOT you. You'd be a fool to continue to provide ANY type of help for her or the child she is actively turning against you. I'd put them both on "ignore".
If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.
Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi
Actually, SD calls DH and
Actually, SD calls DH and asks him to do it (it's the only time she calls him all week). He always wants me to go because otherwise I can't have any type of relationship with them. Like tonight - we had talked about GD coming over to spend the night, but didn't completely discuss it. I have finals this weekend, and he and I both know that if she stays, not only will SH not be home when she's supposed to pick her up, but that I will be responsible for her all day.
One thing that I think is odd (and kind of funny) with DH behavior. When he does this and I tell him that it hurts me because he did it again - he gets all lovey. Comes over and kisses me, tells me how pretty I am, and that he loves me...he knows damn well what he's doing - and when he's screwed up - so why does he, after 2 1/2 years, keep screwing up the SAME things?
He's not "screwing up". He's
He's not "screwing up". He's being himself. He's an ass. He thinks so little of your feelings that he really does believe that he can do whatever the hell he wants and all it takes to 'fix it' is to say "Oh..you're so pretty" and then you 'forgive' him.
He may "want you to go" but that doesn't mean you have to, does it? And if you have finals this weekend, why in the heck would you agree to allow a 3 year old to come and spend the weekend? Say NO. It's so easy. If he insists on bringing that child over, you do NOTHING for him. And I mean NOTHING. No fixing meals, no talking to him....nothing. Your education matters and if this man you're married to wants HIS grandchild over, HE can take care of him. Period.
You have a spine. Use it and stand up for yourself. (sounds harsh, but I don't mean it it...I'm attempting to empower you and help you see that you have a voice and that you are NOT this man/SDs 'victim'.)
If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.
Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi
He's not screwing up. He
He's not screwing up. He knows he can get away with what he's doing. If you get upset, all he has to do is kiss you, say the right things and everything will be fine.
No matter what he does, he still gets to have the relationship he wants to have with is daughter and granddaughter. He also gets to have you do what he wants you to do.
Why would he change? All of his wants and needs are being met.
"...not only will DH not be
"...not only will DH not be home when she's supposed to pick her up, but that I will be responsible for her all day."
WRONG! You are playing your part in this game. Your SD can hate you. Your DH can pretend she doesn't and be her loving man. But you do not have to participate in their games. Like hell. You are in control of you. If they want an exclusive relationship, give it to them. And she can stay the hell away from you. See how your DH likes it then. He acts like you don't exist to her, so stop existing to her.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
By itself, it's not such a
By itself, it's not such a big deal, but my experience as a SM is that the unpleasantness is made up of lots of small things. This example being one of them. I also found my DH's attitude in this regard hurtful: one example that really sticks in my mind is DH would always refer to our home as "my house" instead of "our house", I'm sure there were many more.
SD is happy to dismiss you and it seems that DH is going along with it by mentioning only himself and his own plans instead of both of you as a couple.
"Actually, SD calls DH and
"Actually, SD calls DH and asks him to do it (it's the only time she calls him all week). He always wants me to go because otherwise I can't have any type of relationship with them."
Not to be mean or rude, but SD doesn't WANT you to have any type of relationship with her or with her daughter. Why would you keep putting yourself in these situations just to keep getting chewed up and spit out.
You need to disengage. Let your DH deal with his daughter and you find a new hobby.
"Raising Children Is Like Being Pecked To Death By A Chicken."
I've been trying to disengage
I've been trying to disengage from 3 of his 5 kids for awhile - the oldest SD is the hardest because she's the most evil - I've been giving her too much power for too long, and it's really hard to get that power back. She has contaminated just about every relationship I have with his kids - doing things from spreading lies about me, accusing me of things of things I haven't done or said. She has this sick need to make sure that everyone is on her side.
What makes it harder is that DH and I have a BD14mths. I wish that I could just go away when the Skids are here, but why should I have to wake BD from a nap, or pack her up and leave every time they come around. I wish we lived in our own house (that wasn't "Daddy's" house from the beginning), so I would have more say about when they come over & then I can plan to be gone. I could say when they stop - "You know, we are in the middle of something - now isn't a good time for a visit.", or "BD is sleeping - how about if DH calls you when she wakes up and then you all can visit". Or I wish we'd move far away, so then we would always know when they were coming. Now they just show up and walk in - help themselves to whatever food and drink from the fridge, and feel free to glare at me, or make snarky comments (only when Daddy isn't around).
yeap same here, me and
yeap same here, me and stepdown will be happy to attend. and how do you know if you never asked me
Sounds like the same thing
Sounds like the same thing that i am going through of course when confronted they always have some extravagant pathetic ridiculous lie to cover there actions. My SD who is 27 has done the same thing to me and my husbands 3 year old daughter she comes home from there saying that my SD doesn't like us that we r mean then she says mommy and daddy ur mean to SD. it is not right nor fair. this is the reasoning behind why i will not allow her to see my daughter anymore. I don't think a 3 year old should be subjected to that kind of behavior and ugliness. sorry your going through this its hard I know trust me! and it's hard to keep your mouth shut to your husband i'm sure. wish i could tell you it was going to get better but most likely it won't she will continue to hold a trance over your husband until he puts a stop to it your kinda shit out of luck. really sad that adult Step children act in the ways they do.
My OSD30 has said the most
My OSD30 has said the most horrible things about me behind my back and been very passive aggressive most of the 18 years I have known her. When I had my fill from her and her sisters, I quit going with DH to see them. And I told him I wouldn't let our kids go with him either. Too damned bad. I'm not going to have my kids hang out with people who treat their mother like hell. And I already know the next trick, when they try convincing my own children to think like them. Over my dead body.
After I made that decision, they really started demanding that my DH bring our kids, even if I didn't agree. Uh, that's kidnapping. I dared him to try it. He never would and he understands my position. But his family gave him hell. Rather than concede they had been aggressive for years, they just got worse. Thanks for proving my point!
What was just amazing was that they never hesitated to come after me. Didn't bother them to piss me off or hurt me in the slightest. And then they thought they could come get my kids. Ha ha, this mama bear draws the line. No more games. My kids are not pawns in a stupid game of insecurity, jealousy and rage.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
You have a 14month old BD.
You have a 14month old BD. Do you want some of her first sentences to be "mommy's a bitch"? It's so obvious looking at it as a mother if not a wife -- you say you wish you could just get out when the skids come. But you have to get your child away from this! Otherwise, later she will be either directly verbally abused by these people or they will abuse her by enlisting her into the team that disses you! Either way you have to protect her. I would suggest, plan A, save the marriage and get the skids out, keeping the home as a shelter for you and your daughter. Maybe do this via direct conversations with DH, counselling, whatever. Or, plan B, sorry but you do have to be a separate household with your BD in order to ensure she has a caring environment for her upbringing. So, separation from DH. Either way you have to take action. Consider your child's developmental milestones and use them as deadlines for when you will have provided her with a good environment, and put it to hubs that way IMO. He can't neglect his daughter like this or, if so, you'lll step in.
It's nothing personal.
In the meantime, whenever
In the meantime, whenever they visit in future, make yourself a promise to never be in a room on your own with them.
It's nothing personal.
Talking to DH about this is
Talking to DH about this is pointless. I tried to talk to him yesterday about how he and his 5 kids are this exclusive clique. I've tried for 2 1/2 years to get in, but am not wanted. I told him that because of his actions, he has left BD and I out of the clique, and that he definitely treats his BK different than ours. He said that was unfair, and not true. But, I see it.
We've seen 4 counselors about this...he still doesn't see the writing on the wall - when we argue, he continually brings up "We've seen 4 counselors who have told you there is a difference between parental and marital love". "If I lived with OSD, I would have problems with her and wouldn't put up with her crap. I treat my BK different than you (DW) because I don't live with them and see them everyday(YSD lives with us)".
If I would say to him what you said Poodle, he would go through the roof - he is doing nothing wrong. It's all me.
I'll turn that around though!
I'll turn that around though! If there is a difference between parental and marital love, then how about this. Whilst you'll tolerate the abuse to you for the sake of your marital love, you won't tolerate the abuse to your daughter for the sake of parental love. There is a difference indeed! And one that entitles you to get some action!
It's nothing personal.
StThomas- Nothing changes if
StThomas-
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you allow your husband to act this way then nothing will change. That is the long and short of it. It sounds to me like he bullies you, and you are used to accepting this second class treatment. Why does he have all this power--and you are not heard? Why are you so afraid of angering him? Are you dependent on him financially?
Wow this SD needs to be put
Wow this SD needs to be put in her place, stat!! Don't EVER participate in helping with HER kids, if that is how she talks about you!! Tell her off one time, to where she is afraid to start anything with you!! Give it back to her-!!! Forget whether your DH will like it, this is another girl, talking shit about you??!!!
I would also make sure the child gets in trouble for saying things like that-!! Make him stand in the corner, he deserves it and don't take the excuse that SD is telling him to say it, he is saying it!! Help the kid, its apparently too late for the B*tch SD!!
Why don't you get in your DH's face and say, you need to include me, we are MARRIED!!! You do need to stand up for yourself. Take control of your life-!!!! Don't get sad, get MAD and raise hell, until this stops-!!!!!
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano