I wanted to share this comparison with all of you just so you know how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful husband.
I was married once before and was with my ex for over 20 years total. When we were married I was in the Air Force (he was not). I was stationed close enough that I could drive home on weekends (it was a 4 hour drive). A few months before I was discharged from the service I was ill and required surgery. After I was released from the hospital I was given a 6 week medical leave. I asked my husband if he could come and get me as I was not permitted to drive. He balked at the idea because he didn't want to bring me back when my leave was up. OK, fine, I said. I will just stay here. He decided to come get me but brought his brother with him. His brother drove my car home so when it was time for me to return I could drive myself back.
My DH and I have been married for almost 3 years now. I am getting ready to make the final move to the west coast. My DH has been there since November while I stayed behind to prepare the house for sale. I have a cat, she will be 15 years old next month. I took her to the vets for booster shots and a check up as she has been throwing up alot lately. Turns out it is her liver that is the root of her problems. I have been trying to figure out how to move my cat clear across the country. I did some research on flying her out but everything I read told me this would not be good for her. It was getting to the point where the whole thing upset me so much that I was getting ill. Yeah I know, she's just a cat, but I've had her since she was 6 months old. Anyway, I told my DH how upset I was about the situation and I just didn't know what to do to cause her the least amount of trauma. His solution? He is going to fly here the Friday before I was planning on leaving and together we will drive out to California. We are going to rent a minivan so there will be plenty of room for us, my cat, and all her accoutrements.
It just makes me wonder sometimes...I had one husband who wouldn't drive 4 hours for ME, yet I now have a husband who is willing to fly across the country because I was worried about how I was going to get my cat to California.
Do you think I am fortunate? I certainly do. And this is the man whose kids hate him. They don't even know him. What a pity.
They don't even know him.
That comment really resonates with me. My skids don't really know their dad at all. They've been fed so much crap by their mother over the years and now they are so busy with their own lives that they don't give him the time of day. He's a source of income and gifts, not really a person. I wonder what they would think if they knew him the way I know him, the way our two kids know him. I wonder, if they knew how much he struggles inwardly because of them, would it make them actually care about him a little? It really is a pity. These kids could have the best dad in the world, but first their mother chose and now they choose not to acknowledge him, except when he is giving them money or gifts. Sad for him, yes, but sad for them, too.
I lucked out in the second husband department, too. He has his asshole moments for sure, but all things considered, he's been everything to me that no one else ever was and he's given more than he's taken. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
my tale
I married pretty young, I just turned 20 -after our "wedding" my husband at the time had to go on a cruise with the military less than a month of our wedding, he was gone for 6 months, when he came back I dressed up to go out with him, we went dancing and drinking..he seemed kinda angry so decided to go home, when we got in the car he was so angry with me started calling me a slut cuz of the way I was dressed and asked if I dressed that way while he was gone...I was stunned.
it was pretty much all down hill from there, I was verbally abused so much I was left with no self esteem, after 18 yrs of that, I left.
I met FH, this man compliments me everytime we go out or dont, he wants me to look nice and is proud when he sees other guys look at me.
My ex would have yelled at me for guys looking at me.
god forbid a strange man would talk to me!
My ex hated all my animals was so mean to them, my FH loves my animals and takes them for walks when I cant.
mye FH would be so perfect if he just didnt have kids with his wacked ex.
I could go into such many other examples of the abuse by ex (like how he got mad and hit me cuz I forgot my drivers license and he wanted to go to another club)and how it is taking me so long to believe in myself it would be a super long post...with the help of FH I am slowly liking me. he gives me so much
that is my tale thanks for reading!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I pretty much have the same story as the others
Married young TWICE (boy am I stupid) to abusive, full of male privilege guys who lived off of me. Wouldn't do ANYTHING for me and expected me to do all the work, make a living, raise the children, keep the house, etc. Their job was to have a "fun job that they liked" read: minimum wage and basically have fun (going out at night, etc.)
The 2nd one was a lot like sai Deschain's 1st hubby. Was always accusing me of cheating (he was actually doing the cheating)gave me an STD. etc etc. always beating me up and drunk all the time.
BOTH of these guys got out of paying CS completely.
Now along comes a man like Georgia was eluding to. A wonderful loving father who LOVES kids(sometimes i regret not being able to give him another set of kids, b/c his first set are also completely POISONED by the BM against us). He pays WAY OVER his fair share of CS. This guy has a heart of gold and will go out of his way to help and is a wonderful "man's man" He doesn't go out and party with women or men; he comes straight home from work and starts remodeling our home and sometimes cooks dinner. He is always willing to help out! A FAR cry from my first 2 husbands.
BM and skids also view him as a wallet and a source of gifts and that is all. They do everything in their power to make him feel like an outsider and a no-account per the BM. Disgusting!
It's kind of like a comment I heard a lady say
back in the day when I was in "the cult." She said "why is it that all the horrible men get the good women and all the horrible women get the good men?"
Truer words were never spoken.
Crayon
What kind of cult were you in? if you don't mind my asking. I would love to hear more if you can, if not I understand. I just think I am a counselor or something and like to know about different situations.
I am thinking it was not a good experience, so if you don't want to talk about it I understand
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Jehovah's Witnesses
I was born into it with super fanatical parents; I did a slow retreat as I hit my 40th birthday and as of 43 I was all but out of it. Problem I have with it is that it is:
1. WAY too restrictive; I can post the do's and dont's (the don'ts take up like 4 pages alone)
2. Put you on a guilt trip from infancy; you're never good enough; the children are VERY well-behaved but that is because they are smacked if they don't sit still through 2 hours of droning from adults with no colouring books, etc. this starting from babyhood. If a child say 9 mos old starts crying/fussing in the middle of a 2 hour long sermon, it is routinely taken out back and spanked. Now I'm not against spanking in extreme cases (like if a child should run out into the street) we were spanked/beaten/smacked at every turn. I guess that is why i see such a HUGE contrast with the skids who have NO discipline, to the extremes I was raised with.
3. If you decide to leave, you can never do so on good terms. You are shunned by your family members who are still in (my parents haven't spoken to me in the last two years now)
OMG
Sorry my computer died yesterday, I just saw this . . . your list is unbelievable, I shudder to think of all you couldn't do! Sometimes when I watch Big Love I think, well it is kind of neat to be living your faith with the full support of your entire community, but the dark side of it is terrifying-!! I can imagine what this does to children's development and self esteem . . . I am sorry honey, and can't believe your parents, it is like they have been brain-washed I guess?
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Me too!
I left about 6 years ago, I couldn't handle it anymore and I was born into it also.
If i hadn't gone through
What i did, then i def. would not be able to appreciate the man i am with now.
My ex was very abusive, verbally and not to say he hit me, but we would def get into physical confrontations and i knew that his next step of swingin on me was too close. I was married 6yrs, together 7 and i always thought things would get better, but they only get worse.
I was never the type to be attracted to the all so sweet guys, i liked a man with toughness, but i guess that was my problem.
Since being with my current spouse, i have realized that this is how a woman should be treated, and being super nice is not so bad after all. I feel appreciated, loved and my bf loves when i dress super sexy to go out, and i am able to dress the way i want, and just be my crazy self, and now because of the way he is, i feel so confidant about me.
I know going through all the drama with my ex, has actually helped me be with a better man and made me a better person, and appreciate what i do have, minus the baby mama drama. lol!
Sasha your husband is great
My God that would mean so much to me! I think your ex was a jerk too, but its weird men just have basic jerk reactions sometimes, why is that? I think they didn't like their mom telling them what to do so they refuse to help any female? or something twisted like that, how ungrateful!
But I am So glad you found each other, and yes, the kids are missing out Big Time.
It will be fun to drive across the country!! I have always wanted to do that
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
My two husbands
Husband one came along a few months after I got out of and abusive relationship. He was 25 years old, cute, confidant, sarcastically funny, intelligent, not abusive (though a womanizer of a dater.) I was nineteen and wounded, held him at arms length for months while he became infatuated with winning me over.
When I finally emotionally recovered from my traumatic adolescence I seemed to have outgrown him. He never took my requests for finishing my degree, the one I dropped out of while living with him, seriously. Even when he inherited a lot of money and we could finally afford it. He hated when I did theatre, and his idea of support was tolerance.
Then I spent 5 and a half amazing, painful, spiritually and personally awakening years alone. Had my heart broken by a high school sweet heart married man, who after three years of toiling over the decision to leave his wife, did not. Worst heartache of my entire life by far. Most beautiful and painful experience ever.
Then....a friend of mine dies of cancer. Twenty-six years old. Never married, no kids. devastating. And I think....what am I doing pining for something that will never be?
I see married man once more and say goodbye. The next week I set off on a search. Three weeks later I meet DH.
I am very liberal Theatre major at a liberal arts school. DH is very conservative ARMY major teaching ROTC at same liberal arts school.
I think-
NO WAY. Too short, too conservative, shoes way too shiny.
But...on first date we talked for four hours, he asked before holding my hand and let me initiate kissing him goodnight.
THEN called me at 7 am to tell me what a good time he had and to ask when I was free to go out again, thereby breaking all "don't call for days and keep her guessing" male codes of player dating.
When I told him that I get along with my ex and his wife on an early date, he said, "Wow that's amazing. How do you do that?????" Which was the first time a man hadn't reacted with, "Why?" instead.
When I told him I loved to act and plays take every night throughout a long rehearsal period he responded with, "I can't wait to see you onstage."
When we were discussing what I saw in my future career wise I kept saying things like, "Well I gave up staying at home when I got divorced....I really miss staying at home...if I'm still on my own I'll go to grad school so I can teach at a state college so my kids can get an education..." And he finally said, "Do you WANT to stay at home?" I feared I would look like I was searching for a sugar daddy to sweep me off my feet, but answered honestly, "Ummmm....kinda." He said, "I think that's wonderful. Whichever you do, work or stay home, I think it's great either way."
Wow...
Thanks Sasha for this prompt. I think some of us with really wonderful men need reminding of it now and then when our ungrateful SK's start to rub off our ability to experience gratitude.
Peace, love, and red wine
Mine's a tale of three hubby's
That's what they say, the third time's a charm. It certainly is in my case.
First ex was lazy, did not want to work, layed around on the couch all weekend watching sports and sleeping, was an alcoholic and drug addict (I did not know the latter until much later) , wouldn't even change his daughter's diaper - he would let her sit in it until I returned from the store.
Second ex is way overprotective, insecure, tried to buy my love and is now doing the same thing with BD#2, tries to buy his friends and current girlfriend, is way worse than any scorned woman, too emotional, treated my first (not his) BD like crap at times, tells everyone he meets how much money he makes etc..
Third hubby is the charm. He cooks, does laundry, picks up after himself and me (which sometimes annoys me since I am a neatfreak too), makes up the bed every day, does all the outside chores, tends to me when I'm sick, writes me poetry, treats my daughter very well, pays his CS on time and way overdoes for his adult kids. He is always doing a home improvement project and yes, he does finish them all. I couldn't ask for a better guy!
Awww
You trade husbands, ya trade problems! (If you're smart, you get fewer problems the second time 'round.)
My Tale
Would be called "DOH!!! A Tale of a Stupid Happily Single Woman that Decided to Get Married!"
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
I'll only mention Three, Two Exes and My Old Lady...
I'll only mention Three, Two Exes and My Old Lady, in detail.
My EW, was a Miserable, Cheating, Abusive, Hick. When I got met Her, it was through a freind who was dating Her Best Freind, and called them to get a ride to a Party at another chick's house...
We were only planning on Having Fun Together for a few months, NOTHING SERIOUS, NO COMMITMENT...She was leaving town sometime in the next few months, as soon as Her Parents found and bought a new house, where he was Transfered to, 4 hours away. Everything was Great, until She Left. We Realized We had Fallen in Love, or at Least I had. After a year of Long Distance and Open Commitment, I got stranded There (My [already paid]Ride Home Got Jailed for 90 days) and ended up being offerd to Move In Permanently, by My In Laws. I Should have known better than to believe a 17 yr old was capable of Committing, but I was Faithful for most of The time We were together/Married. She wasn't. I gave up all My "Girlfreinds", when I moved, She didn't give up Her "boyfreind". I was constantly accused of Cheating, etc.
I Should have kept walking two days before the Wedding, when She tried to Stab Me...I Did Throw Her Out following Her trying to put a hammer Through My Face, 19 months later.
My Son's Mother and I had a Mostly Good Relationship, there were Bad Times, We both made Mistakes, but When We Split Up, We Stayed Very Close Freinds, and Co-Parented Our Son cooperatively. Things have since deteriorated quite a bit, Due Mostly to Her BF being an Abusive A_ _hole, and My Current Old Lady and Her haveing Issues...
My Beloved Old Lady and I have had a lot of Ups and Downs, including DV incidents(Both Ways), Breakups, Ex Fights,Seperations, etc.
We Love Each Other, Very Much, and I Do Love All Our Kids, even though I have serious issues with ALL of Them, occasionally, and some of Them consistently. The types of Problems We've had, are the Reason I said " I WILL NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH CHICKS WITH KIDS !"
since I was a kid. I saw the Hell My Parents went through over Us Kids(Me, (B)Sister, 3 (S)Brithers, (S)Sister) and I Swore I'd NEVER Inflict that on kids, Mine or a Girl's, let alone Myself...
When I broke that rule, I did it Royally, My Old Lady has 7, 6 at home, when We got together, and I have 2, one I see, My other Son I haven't seen since He was an Infant. When things are Good Between Me and OL, They're Great, but when it get's bad it's just as Extreme...
The Good Times have Outweighed the bad, and We Keep Trying. The Last Few Weeks have been Really Good, but We had a real Bad Patch, for a while before that.
I DON'T Believe there's any such thing as "...Happily Ever After", but I Do Have Hope that We Can Make It Work, if We BOTH WANT IT BAD ENOUGH, but I think that is True for ANY Relatioship, Both Partners have to WANT To Make It Work, Whatever It Takes...
Sorry I did't stay with The "...Happily Ever After" theme, but That's Just Me...LOL
Yes Cru', sometimes I Think My Story should be a Guy's version of Yours...
Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
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