Ok....I used that title to get your attention, making me no better than the advertisers and marketing teams I am at some point always complaining about!
But now that you're reading this post really is about sex and what the current teenagers are up to.
Not older teens but barely teens or younger.
My SD is obsessed with sex in a way that disturbs me, where as my BS 13 is only moderately curious about the mystery that is sex, proven by a "naked ladys" search last summer turned up on the family computer first thing in the morning. THAT brought about some interesting discourse between DH and myself. DH proved his innocence by the fact that he would know to erase his history (not sure how comforting THAT is) AND that he also knows how to spell "ladies".
But SD is another story. She has a mom who is juggling two overnight man friends, as well as providing SD with slutty clothes/ underewear. What should we expect from a woman who told SD she should go as a rock star for Halloween a few years ago (SD was TEN) and wear a short mini and bra showing through her tank top, stockings, and spike high heels. Ummm...we vetoed that as SD is always here for trick or treat.
SD has gotten in trouble at school for constant note writing to friends during lecture time. We have told her that occasionally we will inspect her notebooks to make sure she's taking notes instead of writing them to friends during teacher lectures. (She also had other weird notebooks full of negative and spiteful things about other students and teachers last year-80 pages front and back rantings written in a week or so that were disturbing.)
Anyway, I have only done it a few times this year, and there hasn't been that much of it in her actual notebooks. But yesterday her notebook was enlightening. She was writing a boy in class. In the note she keeps asking him (not the boy she is "going out with" but just a friend of hers) if he likes her, what he likes about her, and finally she asked if he was a virgin. SD is 13. Why is she asking a boy if he's a virgin???? I am appalled. I don't remember the boy's response but he pretty much stopped writing her after that so I'm thinking it caught him off guard and made him uncomfortable.In another note she and her friend are discussing sex, and how the COOL friend's mom told her daughter she didn't care if she makes out with boys (plural???) but to just wait til she's 16 to have sex.
Now come on. I know kids, teens. I had sex at sixteen. Whatever. That doesn't mean as a parent I need to tell my kid at 13 that on their sixteenth birthday they are instantly ready for sex. Like it goes on the list next to driver's permit. How about not until you are mature enough to pick someone who is caring, and wants a committed loving relationship with you? Or....how about not until you are ready to have a baby or an STD? A job to support yourself on your own?
I know I sound perhaps old fashioned or prudish. I'm not. I was a child of distracted parents (I've written about that some before, I had a brother who became severely disabled at 17-- when I was only 12. I experimented with drinking, drugs and different levels of sexual activity, from the age of THIRTEEN. I could say, "Wow I became an independent self sufficient honors college grad who is very spiritual and grounded anyway so what's the problem?"
Well...I didn't become all that until my thirties because I spent my teens and twenties trying to peel off the layers of depression, self doubt, self loathing that the drinking and the sex and the self objectifying that occurred due to not being ready for all those things. I made it here anyway, but almost didn't after several years of suicidal thoughts in high school.
So what the hell can we do to make our kids understand that their minds are being brainwashed by media. Our kids who have had the "trauma" of divorce and parents who hate each other...but never really known economic or physical hardship traumas which can actually inspire people to overcome. It's like the kids don't WANT to overcome, just continue on a downward spiral.
And parents are trying to be realistic so they say things like SD's friend's mom. What they're really saying is, "Please wait til you're 16, because then if you get pregnant I will be better able to handle it." It's about MORE than that. We have to stop saying "well we did it and we turned out ok." We are not ok. We are facing a generation of kids who are not ok so we CAN'T be ok. What is ok about a girl's self worth not extending past her cleavage or tight jeans?
Ok...that's all for now. I'm sure more will come to me as you all give me feedback here.
haha- I saw the word "sex"
haha- I saw the word "sex" and clicked right away
I would be relieved if my SS searched for "naked ladys"
because the sexual things he was looking at on our computer were very strange and disturbing-
I agree that it's not right to tell a kid that at a certain age, they can have sex...I like the approach of telling kids, especially girls to value themselves enough to not let anyone pressure them into doing anything they don't feel ready for, and I don't think a lot of girls are ready at 16. I think a lot of times, they're just doing it for the boy.
I wonder why your SD's mom is so interested in sexualizing her. Is it because that's what she's about and she wants them to have that in common? It's weird.
I wasn't worried BS was searching...
We found it humorous actually, and teased him enough that he never did it again (which we know from our new spiffy parental controls
The contrast is sad. BS 13 is being a 13 year old boy. SD is being a sex obsessed, attention seeking immature entitled...well I guess I could go on and on.
I don't envy you for the strange stuff your SK's do and put you through.
Peace, love, and red wine
I don't know the answer
to this but it scares the water out of me too! My SD12 is boy crazy, and I mean she eats, sleeps, draws, walks and talks boys 24/7. She never can get enough attention from anyone at any time and is despirate for a boyfriend. What is even worse now is her grades are starting to fall (failing 2 classes right now) but she has always been an honor roll student. What do you do? I am afraid that once she gets to high school it will be all over but the crying if things don't change and fast. I wish I could get DH to understand how bad this is for his child but he just does not see it as such a bad thing and has no clue about what to do about it. Neither do I, I didn't have this problem with BD19. Please let me know if you come up with anything Zenmom, I could use some sound advice on this subject too.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
I have not come up with any answers
Only more problems. A big one which I will post by itself later today. Sex is getting my SD in trouble. Details to follow.
Peace, love, and red wine
Oh, and one more thing
I don't think BM will be of ANY help here at all. She buys SD12 padded push up bras (she doesn't even have bumps yet) and has allowed SD to shave her legs since she was 9. SD12 is on the phone all the time to whoever, whenever and DH has no clue. She also has a myspace page and DH has no idea who she talks to on that either. All too early IMO. I didn't even let BD talk to boys on the phone until she was 14 or 15 and when I found her myspace page at 16 I deleted it and would not allow her to use the computer for about 6 months. I think I may be a little too old fashoned too but I don't have a boy crazy kid either.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Do you think....
They go to "How to screw with your ex through your child" school? Because everything I keep reading here is so universal.
Peace, love, and red wine
Wow
I know exactly what you are going through. It is my personal belief, knowing that your SD is like mine and the BM's are twins seperated at birth, that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. The BM has had way too much influence for you to try to change that now. That was the most frustrating part for me. My SD(now 18) started having sex when she was 15, though I didn't find out until she was almost 17. I lost my mind about it and DH said "well you had sex early". I hated that line, and what I did has absolutely NOTHING to do with what I want my kids to do. I'm lucky I'm not HIV positive or had a baby very early.
When SD16 was 15, she had sex (while visiting BM) and while BM was in the other room. So, my point is, if you forbid it, she will just do it while with BM. BM's like ours think that sex is a tool to get what they want and it usually works. My BM let her daughters know she was having sex with more than one man at a time and never ever talked to them about safe sex or anything else. SD's like ours are head strong and determined that they will show you who's boss. They feel out of control in their minds so they have to do whatever they can to make themselves feel in control. It sounds like your SD is going to use sex as her method of control. Having the "safe sex" talk with both of my SD's didn't help because they both continued to have sex w/o using condoms.
Maybe it will help with your SD to take her to a shelter or home for teenage mothers. My friend did this with her daughter and it had a profound affect on her, though she was not bipolar. There is a book I read not long ago and it helped me to understand more about her, though it didnt help the situation. I think it was called "the bipolar child". or maybe "raising a bipolar child", good book, but I read it to late in her life to help her.
Plus, I saw on Oprah a few years ago that teenagers or pre teens were having oral sex on buses and in the bathrooms as a game and they didnt consider it real sex.....thank you Bill Clinton for that one! I hope it works out for you, and I know how floored you are, been there, done that......but got ripped off and didnt get the t-shirt!!!
The BM's ARE twins-
With themselves as well. Multiples in fact...as in multiple personalities! I will have to look into that book. Let me know the full title or who wrote it.
Peace, love, and red wine
I have a Simple Solution, that has worked so Far...
I have a Simple Solution, that has worked so Far" If You Come and Tell Me You're Pregnant,or Your Girlfrein is, I'll Kill You DEAD!!!"
This is followed by the I am not denying that I did a lot of STUPID Things as a kid, and I INTEND TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THEM !!!
I lost My Virginity before I turned 14, and had been "Playing Doctor" since I was about 5... I have used this on Both My (B&S)Sons, and My (S)Daughters. We also have "The Third Degree" which ANY Boy/Girl-Freind has to endure, and My Personal Favorite, My Daughters Dates get My "If You Hurt My Daughter, or Do ANYTHING I WON'T APPROVE OF, I HAVE A Horsewhip, a Shovel and a Gun Collection, any Questions? " speech. The Boys also get the "I'll make You a Eunuch if You Live Through the Initial Beating, if I Find Out You Did ANYTHING, to or with an Unwilling, Unsober or Unconcious Girl.
I know that kids are going to do whatever,whenever, however and with Whoever They Want, and there isn't much I can do when They are out of sight, but I have also told Them, and tried to show Them, that I am Here if They Want/Need To Talk, about anything, and it's Strictly Confidential, just between Them and Me, if They ask, and it doesn't Hurt Them or Anyone Else.
OK, now go ahead and start shredding Me, I know it's coming...LOL
Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
Sounds like my hubby.
Our daughter is only five, but he's already got plans to keep a set of cammies, boots and his 782 gear handy to be worn when greeting her dates at the door. I have a feeling that his pistol expert and rifle expert pins will be displayed prominently somewhere, as well.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Oh yeah-
My husband's a former Armour Cavalry Major, with a whole array of sabers. We have them on the wall, though due to our own ignorant children we will have to take all down but the one encased in glass. That one will still be on the wall when SD brings dates over, if in fact she lives to date anyone. As I posted above, more details to follow.
By the way Steve, my H gets a big kick out of your posts!
Peace, love, and red wine
I like your rules Steve
That should do it! I remember ALL my mom told me was, 'don't come home with a baby'. I said, aw, you would love it if I did, and she said No - I am not taking care of it. And for some reason that stuck with me!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
How about a mother..
who told her then 13 year old daughter,if you come live with me, I'll let you do anything and buy you anything you want???? Well, first of all, BM did not have a pot to piss in,nor a window to throw it out, she was (and will always)leach off of anyone stupid enough to let her. My SD fell for this and decided to live with BM at her grandparents (who are no better at the parenting thing either) she let boys spend the night,but would not allow SD go out without her there too, it was not to chaparone, it was to live through her daughter,she acted just like her girlfriend, not her mother, flirting with these boys, buying booze for them and she controlled everyone and thing SD came into contact with,she picked out the boys SD had to date,but did have the sense to put SD on the pill,after a few "hard periods" Please!!! I'm not dumb, this is a very small town,word gets around!! Well,BM soon found a sucker to marry her and she began having weekend all night parties where she supplied the booze, let SD do basically anything she wanted,mainly because SD was bringing the ypung boys around where she would "show them a good time too" I swear I am not making this up, the boys around here talk and it eventually got to my ears that "and I quote' if the girl is busy, her mom will do you! It all came to a head when someone took a photo of BM "going down on a underage boy" and it got into the hands of the school board, where she just happened to be working as a substitute teacher at the High School (perfect place,right?)she got fired and had an "episode" and went into the hospital!!! The parents of the boy did not want him to have to go into a court room and testify, so the school board dropped the whole thing.During all of the "hanging" with the kids, she would give girls in the school advice on how to "please your man to keep him" and after she got caught, she went on to the older college guys trying to get their attention by telling them" If you think my daughter is good in bed, wait til you try me" Now my SD's reputation is crap around here, and the mom is still mentally stunted at the age of 15, going on 46!!!!
It has gotten better, SD has picked a man "all on her own" that she is now living with and has a son with,BM can not stand him,because he told her he did not like her, she would NEVER control him,OR get his money(she expected to live off of him,until he disabused her of that particular fantasy) He calls her everything BUT a human being, and she can't stand the fact that she can't control SD any more.
Anyone out there got a prize like this so called BM, or does she get the blue ribbon that I will happily pin on her fat ass!
hangingin
She sounds
Like a character in a movie. I think I've even seen that type portrayed before. Well...it might have been a horrible movie (hope I don't offend any fans but)the likes you see on the LIFETIME "Network for women."
You know I exist in this really weird space torn between individuality and feminism. I NEVER thought I was a feminist (don't tell the women I work on V-day projects with!) BUT...this sexuality problem might need them to help fix it, you know? Who else is going to get the word out about what stupid culture young girls are becoming obsessed with?
Peace, love, and red wine
organized religion not always bad
Whether you are Hindu, Christian , Jewish, the "religions" teach us, so therefore our children if we share it, that our bodies are created and in a sense holy and how we are to respect that. religion can give a child a security that helps them hold their heads high when others are doubting themselves.
I , like Zenmom have a less than perfect period of my life I felt I had to peel away ,but wanted to insure my children realized what incredible beings they were and according to our religion have an important purpose as each person does.That is good karma!
My sons have been known to literally walk away while others do wrong or to even be an acountability friend and ask the person if they are acting as they should.(This said the little darlings have issues of their own of course) but when it comes to pronography , sex, they tell ME movies are too crude or that they do not believe girls in group are being treated with the respect they deserve etc.
which is next point , religions usually teach us to respect others as well
so whatever the religion of your choice may be, I suggest it be explored.
When is it too late to reach them?
SD was in Catholic school, but DH and BM never practiced as a family, and after the divorce and our marriage DH became totally disengaged with Catholicism. We do go to church, a very small Unitarian one, but SD has no interest now that she is free of the "chains" she felt she had in Catholic school, to pursue religious ed. The nice thing about being UU is that our Sunday school lessons encompass every major religious philosophy, so the kids get a taste of everything, then permission to see what fits them best. My sons are very interested in this process (sometimes more than others) BUT I started taking them there when they were 4 and 7. Big difference from SD now 13 and deciding "I don't believe in anything I can't prove, therefore there is NO God. Anyone who thinks there is a God is just stupid."
Great. Now she has a "Nothing is more important than me in the universe" complex to go along with all her other issues.
I am with you Need2vent. I would love to see SD take part in something bigger than herself. Even in competitive sports, if she doesn't get what she wants or perform well, it's someone else's fault. She only wants to continue with something that's completely natural to her like soccer seems to be. DH keeps enrolling her hoping that the bigger picture of being on a team will do something for her.
Peace, love, and red wine
my girls
As parents, we have told my daughters (12 & 7) that they cannot date until they are married. Then how do we get married they ask? We will pick you a suitable husband. hehe My 12 year old wants a boyfriend but I have heard the drama from her friends and their boyfriends. Its just crazy, 11 & 12 year old with such drama. I tell them all they are too young to date and deal with such grown up things.
My son is 16 and is dating. We have had the talk. He knows that he must be responsible and if he even thinks about having sex, he is to come with me and get comdoms. My son and his friends have come to me more than once asking about sexual terms they did not know. Yes, I set them straight and I reinforce that they are too young for such things and that girls view sex and sexual relations differently than boys.
Yes, BF and I had sex at 15 but that does not mean it is okay for our kids to do the same.
I like that...
I have instilled a strong sense of self in my sons. I didn't get here in time to do that with SD. AND...even if I had, well she's got the whole personality disorder thing going just like BM.
SD will take any dare I'm afraid, if it gets her attention, especially from her peers.
Her behavior is getting increasingly more disturbing.
Peace, love, and red wine
I was brought up in a
pretty much stable environment and the rules my parents made for me, I use for my own kids and my skids. I can remember as a teen, that little thing in the back of my head saying if your mom and dad find out you are dead. I knew it, that's what they taught me. Now of course I did do some idiotic things and whatnot, but that thing in my head reminded me not to disappoint my parents. I think in those cases regardless of bio-parents or step-parents there is no line drawn in the sand. I would definately step up if BM won't. SD is probably imitating what she sees with BM. DH needs to step in and put an end to BM's influence.
My kids biggest cheerleader
I don't think SD cares about getting caught
In her mind she is never at fault, but a victim of circumstance.
See Sex-Am I psychic post. SD is in huge trouble now.
Peace, love, and red wine
my 18 y/o BS
and I have a very good relationship. We have had the sex talk several times.
I am not so naive ya know and how am I to JUDGE too harshly since FH and I pretty much live together.
the only thing I made clear to my BS was that PREGNACY does happen with our without birth control AND if they feel they HAVE to or think they are both ready to be sure to make it special it will be the first time for them both and my first time was horrendous.
he just came to me a couple of days ago and told me that he and his GF ALMOST did it...but he stopped- said all the talks I had with him made a difference. damn I am proud of him...BTW I love his girlfriend she is sweet and so good to him I want it to be special for her too..
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
What an awesome kid
You did a great job Sai. I foresee this ability with my sons. And they just aren't that interested in having a girlfriend. They are more interested in playing/hanging out with their guy friends. I'm sure they are intriqued with girls and all, but just have better things to do still. Thank God. I'm doing something right!
I think the girls in 7th grade see a boyfriend as a status symbol, and also being sexually aggressive as being in control of it and empowered. I went back and re-read that note that SD was writing to a boy in class where she asked him if he was a virgin. He did immediately stop writing her back after saying, "That is for ME to know." I think that SD will use anything to shock people into getting a reaction out of them. The more the reaction the more attracted to whatever got it she becomes.
Peace, love, and red wine
My son is 12 and in 7th
My son is 12 and in 7th grade...I picked him up at school yesterday at dismissal. Holy smokes. Some of those girls are too much! They look like they're about 18 or 20.
SD's friends
All look 13 to me. That's part of why I think they're behaving so stupidly. I remember at the beach this summer SD coming up to me and saying, "Do I look older than I am?" I said, "Ummmm....no." And she said, "Because some guy out in the water was flirting with me."
Well SD (then 12) is only 4'8". She has a muscular build, is dark complected, and in a bikini I suppose she could look....15? But does not act more than say, 9 at times. We had her cousin with us who is 13, but 5'8 and much more curvy. So I think they were thinking her cousin was older so she must be too. But she was really hoping I would say, "Oh yes! If I didn't know you I would think you were 18!"
Nope. Not stroking your ego to think that looking older means anything. Now ACTING older in a positive way is another story. If she did, say act responsible, and helpful, calm at times, then I would have given her ego a stroke by saying, "It must be because you are so responsible, etc" But SD acted like a spoiled brat on vacation, pouting every time she didn't get her way. That really peeved us, but especially DH. Neither of us ever got to go on vacation as a kid- I didn't SEE the ocean in person til I was 20 years old and went myself!)
Peace, love, and red wine
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