Hi guys, I never blog but this is on my mind. We live far from SD because BM was so vindictive DH felt he had to leave town in order to work, she would call his work, come there, etc. they just could not get along at all and she is nuts. So we only get to see SD on her school breaks, we fly her down.
Well each time we have her it ends up costing $1000+. And not to be rude, but it seems like I always end up paying for it or charging it on my credit, because DH's money is always spent before it is earned, on all our bills, child support, etc. At Christmas I pulled one more ticket out of my *ss, but it killed me and I am not going to do it any more, plus I am out of credit and money. We are actually both working second jobs right now, to hold on to everything. So we can't afford to break her at spring break like we normally would.
In case you don't know, me and SD16 had a big blowout around September where we did not speak to them or vice versa for 2+ months, because after she got in trouble and DH stopped paying for her cell phone, she said ugly things about her dad, wouldn't take his calls, hung up on him etc. well I finally had enough and called her a brat, then her mom got in and I finally blew it out with both of them, for treating him bad. She missed one visitation during this time because she would not agree to treat us both with respect 100% of the time, but she seemed to be upset she didn't get to come then, because we always make a big deal over her, etc., everyone here does.
After this blew over, it seems to be better but it did damage my and her relationship, but I am ok with that because it needed to be said. She came at Christmas and all was ok on the surface but I know I felt uncomfortable after all that had been said with her mom, etc., even if it was true, but she was told she is to respect me and her dad period, which I agree with, and she did. She kind of avoids me when they talk on the phone now but whatever, her mom is there I know.
Well now DH has not told her yet she is not coming this time. He keeps putting it off, hoping we can come up with money to bring her but the tickets are already over $500. because of when her break is. I want him to tell her so she can know, we can get her reaction over with, and she can make other plans.
He is embarrassed to say we can't afford it this time. Another part of our big blow out is that her mom asked us to take SD this summer because of problems with her, we get all excited again, then changed her mind and that is the 4th time she has done that to us. Then BM turned it around that we were mad because we had to pay child support, that she was the perfect mom but she figured out if SD was here we would take her to court for support too, goose for gander you know. So she told SD we only wanted her so we would not have to pay child support, which is absolutely not true and I am still pissed although SD has improved her grades, etc., no thanks to her mom I am sure.
But part of me is relieved she can't come, because I think more time needs to pass for me and her to heal for real. We think we can bring her this summer for sure because of the money Dubya is passing out we hope.
I just know her mom will turn it around like we don't want her here, or I don't want her here when that is not true, we just can barely pay our bills at this point and nothing extra. So I feel bad that I am glad we don't have to spend money we don't have this time.
Even when we try to do things cheap, food, gas to drive around to relatives, etc. is so much, DH slips her money or buys her stuff then we can't pay our bills. Things are just so tight right now, am I terrible for being glad we are skipping this time? I am so embarrassed to even talk about this, but we just don't have it and I don't want it misconstrued even though it does help me out. I feel guilty already!
Sorry this is long, but what do you think, thanks, Most Evil
Just tell her the truth
If you truly can't afford to fly her to your house, then just tell her the truth. I mean you have to be able to live and pay your bills too! Your husband needs to let her know that the only issue is money and not her personally. She'll either understand or she won't. It's hard not to feel guilty. I totally get that. But you can't be responsible for everything. Give yourself a break and realize you can't be all things to everyone! And boy do I know how you feel about needing a break. I love my SD, but she hasn't been here in two months now and things have really quieted down! I love the teenager years!
Honestly...
I don't think you should feel guilty. I am sure this is causing a lot of stress. I think that you and your DH should talk to your SD and just explain it to her what has been going on. You never know she might understand. I wish I could give you better advice but I can't, all I could offer is some support. Sorry that you have to go through this and I hope everything works out the way you want it to. *Hugs*
"For the love of herself, she acknowledged her worth."
We just get in the worst messes
That's it, I am afraid she will not understand. And there's nothing we can do, we have already done all we can and are at the end of our rope. Maybe now that she is working too she will understand that money does not come easy.
Also I wish he would go on and tell her. I dread every day her getting excited then being let down. Please say a prayer for us
Thanks for listening!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
it is what it is
it is not your fault that you can not afford to bring her down, I agree with the other post, it is NOT your job to get her down there, that is DH if you were not with him how often would she have been down there anyway>
also I think if you can get a three way call going -tell her staight up what the deal is, she can either choose to understand it or continue to be mad, it is her choice. as for the BM not much you can do about what she will say so no need to spend wasted energy on it ya know??
good luck
we are here for ya!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
That is on DH
To purchase the tickets not you. Funny how us SMs get stuck with what BM's won't do and DH's can't do. That is my main issue with this whole step thing. $1000.00 is a lot of money when you live paycheck to paycheck. I would just be honest and say you can't afford it this year.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
I know it is hard
You will definitely be in my thoughts! It's just so hard to make kids understand about all the factors that play into this. They don't understand how hard it is to make a living and pay bills. And they won't until they're on their own and have to do it themselves. Your husband should tell her sooner rather than later, but it is up to him to do it. Ultimately it is his responsibility to let her know. Just do the best you can. That's all anyone can ask for!
Oh, tell her the truth.
I think your husband should just tell her point blank that he can't afford to fly her out until the summer. Kids, whether they are our stepkids or our bio kids, need to know that money doesn't grow on trees and that we can't just pull the things they want out of our asses. It's hard telling your child, "No, I'm sorry, but I just can't afford it." I know, because I had to tell my kids and skids that a million times when we first got married and went through a rough financial patch. If she can't understand, then she probably has a pretty unhealthy view of her dad as an ATM.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Just be honest
I would expalin it to BM and SD just like you explained it to us. I would let them know that in the past it has been your credit that has brought her to you and let them know you're maxed out. Let them know that your DH's money goes totally towards bills and CS. Let them say what they will behind your back, but at least they'll know the truth.
I wouldn't feel guilty. You're doing all you can!!
The bus?
Not sure how far away you live, but is Greyhound an option?
In all honesty, I don't understand how anyone could afford that many plane trips every year. That's a lot of money for anyone.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
You have to do your part.
You have to do your part. And that is all you can do.
You all tell her the truth and let her know how much you wished things were different right now. But times is-a-tight right now. And that you are doing the best you can.
What she does about it, or what she thinks about it is out of your hands. You've done your part. Let God do the rest.
And why is it that our H's don't want to tell them sooner? If they were the ones on the other side of the story, they would want to know sooner. It is a matter of respect. (my H does this too)
It is normal to feel guilty about it. But you are doing the best you can do. And your heart is in the right place. So take it easy on yourself. And let yourself off the hook.
Remember if things went the way we wanted them to go, we would spell our name G-O-D.
And yeah- that is ALOT of moo-la!!!!!!!!
Take care
Wifi
www.anothermama.com
Thank you my friends
If you know commission only salespeople, who are male, they think if they don't have money to burn that means they are not good salespeople, which means they are not good providers, which means they are not good people or dads. I hate to say it is me doing it because she thinks he is the greatest salesperson ever, so I probably will try to avoid it unless I have to.
Everyone knows the housing market is messed up and that is what DH is in. She does know this too because she and I talked about it. It really is DH who I have had to kick into gear, he just can't believe the gravy train has stalled!
I am glad to get perspective that that is very expensive because I know all who pay for sports, clothes, food for weekly visits, etc. I figured maybe it averaged out? I don't know how much people do or pay or how any of us are living right now. We try to buy airfare way in advance but then sometimes she comes and we have to eat beanie wienies because we are broke. We have driven but then have to pay for hotel etc., it is 10+ hour drive, so it is about the same cost.
But thanks for helping me feel better . . . DH swears he will tell her tomorrow! I guess we just have never had to cancel before, but at least we can also say we are working extra etc. (unlike BM).
All of your kind words and support are helping me, thank you all so very much-!!!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
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