Step Talk

is hard enough, cultivating jealousy will only make it super hard
you truly need to sit down with your DH and explain this, even if you have to write it in a letter, but you can not let this continue!!

it is not fair to any of the kids.

good luck
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

He and I have gone the rounds about this. He knows its a problem. He gets all pissed off about it when it's just he and I talking. He has talked to her in the past but I'm never there. Whatever he has said it doesn't work. She'll try to do things differently for a few weeks and then she reverts right back to the old behavior. I don't think he is capable of doing what he needs to do and since he is gone so much of the time he sees less of the fallout than I do. Also since he's an only child I don't htink he understands how damaging sibling rivalry can be. He thinks that his mom loves all the kids equally, and that makes it easier for him to deal with. I just don't know how to let him know so that he'll really understand how bad this is going to be for our kids, including Amy. I don't want the other kids to hate her being here. I don't need that kidn of drama.

she doesnt get to see any of them??

it is your family and you have to deal with the fall out then stop all contact.
It is tough love but you seem to have to do something tough to keep your family together.
I understand the damage done by sibling rivalry so I worked really really hard with my two sons to keep it from happening.
the best that can happen is you keep them away from her.

IMHO

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

but my daughter isn't "blood" but fiancee's parents do the same crap...they favor FSS in front of my daughter..this issue came up in therpay a couple days ago and therapist said fiancee needs to stick up for my daughter and I or there is going to be alot of tension from now on..I don't even go over there anymore with my daughter, she won't go over there with my fiancee because I won't subject her to that crap..FSS almost turns into a bully when he's over there and starts sh*t with my daughter, so when she sticks up for herself SHE gets into trouble...my family treats FSS the same as their grandchildren, I don't see why anyone else can't do the same...I would go with what Sai said..maybe she doesn't need to see any grandchildren at all until she can treat them all equally...I know, it's hard But if it keeps up this way the other children will become resentful and there will always be tension...I've always told fiancee how I feel about things and he sometimes gets defensive but I don't let up until he does something about it..I do my part to make things better for everyone else...everyone else needs to do their part...

Ok guys lets be fair. There are a lot of you who posted on this site that they simply can't love their Skid. Some of you admitted that it wasn't the kids fault but just that you don't feel the same for this child as you do your own. Some of you dread the visitation. That doesn't make you a bad SM that makes you human.

Now put yourself in the role of a Grandmother. Your son or daughter marries someone who has children. That doesn't make the gparent automatically have to turn on a switch and love these new kids like you do your own Gkid. You guys don't expect the same for your skids so why do you expect this from your family. I know in my case I would have a hard time not showing favoritsm. I am crazy about my Gkids and I would hope I would in time feel differently but you can't make someone love your kids.

Now I would try to keep things equal as possible. But if the step Gkids are obnoxious and ungrateful sorry I would do a damn thing for them. I had a SD from a previous marriage who never thanked my parents for gifts. she would just whine and cry that my kids got more from them forgetting she has her own set of grandparents on her mothers side who didnt do a thing for my kids. Her christmas and birthdays were filled with much more than my own children ever recieved. My parents got sick of her ungratefulness it and stopped the gift giving and I can't blame them. My own kids would be treated the same. No gifts for ungrateful brats....period.

Now with that said how would standing up to MIL help the situation. If my son came to me and demanding I love his Skids as I do my own I would look at him like he is nuts! Can he honestly stand there and demand for me to feel something I don't feel?

In laws are human too. You can't expect any more from them then you can feel yourself! That is a unreasonable demand.

"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"

Let me also tell you about my mother who has two biological grandchildren: my DD and a 2 y.o. granddaughter. My DD was first and my mother quite clearly showers her with more but the tides are a changing as my niece gets older. It's not that my mom doesn't love the younger as much, it's just that she's been with my DD longer - 12 years longer to be exact.

Could time be the issue with your MIL? If not, take a timeout from the situation. Maybe she just isn't willing to warm up to any grandchildren other than the SD and if that's the case, you really can't force it upon her no matter how hurtful it is to you, your husband, and the child(ren). All the best to you!

All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!

But I'm also confused. Is she the biological grandmother to all the kids, or just to SD? If so, then you explain it to your children by telling them that MIL is SD's grandmother, but not their grandmother, just like you are their mother, but not SD's mother.

Like Cruella says, you can't just make someone love your kids or treat them a certain way. If she's not their grandmother (biologically) and doesn't have the same history with them that SD has, then she's obviously not going to have the same kind of relationship with them that she has with SD. As for jealousy and flaunting, I think you have to deal with behavior issues as they arise, but I don't think you should begrudge SD her relationship with her grandmother. I also don't think I would pit my husband against his mother over something that she may not be able to help. I mean, she can control the amount of money she spends, but she cannot control the amount of feeling in her heart. You just can't tell another adult how to act and expect them to do what you say just because you say so.

You know, my mother doesn't do jack for my stepchildren, who would be her step-grandchildren. However, she treats my stepsister's children (also her step-grandchildren) as if they were her own grandchildren. No, I don't think it's fair at all. Actually, I think it kind of sucks. But... I know that she has more of a relationship and more of a history with my stepsister's kids than she does with my stepkids, so I try to make allowances for that.

If your MIL actually IS your children's biological grandmother and she is favoring one over the others, then you've definitely got a point. Unfortunately, you still can't make her do what you want. You can only decide how you will handle it when she does these things.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

To clear it up, she is the bio grandma to all the kids. And there is only a space of 2 1/2 years between sd and my oldest. I have three, four with my stepdaughter.

I would ask her how she would feel if you treated the other three better than the SD. She may very well overcompensate for the SD thinking she must feel left out of the family, that she gets less attn because she isn't your BD. I would write the letter and assure her that you are very much a good parent to SD and that none the less, please show the favortisim without the other kids around.
I am lucky in thast I LOVE my inlaws! All of them. THey live out of state but u wouldn't know my kids are her SGKids. They all get treated the same. (And there are 3 extra now)
I will sat that the four that live with us got a little more at Christmas from both sides because they live here but the two that don't didn't know that, it was done when they weren't here. (My mom bought all four new bedroom comforters and sheets) My DS (actually ss) is treated exactly as the others and he actually asks to go to nanna's more than mine do! HE loves them as they love him.
Hang in there, when our children hurt, our heart truly breaks.

I think my MIL knows I treat my stepdaughter very well. My stepdaughter is like my little shadow when she's here, and I do everything I can for her to make her feel like she's part of our family. And my stepdaughter lives a very charmed life with her mom. Sd has everything a child could want and has 2 sets of parents that dote on her. If my MIL thinks that my SD doesn't get enough love and attention, then she must have a mental illness of some kind.

Unfortunately, I thikn this all comes to the fact that she doesn't like me. She wanted my husband to stay with his ex. She elevated his social status (this is very important to her). I did not. I was his marriage for love. She was his marriage for social prestige and making his parents happy. I know that sounds crazy, but it's basically the way it is.

When DH and I got married, my MIL told me flat out that she didnt' want us to have any children. And while I believe she does love my kids, I don't think she can separate me from them and that affects how she treats them. She desperately wanted my sd, and focused her entire life around her after she was born. She woudl have been completely happy without us adding any children to her life.

And a lot of the problem is that she does indulge sd behind our backs. But sd tells the other kids. She'll call and say, "Guess what Grandma gave me yesterday?" Stuff like that. And sd is the only one who gets time alone with grandma. My MIL asks her over for sleepovers all the time, but not my kids.

I know I can't change the way my MIL acts. But how do I deal with this for my children's sake? How can I get my sd to stop lording it over the other kids and how do I help my own children cope with their feelings of inadequacey? I don't want my chidlren to develop a resentment of their sister, but I thikn that is what is going to happen.

Girl. My grandmother had 6 boys.
It might be also the fact my nan was closer to my mum rather than my step-mum but you could tell I was her favourite. In fact my grandad was the same. Well more for me than my half-brothers and looking back I think it was not fair on them. They are their blood aswell and if it was the case of my step-brother they never really bothered with him. But my half-brother was their grandchildren just like me its does hurt now to know that. Even though I was the favourite and it was same last year october as my and my half-brother now 18 went to visit my grandad in hospital. He was dying and my half-brother was going away to china and we both went together. I felt sad for my half-brother as I always saw my grandad but he never really saw him much. He was really young when he last saw him aswell. Then when my grandad was talking to my brother you could see he was happy and the last thing he said was he was glad he saw all of us now. The minute my half-brother flew out to china my grandad passed away.

For me I alway saw them but remember my half-brother and grandad conversation really upset me. As my half-brother said to me that its a shame that had to have a good conversation like that now he is dying. Then again my grandad was never close to my father or to anyone. My nan was just all for girls but because she didn't like my step-mum much maybe thats why she never saw my half-brother that much.

Its not fair but maybe your dp should talk to his mother. As they won't be around for ever. You kids need to have a relationship with them.
Like when I was child I've got memories of being at my nan and grandad house but my half-brothers wont have that memories as he hardly saw them. My dad never really took them and yes my nan did they give them money but it was never the same. Its more to do with the fact she never had a daughter and thought of me as a daughter.

grandchild. I was the eldest grandaughter and only one for awhile until my two uncles had girls which are younger than me. My dads eldest brother who sadly past away did have a dd who he didn't know about until maybe a couple of years before he died. That was sad knowing that really.

I think its because she maybe liked your dp ex more. I know that was the case with my mother. In fact all my dads site mostly preferred my mum to my step-mum. Think thats why my step-mum was so jealous she couldn't take my mums place at all.

the grandmother is an adult she should be told what damage she is doing! I was a child that was not the favorite and I can not even begin to say how it affected my life.
She does not have to love them all equally but she should have the good sense to treat them equally.
for me there is NO excuse for showing favoritism as blantant as she is.
sorry this is a pet peeve!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I found out this summer that my FMIL was a step mom and that it wasn't easy for her. Her husband's ex was literally schizophrenic and that made it really hard, especially with one SD.

So when her son had marital problems and I was in the picture, she was very empathetic. I do not have any children of my own but I am certain, given her past experience that she would not favor my FH's son over any of mine. She did not favor her sons over any of her step children and vice versa for her husband.

Age doesn't necessarily bring wisdom, but experience does.

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I could literally write pages of examples of her blatant favoritism over the past years. I think it is a combination of things. I think it is because first and foremost she was livid with my husband for divorcing his ex, especially with a baby on the way. I think she associated me with the last bit of hope she could have for her son to reunite with his ex. Then I think the fact that she waited so long for a grandchild (my husband was nearly 40 when sd was born) and then as soon as she got excited about it, she found out that he was leaving her. Ex wife pulled the classic, "I'll get pregnant so he won't leave me" move. It didn't work out so well for anyone.

But that's where it got started. I think deep down she resents my children for taking the entire spotlight off my sd. I believe she is resentful that now my sd isn't the total object of all of my husband's time, money, and interest. And I don't think she's honest with herself to the point where she can acknowledge what she's doing, even privately. She always feigns innocence whenever this subject is brought up. The bad thing is, not only do we see it, but everyone who knows her is seeing it. They're just too chicken to say anything to her.

It is such a tiresome subject. I wish we could move away from her so bad.

I don't care if a child is a step grand child or not! Nobody is trying to force feelings. As an adult you have to know that actions have consequences I think that you in a step parent or step grandparent role you have to keep feelings hidden for the sake of the kids. It isn't their fault and shouldn't feel left out. Favor away privately!

In yours as well as mine.....bio or not....you have to stand up.if you put it out there in a nice way to make sure it isn't an attack maybe they will get it better.
I was lucky. My DH cut them off for his kids. Hard choices though but just because its right doesn't always make it easy.

I do agree with you all.

Hope its sorted out soon.

But I had this same issue with my ex mil. Turns out once the "unfavored kids" get older and refuse to go to grannies house Granny suddenly realizes what she has done to the relationship with the other ones, and desperately wants the other ones to come over without the "favored child". Unfortunetly that pisses off the "favored child" and makes her dislike Granny, and the other kids are like "too little too late" So she will end up punishing herself.

Of course thats not really a consolation when your children are being hurt by someone who should protect them from being hurt.

It also hurts the "favored child" in a way because she would always come back with this bossy "i am the queen attitude" from Grannies and boy was she in trouble over and over for about a week before it wore off.

I ended up simply talking to her and telling her the bad affects it was having on my "favored one", and also informed her that the other two have stated they do not like going over to her hosue and this is why.

She woke up, but like I said it was really too late.

was somewhat the same. And (surprise surprise) my own parents are like this. My Paternal Grandmother favoured my cousins over me. Her younger son was the apple of her eye and therefore, his children were better than her older son's children (me and my sister). She often took them to amusement parks while when we came she just had us scrubbing her floors and picking gooseberries and currants. She even told us that she liked her younger son's family better and this was while WE were caring for her in her old age; her younger son's family refused to help out with all sorts of excuses. So as a friend I once had said that love is a triangle of sorts. It's either love or be loved. You can kiss arse all day and get kicked in the face for it while the same arse you're kissing is kissing someone else's!!

Then my mother revealed that she liked my sister better than me b/c she reminded her of HER baby sister I can't imagine telling my children this! I have also been "bumped" when visiting my parents by their friends, some of which are MY age!!!! I call them my parent's surrogate children or the kids they WISHED they had. I can't think of why. I was a model child so I"m told; i never did ANYTHING to test the waters and almost always obeyed them 99% of the time! My sister was the rebellious one and got away with it too!

Now neither my sister nor my parents talk to me or have anything to do with me. My BF likes to blame it on my "joan crawford" style of parenting. . WTF???!! They were MY parents not the other way around.