sorry haven't posted in a while--busy with work and school. this is a long one though.
anyways, so the latest is that BM hates the fact that SS8 is involved with wrestling. He has only been doing this for about a month now. He likes it, is doing well and it gives him something physical to do during the week and on the weekend instead of watching TV and playing video games. BTW-I am a big supporter of wrestling--my brothers were involved in this.
BM refuses to allow SS8 to go to practice when he is at her house. Even though it is usually about an hour and he will be home before 8p with plenty of time to shower before bedtime. SS8's bestfriend's father has the little boy call each week to offer to take him there and bring him back b/c his kids wrestle too. SS8 always replies that he can't go and on one occassion BM lied and told SS8 that it was cancelled b/c of the weather.
She maintains that she gives him the option to go but he is "torn" b/c he also wants to stay home and play guitar hero. She has stated that if he "promised" to come home and take a shower afterwards w/o a fuss and has good behavior he can go. Are you kidding me? What 8 yr will promise to be good and follow rules? You give him a consequence if his behavior is poor and deal with it.
She has maintained that she is now having behavioral problems with SS8 b/c of wrestling. He is more aggressive at home and is tired because of wrestling practice. The kid goes once a week. He is not at her house until two days after that..but he is still so tired from wrestling? Give me a break. She says that is too much for him to do right now with all that is going on such as....school, being in daycare afterwards and soccer that happens in the late spring/summer. How does that make sense? She is also not going to punish him for his acting out behavior b/c he is simply so tired from this activity that it is affecting his daily functions.
My opinion, he is acting out there because he can and she allows it. She continues to make excuses for his behavior and it is always b/c he is too tired. He is 8 yrs. old. He knows when he is doing something wrong. He is not an infant who cannot communicate his needs. We don't excuse his behavior when he is at our home even if he is tired. He goes to his room then or is not able to do the things he likes to do. Seems pretty simple to me.
Recently, SS8 got in trouble for teasing a kid at school. This only adds fuel to argument against wrestling for BM. It is all b/c of wrestling. Well..news flash! He got in trouble for this same stuff last year...when he was not in this activity. In fact ever since I met him almost three years ago he has been a brat at times and I thought he was kind of spoiled. If he doesn't get his own way he would throw a fit--just like others kids. He picked on his sister and would hit her when upset.
Maybe all of this is a result of a divorced environment or simply part of his age right now? How come BM can't possibly think that? Almost two years ago, she and her new husband were fighting in the home and the kids were exposed to this--could that have an affect? Oh, no...that would mean she was at fault.
I think he should continue to do this activity b/c he likes it. It helps teach him focus and teaches him about good sportsmanship. He is learning to lose gracefully...which is something he needs to learn.
When BM was having problems in her new marriage this carried over in his teeball activity. She was coming to games without new husband or being really tense when they were there together. She discouraged him from finishing out that season and then didn't encourage him to play in the last game or go to the celebration afterwards.
But, she spins it a different way. SS8 made the choice not to go. Well, if you shit all over what he does, of course he is not going to want to do it. Why do you think he is "torn" about supposedly "choosing" to go to practice at her home? He doesn't have a choice, he doesn't want mom to be upset and knows she doesn't like it.
It's the same thing with SD5's activity on days at our house-girl scouts. BM won't let her go b/c it is a waste of time and inconveinent with her own schedule. Twice a month she has to write a note to let SD5 ride a different bus to go...and that's it. What an inconveinence! She has to pick her up down the street from BM home...what a far drive! And, BTW...she thinks it is unorganized and questions the credentials of the leader...she has been involved in this nationally recognized association since she was 5. She is trained and knowledgeable about the activites they do.
Bm would rather have SD5 wait at the daycare for mom to pick her up when school ends (about an 1-1/2 hrs) then have her be involved in an afterschool activity once a week during the same time. What a shame.
BTW- BM is always right, she a teacher and knows all about children's behavior and needs...please, I think she is freakin' nutbag.
Your BM and my BM must be sisters.
I have a SD (12) special needs and is currently at about a 3 or 4 year old level. I enrolled her in special needs basketball, taekwon do, summer sports camps, etc. all special needs that will focus on the needs of each child, costing me several hundred dollars. BM pulled her out because it wasn't on her schedule or that she didn't think these programs were good for her. In my opinion she pulled her out because it wasn't her idea. These women call themselves mothers.. what a disgrace to our fellow mothers and women.
Powerstruggling BM's
The worst of their kind.
Could you maybe inquire as to what extra-curricular activities BM wants the kids to be in? It sounds to me like the SS just needs SOME kind of hobby. If she thinks wrestling is not beneficial (even though we know it's because it's YOUR idea), than is there a different idea? Sit SS down and ask him what HE wants to do. Shouldn't he have a say in all of this?
All 5 of our kids are in baseball/softball and soccer. My skids BM hates sports. She hates that the girls are in softball because she knows that I encourage it. DH compromised and let BM sign the girls up for guitar, clarinet and art lessons because it's what BM wants to encourage (that and the time commitment is less). Maybe like our situation, you could meet somewhere in the middle. Since he likes guitar hero so much, could he take real guitar lessons?
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I agree
She can't see past US. Since she did not introduce these things and b/c it requires to put some effort on her part, it is a waste of time and causes problems. She will never see that she is hurting her kids. This would require her to have some understanding about the needs of her children...and she can't see past her own needs.
Sorry to hear about your BM too. They do not know what it means to be a mother and probably never will.
colorado girl.
You read BM's mind (scary, j.k.). She is going to sign him up for guitar lessons this summer but that would mean he would have to quit something. That is just how it is with her. I think it is perfectly okay to have a guitar lesson once a week and practice too. We would not discourage this. He doesn't need to unwind during the week everyday by playing video games and watching TV. You think a teacher would agree too?
She won't quit with this wrestling thing until she makes him hate it or somehow sabotages it. It is all about competition with her. She is the one who knows best what her kids like, need and want. Our decisions are harmful and not what the kids want. Funny, I think she doesn't know what the kids want...I think they do what she wants them to do to please her and not be in trouble. She wants carbon copies of her 'perfect'self instead of children with their own personalities, goals, dreams, likes, etc.
Maybe?
DH could take SS to all wrestling practices and she could do all guitar lessons?
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
good idea...but,
BM is a control freak. She would not allow it. Again she would bring up how SS8 needs to promise this, that and the other in order to go or make-up some excuse why he can't....oh, it will all be valid of course. Plus, BM will probably not let us know anything about where and when lessons are going to be at unless she expects FH to pay 1/2.
The first year I was with FH, BM signed SD5 (at the time 3)up for dance during the summer. She signed her up during the day, when DH was working, and did not tell him anything other than she has dance. He never saw any of her classes or was able to take her.
Unfortunately, it is all about the games with her.
thanks for the help
I am not trying to put down your ideas either. They make sense to a rational, intelligent person. But, unfortunately, BM is not that type of person. She is not willing to compromise or make any changes if she doesn't have to. Like she has stated before (during her lengthy e-mails), she is the mom and has the right to know exactly where her kids or what they are doing on a daily basis even when they are not with her.
She will contine to play her passive agressive games with the kids and FH. It's all about the drama too! The only way she backs off is when FH refuses to argue about things and ignores her complaints. If he sends her a response questioning her beliefs, ideas she goes into crazy mode and accuses him of being a bad parent. She is the martyr and sacrifices for her kids...like I said crazy.
I completely understand...
my skids BM is perfectly capable of being unreasonable. She's one of those people who has to learn everything the hard way. Like the situation you're in....trying to explain to her why these activities are so important and such a great tool to help with these children's development. I think sometimes they don't realize what the heck they are even arguing about....they just think if DH and SM are encouraging it - they're not going to.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
God I hate Martyrs
Our BM is the queen of them. Both boys signed up for baseball this year. God help us because just having the older one in it takes up half the summer, so two of tem is going to suck big time. I suggested to DH that we switch off kids that way we are only going to two practices/games a week. Oh no she plans on going all 4 nights and actually hopes they are not on the same night.
I HATE little league because of her already, each season is worse than the last & I am NOT spending 4 nights a week with that bitch! I have to rush home from work & make sure homework is done, they eat & are dressed in their uniform. That was only two nights, now it will be 4. Tell me again why she gets child support?
DH told her that he is only committing to two nights a week. Thank God as I want our son to have a life & it is NOT going to be being drug to his big brothers game & playing in the dirt. ( We have just describe SS7 existance up until this point) EVERYTHIng revolves around SS10 for BM. Well that will not apply to my son.
Sorry I got a little out of control but this is huge for me.
Didn't mean to sound anti activity
I know that it is important for the kids, but the way it ends up is that we get to have no life and what we have we have to spend with her. I ended up with preclampsia from sitting outside in the heat for baseball and having the baby 3 weeks early. I had BM's good buddy coach wellfare mom almost knock me over on the ground once. When SS10 played football it was 3 nights a week plus Saturdays & rather than let SS7 stay at our house during practice she drug him with & had him sit in the cold & the rain many nights. ( after I fed them & made sure homework was done)
Sorry, I have lots of resentment about this subject.
I can't tell...
Why do you have to go? I only go to my skids' games once in a while.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I go for several reasons...
If I didn't I would not get to see my DH in the evenings. He is uncomfortable there by himself as well. He is a very shy person by nature and the parents are very clickish in this league.( He tends to be more comfortable & self confident when I am with him, all part of his illness & childhood abuse) Plus BM was the assistant coach with the woman who almost knocked me over last year. Her buddies act like I am the other woman, which I was not. We met after the divorce was final.
I also go so that SS10 knows I support him and so that someone cares for ss7. The game I went to were it was so hot his mother didn't bother to bring anything for him to drink or an umbrella to keep the sun off him. I am the one who makes sure that he stays hydrated & gets treats. I feel bad for him because the world revolves around his brother & he gets the short end.
This year will be different though because of the baby. He can't be out in the rain or heat and won't be. His well being comes first for me. DH has also said that he has 3 sons not just two in sports and that he will not do the 4 nights because that is not fair to the baby or me & he wants to be home with us doing fun things like going for walks or bike rides.
Besides when do these people mow their lawns or clean their homes?
wrestling is great
My now 16 year old son wrestled for 7th and 8th grade and I wish he would have kept it up. I was afraid he would get hurt at first - being that I am his only active parent but it was really good for him. He gained some wonderful friends and had to keep his grades up to participate and that was the best part. He got a lot of exercise and yes, he was tired so what - he went to bed much easier and slept great. My daughters and I went to almost all of his meets and it was a nice family activity. I had to work very hard not to embarass him with my mom type comments. I worried about my baby boy. Who is now several inches taller than me and out weighs me by about 30 pounds.
Bottom line - sports are good for kids. Especially with all the indoor, sit down stuff kids are into these days - TV, movies, video games, internet, etc.
Its a bummer that BM is so difficult. Don't make a big deal out of him not going to practice. If the coaches are aware of the situation, they will probably be helpful. Hopefully, SS will keep it up and when he is older, practice will be required and BM may have no choice but to let him go, if SS wants to wrestle that much.
Another reason we have custody
BM agreed SD could be in basketball (the only girls sport at her then Catholic school) then claimed she couldn't find the practices, took her out to dinner or to a movie instead until SD "decided" to drop out because she wasn't as good as the other students who had been practicing 2 or 3 times a week.
BM's who don't support sports just end up shooting themselves in the foot when there is a custody case. We weren't trying to monopolize BM's time with SD, we only signed up for one sport.
Interestingly, now we have SD in soccer (nice because it's year round in our area) and BM gives no hassle at all. I think she likes that it occupies SD's time since BM usually lets SD go to friend's houses for sleepovers every weekend night she's supposed to be there. Most of which are in our neighborhood. I think that's ridiculous, but oh well. Hang in there with the sports stuff. If she keeps ditching things he wants to do, and you guys keep offering him opportunities, then SS will get it one day.
Peace, love, and red wine
wrestling vs. sugar?
Okay so FH sent e-mail to psycho questioning why she has such a problem w/wrestling and defending the benefit of SS8 being involved in a physical activity instead of watching t.v. and playing video games. Her response:
"SS8 doesn't get enough "down time", he is very cranky and tends to act out. It is a reaction to stress. What do you do at the end of a long day. You flip on the t.v. and veg out. He should be allowed time to just do nothing even if that includes an hour of t.v. or video games..."
"I just don't think wrestling brings out the best in him. It's like feeding a kid a bunch of sugar and then punishing them for being hyper."
Ummm....how does that fit at all? He is 8 years old, he is not a 2yr old. He acts out because he is not getting his own way, etc. Yeah, tiredness can play a role but practice once a week does not cause this for the entire week. She needs to stop making excuses for his behavior. She only feeds into this behavior by not disciplining him b/c he's "so tired". That's bull.
According to BM, SD5 doesn't listen, follow directions, etc. and BM thinks she's ADHD and wanted to get her medicated last year (at 4). SS8 doesn't listen, acts "cranky", misbehaves and it's because he's tired from wrestling, not getting enough sleep at our house and he's sheets are not clean, etc. etc. (she has mentioned this several times).
I honestly cannot believe she is a teacher. What test did she pass on child development and behaviors?
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