Step Talk

thats heartbreaking...what's the big issue with writing him letters? these women are friggin nuts...

Sorry Cactus I imagine that must have hurt Its hard to keep trying when you keep getting hit harder everytime.

Catch xx
*The Real Catch 22*

Cactus does she have permenent custody or just until you and DH come home? I think that was a stupid thing BM just made the kids do. That is not right to teach a child to be so disrespectful. Your DH hopefully will come down BM's throat. I am so sorry I know that hurts but hang on because you have to know this is not the skids doing this. This is BM.

Keep that letter for documentation purposes.

"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"

Nice way to treat someone who is serving our country...NOT!!! Sorry you have to deal with this.

I would still write anyway! And in your letter you can say, "Please tell your mom people do get letters from people who are not their mom, all the time. I am over here protecting you, her and the American people from the real-life forces of evil and she should not make you write mean things to me while I am doing it."!!

The nerve of her! I would definitely write that and let her explain that!

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Of a horrible letter BM dictated to DH when they were married to send to his parents. I won't go into that one. I think SS was told to write that exact thing.

Keep writing those letters Cactus. Fill them up with how much you miss him. I think BM is forcing him to write those back to you, because she doesn't want to read them. Obviously he didn't write "I don't want you to write me letters." I would keep his too. One day he might want to know what crap his mom pulled.

Peace, love, and red wine

Cactus..
I would keep that letter.. your going to need if you have to go back to court when you and your dh get home. I would make a photo copy of the letter and send it to your dh.. so he has an idea of what you are up against and how his expectations of you calling and getting rejections all the time is NOT realistic.

I would also write a letter to that B i t c h and tell her that she is WELCOME that you are serving your country so that people LIKE HER can do and say as they please.. so that she is allowed rights as a woman... and that her children can grow in a safe and fair society. That your job is hard enough as it is, without her directing her children to be mean, hurtful and RUDE to their stepmother who is sacraficing a lot for them and their country. I would cc your husband on that one, and your lawyer.

Tell me where she lives.. I would love to pay her a visit. My dh is in the military, and if his ex EVER had her children do something like that to him I would LOSE IT!

I know it doesn't make it any less of a blow to know those aren't his feelings. It's just a bunch of BS dictated by his mother. (Whom, by the way, if I could reach right now, I would personally bitchslap into next week for you.) If you ever felt like you needed permission to stop thinking about the crap with BM and the boys while you're gone, I think you have it now. You can't do much from where you are, except call and write letters. It's pretty sad that this woman is teaching her children to be so nasty, but really, it's up to your DH to undo this wrong. He's their father as much as she's their mother, it's HIS duty to make sure they understand it's okay to love and be loved by more people that just your mother. This whole split loyalties thing is, I think, one of the biggest problems children of divorce face. Whether or not you keep writing is up to you. If you don't think you want to deal with the rejection, then don't feel like you have to keep it up. Deal with it when you get home. If your DH doesn't get that, then deal with HIM when you get home, too.

I'm just so sorry. I never, ever heard a thing from my stepkids when their dad would deploy. I know it's a different situation, but the feelings of rejection are similar. Once he got home and we had the kids for visits again, it was fine, no more rejection. The boys are limited by their mother right now. In the end, patience and continuity will determine how the boys feel about you, not their mother. They are at her mercy now, but won't always be, and someday they will see what's what for themselves.

Hang in there and be safe.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

The more it burns me up! You know, she could easily have written to you herself and asked you to stop writing the boys. She could have requested that your DH ask you to stop writing. She could even have taken your letters out of the mail and tossed them instead of giving them to the boys. She couldn't stopped the letters a hundred different ways, but she chose to make her son write this letter?! What does that tell you? She used her own child to kick you when you're down, which tells me any love she may have for her children is totally dwarfed by the animosity she feels towards you. That's just wrong.

I would write him back and say, "Honey, I'm sure you misunderstood your mother. You may not be my son, but you are still a member of my family and I love you. I write letters to lots of people who aren't my son... I write to my husband, my mother, my sister, my friends, etc. Just because you are not my son doesn't mean I can't love you and write to you. I'm sure your mother didn't mean to say such an ugly thing."

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Save that letter for court. It shows alienation of parental affection. Didn't I read that you had custody of the kids before you were deployed? Even if it isn't that, you can show the boys one day how much you loved them, and by all means continue to write them, but that it was their mother would didn't want to accept you that caused this.
Is there another way you can get them letters? Could you call the school, explain to them the situation, have the kids in to the counselor, and see if you can deliver their weekly letters there.
If I can think of anything else I will let you know.

Georgia, your advice is awsome!

Hubby and I have a similiar issue. His ex wife promised their son a $6000 trip to Austria and told him "dad" would foot half the bill for it (never talked to him about it ever.) When my husband said there was no possible way he could come up with an extra $3k in the 1.5 months, his son got all &^$#@!(& with him via email and basically told him if he wasn't going to give him the cash--don't bother to write him.

OMG I was so mad when I read this, and hurt for you. Why are people so cruel? I just don't get it. Even as much as I despise BM, I would never have a child write a letter like that to her. This woman is crazy, seriously. I would write him letters and send them to someone you trust to give them to him. My 7 y/o bs would not understand why someone was making him write that, so I doubt he understands, and even if he does, I can't imagine how crushed he must feel. I wouldn't even acknowledge that you received such a horrible letter and keep loving him, he obviously needs a level headed person to love him. His BM clearly doesn't love the child, if she did, she would never have him write such a cruel letter. I agree with the other posters, I would let DH know and I would save it for court. Make sure DH knows how hurt you are. Not long after my parents divorced (when I was 9) my BM made me write a letter to my dad stating I wasn't his daughter anymore and I didn't love him etc, very hurtful things. I then refused to see him for a few years after that. He fought for me to visit, but back then they didn't seem to put such an emphasis on the child as they do now....it was all geared toward the BM and what she wanted. I always remembered that and have spoken with my dad about it and he does not hold anything against me, of course. He realizes it was my BM's fault. As a result, my mom and I dont have a very good relationship today. I am very close to my dad, though. I sure hope you can make it thru this, and just remember he loves you and he didnt write that letter....fight for him! HUGS!!!!

My thoughts echo many typed here. I think I'd keep writing him. He made it clear that those were not his thoughts.

You need to do whatever is Right for You...whether that's keep writing to the kids,directly, send letters through other people, write them and just save them to give them when You get home,etc.

That BM, and I use the abbreviation NOT meaining Bio Mother, but Bitch Malignincy, is So Screwed in It's head(This prove that It's Sub-Human) and Plain WRONG...

You have a Lot of People Who Care and Appreciate You, DO NOT ALLOW IT to bring You down. We are All Here For You !

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We miss Our Freedom...LOL

What a self serving little snatch of a BM.

I agree with Georgia, I think BM needs a phone call from DH stating that she needs to grow up. DH can explain to BM that no one is trying to "replace" her as their mother, you just want to write flippin' letters to your step kids and call them every once in a while. We all want to hear a familiar voice when we are away from home. There is no malicious intent in your actions, so she needs to stop interpretating them any other way.

You have every right to write those little guys. So I also think that you should keep writing your little buddies. I like Georgia's idea of including in your letter that a person can send a letter to whomever they want....your sister, your cousin, your brother, your aunt and YES even your skids. Don't let her take that away from you.

I'm sorry that your life is surrounded by all the evil forces in the world - professionally and personally.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Thanks for your sympathy everyone but I got so fired up (after a huge sappy moment) that I called DH and he said he would deal with her. He is very supportive most of the time.
He said she felt like I was intruding on her attempt to rebuild her relationship with her son. He said "get over it" and that is not the case at all. But then she said "what are you going to do about it? Nothing. You can't. We are thousands of miles apart and the kids will be in my custody by the time you get back."
You have to laugh. This sounds like a really corny Scooby Doo Cartoon. "I would have got away with it if it weren't for that meddling Stepmother!"
Now I know DH is pretty smart about legal matters and the military. I know you can't finalize a divorce (or is it just file for one?) if the spouse is deployed but what about custody? I mean, we aren't there so how can she have a court make a turnaround decision without us being there to defend ourselves?
Yes, we had full custody before we deployed. She has them through our choice. SS6 had some serious anger issues and going to stay with BM for a year seemed like the best decision at the time. Damn it.
It really has been good for him in the end. It's SS8 that it hasn't been so good for.
You guys say that BM made him write this but he is almost 9 years old. Surely he has the ability to decide what is hurtful etc?

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

The more people who love my kids the better as far as I am concerned. I will never, no matter how much I hate my SS BM, I would never do that to her. I have the same feelings for my EH and no matter what I am nice to him. NO MATTER WHAT and that can be super hard.

As far as I know, the courts will not change custody while you are deployed but I also think that varies from state to state to some degree.

I would keep writing to your skids. Kids love mail no matter who its from.

Stay safe and come home soon.