ItAlmostWorked's picture

On being evil~

If I knew I was to be portrayed as the evil stepmother no matter how hard I tried to be nice, I would have started out being very concrete in my expectations and very vocal when SD tried dissing me and the way I run my life. I would have squashed her BS right from the start or I would not have gone down this road.

She is the princess, my DH feels I am at fault, although he gives lip service to her "misperceptions" of me. And for now I am stuck here-majorly sucks.

To all potential future steps-embrace the evilness from the start or DO NOT BECOME A STEP, you will regret it with every fiber of your being.

AllDoneStepping's picture

AMEN to the like button! I

AMEN to the like button! I wish I could have a do-over - but there aren't any. DH (soon to be EX dh) never stood up for me or insisted that his nasty kids give me any respect - and I didn't either and I should have.

How SAD is it - that here I am getting a divorce and I am MORE HAPPY about the fact that I will no longer be a step mother than I am sad about the loss of the marriage? OMG...I'm not going to be a step mother anymore!!!! Forget the "divorce party" - I think I'll have a "not a sm anymore party".

imjustthemaid's picture

I tell everyone to run like

I tell everyone to run like hell!!! Don't get involved with someone with kids!!!

I am also an evil stepmother. I did so much in the beginning and still earned the title. Now I do nothing. Hell if you are gonna portray me that way then I might as well live up to it. And I don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore, even DH. Sick of being a doormat to everyone.

teristepmom's picture

I can't tell you how many

I can't tell you how many friends I have literally sat down with a glass of wine and told them the blunt truth about how what it is like to be a step-parent and what it will be like living with a guilty daddy even when the skids are not in residence. NOT ONE has listened but they ALL say they now wish they had. I can't blame them though. I did not have anyone warn me but if I had I am 100% certain that I would have dismissed them as bitter and angry and convinced myself that *I* would have a totally different experience because OUR LOVE IS DESTINY and therefore immune to any and all petty problems!

Kind of makes me want to go back in time and kick the living shit out of myself.... anybody got a time machine handy? Sticking out tongue

imjustthemaid's picture

Oh if I had a time machine I

Oh if I had a time machine I would go back in time and everytime SD made a remark like "My daddy still loves my mommy" I would put exlax in her dinner!!! I was too nice to that evil kid and now she thinks she can walk all over me!! Evil twit!!

AllDoneStepping's picture

I give you credit for trying

I give you credit for trying to warn your friends. My poor mother tried to warn me. "Honey, are you SURE you want to marry a man with two teenage sons who has been married THREE times before?" Oh yeah...I was young and in love...

and within one year my life became a total living hell.

dtzyblnd's picture

I went in knowing.....im an

I went in knowing.....im an sd. I figured it would be the same. A few years of skid manipulating etc.....but never thought that DH would side with kid. My mom never did. Her and Dad were a united front. How blind i was lol

****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!

AllDoneStepping's picture

united front? there's a

united front? there's a concept you could hit my dh upside the head with and he still wouldn't recognize it.

StepAside's picture

I'm with you!!! My DH was

I'm with you!!! My DH was the first guy I ever dated who had kids. I, like you, thought I knew the ins and outs of blended families. Like HELL!! If I had ever intentionally caused my SM the hell my SD's have caused me, she would have kicked my ass or died trying. My relationship with my SM has never been perfect, but I absolutely never came after her with the malice that my SD's have had. I never imagined it would be like that.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

UTOBMOM's picture

Yep, exactly! Things were

Yep, exactly! Things were great from our wedding in November until New Years Eve . . . then it was like a light switch got flipped!

UTOBMOM

Boudicca's picture

I don't know about the "like"

I don't know about the "like" button. I wish there was a "back" button - we would wear our fingers down pressing it!!

kamy325's picture

My own stepmom and I have a

My own stepmom and I have a wonderful relationship and we laugh all the time about how we are members of the evil stepmother's club. What stepkids need to realize is that they have some responsibility for the relationship too. So I can be a best friend or a worst enemy...but currently ...my ss has gotten me to the place where I just don't give a damn anymore. I tried but he chose to act ungrateful rude and obnoxious. he constantly wants to know what my husband and I are doing and is inappropriate in his curiosity. Frankly it's creepy and unwelcome. So I just ignore it and try to live my own life. I LIKE this much better than worrying about it. Oh and most men are not savvy and have divorce guilt so you can't count on their dumb asses. Ladies...save yourselves! If the skid doesn't respect you then he/she does not deserve your time or attention!

StepAside's picture

"What stepkids need to

"What stepkids need to realize is that they have some responsibility for the relationship too."

Applause!! All my DH's family has ever done is point the finger at me. Not one word of remorse, ever. In fact, the closest thing any of them have said about their behavior toward me for years is that I deserved every bit of it.

I don't give a damn anymore either. Thank God I finally got there. I look back at the person I used to be, who just wanted so much for us all to be a big happy family. What planet was I on? I spent so many years thinking we'd all find peace with each other some day and move past all the hate. Like hell. Took me way too long to figure out that I can't control their hate. I can't change it. The article someone posted about Relational Aggression really helped me too. Yeah, groups of haters DO bond when going after a target. Stepmothers make GREAT targets!!!

"If the skid doesn't respect you then he/she does not deserve your time or attention!"

Ain't that the truth? Ultimately, you get what you give. To me, that holds true for everybody. My OSD30 told my husband last year that I cut his balls off and he has allowed it. Man, wasn't that icing on the cake? After nearly 20 years of putting up with her hatred, she thinks I'm still supposed to be sucking hind tit when it comes to her and her family? Truth time... I'm more than a zit on my husband's ass. Apparently she never got the memo. To her, it looks like I cut my husband's balls off. To me, it looks like he grew a pair. I'm his WIFE of nearly 20 years and the MOTHER to his children. I'm not the disposable trash she has always considered me to be.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

saffron5567's picture

Ditto here. Wish when that

Ditto here.
Wish when that little bitch was screaming at me from the backseat of the car that I had fought back...just once. I foolishly thought I was taking the higher ground and her Daddy would put her in her place. Ha! All my silence did was give her more power and make me hate him a little bit.
SD26 has more control now, three years later, so I'll probably never be more justified than I was right then to give it to her good. So many times I wish I could have that moment back -- things might have taken a different course with him and her if I had stood up for myself.

StepAside's picture

Triple ditto here. I never

Triple ditto here. I never thought I'd regret not taking lessons from my own SM, but she dealt with me directly from the moment she married my father. What she did to me was abuse, flat out. I was determined to do the opposite when I decided to marry a man with kids. So I zipped my lips, determined to win their hearts with my doormat approach. Ha, ha, and ha.

I remember the first time I ever crossed my OSD. She was 11. In typical Disneylike visitation, my DH and I were mere entertainment guides. We had taken the SD's to see a movie, and then to an arcade afterward. When they had spent all the cash we had on us, DH said it was time to go. OSD didn't want to go and was pitching a fit from the time he said we were leaving, all the way to the car and in the car as we were driving away. I, Suzy-Sweet-Stepmother, turned around to the backseat and said, "OSD, your dad said it's time to go." If looks could laser beams, I would have been a pile of ash that second. Did I say anything? Hell no.

That was just the beginning. Later, I'd see them for a week at a time and they would not one would utter a single word to me. I have so much regret for allowing this. My DH made excuses for them. They were just products of divorce, had issues, were really sweet, and they fed him reasons for hating me all day long. And he bought into them all day long. If I had to do it all over again, not only would I call out that elephant in the room, I would pull a Tazmanian Devil and spin through my own house until the foundation shook.

My advice for all stepmothers would be to lose the hope that her stepkids will ever accept her, and to always make limitations on their behavior her priority. No human should ever be treated by children with such disrespect. And parents who allow that bullshit or even promote it, suck as parents. I would never raise my children to be haters. If my own acted with as much malice as my SD's showed me, they'd be in therapy.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

Poodle's picture

That last point about therapy

That last point about therapy is spot on.

It's nothing personal.

ItAlmostWorked's picture

OMG, Saffron , as I was

OMG, Saffron , as I was reading your post and you mentioned 3 years had passed, I found myself expecting you to say SD13, as in she was around 10 yrs. old when she was screaming at you from the backseat. I think I just guessed her developmental age!!

saffron5567's picture

Ha, ha! Yea, I know. She's

Ha, ha! Yea, I know. She's like a woman/girl.

The weird thing is she acts totally like a 10-13-year-old half the time, sitting on "daddy's" lap, calling him several times a day, taking money from him, asking to borrow his car. The other half of the time, she's telling me how she won't eat beef -- only buffalo because it's SOOOO much better for her, even if it is really expensive; and she told off the professor because that stupid cow didn't know a THING about her subject matter; oh, and I really should reconsider my opinion on the death penalty because...

I just want to ask her, like, um, do you EVER act age appropriate? She's either treating me like a child or acting half her age. Very, very bizarre.

But whatever. I too have Walter Mitty dreams of SD26 marrying a man with one single little girl she believes will someday love her when the kid gets to know her!

forgotten wife's picture

here's what i hold on to: my

here's what i hold on to: my sd22 will probably marry a man with children!! blahahahahahahha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CazzM's picture

I only found this forum today

I only found this forum today and it feels like I've found home! Looking forward to reading the forums and advice.
Forgotten Wife, your comment is so my dream - I Hope one day my SD marries a man with teenage girls!

StepAside's picture

I can't imagine the SD's who

I can't imagine the SD's who are described here ever sticking around for long if they had stepchildren of any age. They seem so skilled at doing what is best for them. Being center focus is what they expect. Having their husband's entire family treat her like gutter trash is not something I see many of them putting up with.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

Poodle's picture

I second that.

I second that.

It's nothing personal.