shmily12's picture

Can't stand my 11yr SD ways

I need some input on this please:

Does she necessarily have to sleep with the door open or cracked open at night after her father puts her to bed?

I also dislike and can't seem to understand why my (SO)always states when he is getting ready to put his daughter to bed. In my understanding you cannot put a 11 yr to bed, you put a baby or toddler to bed after you feed them, or had fallen asleep, or after you burp them, etc... however,you can tuck in your 11 yr old, etc. But this one right here.....God please forgive me, she is always so extra, demanding, complicated and seeks mad attention from her daddy each time she comes over! Can't stand it!

My SO always acts like a child himself whenever my SD comes over during the weekend, where he forgets his duties as a parent.He does everyting for her; from serving her food, doing her laundry, play with her non stop, and not giving her any chores or responsabilities around the house. Is this fair or normal? or am i simply going nuts?!?!

Oh yeah, and not to mention, she is so pickey on food without having any valid reasons, until she sees her father and i enjoying it then she wants to change her mind and wants it as well. I.E: she says that she doesn't like cheese in her sandwich, but eats mac n' cheese, pizza, lasagna etc. she says that she can't brush her teeth in the morning when she wakes up because the taste of tooth paste still remains in her mouth and wouldn't be able to enjoy her breakfast, so therefore she has to brush after. just to name a few.....


clenettec's picture

Great! Thank you for giving

Great! Thank you for giving me a glimpse into the future of what I have to look forward to when my SD turns 11 (she is five now). Well, I have finally decided (against every fiber of my being) to back off. I have no input whatsoever when it comes to my SD. When my DH talks about her or ask what I think, my response is, "Whatever you decide." I am tired of trying to co parent and being thrown under the bus, disrespected, and being made the bad guy. So now I am completely hands off. All I do is fix her a plate to eat when its time to eat - THAT'S ALL, NOTHING ELSE. I don't do her hair. I don't pick out clothes. I don't correct her if she is misbehaving. I don't initiate any conversation with her. I don't prepare her bath. I don't buy gifts. I DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I know this may sound harsh but after a year and a half of trying to co parent with no success or adequate support from DH - this is my position. So this is my advice to you.

shmily12's picture

Wow.. i hear you on that one

Wow.. i hear you on that one and completely agree with you too! Even though my some of my family and friends had told me to do the same thing as what you are doing, it is hard at times to stay mute or don't do anything. My SD, takes advantage of the situation and does everthing on purpose just to get on my nerves and knowing that i can't stand it. But sometime i do believe that we have to put them on their right place and let them know who is in control around the house and not them... I let it go only to a certain point. Put sometime i put my foot down, give a wake call to my DH and ask him to fix the situation...

thank u again for your input, i'll definitely will keep this piece of advice into consideration.

Say less and do more!

jojo68's picture

I feel for you...my SD11 is

I feel for you...my SD11 is the same way except that she lives with us full time. She's overbearing, immature and has absolutely no respect for anyone or anything. She is so entitled that it is beyond the realm of my comprehension. DH and MIL think she is just being a little girl who just loves her daddy... Puzzled

"Never allow someone to be your priority when you are only their option"

clenettec's picture

OMG - I despise that comment

OMG - I despise that comment 'she just loves her daddy'. This is the excuse my DH gives all the time for SD behavior. Please, nobody loves their daddy that much. Its an excuse. Like many others have said - THERE NEEDS TO BE A BALANCE!

jojo68's picture

I agree...it is all part of

I agree...it is all part of the manipulation. I am amazed at how manipulative a child her age can be. My DH does not discipline this child and neither does MIL. They just let her do whatever she wants...she steals and lies and no one thinks anything about it Jawdropping! She has told them that she doesn't want to go to school anymore and they aren't concerned in the least...SD has no boundaries...no structure...no rules...no responsibilities. She doesn't treat me bad but she acts like I am more the housekeeper than her father's wife. I disengaged a while back and it is better this way. I tried so hard in the past to be a part of her life but she knows that I am not the tools that MIL and DH are so she doesn't want any type of friend-like relationship with me. I think we both miss out because of it Sad

"Never allow someone to be your priority when you are only their option"

clenettec's picture

I'm with you on this. I am in

I'm with you on this. I am in the exact same boat as you. I, too, have disengaged and I like it better this way. But just like you said, we miss out because of it. I have told DH that no one can change the dynamics between me and SD but him. So until he gets it, I'm out of it. No sense in beating a dead horse if you know what I mean.

shmily12's picture

Need i say more? I completely

Need i say more? I completely agree BOUNDERIES!!!!

Say less and do more!

shmily12's picture

OMG! That's the same way over

OMG! That's the same way over here. My DH thinks that she is simply a lil' girl and should let her be. But she is so manipulative, greedy, lazy, annoying, extra, extra, and extra! and i can't stand her behavior. DH, spoils her by: putting her to bed! making her plate for lunch or dinner, wash her clothes, picks and irons her clothes, constantly reminds her when is time for her to shower or just shower. She is almost 12, and bout to become a young lady, and she can't even tell her bra or pantties size, have common sense, can't sleep with the door closed at night,properly keep up with her hygine etc... I can't stand her nasty, stinky, spoil, little self. She Doesn't even know how to properly clean behind herself! urgh!!!!

Say less and do more!

shmily12's picture

thank you for your input in

thank you for your input in this matter, i completely respect your opinion on this... although, as far as the brushing teeth part i've mentioned earlier it is whenever she wakes up in the morning til' the point that she just forgets to wash them completely... and just go on for the day. and when you ask her she lies that she did or brush them for less then 20 sec, but still leaving some tooth paste residue on her toothbrush...this is just one of the million things that she may do wrong, or that she lacks on. i'm just done voicing my opinion on anything and everything that she may do wrong, as i always appear to be the bad guy here...

Say less and do more!

Disneyfan's picture

Most of this sounds like

Most of this sounds like normal stuff to me.

My sister is the same way about cheese. She will be 43 on Friday. You can't pay her to eat cheese on a sandwich but she loves baked mac&cheese, pasta and cheese and pizza. The only way she will eat an egg is boiled ~just the whites,never the yolks. She has been this way all her life.

I think it's nasty to eat breakfast before brushing your teeth. However, I've learned that many people brush after breakfast. They say toothpaste make the OJ taste awful.

As long as her teeth get brushed, don't worry about her being a before or after person.

shmily12's picture

Thank you for your post! But

Thank you for your post! But i think what ppl can't seem to understand is that this girl, just say things just because for no valid reasons. I respect ppl's allergies, or pickyness on certain things/foods. However, When someone says i can't eat this or that, they are at least able to give you the reasoning for their choices. But this particular lil' girl simply likes the attention just to make ppl feel uncomfortable or get on their nerves and so ppl can band fwd to all her needs. Not on my watch kido! Here is a perfect example of what i mean by this.

Sceneraio#1: just the other day when DH and i both decided that we all go out to eat as a family. Tell me why i suggested it....but anyway, The waiter comes and asks my DH what he would like to drink before we order our meal, and my DH said root beer. SD jumps to conclusion w/o the waiter not even having the chance to ask her yet and tells the waiter that she wants root beer too. Then the waiter finally asked me what i wanted to drink, and i requested a strawberry lemonade so SD changes her mind again and swtiches her drink order to mine.

Scenerio 2: Then I was the only one who happened to order a small appetizer before our meal comes. I ordered tortilla chips, with guacomole mixed with corn, black beans, garnished with parsley. I respectfully offered and shared my appetizered to my DH and SD that they could help themselves if they would like. SD so quick to say that she did not like or eat avoccado. So DH told her too bad because him and i are about to enjoy it. So we begin to eat. So after awhile i assumed SD couldn't stand the fact that my DH and i were enjoying something together while nobody was paying her any attention, so she asked her father if she could at least eat the tortillas, he said yes! Then it went from asking to eat the tortillas to asking if she could try the guaccemole. I saw what she was doing and i was really upset, So i intervened and reminded her what she had told us at the table that she did not like avoccadoes or guaccemoles. Long story short, she end up eating the guaccemole and finishing up all my appetizer like no ones business with her mouth wide open,and demainding for some more.... That was so rude, and speeking of table manners OH MY!

Say less and do more!

shmily12's picture

At Blue belle: you stated

At Blue belle: you stated that “She was invited and she refused. Then, because she is a kid, and she sees that everyone else likes this, she wants to try it. This does not constitute she's doing it because no one is paying her attention. Presumably normal conversation is going on.”

I believe that it was kind of me to offer to the table (DH as well as SD) to please help themselves on my share of appetizers as I was sharing with the entire table w/o excluding anyone. So therefore, w/o me knowing her likes or dislikes at that moment I still encouraged her to have some of the tortillas and guacamole. Once again, because she was so quick to give an answer w/o trying or thinking , that she doesn’t eat that “. Just so people know that she doesn’t like something that she doesn’t even know why or simply make a point that she is different than everybody else. And she also constantly does it for most of the things that I cook, buy, or offer. She mainly follows what DH does, if DH doesn’t like it or simply choose not to eat it than she doesn’t want it either and it becomes an excuse. This was simply to prove a point. She loves the attention and being difficult and I will not beg her to eat something that she choose to be picky on w/o even trying it especially if someone had offer it to her out of kindness. If she would have had it in the past or simply tempt to taste it first before being so quick to jump into conclusions than it would have been a different story….

“It is you that has issues. That was jealous, petty and small to get upset about and then be sure to remind her she doesn't x or y? You need to grow up some”

Sorry that you feel that way, but when a child like SD trying to be difficult or simply bring that types of attention, I will call her up on it so he/she can realize what they were doing.. Trust me and believe when I tell you that I know this kid from the start, and know what is yet to come from her. It was simply unnecessary for her to make such comment before giving it a try then turn around and finish the platter by asking more to DH as the main entrée was still yet to come… Not my place to discipline the child. DH should teach her good manners and appreciations before acting this way when going out with people. Can you imagine what if we were invited at someone’s place and she behave as such?

Say less and do more!

shmily12's picture

yes and no! Yes i do admitt

yes and no! Yes i do admitt that i am not familiar of a nnormal behavior for a kid of her age. No i am not jealous of DH attention towards her. It is simply anoying to me for her to do all that unecessary attention at the table regularly. I believe that It is simply over done. I too was daddy's little girl once, until he past away 5 years ago. My father loved me so much and dearly where he expressed it to me and we spent lots of time togehter as well. But one thing my father also always thought me, was to be kind, appreciative, and respectful to others no matter what. Especially when you're invited somewhere or when someone offers you something. Saying yes please, no thank you,etc. Are simply good manners and proper ettiquettes parents do teach their children growing up. I always learned not to be self centered, and be mindful of others opinions and or gestures of gratitude and appreciation.

Say less and do more!

Ce_Anx's picture

I personally think you are

I personally think you are nit-picking for the sake of nit-picking. Are you seriously this petty over the actions of this girl. She is a girl - she's 11 years old, not 18.

Here are my responses:

"Does she necessarily have to sleep with the door open or cracked open at night after her father puts her to bed?"

Yes, sometimes they do. Living in different households and different environments can make them scared or uncomfortable. An open door is a comfort knowing that help and support is nearby, thus making it more comfortable to go to sleep.
I'm somewhat afraid of the dark, don't like sleeping in foreign places, and don't like closets being left open - and I'm 35.

"In my understanding you cannot put a 11 yr to bed, you put a baby or toddler to bed after you feed them, or had fallen asleep, or after you burp them, etc... however,you can tuck in your 11 yr old, etc. But this one right here.....God please forgive me, she is always so extra, demanding, complicated and seeks mad attention from her daddy each time she comes over! Can't stand it!"

Firstly, when I put my 10 year old step son to bed, I have a chat with him, pat his back, tell him about the exciting things that may happen tomorrow, tell him that I care about him, and give him a kiss on the head and tidy his bedding. This is called bonding. This also shows him that I care about him and value him. I also believe I will be doing this even as he approaches teen-hood.
Secondly, if she doesn't live with you guys and sees her Dad on and off, then what is wrong with her being demanding of his time? He's her Dad. Wanting him to put her to bed and spend some extra, mad attention from him in these few minutes is important in a family relationship - especially for kids!

"My SO always acts like a child himself whenever my SD comes over during the weekend, where he forgets his duties as a parent.He does everyting for her; from serving her food, doing her laundry, play with her non stop, and not giving her any chores or responsabilities around the house. Is this fair or normal? or am i simply going nuts?!?!"

I am 35 and my Dad stills does elements of this. He missed out on alot of time with me and my sister because my Mum was a selfish woman and denied him his rights to his children.
My Dad did so much for us in such a short time that he had available with us - why not stop your chores to spend time with the ones that you love? Life is short, and kids grow up so quickly.

"Oh yeah, and not to mention, she is so pickey on food without having any valid reasons, until she sees her father and i enjoying it then she wants to change her mind and wants it as well. I.E: she says that she doesn't like cheese in her sandwich, but eats mac n' cheese, pizza, lasagna etc."

My 10 year old SS doesn't like his food mixed in together. His veges and meat and what have you cannot be touching or they become 'tainted' and inedible. But he eats pizza, marinated chicken, and pasta - and often we sneak stuff in that we know he wouldn't eat if he knew it were in there, we just have to be careful with how we answer when he asks what is in it. Usually he is quite picky if he doesn't like what he sees, but just in the last month or so he has been trying a little bit of food here and there and has discovered that he likes it.
So, kids are fussy, and don't like change, and at this age are looking to be more in control of what they do and what they eat - and now starting to challenge themselves. At least she tries it when you and hubby are enjoying it. What are you complaining for? Offer her more variety, and show her how delicious food can be!

"she says that she can't brush her teeth in the morning when she wakes up because the taste of tooth paste still remains in her mouth and wouldn't be able to enjoy her breakfast, so therefore she has to brush after."
Me neither! Thank goodness someone else feels the same way as me - wait... does that mean there is something wrong with me?
Who brushes their teeth before breakfast???

Honestly, you sound jealous and you need to take a step back and accept that your hubby has a daughter that he loves, and allow them to have time together. How is she harming you with her actions? I can't see it. What is wrong with her behaviour? I can't see it.
All I can see is someone nit-picking at petty things to have an excuse for their feelings.

And I know this, because I often find myself doing the same as you. At least I admit it and am aware of it and try my best to change it. I even tell my partner occasionally, and we talk it through. Nothing wrong with having feelings, or being jealous - it's just how you deal with it that becomes an issue.

shmily12's picture

Lillyflowers, you have just

Lillyflowers, you have just said it just like it is... thank God for someone seeing into my perspective of view. Don't give me wrong there is nothing wrong with spending time with your child at any of those times.That is not my issue...IDK if its Bed time, lunch time, or whatever times. Its not what you do with the child it is how you do it with them. There are just certain things that are too much or requiring. DH and i both come from a christain family, and fear is not something that we tolerate in our lives we overcome it. (God gave us a spirit of faith and courage not fear). All i am saying is,all i want is for DH to realize the things that SD is lacking in her stage of life, and reasure her that there is nothing to fear while she is here with us in our home and help her to overcome her fears. But instead he babysit SD11 to bed and encourage her to leave the door open..So when is she going to grow out of this, and who will teach her this?

Say less and do more!

shmily12's picture

At Ce_Anx: I appreciate your

At Ce_Anx: I appreciate your time and consideration to read my post and share your personal opinions with me and respect your thoughts in my matters. However, I am sorry that you feel the way you do towards my venting/ Step parenting issues. As far as I’m concern, everyone on this cite share a common purpose. The ability to vent, share stories that are affecting our lives or adjustments as a 1st time step parent, or step parenting issues, or simply seeking a space to freely vent about our problems and other things that are bothering us… I am not perfect, nor experienced in this area, so that is why I come here to vent or seek for some kind of encouragement and advice in order to obtain a better step parenting life or learn from other step parents here. And since we don’t know each other let us please be respectful to one another and respect other people opinions, and situations as all conversations posted on this forum are sensitive topics. So I respectfully ask you to please don’t judge me as you don’t know me and as I haven’t judged you! I welcome you in any of my thread topics at anytime, but if you are going to comment at any of my postings, please give me a constructive criticism that will help me overcome my situation.

My responses to your comments: “I personally think you are nit-picking for the sake of nit-picking. Are you seriously this petty over the actions of this girl. She is a girl - she's 11 years old, not 18.”

I hope that you have read my story along with other people’s responses/ feedbacks before you responded to mines. As you can see I am not the only person feeling the way I do as others find it insane. Yea she may be 11 and my nieces are 5,7,8 have no problem sleeping w the lights off and door closed or cracked open until they fall asleep. SD11 may be 11 but likes to act half her age. And you can on some previous posts, someone had mentioned that he/she has a 6 yr old that has no problem with that and does many more things on her own. And not to mention, kids only act the way you treat them. I remember when I was 8 I use to take of my lil’ brother and sister when did everything myself. My parents always promoted responsibilities and independence growing up while we were also blessed with everything. SD11 has been coming to our home for the weekend for over 5 years, and nothing has change or is new to her. She knows when she comes over DH house that is her home as well not a strange house. She knows where everything else is, and has no problem to make herself at home.

Say less and do more!

Ce_Anx's picture

And as for your last post - I

And as for your last post - I rest my case.

I see nothing wrong with her wanting to experiment with her choices and learning about eating out and ettiquette - especially in the safety of encouraging parents who can guide her choices.

Except I see nothing wrong with her changing her mind and wanting to try new things! OR you being surprised when she wanted to eat some tortillas because she was unsure of the guacamole!
I'm guessing if there was a food shortage, you'd be the one stuffing your face with food and she'd be the one wondering if it tasted nice - but missing out because she wasn't sure if she could eat it.

I'd be encouraging her to make her own choices, and feeling flattered that she trusts you enough to use you guys as a guide in making those choices. It sounds like she actually relies on your behaviours to gain the courage to make her own choices.

shmily12's picture

I think you're right, i do

I think you're right, i do feel left out and slided at times to the point that i do feel like DH doesn't create any bounderies or put a stop on her with her ways . But i will try my best to not to sweat to the small stuff and save my energy i'm so done trying,.. Thanks for your input!

Say less and do more!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

shmily,I understand how you

shmily,I understand how you feel, but if you could manage to not too much to focus on what she is doing wrong in every aspect, then that would be helping yourself in this difficult situation.
I feel often the same with SD7 , but I caught myself many times being a bit too critical.I have three kids myself though which helps a bit to understand what is normal and what is not.No child can be perfect - and we are not perfect either.
I try to look at every situation as neutral as possible which is hard if you have a mini-wife SD with a guilty dadddy at home.I also intend to get quite emotional and upset.I would carefully assess your feelings that come up when SD annoys you again and try to evaluate if SO or SD really are doing wrong of if you are maybe a bit too sensitive.In the case SO acts silly- and I agree, the "putting to bed" thing IS really ridiculous, you may want to prepare yourself to have a calm talk to him.My SO was "settling the babby"at night-and 'bathing her"(7 years old!!) until recently ....made me wanna puke, so I get how you feel.
Be aware though that if you critizise him non-stop he may not listen to you after a while and gets defensive and protective for his poor child.So select those things that are upsetting you the most and also educate yourself about step families-since many of your feelings and what you experience are totally normal.
Let us know how you go and you are totally not the bad guy!!!

I had enough and I finally quit.But I am still here.Love my step talk sisters.

igiveup2's picture

I think maybe you have a few

I think maybe you have a few legitimate complaints but you have to remember this child is just 11. You are in a good position to be able to form a bond with her because she is still young. As for her sleeping with the door cracked I don't like sleeping in total darkness and i'm grown. Overlook it i don't think she's doing it to be mean maaybe she is just scared. I don't like cheese on my sandwiches but i like mac and cheese. See? Not everything she does is aimed at making you angry. Why don't you try and start a tradition maybe by going in at night to say good night and chat a few minutes. Or maybe if you like to read Pick out a book together and read a chapter a night. I wish my SD was that young when we married cause i have 3 boys and i always wanted a girl to do girl stuff with. Try and not focus too much on some of these things.