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Growing concern with wife more that SD.

overthemoon's picture

Submitted by overthemoon on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 8:48am

This is my first blog. I am impressed by the honest open forum and obviously seek some input or I wouldn't have created an account. I met my now wife when my SD was 9 mos old. I am the only father she has known as she is now 9years. She also does not know I am not BF. We have a son5 and my wife is pregnant. The problem to this would be perfect life is my wifes over compensating and spoiling of my SD. Over the past year she has grown very defensive of her. If I have anything even remotely stern to say or any type of corrective actions for my SD she is immediately defended openly by her mother. Now I am not a strict father and our household is far from regimented but we have always kept the children on regular schedules for eating and bed time. That also has gone downhill as lately anything SD doesn't like she doesn't have to eat. My wife is up from the dinner table to whip up something. My SD sees the issue as well and of course can't help but to play on it. Not sure what has changed but it has created some friction and when I try to speak of it I got a very strong push back so left it be. Lastly I have to say that I see the relationship between my wife and our BS5 not as intimate as it once was. She has openly chose the SD over the BS on numerous occasions that has caused him some distress and confusion. Any ideas what might be transpiring???

Comments

magnummom's picture

Submitted by magnummom on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 9:57am

Are you sure this is about anything other than you? Are you maybe paying more attention to how she treats SD because she isn't your bio child? If she were pampering BS this way would you be upset?

Just making sure it's about SD and not your own worries.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 10:18am

I dont know the answer here because you are the oddity I think because you have had SD since basically birth and she does not know you any differently then her father. But I think you have more going on here. Relationships between Mom's and daughters are different and grow differently. Then she is also the only daughter and first born which complicates this, as well as Mom trying to over compensate for the new baby on the way. I think you should let this play out and see how Mom handles this down the road. I dont know that this is a "step child" issue.

What I do want to say is please do not wait to long to tell SD you are not her biological daughter. My husband is adopted and everyone knew except him in the family for 45 years. It has been a devastating discovery that it was hidden from him. The adoption part he can handle, the fact that he knew the whole time and so did everyone else but neglected to tell him is where is has lost trust in his immediate family. just alittle insight

forestfairy's picture

Submitted by forestfairy on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 11:54am

I would be willing to bet money that your wife is concerned (probably even more so since pregnant) that you treat SD a little different because she's not your biological child. Even if you don't and treat them all the same, it's probably lurking in the back of her mind and therefore she's unconsciously sticking up for her and defending her.

I can sort of see her side of things. We all know that people usually feel differently about their bio kids from step kids, even if they really love their stepkids. If I were in your wife's shoes I could see being concerned that your non-biological child would be treated a little differently.

My advice would first be examine your own feelings and actions and see if you really are treating them differently. I would then go to your wife and tell her you notice she is doing this, and you are concerned about all the children being treated equally, and ask her if she is worried you might be treating SD differently and is overcompensating for that...also reassure that you love all the children the same, blah blah, and that her showing special treatment or spoiling SD is going to eventually cause resentment with the other kids and problems between them.

Also...obviously this is your guys' choice, but I always think lying to children about their biological parents is a BAD idea. They ALWAYS find out eventually, and it's usually when they are adults and are enraged that they've been lied to their entire lives. You and your wife could damage any future relationship you have with your SD by lying to her now. That's just my opinion though...

overthemoon's picture

Submitted by overthemoon on Sat, 03/31/2012 - 1:20am

I have read all the comments objectively and one point that came to me is the fact that my wife must be feeling that my treatment of SD is different from BS. This is admitted but not for any other reason, in my eyes, than the age difference. My SD is 9, but hasn't reached puberty and our BS is 5 in 2 weeks time. To me this is normal that there are different expectations from a 9 vs 5 year old but I think she has recognizing it as something different. I plan to re-check my parenting towards 9 year oll girls, which I admit I have no real clue about like most men, to ensure my expectations are realistic and start to seek more guidance in this dept from my wife. I will turn this into a gender issue rather than look at it from BF or not BF perspective. My concern now becomes not if we should be telling my SD that I am not BF but when we tell her.