i hope someone out there can give me some advice. i am a step mom to a 12 year old SS. I have a 10 month old daughter with my DH. his son has never lived with him but visits every second weekend. my problem is that the dad has so much guilt about his son that when his son visits, there are no rules in the house ie. bedtime hours, personal hygiene, responsibilities like clearing dishes, cleaning up, etc. this bothers me because i (the stepmom) am trying to make a nice home for everyone. i feel i am expected to take care of this boy when he visits but yet when i try to lay down some simple rules or expectations for my SS i am critized and judged as being 'mean to him.' let me assure you: i am NOT mean to this child. in fact, i genuinely like him. but he is very used to being catered to by his dad and his grandma (dad's mother). both his father and his grandmother feel that he (SS) has it so hard over at his mother's house. they feel that he is mistreated by his bio mom and ignored by his step dad (bio mom got remarried and had two more chldren with new husband.) so, in compensation for this 'imaginary abuse' they cater to this child. then, i step in. with rules and expectations. ie. wash your hands, put your dishes in the dishwasher, don't waste food, no cookies in your room at midnight, no internet surfing in the middle of the night and stop pretending like your 10 month old half-sister isn't in the room. my DH and i had a huge fight last night an he accused me of 'not liking' his son. this hurts and i am at my wit's end.
SS is also announcing that he plans to come live with us this fall when he turns 13. he is under the impression that life will be so much better with us. and why wouldn't he think that? when he's with us, he can do pretty much whatever he wants. he likes the arrangement because at home with his bio mom and step dad, he has chores, he has responsibilities and homework, etc. at our house, no one asks him about his homework, he has no repsonsibilities and he can sit on the computer for 12 hours in his room and his dad is ok with it. i am so upset this morning as i am not sure what will happen to us all when he moves in. his dad doesn't back me up and in fact, views me as picking on his son. btw, many people in the family have been accused of picking on this boy. dad and grandma have laid the groundwork for a 'victim' by coddling this child. and this is because they feel bad for him because he's 'caught' between two households: his mothers' and ours. i say enough is enough. this child is not abused at home (his mother is a policewoman and iknow she loves her boy and is doing her best to make sure he has structure in HER household), he has all the material clothes and expensive video games he coudl ask for, he has more choices at 12 years old than i did at 20.
i feel i am up against the dad and the grandma here and i am losing at a losing battle. any advice would be appreciated. should i back off? when he moves in with us, how do i properly raise my little girl in the same environment where another child is getting away with whatever he wants? help!
We are soon likely to be facing this in reverse
We won full custody last year because BM has a mental problem and would not collaborate on decisions with SD, and was verbally (sometimes borderline physically) abusive to SD (13). BM also would bribe SD to "choose" the school BM wanted her to go to, or quit a sport- taking her shopping or to a movie instead of practice. At the time SD knew BM was screwed up and asked to live with us full time.
SD's child psychologist warned us that BM's disneyworld would increase when she felt she no longer had to parent SD at all. She can now suggest things that SD should do, then we are the bad parents for saying no. OR we say no to something and BM provides it. There are no rules at BM's house. SD is on the computer over there 12 hours a day, dictates the junk food her mom buys her every week, never asks to go to parties or events on BM's weekend, instead SD calls BM several times a week to INFORM BM of SD's agenda on her weekend there!
So now, SD is so angry about having to ask us for permission, or for a favorite hair product, newest trend in clothes, or to go to a basketball game, party etc, that she is throwing temper tantrums here. (See my post, "You're not my Mom You can't tell me what to do."
I think it is only a matter of time before she realizes her mom doesn't give a shit what she does and will try to go where the freedom is. The good news is that BM has never wanted her full time, and often makes other plans and can't take her during scheduled visitation, so we're pretty sure that BM won't agree even if SD says she wants to live there.
I asked another friend/neighbor of mine about Disneyland as she just got her 13 yr old daughter back full time (she and her ex worked out custody congenially all along) and she is having a tough time, as she puts it, "Going from buddy mom to parent mom." She told me, "I can kind of understand about not wanting to be more than a really good friend to my daughter when I saw her so rarely. I missed her so that I didn't want to spend our time fighting about rules. I didn't do anything extreme to go against what her dad was doing, but I did plan fun things and try to engage her in talking about whatever interested her."
Kind of reminds me of an Aunt/neice relationship you know?
Anyway, that may be what's plaguing your H. And your SS does think, "Hey- it's so much more relaxed over here." As I hear SD say, "I can be myself at my mom's and here you expect me to be somebody else!"
Yep. A responsible and caring young lady!
Peace, love, and red wine
I think we are ALL dealing with this problem
on an ongoing basis. My three skids 11, 9 and 5 are at least 2 years developmentally behind (I was doing some research) And b/c BM and her mother BABY these kids TO DEATH, they have absolutely no idea about basic living skills.
I dont' know what you can do other than to disengage; basically, I'm an old-fashioned parent. I have successfully raised two children by myself to be independent and self-sustainable.
It's funny that when BF is around his kids during visitation, they sprinkle some sort of "magic pixie dust" that befuddles him into just plain worshipping the ground they walk on. Of course these skids are still in the "cute" years and have not yet hit adolescence (bwa ha ha ha)
This past weekend, I told youngest SS 5, not to bang on the laptop keyboard as he was in "descruction mode" at 5:30 saturday morning.
BF looked at me like i was some evil, cruel overly harsh governess instead of backing me up "that's right, skippy, don't bang on the laptop keyboard"
I also insist that the skids do things for themselves and not just expect to be waited on by the adults. For example, 5 yr old SS comes running up to me sticking his chest out expecting for me to zip up his coat! (NO WAY!) I show him how to zip up his own coat and he can do it, there's no doubt about it. He just always has the egg donor do it for him! Then the big thing that I despise is when they ask "where is this" or "where is that" without even looking for it or going to the place where "this" or "that" is normally kept. I told the youngest two (SD9 and SS 5) over the weekend that they are big enough to find stuff for themselves and when they ask "where is this/that?" that tells me that they want CRAYON to do it for them; which I will NOT do!!! They know where I stand on that, now their dad is a different story. He enjoys waiting on them like they were still sucking on a bottle!
These skids never hear the word "NO" and are accustomed to being catered to 24/7.
I will reiterate to BF that if the house rules that we agreed upon are not followed and enforced by him as well as me, I will completely disengage, leave the house, and he can have the little hellions to himself on visitations.
I KNOW he doesn't like this b/c he KNOWS he needs help with the little out of control savages. The ONLY way I will help is if they are kept to my old fashioned parenting standards!!!
He has already caved on about 30% of the house rules that we made this summer after being fed up with their rotten behaviour and the fake child abuse report they made up to please the egg donor!
Weekends with Zippy-re our family is crumbling
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Well the weekend went as planned-I had Zippy (SS-16) for the third weekend in a row-his Mom has “bed bugs” in her co-op (Canadian Housing)-the powers that be have her in a hotel for now-and it seems she cannot see her son in a hotel or take him out to a movie etc. She has more or less washed her hands of any real parenting as she has lost custody of him and until she gets it in writing that she is a parent again she does the absolute bare minimum (if anything) for this young man-I find it sad for him and us.
I had my girlfriends over (DH was away) and Zippy actually went paint balling with a friend for all day Saturday-he was home for dinner (of course-what teenage guy would miss dinner) he ate most of what was cooked-AND did not hang around us for the evening (as he usually does!) so that was good
Next weekend will be the kicker as my DH wants Zippy for Canadian Thanksgiving even if the Bio -Mommie Dearest wants to have him (that will officially be a month since she has seen him!)-because his father, sister and niece are coming-here will be the LONG weekend-Zippy will be around all weekend hanging off his father and following us around eating everything in site!
DH made a house rules sheet and I am going to DH to enforce what HE came up with arghhhh-I said last night-what is the sense of having house rules if they are not followed up on-he thinks kids raise themselves, you say it once and they get it???? So I think this is common-DH parents from guilt-enabling Zippy's "Poor Me" attitude-and his learned helplessness-I have mostly disengaged except for being a benevolent entity in the house-Zippy is mentally a 10 year old in a 16 year old body-my biggest fear is that I will have a toddler with a beard on the couch in my middle age and a DH with his head in the sand as he babies this kid like crazy--one day at a time-one foot in front of the other! Thanks goodness for sites like this!
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