Step Talk

I know that sounds harsh and I feel totally guilty about it, but it's the truth. I can't stand him! This has been going on for years, it's caused many problems within our family and I really, really could use some advice from those who understand where I'm coming from.

My husband and I met in 2002. At the time his ex-girlfriend had informal custody of their son (4 yrs old). They had been separated since my SS was about 2 so he has no memory of their being together. There were no other children in the picture. BM bounced between boyfriends, living arrangements, and we suspect heavy substance abuse. SS and I got along great when he spent time with us.

In 2003 my husband and I married. He was sent overseas to Iraq after we found out we were going to have our first child. I later found out at his send-off that the BM had intentions of trying to 'get him back' until my husband's aunt dropped the marriage bomb on her at the send-off. This was the first time I'd met her face to face and she refused to acknowledge me from that point on. After she found out we were married it seemed like everything took a turn for the worse. The entire time my husband was overseas I wasn't allowed to see my step-son. She would let him stay with my father-in-law who would in turn let him stay with me for a couple of days.

In January of 2004 we discovered my SS and his BM were 'missing'. They had up and moved without notifying anyone on this side of my SS's family. It took nearly 2 months to locate them and at this point they had moved half-way across the country (from mid-West U.S. to the west coast). We went nearly 5 months without any contact from them. My husband came home in May '04 and shortly thereafter we were able to speak to my SS. We even planned a trip for him to come visit us for 2 weeks which was later canceled by the BM and her BF. They claim that the time didn't work well with the BF's schedule, even though they already knew we had purchased a plane ticket and made arrangements for my SS's trip. In late July of 2004 we get a call from the BM that she is back in the mid-West and wants to know if we'd like to see my SS. We of course say yes and set up a meeting to pick him up. We found out she came back because her BF beat her up (not the first time either) and she decided to leave him. Since no legal custody had been established we picked my SS up with the intention of keeping him. We immediately enrolled him in school (as he was supposed to be attending but she only made him go the first half of his kindergarten year) and obtained a lawyer. We notified his BM shortly thereafter and she acted as though it were a good idea because he (my SS) wanted to live with us anyways (according to her). We let her see him for the weekend and when we picked him up she told us she was moving back out west to be with her BF again. (At this point she had another baby around the same time our first child was born.) At the time we didn't know it, but this would be the last time my SS (now almost 6) would see his BM. For a few weeks she called often but the calls went from daily to every other day to a couple times a week. Within a few weeks she was served custody papers and the shit hit the fan. The BM and her BF called to bitch at my husband and harass me. She tried to get my SS to side with her, claiming that we were taking him away from her. She would say nasty things about me to him on the phone and once when he tried to stick up for me and tell her what she said wasn't true, she told him that was very mean of him because it meant he doesn't love her (the BM) anymore. Basically she made him choose between me and her. She fought us tooth and nail about the custody agreement (which was basically JOINT custody, us as custodial parents). She refused to sign any documents and had to be served by the local Sheriff's department. Because of her lack of involvement the judge awarded us custodial custody of my SS. At this time he was in Kindergarten and we started noticing that although he had done well at the beginning of the year, the last half of the year was rough for him behavior wise.

In January of 2005 we found out we'd be having another child. We started looking for a bigger house, found one, and moved (Fall 2005)... making sure to notify the BM of the new address, phone number, etc. before we even moved in the house! She would call and be civil with me, which I appreciated for my SS's sake, but I found out when she spoke to him she was still stirring the pot of shit. She wanted to send his birthday presents (since we moved the day after his birthday) to the new house and I said that would be fine because we were having the post office hold our mail until we were settled. Presents never came and my SS was obviously upset. What 6 year old wouldn't be? She said she'd send them with Christmas presents and that never happened either. At this point he started to get upset with her and though he wouldn't confront her about his feelings, he told us he wasn't believing her anymore because "she always lies" to him.

This went on until the first of February 2006 when she just stopped calling. We went about 2 weeks without hearing from her, tried to call her, and the number was disconnected. We also had no current address for her. We waited for her to call and she never did. Things with my SS had slowly been getting worse and at this point they escalated drastically! He was impossible to deal with. He began lying uncontrollably about EVERYTHING. Even if you sat there and watched him do something, he would lie about it. He was acting out more at school (1st grade) and the teacher was getting frustrated with his behavior. He was acting out at home and constantly causing arguments either between us and himself, or my husband and myself. He had, as I said, issues with lying, following directions, respecting others and their property (including adults, peers, and himself!) We also had issues with staring. I'm a very "busty" woman and can honestly say I NEVER wear provocative clothing. Jeans and T-shirts are my wardrobe of choice, but we were starting to have problems with him staring at my breasts, crotch, etc., especially when you were trying to talk to him. I told him how uncomfortable and dirty it made me feel and he purposely continued anyways. All this (and much more) continued on for nearly a year. Things financially were getting tight for us (as BM was providing NO support whatsoever!). My husband and I were constantly having arguments not only about the finances but also about my SS. My husband was working 2 jobs so I was left with 2 children and an infant all day long. My SS was of no real help, in the sense that he was continually causing problems which made it hard for me to manage all 3 kids. Every night I was consulting my husband about my SS's behaviors that day and expressing my difficulties and frustrations to him. On NUMEROUS occasions I asked for help from him and his responses were always: "I don't know what to do" or "I'll think of something." In the end he was always telling me to wait. Wait until he thinks of something. Wait long enough and it will get better. Someday he will look back and appreciate all I've done for him.

In September 2006 my husband decided he'd 'had enough' and was going to leave me. I was going to keep my SS for a couple of weeks until my husband got living arrangements lined up for them but that never worked out. When my SS got wind of what was happening he was THRILLED (I wish I could say I'm exaggerating) that they wouldn't be living here anymore. Needless to say my children and myself were devastated. I had to move back to my hometown (out of state) and stay with my parents because I couldn't handle the house, bills, etc., on my own (my husband wasn't providing financial support at the time). I was a full-time SAHM turned struggling single mom. After moving to live with my parents I was able to get a very good job at a bank working to support my children, my husband started sending half his paycheck twice a month to help support us, and I managed to keep our mortgage out of foreclosure, etc.

In all, we ended up being separated about 6 months, during which time he developed a relationship outside our marriage in plain view of my SS. My husband wanted to work things out and I gave him the ultimatum of ending it with his current GF or we were finished for good. He immediately ended the relationship, moved away from her, and finally began trying to repair things between us.

Spring of 2007 brought us back together after much needed communication and various meetings. All the while, I hadn't seen my SS since they'd left. When I did see him he seemed very happy to be living with us again. My husband was soon shipped out for military training after our getting back together and things really weren't TOO bad while he was gone (5 months). I got my SS into counseling which didn't go so well. He met weekly with his counselor for a little more than 2 months but we had to end it because of his behavior with the counselor. He enjoyed the games and playing they did, but when she tried to get him to open up he would either flat out refuse to answer by saying "I don't know" or he would fabricate stories and things that had never really happened. He even told me (at 8 years old) that he didn't think she was helping because all they did was play games. I asked him to at least give her a chance and he notified me that he didn't want to and that when she asked questions he was just going to lie to her anyways. In September 2007 my husband returned home. We had just ended counseling and things were 'okay' for awhile. We had gotten my SS into soccer which he turned out to be very good at! The stipulation was he get his grades back up (surprising as he's a very good student, very intelligent) and keep them up. He was also to work on his attitude and the concept of 'respecting others'. And I must make it clear here that he has absolutely NO problems whatsoever with understanding these concepts and ideas. He knows what's right and what's wrong, yet he continually decides to do things that aren't proper and he cannot offer an explanation of why he's made those choices.

Here it is the following February (2008). He's 9 years old (will be 10 this fall) and we still can't get him to consistently display the acceptable behaviors he very easily displayed at ages 4 and 5. With 2 other small children in the home this greatly concerns me.

My daughter (now 4) is in preschool and has been displaying attitude issues. She is very independent (as I always have been) and I don't see her behavior as being a problem... yet. I'm just afraid that should she continue to be influenced by my SS she may adapt some of his behaviors.

I also have a little boy (now 2) who is prone to frequent fits of screaming, throwing things, as well as himself, etc. We try so very hard to keep the smaller 2 out of the picture when we have discussions with my SS (which tends to be often), but at those times I can tell they begin to feel left out and want to act out for attention.

What I'm looking for is advice that anyone can offer from their personal experiences.

1. I'm in fear of my younger children adapting my SS's behaviors.

2. I'm concerned for my SS's well being, in terms of his social and educational development. (More on this to follow.)

3. I worry about these issues coming between my husband and I again.

4. I'm very worried that we are reaching a point of no salvation for my SS's and my relationship.

He's been letting school assignments slip on purpose for no reason. His last one was almost 2 weeks overdue and took both of us, my husband and I, and his teacher riding him to get him to finish it! He currently has one large project that is due in 2 days and he hasn't even completed half of it. He was instructed by his teacher to complete most of what's left over the weekend (this past weekend) and he did absolutely nothing. Today they had a snow day and we talked about the effects of that on his progress with the project. My husband and I have been to the point of preaching responsibility to my SS the past month or so. We told him we will not ride him to get this project done. He's on his own in terms of making sure it gets done. We always make it clear that he can come to us if he needs help, but it's his responsibility to get the ball rolling. If he needs help, he needs to speak up. He didn't seem happy to hear that. I think he was expecting us to force him to do it and I told him I refuse to force him to do it. He's old enough to know it needs to be done and if he choose not to do it, he's old enough to accept the consequences to follow. He did ask me to take him to the library shortly thereafter to pick up some research materials.

I feel very good about that small accomplishment... but I'm wanting help with everything else. I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling of not liking him. I try so hard to be as affectionate as I can possibly stomach but sometimes it's so much it makes me sick. I know we aren't any harder on him than we are on the other two, with respect for their individual ages. He's started to see that lately as my daughter is now 4 (the age he was when I met him) and he's seeing I hold her to the same expectations I held him, sometimes even higher than what I expected of him. But regardless of any of this, we still have trust and respect issues with him and I cannot seem to enjoy being around him. I don't look forward to doing things one on one with him. I don't look forward to him being involved in things that I do. And it's so bad I could be having a great day that turns to complete SHIT because I know he'll be home from school soon.

I feel like the horribly terrible evil and wicked stepmother from HELL! I do try not to show these feelings when I'm around him but of course the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. What is wrong with me? Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with my SS? And more importantly, what can I do to further improve things in our relationship? I will tell you that my husband is aware of the tension between my SS and myself but I've never openly told him how I absolutely cannot stand to be around my SS. I'm so terrified of it driving a wedge between us again. Can anyone please help me?

Thank you!
StressedMom