Your boyfriend needs to step up, and tell them that it is not their place to let you know where YOUR place is. Yes, you will never be their biological mother, but that does not mean you can't be their mother FIGURE. They need to butt out, and your BF needs to set boundaries for that to happen, including calling them out on what they say.

Sorry you're going through this--I wish you lots of luck!

The reason this is happening is because it is too early for them for him to be in a serious relationship. I was widowed at 34 and didn't start dating until the three year mark and even waited to marry for almost 7 years from his death. People have a hard time with widows moving on and if it is too early it makes it even tougher.

He needs to be clear that you are in his life and it doesn't mean he is done mourning his first wife. But, my son still doesn't accept my husband as a father figure and it is ten years now. He is friends with him and says SF to his friends, but he will never be dad and honestly he shouldn't.

THis is a hard road with a widower, but it does get better. I still talk about my husband to my DH and he accepts it, but does get frustrated. Again, ten years and I am still not over the death. Your step kids and their mom's family, may never be. Limit your exposure to them, but do not limit the kids exposure.

You've only been dating the guy for 6 months. At this point none of you know how long you two will be a couple.

The ILs may be trying to protect them from being hurt If the relationship doesn't last.

Ditto to what jsmom said. I was widowed at 35 with a 3 y/o and 5 y/o. Everyone grieves at different "rates" or timelines. Given the fact that my first DH passed from a terminal illness I think I quietly grieved for four years during his illness. His parents refused to believe or acknowledge what the eventual outcome would be and were stunned when it finally happened.

It's also difficult for grandparents to see their son or daughter replaced. My first DH's parents are cold to my now-DH. Yeah, they play nicey nice on the surface, but I know they ask my kids about our homelife, how my now-DH treats them, etc. I can't imagine how they would react if either of my children would ever refer to my now-DH as "Dad". I'd probably find myself looking at a couple of stroke victims.

Just let it be for a while. I think my first DH's parents work really really hard to keep reminding my kids about their father, have pictures of him EVERYWHERE in their house, and critize the fact that I don't have bunches of pictures hanging around here (my kids both have pics of him in their bedrooms). They are afraid that my kids will forget who their father was so work really hard at instilling memories in them while at the same time discrediting the place my now-DH has in their lives.

And I won't even get into how the grandparents act when my DH's parents are around.... because my kids love love love my DH's parents.

If you only see them on the weekends, you aren't getting a true picture of things.

Those sweet, loving girls won't be so sweet when you move in and start changing rules. They won't be so sweet when you get on them about not doing homeworking, doing chores, eating veggies, showering....

Some kids get along great with dad's GF when they know she's leaving in a few days. Things change when they figure out she will be around for a loooong time.

Have you thought about getting your own apartment instead of moving in with him in August? Moving slow is always a good thing.

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This is really too early to be moving in. I guarantee you will regret it. He is still mourning and so are the children.

Most widowers who remarry are remarried within 2 years. Men grieve differently than women. Many men start dating immediately after their wives die and women (like former MIL and daughters) have a difficult time accepting this.

I married my DH 8 months after his wife died. His children and former MIL were completely against him moving on so quickly and have never accepted me. He let his former MIL become the "mother" figure for his kids which was a huge mistake and let to her poisoning the kids against me.

You should visit Abel Keogh's blog - hhttp://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/ - he's a widower who has written a book on dating widowers and has a book about marrying a widower coming out in a few months. He remarried several months after his pregnant wife died and he explains very well the differences between how men and women grieve and how to deal with invading former in-laws and bratty children.

What your boyfriend needs to do is set up limits with his former in-laws. If they are disrespectful to you or in any way encourage the children to not accept you, then they cannot see the children. he needs to keep them completely separated from anyone who is keeping them in the grieving process.

Yes men grieve differently from women. They also get divorced faster from their 2nd marriage, because they do move on too fast. I have belonged to a young widow support group and can not tell you how many of the men that jumped in to quickly to a new relationship regret it and are getting divorced.

Wait as long as you can....As for the in-laws mine accept my husband and we have christmas and easter with them every year. It can be done, but, you can not shove the relationship down their throat. My son, their grandson, is the last link to their son and they take it very seriously. They like my husband, but I was very conscious of their feelings and talked to them when I decided to date. When he proposed, my FIL was the 2nd call I made. I needed him to be okay with it.

You are moving too fast for these kids and it will bite you in the ass, I guarantee it. My DH just punished my son last week for something and the first thing he said is he is not my father and never will be and he needs to remember that. I discussed it with him, but those are his feelings and they are valid. I do not let my husband punish usually but this was a situation where BS got mouthy and DH stepped in. My son has a right to his feelings. I did reprimand him, but it is ten years since his father passed away and he still suffers. Was he right to talk to my DH that way, no...But, DH was not his father no matter how much he tries.

You are in a difficult situation and need to take it very slow.

I disagree, the in-laws can grow to accept a new stepmom. They just have to be handled appropriately. Discussions and introductions with the new girlfriend. Slowly this can happen. My DH and my FIL get along great. My SIL's have embraced me moving on. We get together monthly and sometimes for dinner with my husband and my stepkids. It has happened.

The key is moving slowly and respecting that they are still grieving. I sat my MIL down and told her I wanted to start dating at the three year mark. She told me it was about time. I never introduced them to anyone until I met DH and it got serious. Unfortunately she passed away before they could meet. My FIL and him are great together. It is all in your approach.

The fact that he hasn't intorduced her to the IL's is a red flag. Right now she is a threat to them and their place in their grandchilds lives.

Even if the kids are ready for her to move in, as we all know that can change on a dime and has nothing to do with their mom being deceased. They will resent someone moving in and changing things. Also, she hasn't even dealt with the pictures and her furniture and the other things that will breed resentment from these kids.

It may look great now, but it can change quickly. I lost it on DH when I moved in and he made me get rid of a couch and chair that I had bought with my first husband. I was angry. I never explained why and it was a long time before I could make myself understand why I was sentimental about a couch. He slipped into a coma on that couch. He read stories to my son in that chair. These are just some issues that come up for widows. There are more and that is why I think moving in this early is a really bad idea. We had dated for almost 4 years before we did. We have been married for almost three years now and I still grieve my husband every day....Jan was ten years. DH was the first serious relationship that I had. Slow down if it is meant to be, he will stick around.

I'm going to throw in an additional two cents, for what it's worth....

Firstly, as far as grandparents are involved (meaning, my first DH's parents). I've always gotten along with them, known them since I was 15. But also know they are steamrollers. I DID have to discuss with them curtailing access to my children because some of the things they were doing with/saying to my children were interfering with the development of a "new normal" for us. They would bash me, my now-DH. Any little "behavioral" issue one of my kids had would be blown out of proportion. Even announced on a couple different occasions (in FRONT of my kids) that "maybe the kids would be better off" living with them. So there are some valid points to setting boundaries if found in a situation like this. If you read one of my prior blogs, I did talk about this and how my DD14 now wants very little to do with her maternal grandmother because of MGM's behaviors.

Secondly, I'll honestly admit that I got it from all sides (my family and my first DH's family) when I started dating again. And it hurt. A little background for you: my DH was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was pregnant for my DS. So as I was bringing a life into this world, I was grieving the loss (at any moment....) of another one. My DH was given 6 months to live, he survived four years, so my son was 3 when he passed (my DD was 5).

I heard it all...
"It's too soon" (almost 2 years, really??)
"You're not ready" (I'll be the judge of that)
"You can't replace your first DH" (nope, not trying to either)
"You're better off alone raising your two kids" (not said in reference to my now-DH, it was just a general statement)

and it went on....

But the questions I posed to them:
Who dictates when the time is "right"?
Is there a book of rules on this that I didn't read?
Some choose to start relationships fairly quickly, others choose to never have a relationship again. Why isn't it OK to decide for myself?

I think wanting to live after a death is as difficult as wanting to live after a divorce. And I think it's up to the adults to be smart about how they go about "living", also while keeping in mind the children involved and how it will affect them. I hope I can say now, and continue to say in the future, that other than normal teenage stuff my children have accepted my now-DH as a father figure.... but he will never be their father and neither of us try to push it on them.

Honestly? I think if it was up to my inlaws, they wouldn't have wanted me to remarry -- ever -- because they are insecure and think that having more people in my childrens' lives that love and care for them will take away from the love my children have for their maternal grandparents. Not unlike some of the BM's we discuss on this board.

MichelleA - all I can say is take it slowly, and think things through carefully.

I think there's a lot of animosity to this because you are considered "just" a girlfriend. I don't think it's right to judge you because we don't know your full situation. I think most people are right though, that you yourself need to ignore their comments, but I believe your BF should have put the in-laws in their place.

I don't care if someone is grieving, it does not give them the right to sway the children's mind one way or another--including telling the kids "she is not your mother." They know she's not their mother, he knows, she knows, why do you have to say it in such a way that makes the children think it's wrong to treat her like a mother figure, if she is one? I have had friends who have lost their mother's and been grateful to get a "second" mom. In their mind, they had someone to support them and love them again, there was none of this kind of craziness. It's no different from a child whose been abandoned by a parent and now the step and the other bio must take care of them.

I get that they're grieving but they are ALL adults, meaning that each of them has a personal responsibility to be mature in this. To me, it's a mild form of PAS. Your BF should be telling them that it is inappropriate to speak to the children like this, they are NOT therapists, and they are doing more harm than good. What does it do for them to act like this, other than cause a rift and conflict in the children's minds.

I do advocate doing motherly duties (be it wife or long-term partner or significant other) if the children and the father are accepting towards it--NO ONE ELSE, and that includes the in-laws.

I think everyone has their own timeline, and whatever works for them is their's. I believe there are statistical guidelines but they are only that, guidelines. To so harshly speak to someone like this without regards to the fact that they are hurting and seeking for help based on our own opinions, to me is quite sad.

I think you need to meet them without the kids. Give her a chance to meet you. It may not work, but at least you tried.

I am concerned by your statements that your BF doesn't want you to meet her because she is venomous and needs to calm down. She is obviously angry that he is moving on. You also threaten her control. The trick here is for him to handle it in a way that understands her loss but doesn't conflict with his own needs and decisions. By throwing stuff away she is being childish and acting like it is her house. Red flag here is if he is bullied by her. If she is not civil enough to treat you properly out of respect for him. Is she a nice person?! If not, then she is acting like the BMs on here, concerned only for themselves and trampling on everyone else. You need to set the bar now for how you will be treated. Telling someone that you are good for BF and the kids (i.e. defending yourself) will not work because she doesn't care about their comfort. A nice person would be very careful not to arouse problems with the kids or violate BF's boundaries. Her grief is not an excuse to mistreat you, poison the kids' minds and rule BF's household.

Oy, Interesting the position you are in Michelle!

I am have been dating my bf for 6 months, and we're talking about me moving in next month. He has two boys, ages 8 and 12 every other weekend - with intent to go to court to get more time once we are both employed. BM has been showing interest in me - drilling the kids about me. Sigh Anyways!

Your post has reminded me of a situation I was in a few years ago. It is different - but hopefully by sharing it will help you to see there are different variations - and that maybe my experience can shed some light?

I was a nanny to two boys, ages 3 and 5 whose mother had died of breast cancer. She was diagnosed when she was 7 months pregnant with the youngest, and they took him early, and her breasts the next day. After nearly 4 years of fighting - she lost her battle. Her mom, took primary care of the kids and BM, so essentially after she died, and I became the nanny - I was replacing both BM and maternal grandma. I met the family 3 weeks after she died. I took on full care of the household and kids from 7am to 6pm daily. It was VERY difficult to not only take on the mother role with the kids and answer questions like "Are you my new mommy?" and "If I'm really good today, can mommy come back from heaven?" as the oldest thought I was the one who sent her away and could bring her back!!! As for the maternal grandma - well BOTH sets of grandparents, they were very involved, and I had to prove myself to the whole family. What is normally a childcare/housekeeping position, became more about relationships, and proving to everyone that I was the perfect nanny - doing everything I could the way the idolized BM would have done it - had breast cancer not taken her life. And boy did I fall hard and fast for the kids - doing everything I could for them, just as their mom would of! I hosted imaginative playdates. I consulted maternal Grandma on dinner menus daily. I baked and cooked healthy meals/snacks. For the first little while, I didn't do anything without getting their advice/okay - so as to include the grandparents in their grandkids lives. We went to the grandparents weekly for lunch, and any time there was a field trip or report card, or special event at school I made sure the grandparents (all 4) were invited, got copies of the reports or were called by the kids to tell of the news - often before my employer (the kids dad) knew about the event. He didn't mind of course - and by me being the go between with his in laws and his parents - it actually relieved some of the stress on him.

Over time, my "dadboss" as they are referred to in nanny land started dating. The first few girlfriends no one knew about. Every once in a while they would meet myself and/or the boys or I'd hear from them on the phone. It was all cool. Everyone was okay with dadboss moving on. The 4 years his wife was sick had prepared them all for it. He and the boys were in counceling, etc... Well after a few years, dadboss found a girlfriend who was VERY quick to move in, take over, and to be quite territorial and jealous. Within about 4 months of them dating she had dadboss put me on 'paid vacation' and moved in. She neglected to see value in communicating with me what the kids routines were, what the family expectations were, how the family operated best and instead came in with guns blazing. From her independent single life (her own three kids lived with their father) she took on too much, and in her attempts to have the kids like her became the ultimate disneystepmom.

To be continued - just got the call to go meet my BF and the future SKs - Oh, the weekend fun begins!!

So - the new live in girlfriend was more than just trying to spoil the kids into liking her - she also was not concerned about their safety as the rest of us were and took dumb chances with them (not picking them up on time from school, leaving a 7 and 9 year old home alone, and letting them do dangerous things). She also paid no attention to healthy eating and let them play violent video games. There was a noticable difference in the kids behavior at school, home and with family. It was shocking. This gave everyone concern that she was not good for the boys. But besides that....

What I saw happening was that she wasn't concerned about what any of the grandparents thought about parenting the boys - She just wanted to do what she wanted and to enjoy her relationship with the Dad. Well that's all well and good - but regardless as to whether you like it or not - Those grandparents are FOREVER. They are FOREVER a part of those children's lives. They are the link to their mother that is irreplaceable - and there has to be some respect shown. Because there was no work done to show respect for their relationship as grandparents, and no respect for what they went through as parents losing their daughter, and the grief that continues on as the Dad and children grow away from the maternal family - The relationship was strained right from the start.

It's sooo important in the early years of grief to pay attention to what is happening for all of the family members. You might be daily involved in the lives of the kids and dad, and they are doing well because they processed her death as she was dying, reached out for support, counceling, etc.... But the others who loved that women - may not have had the opportunity to do that work.

Here's an example: The first year I worked there, a few months after I started, I helped the dad's family throw him a BBQ for his birthday. The kids and I made a cake, I cleaned the house and had it "visitor ready" with nice towels out, and the guest room set up for the visiting aunt and uncle. I put out dishes, made burgers from scratch, and had it all ready for Grandma to take over and host when she got off work that day. Well, I had invited some of the Dad's best friends. Couples with kids, that were like family to my employer, his parents, and his kids. The kids were sooo excited, decorated with balloons etc... and even called their playmates asking them to bring over their nerf guns so they could play "like they did last summer". It was going to be great.

People started arriving, so I stayed a little later to visit. As I was leaving the party was in full swing. I took some pictures, and left an uncle in law in charge asking him to record some new memories. I especially needed a pic of the dad and boys together for a father's day craft we were going to do. ANYWAYS! On the way out, I saw one of the family friends and her husband on the side of the road. She was in tears and couldn't bring herself to go down the street to the house. She was a mess. The kids were crying and the husband was unsure what to do. I took her home. She couldn't bear to go to the house and see the kids so happy - when her best friend had died months prior. She hadn't grieved yet, and wasn't ready to come to the house. So - she cried and told me of her experiences, seeing her best friend so ill, when they had been pregnant together, etc... It was rough and certainly not the job I signed up to do! But it made me realize that EVERYONE has feelings and a past and just because its not directly impacting my job or relationships - that I can't discount how it will affect those that I'm caring about.

Later that week I called the family friend and invited her over for tea. Just her and I - setting up the kids to play in the next room - and giving her a chance to come into the house, see the changes that had occurred (some pictures were up, some taken down) and to relive her memories. The last time she'd been there for example, the dining room had been set up as the hospital room. Now it was the dad's office for example. It was hard on her - but I cared about my nanny kids and my employer and wanted them to be supported.

So - as time goes on, relationships change. This family friend who did not come to the birthday party and her husband have definitely drifted away from the family. It was very hard for them too - to see the new girlfriend come in and not give the boys the care and attention they had been given in the past. They very much disliked her.

The live in girl moved too fast, and only lasted 5 months. The dad asked her to move out and offered me my job back with a $1000 incentive to come back ASAP. I had a job, and it was nearly christmas, so I said no to the money but that I'd come back in January. My job continued, and I made some changes on how I approached it. Namely, I realized how I had protected the kids from being on their own and needed to teach the boys and their dad how to be independent of having a woman manage the house. When I wasn't there, and the girlfriend didn't do things like I did - the family resented it and the kids suffered. So, it was good that I could try again, and teach the boys to be more self sufficient.

A few years later they graduated to an after school sitter. Dadboss continued to date, and actually has built a new house with a playdate mom friend of mine from when I was their nanny. She is DELIGHTFUL and made the effort even BEFORE dating the dad to get to know the maternal family. She was not afraid to communicate with them and include them in the kids life and to really respect their history. She has her own son too, and has the complexities of sharing custody of her son with her ex husband. Her son also has some medical issues. Talk about a lot of her plate. I was so thrilled to see the youngest recently refer to his dad's gf as "Mom" Quite delightful really!

So - things can really work out - but I really think its all about moving slowly and communicating with everyone involved.

When you entered a relationship with ANYONE - you are taking on the relationships with their family/friends too. It's even more important when their are kids involved!

I hope this helps - How are things going now Michelle?

Hi,
It's been a while since the first post and I was just wondering if there were any developments,?
After reading all the comments here I felt the need to add my views as I am in a similar situation. My boyfriends wife died 3 years ago, leaving him and heir two children, now 12 and 10. I knew my bf for many years as an acquaintance but I did not know his wife. I met up with him again 18 months after the death of his wife. We didn't date straight away but were firiends only. I was not his first relationship after his wife died. Very slowly we became more than friends. I met his children and he discussed the issue of him dating with them. It's been very hard at times but also very rewarding. We all get on so well( I have two grown children). There have been tears but much laughter and love. The children run to meet me when I visit and ask me to stay. We've holidayed together and I stay over most weekends. There are still photos of her on the walls and some clothes hanging in the closet.. But slowly these have been removed. It's his house and the children's home so the decision to remove some of them has been his. There are photos in a family room and in the children's bedrooms but that's it. Being a mother myself I understand its important for them to know her and to know they were a. Loving family. We talk about their mom when they want too. I'm not their mother and never can be.. But I can be their significant adult in their lives. You can't replace a dead mother or spouse.. Who would want to?

I think for a relationship like this to work it takes hard work, the ability to step back and look at the situation through the eyes of others and try to do what is best for the kids. That said, that does not mean letting other people dictate. I live in my own house at the moment as we feel this is the right thing for us at the present time..

This all said.. My boyfriends mother in law and sister in law hate me with a passion(although they don't know me) the reason they give??? I have the same name as my boyfriends deceased wife. They think he deliberately went out looking for someone with the same name..
The relationship between him and his inlaws is non existent as they will not accept our relationship.

I have tried to look at the situation from their point of view and realise it must be strange for them but unfortunately I can't help my name, it's just a very unfortunate coincidence. I really don't think this is the issue, the fact is they have lost a daughter. Sister and no matter what the name, how long it was, living together... Ect, they are grieving and have still to come to terms with her death. What they think or believe is out of my hands.

It is important for the children that they have contact with them and are not exposed to any stress over this so they see them.. When they want .. As for us.. We have no relationship with them what so ever and this is their choice.

I guess what I'm saying by sharing this with you is that you have to find your own way. There are no right and wrong answers just look at the bigger picture, take your time(what's the rush?) and if it feels right go with it. My partner loved his wife 'till death do us part' he loved and honoured her and was totally committed to her. Unfortunately she died. He now lives and respects her memory and is totally committed to his children and me. We are a new chapter in his life and all he has done is learnt to live and love again. Good luck xx

Hi,
It's been a while since the first post and I was just wondering if there were any developments,?
After reading all the comments here I felt the need to add my views as I am in a similar situation. My boyfriends wife died 3 years ago, leaving him and heir two children, now 12 and 10. I knew my bf for many years as an acquaintance but I did not know his wife. I met up with him again 18 months after the death of his wife. We didn't date straight away but were firiends only. I was not his first relationship after his wife died. Very slowly we became more than friends. I met his children and he discussed the issue of him dating with them. It's been very hard at times but also very rewarding. We all get on so well( I have two grown children). There have been tears but much laughter and love. The children run to meet me when I visit and ask me to stay. We've holidayed together and I stay over most weekends. There are still photos of her on the walls and some clothes hanging in the closet.. But slowly these have been removed. It's his house and the children's home so the decision to remove some of them has been his. There are photos in a family room and in the children's bedrooms but that's it. Being a mother myself I understand its important for them to know her and to know they were a. Loving family. We talk about their mom when they want too. I'm not their mother and never can be.. But I can be their significant adult in their lives. You can't replace a dead mother or spouse.. Who would want to?

I think for a relationship like this to work it takes hard work, the ability to step back and look at the situation through the eyes of others and try to do what is best for the kids. That said, that does not mean letting other people dictate. I live in my own house at the moment as we feel this is the right thing for us at the present time..

This all said.. My boyfriends mother in law and sister in law hate me with a passion(although they don't know me) the reason they give??? I have the same name as my boyfriends deceased wife. They think he deliberately went out looking for someone with the same name..
The relationship between him and his inlaws is non existent as they will not accept our relationship.

I have tried to look at the situation from their point of view and realise it must be strange for them but unfortunately I can't help my name, it's just a very unfortunate coincidence. I really don't think this is the issue, the fact is they have lost a daughter. Sister and no matter what the name, how long it was, living together... Ect, they are grieving and have still to come to terms with her death. What they think or believe is out of my hands.

It is important for the children that they have contact with them and are not exposed to any stress over this so they see them.. When they want .. As for us.. We have no relationship with them what so ever and this is their choice.

I guess what I'm saying by sharing this with you is that you have to find your own way. There are no right and wrong answers just look at the bigger picture, take your time(what's the rush?) and if it feels right go with it. My partner loved his wife 'till death do us part' he loved and honoured her and was totally committed to her. Unfortunately she died. He now lives and respects her memory and is totally committed to his children and me. We are a new chapter in his life and all he has done is learnt to live and love again. Good luck xx