So I'm reading Colorado Girls post about wishing she could have met her DH before they were married to other people.
Like you CG, I have had a tough time with this one. I completely understand this feeling. It hits me sometimes daily. So much so that DH has entertained the idea of taking a position in another state so we would "have to" move away and leave the kids with their other parents. (My fear is that BM will not take SD and then I would be stuck alone with her even more!)
As I'm reading CG's post, I hear yet another annoying arugement between 13 yr old BS and 10 yr old BS. 13 yr old BS just took 11 yr old BS's homework away and wouldn't give it back. I'm sitting here waiting for him to come in here because I told 11 yr old BS to send him in about teasing him. So BS 13 just ignores me trying to provoke me?
I am peeved non-stop the minute they get home.
Just finished cyclical argument with BS 13 about him teasing BS 11. He tells me, "If you would lighten up, then you wouldn't be angry at me all the time. You do this to yourself."
Interesting. Because when I tell him the exact same thing he tells me it's stupid and makes no sense. But...
Evidently he's listening on some level isn't he.
Then as I am listening to the voice mail on our home cell, SD comes in with Ipod buds in ears and asked me if she can have the phone. I have the phone sitting in front of me, on speaker, erasing old messages to get to the new one I'm trying to hear.
I said NO.
She said why?
I laughed.
She said offendly, "Why is THAT funny? "
I said, "Because I was USING it."
SD, "I was wearing my Ipod. I didn't know you were using it. What's so funny about that???????"
I just laughed again.
SD,"Oh THAT's HILARIOUS!"
Me, "Everything in my life is hilarious."
Oh...ummmm....except I think I added a "f-ing" in front of the word hilarious. I'm already a failure as a mom, right? So why not some sailor/trucker expletives thrown in for good measure.
I often fantasize for the day we can up and move away from the older two kids. 5 and a half more years. It angers me because it seems that I keep finding myself in situations where I have to wait to get away from something unhealthy, until I can be happy.
It happened with my family life growing up...with my first marriage, with my relationship with a married man, and now....
Now I have found the most amazing man. And our weekends with BD 2 are magical. Blissful. NORMAL. SHORT. and...only 4 days a month 
It also makes me sad that I had a tubal with BD 2. I would so much like to have another child to raise with this grounded sane wonderful DH. A normal nuclear family. I think I am always in mourning about it. I am starting to really understand when parents just move away and do start over with a whole new family. A whole new life.
DH got a job interview with a huge co this week. They have a plant in VA- a couple hours from the beach. We're in Ohio. If he took a position somewhere, we could give BM SD back. We could tell my exH we will drop CS (he's paid a very small amount for 9 years) and he can have BS's full time. We could have a normal life. We could see them and be buddies with them half the summer....on holidays...
BUT I think it would damage my kids all terribly so we don't do it. I mean what would BS 10 think if I abandoned him that way? He's is my kindred. And God only knows what damage BM would do IF she even agreed to take BD full time. That's doubtfull since she doesn't take all her scheduled visitation now.
On the flip side, what damage are we doing now with all the tension, hostility, contempt in our house all the time anyway?
I'm also bumming because we really thought getting full custody of SD would help because there would be less possible conflict between DH and BM. We thought SD would settle down and finally be happy in a calmer environment. However she isn't so she creates as much conflict as she can to keep the house revolving around drama involving her.
And as far as SD/BM there's just DIFFERENT conflict. We make all the decisions now and that has allowed SD to do things like sports and switch schools. And she took a swing to a new personality - middle school girls- obsessed with money, material things, clothes, make up, hair, etc... this from a girl I had to tell to put on a clean shirt that fit, and brush her hair just one short year ago...
We have been given the hardest task as parents in the current culture. Blended families with exponential parenting influences, no way to instill fear/respect/discipline in the kids all the while the media is instilling the worst set of cultural values since the dark ages.
Ok....Lets hope Wed is back to bright and snowy at least. And if my cold is better I can pull out of MY funk.
It gets better
BS 13 just came in running after BS 10. He cornered him on the couch hovering over screaming at him because in retaliation for being shoved hard and painfully throughout playing basketball, BS 10 pushed BS 13 and caused him to fall in the mud. I get up and run into the livingroom because BS 13 outweighs BS 10 by 80 pounds. I grab BS 13 by the arm and pull him off BS 10. BS 13 turns to swing back instinctively, but leaves his hand raised toward me even after he sees it's me.
Then I yell at BS 13 to scrub the carpet that is now covered in muddy footprints. He refuses and tells me to have BS 10 do it. I am cussing yelling as I go and get the Resolve bottle out. He is yelling at me that it's all my fault as usual, because BS 10 NEVER gets in trouble.
I hear this from SD all the time too. However, BS ten does get in trouble. Daily at times. The difference is he does NOT yell, backtalk or argue with me about how he didn't deserve it. He is remorseful and instantly apologizes and corrects his behavior. Therefore it doesn't attract this much attention so the other two children think he never gets into trouble.
I am really at my wits end. I know just reading about our family probably sounds like a Springer episode. We're not. We are typical middle class family in a normal suburban family allotment.
Is EVERYONE going through this????
Peace, love, and red wine
my therapist
told me one time when I asked him what to say to my youngest BS who thinks I love his older brother more than him. He told me to ask the child why he thought that and to acknowledge his feelings by saying I understand how you might think that I love J over you but that is not the truth.. Kids are always going to try to deflect the blame from themselves, it is all about learning to control their part in the world.
Take heart ..one thing I can suggest is put them both in a corner, I read one time that if you did not see it happen then they both get in trouble..does that help??
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I do hold BS 10 accountable
But I don't have to make a big production as I do with SD and BS.
For instance after this altercation, BS 10 picked up the rag and tried to clean up the mud his brother tracked in. Then he got the sweeper and put it away...all without being asked. The older two need to learn in life that if someone seems to have more respect, and more caring from others, then they should be observing how they accomplish that. SD and BS 13 would rather just sit back and claim I'm biased without having to do any work.
SD is that way in therapy. As long as the shrink wants to talk about something that amuses SD, she is gabby and giddy. As soon as SD complains about how someone mistreated her and the Dr tries to help her find a way to work things out from her side, SD shuts down. She just wants to blame not do any work to improve things.
I have tried to do things one on one, to praise when they do things worthy of praise etc. But it's never enough.
Peace, love, and red wine
i hope I did not offend
I did not meant to imply you were playing favorites! I was saying that our children think we do whether it is true or imagined. I am sorry if my post came off wrong!!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
No- no offense taken
I was just clarifying b/c 13 yr old BS and SD both claim there are NEVER consequences for BS 10. They just see through tunnel vision. Although sometimes they do notice when BS 10 is corrected. SD in particular gets a cheshire grin on her face which then usually ends up getting her in trouble.
BS 13 I think is really misplacing the anger he has over having two different households where there is such a huge focus on one of his dysfunctional S-sibs. It happens with two S-sibs at his dad's house too, so when I was single he was really happy to come to my house. Then all the drama with BM and SD makes this house revolve around them and I believe it causes BS 13 to get angry and he's not even sure what about.
But then again....knowing it and fixing it are almost impossible.
Peace, love, and red wine
i want to move away too
I feel for ya I really do, I would love to move out of here and to a place where there is not such easy access for FSkids- I think if we could move then so many more problems would be solved. But like you I do not want to leave my BSs although almost men, I know I would miss them, I dont hate FSkids just all the drama that it creates when trouble happens and BD has to deal with BM.
ugh..
why did I fall in love with a man with kids...
stupid stupid stupid.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Oh Zen...
I always wanted to be an inspiration, but this is not what I had in mind.
So are us stepmoms ever going to heal from all of this? Do they have like a Blended Family Rehab? I'd sign up for that.
I'm hoping that this is just a phase of our lives. Just a bump in the road. I don't want to wish away these kid's childhood, but I am anticipating a future without them. Maybe it's the old proverbial saying....you always want what you can't have. I'd probably miss them terribly if they were gone.
The bottom line is that I WANT to be happy. I'm just not sure how to make that possible. I've figured out what makes me happy and I definitely have pinpointed what does NOT make me happy. So I guess it's figuring out the balance. Like in Eat,Pray,Love....how do we find balance? Maybe this is how our lives are meant to be. Maybe you can't have the flowers without the rain. How does one focus on the flowers though? How do you forget about the rain? How do you not fear the next storm? That's my own inner battle. How do I stop and enjoy all that's good when there is this one aspect of my life that is so consuming....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Oh CG...
You ARE an inspiration to me. Sometimes your posts just brighten my day
I especially like this response and the rain and flowers (and howling wind gusts outside my door.)
Peace, love, and red wine
Blended family rehab
I would be first in line to sign up. Sometimes I think that is what I need-a 12 step, step family recovery program. I often wonder if it is possible to ever really acheive balance in a situation that is unbalanced because of what it is? How can you ever get peace?
Sometimes the whole thing just confuses me. I have experienced emotions that I did not even know that I had.
Georgie
Sign me up too
Hello my name is Evilsm, I am in a blended family........
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
Hello Evilsm...
My name is Colorado Girl and I am in a blended family too....feel like a drink? Perhaps a vodka straight up? I mean after all it's not AA or anything....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Sign me up for a martini
Dirty please with blue cheese olives if you have them.
Well...it's sunnier today
But wind gusts up to 50 mph, my garage door (with minivan inside) is frozen shut due to rain and 50 degrees last night then temperatures falling to zero with wind chill today.
Thanks for those who cheered me up.
DH came home last night and took me and BS 10, BD 2 and Sd to dinner. SD was irritated with us and rude, but we can't leave the two 13 yr olds home alone anymore, and BS 13 was NOT going out to eat after the way he behaved.
I hugged him before he left for school this morning, and told him I loved him. I apologized for losing my temper with him, but told him especially when I am this sick (bad sinus and cold) he needs to listen to me and not push my buttons. He mumbled ok but no apology for his part.
I am just so worn down with the weight of these adolescents.
Peace, love, and red wine
I am so glad....
you are feeling better....Funky Monday and Blue Tuesday are now gone. I can't wait until Happy Friday.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Zenmom, how did you find a reasonable husband?
My husband would NEVER leave SD14 home and take me and other two kids out to dinner. No matter how bad her behavior. God forbid he leave her out of anything. For a long time there, we weren't allowed to do anything special if SD was not with us.
One Saturday we took two BDs (3 and newborn) to a museum. Husband asked SD to come along and she said no. Before going home we stopped at Taco Bell for lunch. He actually called SD from Taco Bell to get her lunch order. Then got mad when I objected. Hello, she can't come along on a family outing, then she can make herself lunch.
Elizabeth, my dh would have done the same thing
If he could bear to leave sd behind, no matter how she was behaving, he would be sure to call her for that lunch order. God forbid she have to make something for herself.
I think I am getting to the point of just choosing my battles.
Elizabeth it was MY son we left behind BUT
DH would have no trouble leaving SD behind if she were bad. And we didn't tell my son we were eating out, I just told him to make himself something to eat.
I found him online under the screen name "reasonable husband" of course!
Peace, love, and red wine
THAT's what I did wrong!
I must have searched under "act reasonable until you get married and then chuck it all and get suspicious husband." Damn it!
No you probably searched under reasonable
But got one of those sites that re-routes you for their own evil purpose!
Peace, love, and red wine
queen of pessimists here
zenmom, i really really hope that in your case this never happens, but if any of my kids are any indication--and I have five now over the age of your BS10--he will not stay agreeable and compliant forever. It's just not going to happen. And your SD13 would have turned into the typical middle school girl regardless of moving schools; it just happens at that age no matter what the kids' circumstances and histories to date. Drama and self-centered behavior are so normal for girls that age, it's not even remarkable. Your 13-yr-old BS sounds exactly like my SS11. I guess I'm just saying that leaving your problems behind might bring you temporary respite, but sure as day follows night, your 2-yr-old will one day be a middle schooler herself, and you will see her older sister's personality mirrored in her--they're all doing it at that age. Think of SD as a test kitchen--you can at least get some idea of what approaches work best with her and what has absolutely no effect at all. And I see nothing wrong with being proactive when you see trouble coming; separate the boys BEFORE a disagreement gets started. I tell skids that since they've proven completely unable to get along in the past, they are not to watch each other play video games or be on the computer; not to be in the same vicinity of their sibling if a friend is visiting; not to even talk to each other if it's been a particularly annoying day.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
I would agree that it's possible EXCEPT...
All the research I have done says different as well as SD's Dr. SD and BS 13 are not to be off the hook because of the current cultural belief that "they're just being teenagers." And I'm not going to let them. Also, they were both like this all along, SD since I've known her, and BS since I've known him (ie he came out obstinate and argumentative from birth.) BS 10 on the other hand (and BD 2) have the opposite personality from the other two. I realize BD 2 has a long way to go to know for sure, but there are quite a few indications that she is on the same path as BS 10.
Before I had kids I really thought environment shaped them more than genetics. I don't believe that at all now. I have seen through my own family, and my siblings families the amazing difference between kids in the same family.
My sister has two "adult" children. My niece is in her mid-twenties, two kids by two different men, still not married though she is with 2nd child's father at this time.
My nephew has a drug addiction problem, a child of his own and is not with the mother. They were not at all raised to think they should have the world handed to them, but in many ways, especially my nephew think it's so.
Then there's my youngest niece who is now at college on a full scholarship. Who told a little white lie to my sister a while back about purchasing a Halloween costume my sister didn't approve of on their joint credit card account, and my niece felt so bad about it she took it back and didn't go to the party. That's just one example.
These kids had relatively the same experience growing up, but the youngest gets it how the older two never will.
My youngest two, yes even the two year old, display remorse, and take correction (BD 2 sits in time out simply by being told to, same as BS 10 did. BS 13? NEVER did time out would throw terrible tantrums if I tried. SD was sent to her room with a snack as punishment.
My main beef with the older two is they want no claim in being responsible for their lives. They are at an age where I started to get a lot. They don't. They don't want to. They just don't care.
It's disturbing. Though I would agree with you that many of their peers are the same way, I don't think all of us parents just chalking it all up to teenage culture and hormones is the right thing to do.
I kind of am starting to understand how the parents of the sixties felt when the hippie drug culture started to rise. All that self indulgent narcissism. It's simply out of control, even compared to our generation.
I know that 39 may seem to old to remember teen angst. It isn't. I sympathize and suffered tremendously through my own family trauma. I just talked with my mom tonight and she agrees. We simply didn't do this to our parents at the same rate.
I know I can't run away. I won't, mostly because it would be unfair to my ex and his wife as well as my BS 10. But the fantasy does cross my mind believe me. I can understand the inclination in a way I never did before.
Peace, love, and red wine
Oh and I meant to say...
I'm wondering if keeping kids in elementary grades through grade 8, like private schools do, may help. I am very convinced that the age we dump them into mini high school is a large part of the problem. They are instantly treated like mini adults without the maturity to handle it at all.
Peace, love, and red wine
I really never thought about it but
I really never thought about it but you may have a point here. My BD14 is a freshman now and she went to the same school from preK through 8th grade. Everyone always tells me I just got lucky with her but I don't believe luck has anything to do with it. For a while I thought it was the consistency of my discipline (timeout worked with her). But now that you mention it, you may have a very valid point because for the past 2-3 years DH and I have used the same dicipline on SD6 and SD10, not nearly as effective.
My BD14 grew up an only child until I married when she was 12. Her biodad was never in the picture nor did he pay child support. All the things society tells you should make her a troubled teen and there she is... Straight A student. Hard worker. Very kind and compassionate. The schooling may very well have helped. The classed are smaller (around 25) and her Catholic school was one of the largest in the area (500 total kids from preK to 8th) but still VERY small compared to the middle schools in the area. Not as much "pre-teen" pressure. They wear a uniform so they don't compete with the clothes...
Something to think about.. Now both my SDs are enrolled in the same grammar school my BD attended so I'll have to see how they progress (this is their 3rd year). They are exposed to so much more with the bipolar BM...and they still see her 2 weekends a month. I know you can relate to that
Good luck with it all Zenmom!
SD attended Catholic School
Up til this year, but she got into a lot of trouble. Her class was VERY small (only 8 or 9 girls and a few boys.) They had all been together since K or 2nd grade, and had made enemies of each other. SD pleaded to go to a regular school for more social and extra curricular activities.
I'm thinking now I wish we could afford a larger private school. I am all for uniforms and think that I would chose a public school that enforced a uniform policy if I had a choice. The dress code is ridiculous now. I thought that it was good to allow shorts in elementary school, especially for the boys because it is so hot at school. BUT...the girls can wear tank tops (if the strap is three finger widths) and shorts/minis that are as long as their fingertips when their arms are down (same as Catholic school requirements from SD's school.) They are allowed to wear flip-flops though and questionably tight apparel. We weren't allowed, though designer stuff was in and I remember the pressures of that. SD is just dying to get me into "fashion" and out of Walmart and Target.
I think the difference lies a lot in how tight the girls want their jeans, how far they want to unbutton their shirts, etc. I just threw away the second "incredible" push-up triple padded lacy neon green/pink, hooks in front, T-back so it shows at the shoulders for all the boys to see bra of SD's that BM bought. We tried to be laid back about and stipulated that SD just wear them over there on weekends. But SD continued to push and push, coming back from BM's wearing it to school, then just wearing it all the time.
I finally took this second one away and am taking some advice from someone on here (can't remember who now) who said just throw away inappropriate clothes that come over and SD will stop trying to sneak them in because she doesn't want to lose them.
I am skeptical that she won't still try, but I am doing it from now on.
SD is living in two worlds, and with her PD it's creating more problems than if she had consistent environments I'm sure.
We have threatened to put her back into Catholic school. Maybe for high school. The other problem is that neither BM nor DH practice Catholicism anymore, and DH and I feel it's too hard for her to be hit over the head with a doctrine we don't support.
Peace, love, and red wine
Yeah
what is up with the bras being T-backed? SD15 will pin hers so it somes together like that. Her bra is always showing. I think it is quite tacky.
But
I guess I can not expect too much from her when her mom is middle aged and wearing the same mini skirts and short shorts as kids SD's age. And let me just say, she is not in the kind of shape to be able to pull that looks off if you know what I mean. Ever watch What not to Wear on TLC? NO MINI SKIRTS AFTER 35?!?!?!?!?
Yeah, what is up with this?!
Yeah, what is up with this?! My bf's daughter and her mom (who is about 42) have been wearing each other's clothes since the daughter was 13/14. They both like the same skanked-out, hot to trot look.
I hear ya
I think perhaps it's the BM's wanting a buddy rather than a daughter.
I don't get it. I am not that into fashion, and would rather find things that fit me correctly. I don't dress 40 necessarily, at least the 40 that I remember of my mom and her friends, BUT...I definitely don't dress like I'm still in my teens or twenties either. I try to keep it simple. I would say my taste go toward Rachel Ray (now that she stopped wearing too tight of jeans herself.) Normal clothes that fit your age works best.
BM is a bit stuck in the 80's too, so perhaps that's what we're seeing now that a lot of bad 80's fashion has returned.
Peace, love, and red wine
You are totally right about that
Bm has always been her friend instead of parent. (something we all seem to have a problem with) After the seperation and divorce BM would "confide" in SD (AKA tell her bad stuff about DH to keep her living there) and told her goodness know what info. Something an 8-9 year old should not be having to hear or deal with.
BM confides in SD too...
Not really about us, BUT about her two men she strings along.
Peace, love, and red wine
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