getout's picture

I Hate Hating My Step Daughter

I cant believe that others feel my stress and frustration! I would NEVER go out in person and reveal how much I hate my step daughter. There's just no way to justify it because it's wrong. I just cant help the way I feel and having teenage stepchildren is more difficult because THEY are at and age now where they CAN be held accountable for the sharp knives they stab you in the back with. Their words hurt. What I am struggling with now is how my SD will go out to all of her friends and their parents and discuss how terrible I am. I know this because some of them have had the balls to actually confront me. I have given EVERYTHING to her. I have worked so hard to make our relationship good. But she still hates me and it makes me resent her. I actually have 2 kids of my own and 2 stepchildren and we all live together, but Im focusing on SD right now.

My husband is afraid of her. Not physically, but emotionally. He's afraid that if he puts his foot down he will lose her. I personally dont know what that feels like but the bottom line is her safety and he needs to stop being so selfish. She has an intense relationship with a boy and truly has the propensity to choose boys over her school work, family life and anything else you can imagine. This stems from her mother. She has abandoned her children in an attempt to have a man. And she did this twice to them which is why they live with us. And now my SD is the same way. I worry about her as a human being. I also know that if she gets pregnant, I will be the one raising the baby. Im resentful because no one (except me) wants to run the risk of getting her upset so they let her have her way. She will be leaving for college this summer and I cant wait. I have never been so emotionally stressed out before in my life. This girl knows exactly how to devestate a person. She has perfected it.


Anon2009's picture

Don't focus on SD anymore.

Don't focus on SD anymore. Let her dad handle her. He needs to start facing reality, and truly be the parent she needs and deserves. He is hindering her by not dealing with this issue directly.

Chapter 3, Ecclesiastes, vs. 1-8

Kes's picture

And I am afraid the bad news

And I am afraid the bad news is that as long as your DH fears his daughter ceasing to love him, and puts this before all more pressing considerations, then you are stuffed, my dear. My DH used to be like this, but he eventually saw sense and that he needed to put strong boundaries in place for his own sake and mine, and his difficult daughters. It has by no means sorted all the problems but it means the SDs no longer hold ALL the cards.

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

getout's picture

You are right. I will not

You are right. I will not worry about her anymore and when she gets in trouble I will not worry about that either. My husband says that she IS our child and we WILL help her out but I wont do it. Never in a million years will I sacrifice something I could give to my own children because I'm too busy rasing a baby. I'm only 35. Ok, now that I know what I WANT to do, how do I actually do it?

Kes's picture

You might want to consider

You might want to consider disengaging - a lot of us have found that this is our only option if DHs won't step up and parent firmly. More info at http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

duct_tape's picture

She only pushes your buttons

She only pushes your buttons and controls you because you are making it obvious that you give a rat's ass. Even if you do care, act as if you don't. Don't allow her to call the emotional shots. One of her friends parents has the wrong idea about you? If they confront you, don't be speechless and hurt. Defend yourself and your honor. Tell them she unstable and has issues with lies and stories. Lead them to beleive that she's told some whoppers about them. This girl deserves to get her ass kicked and her dad won't do it. He is choosing her "happiness" over yours. But, you are allowing him to do it. What's the consequence here? Hit back just as hard as she does.

If you make it clear to your husband that you will not be walked on, he will have to consider his life without you, he will step up.

“The level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents.”
- Pam Leo

duct_tape's picture

You have to reach down deep

You have to reach down deep inside and find your mean girl. Surround yourself with your friends and family. Make sure she sees YOUR support system. Lose that person who feels the need to take care of people and for people to like them. Stop talking to her and her friends. Ignore her bad behavior. Let her father find out the things she does all by himself. STOP TELLING ON HER!!! Do not bring up to her father the things you're concerned about. Let him have it all to himself. Become super super focused on your kids and yourself.

Eventually, her father will come to you for help. He will. Tell him you're not interested in helping someone who treats you like crap, lies about you, and hurts you. That this would even be the case if it were YOUR kids. Love you, but no thanks. Reclaim yourself and your life.

“The level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents.”
- Pam Leo

dalhia's picture

oh my dear getout, i was in

oh my dear getout, i was in the exact same spot as you are, in many ways im still there but a little removed, just a little to allow me to see a bit clearer. I read the wise comments of our fellow SM's and i have to agree with them BUT i do know how difficult it is , the stress, the heart burn, the confusion, frustration and the feeling of being alone. i acted as the mom for many years.
my DH does the exact same thing, he cannot set limits, she walks all over him and he always prefer to avoid conflict, to "go with the flow" instead of the harder road of educating a girl that needs limits, rules and hard guidance almost more than air.

you asked how to do it, i did read that article on disengaging. let me tell you that it is very hard but it works.
your SD is not your responsibility
i stopped acting as a mom (SD lives with us full time) and that is HARD, OMG HARD.
there are two types of things ( at least i think so)
things that have to do with SD:
for example: her higiene, her clothing, her homework, her room, the use of the time, how much exercise she does, how mush tv she watches, how healthy is the food she eats, if she took a coat to school, if she is hanging out at a friend's house when she has tons of homework, if her laundry is done, if she has pads for the next period. do you get it? all of the above is DH's problem, i no longer have interest or an opinion about it, i have to bite my tounge at times but...doable.
now, the things that have to do with the family, my self, my son and our money...those things are not things i will disengage from or give out the control and im still having fights with DH about them.
for example:
buying something expensive for SD is decided by both adults
if SD brings friends to the house is decided for both adults
her mess is not all around the house. PERIOD. things will go to the trash
the chores in the house are split equally between SD and my BS and they are respected. PERIOD
if she is disrespectful to my son, there are consequences.
if she is disrespectful to me there are consequences.

now in those last things is where the problems still exist, im not out of the woods yet, im still working. im proud that it could let go of many things but there are some big issues with others.

what works for me is to put my energy in my son, look the othe way as much as possible and pick my battles. if i really fell that something needs my "intervention" i talk to DH and i start by saying " my dear, this one is very important, pelase do not shut down and do not defend SD, im not attaking her, please listen....it doesnt always work..it almost never works Smiling we end up fighting! i think that he HATES for me to basically bring up the fact that his daughter has him by the balls ( i would never tell him that, but you know what i mean)

dalhia

plzstepback's picture

Give DH the health insurance

Give DH the health insurance cards, doctors and dentist phone numbers, school records and numbers. Tell him he is on his own and that you will no longer be handling things for him or Sd anymore. Focus on your life and YOUR kids lives. Cook whatever you like, do everyones laundry but hers, clean only your areas but not hers. Completely disengage. Let dad handle everything and step back and watch. No more buying cards or presents for him to give to his SD. No more remmebring special events or days for him. DO not help him where she is concerned at all. he will fall apart and quickly. I have done this and it works. If anyone says anything to you just refer them to your Dh or say "you should ask DH he is in charge of those things now". Live your happy and free life and see how quickly he turns to you!

961Hannah's picture

I feel for you - I feel the

I feel for you - I feel the same way about my SD18. I don't want to be "that person" who tells my DH its either her or I. I read the Disengaging thing....really some good thoughts on there. But it doesn't address teenage stepchildren - the ones who can care for themselves and do whatever they want whenever they want. It is so hard to not resent someone whom you have put your heart in soul into having a positive relationship with them only to get crapped on in the end.

I have no answers for you - or really any advice. Just know that I am in the same boat as you with the "hate hating my SD" feeling. It sucks!

CDalla's picture

I do not know if it is hate?

I do not know if it is hate? Try disengagement that yes that causes guilt. I cannot stress enough how much disengaging helps. Your SD has 2 parents already. They are the people responsible for where she is at. Draw up boundaries in your head with respect to your responsibilities. Keep checking those. If your DH wanted custody then he already took responsibility and needs to own that. if he has 50% responsibility like mine then that is what he is responsible for. Not you! You are responsible to love your husband and your children and to support your husband as he parents. You are responsible to make sure that his child is comfortable and treated well in your home. I bet you do that! We have to stop ourselves getting too wrapped up in these situations.

CLT's picture

I cant stand my SD - she is

I cant stand my SD - she is 17 1/2 and acts like 14.... My husband is the most wonderful guy n the world but not her almost adult daughter who has been living with us for the last year bc she was using drugs, failed HS and was drinking too much back home with her mom she they decided to send to live with her dad for a second chance as she said it- so far -she wasn't able to get into at regular HS bc she was behind in credits (we made a move to a bigger house to accommodate her to be close to HS) but no - now she is going to an alternative HS where they just told us she will be out as soon as she turns 18 bc she failed all her classes - hmm photography, history, english, PT and math.. only 5 classes and she failed, 5 hours a day was her life for 1 year doing NOTHING after school (dad drover her in the morning and paid a friend of her 5 dlls for a 5 minutes ride every day) bc she refuses to take the bus but she scare (not scare of sneaking out in the night- smoking) - besides failing school, she got in a car accident in another state where she went with 2 boys- we stupidly tough she has with a friend having fun at the beach... got drunk several times, caught her smoking pot at home (several times) cigarettes, beer, things got stolen from home and she denies- it was her friends, she is LAZY insolent- never cleans her room- her bathroom is disgusting -dirty periods underwear- and what her dad does- cleans for her, treat her like a baby, knowing she was failing HS he decides to send her to prom (the alternative school she goes was invited to prom) so he goes and spend like 400 for prom - please.. she is gone for the last 3 weeks with her mom and i know she is coming back soon and im so stress out again... the yelling (her side) lying, cant leave the house alone bc we don't trust her- i used to love her not anymore... she is a manipulative, liar, 2 faces.... we have told her she will have to move out if she doesnt do something like go to school, get a job (as she said she applied and i found the applications under her bed) supposedly she is going to get her GED (so far she hasn't study in 2 months bc is summer and she needs to have fun) and as soon her dad tell her to grow up- she cries and acts like a baby and he gives in- i don't have any kids and im getting really tired of this -

just tired's picture

My SD15 does the same

My SD15 does the same shit....goes around talking smack about me to her friends, and it ALWAYS gets back to me & bites her in the butt every single time.

Here's the deal: you cannot control other people...what they say...what they do...their attitudes...none of it. The only thing you can control is YOU & your reactions. Stop giving a shit what she says or does. You didn't bring her ungrateful ass into this world, she's not your responsibility.

Disengage.

Coya's picture

Ugh, I know how you feel. You

Ugh, I know how you feel. You want so badly to love them and nurture them but they simply won't let you! My SD spreads rumors about me and my children as well, it actually was so bad at one point that I had to send them to different schools. This helped a lot of it, but the places we still go together she is ruthless with her gossip. SO many people believe her, it's unreal. Its frustrating, but I figure any mature adult that believes crap from a troubled teen without questioning any of it isn't really someone I'd like to spend time with anyway.

jojo68's picture

OMG...I know how you feel...I

OMG...I know how you feel...I want so badly to love my SD12...I want her to love and respect me but that is so not ever going to happen. She thinks that the BM who practicly abandon her is perfect and I am the bitch that keeps her father from beingher full-tool (this does not come from BM...this is all SD12). She ignores me for the most part and treats me like I am so insignificant that I don't exist when she is around. I would like nothing more than for us to be friends and do things together. But I just don't like the person she is. I feel so guilty...

"Never allow someone to be your priority when you are only their option"

Takie12's picture

I'm glad to know I'm not

I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I am secretly glad this is sd17 last year in high school. She is disrespectful and lazy and things the world revolves around her. DJ and I have been married for almost 2 years now and have dated for 4 years. It was never intended for DH 3 kids to move into MY home with my Bd8. His kids are 21 who is away at college 17 16 and 6. We just had a child together who is 4 months old now. I feel these kids never had any structure. They are sloppy and immuture and goofy. They think that being a hard core thug is cool when fact is it makes u look so dumb but they don't get that. Long story short my main issue is sd17 who has no respect and her mom is a bum who depends on welfare and her daughter part time job paycheck to support her. I either want they mom to come get all of them and def ready for sd17 to get out my house