mickayla78's picture

11 year old sleeping in grandfathers bed

So ever since my step daughter was born she has been sleeping with her grandfather in his bed. me and my husband has always thought it was inappropriate but her mother is the one who sends her there to my husbands fathers house knowing she's sleeping in the same bed. We have talked to the mother and told her it needs to stop she's older now she needs to sleep in her own bed or we don't want her sleeping there. So her mother blew it our of porportion and told his father and my step daughter we don't want her sleeping there ever again. Well still to this day she sleeps over there all the time and in her grandfathers bed. Me and my husband are not sure what to do we are the only ones that see it as inappropriate. My husbands father is not the type of person to talk to either he is a very mean and grumpy man and he has been infactuated with her since she was born so he has no intentions of ever changing. He saves everything of hers since she was born. My husband hates going back and forth to court it causes more headaches then good so anyone know of anything else we can do?


mickayla78's picture

We have asked her in a easy

We have asked her in a easy way like when you guys sleep in the same bed it don't bother you and make you feel uncomfortable and she says no she'd rather sleep there then the couch and that's why she does. I just don't understand why her mother let's her do it and doesn't talk to her about inappropriate it is and tell her to sleep on the couch when she goes there. We can't discliple her because its her mom who let's her sleep with him and she don't care she sees nothing wrong with it.

mickayla78's picture

A teddy cam is a good idea

A teddy cam is a good idea but she goes from her moms house so we couldn't even be sure she'd bring it. But lol we would like one.

herewegoagain's picture

I don't think every man out

I don't think every man out there is a pedophile. That does not mean that there are not pedophiles, but really, I think american society has gone way overboard with the kids...including this issue. At 11, if there was something going on, odds are that kid would be giving some indication of it. If there was something going on, even at your house when she slept alone, she would wake up crying in the middle of the night or having nightmares or something...if that's not happening and she seems ok with it and happy go lucky, I think there is nothing to worry about. Would I allow such a thing if the man was not related to the girl in any way? No. Would I allow it with any man? No. Dad or grandpa? I think it would depend on how I see that girl react towards those people when she's not in bed. That's a good indication. You hear these horror stories of dads and grandpas abusing girls...fact is, that most of those moms saw many signs and didn't do anything about it...

whatsup

TheBrightSide's picture

1 in 3 girls will be abused

1 in 3 girls will be abused in some way by the time they are 18 years old. (1 in 5 boys). And likely by someone they know and trust.

DeeDeeTX's picture

I know in some cultures it is

I know in some cultures it is much more appropriate/accepted for generations to sleep in the same bed. Are these immigrants to this country from a culture where it is more accepted (I hope?)

mickayla78's picture

no they are not immigrants

no they are not immigrants

mickayla78's picture

I do agree if he was touching

I do agree if he was touching her she's old enough to say something and we've never seen any signs of abuse but its just the thought if an 11 year old file sleeping with her grandfather.

PeanutandSons's picture

Why isn't your Dh comfortable

Why isn't your Dh comfortable enough to talk to his father about this? Why is bm taking her to Dh father?

stormabruin's picture

Regardless of how your DH

Regardless of how your DH feels about going to court (nobody likes it) he needs to do it. If the grandfather doesn't have a place for SD to sleep, she needs to not spend the night there.

At 11 years old, she needs to be taught to respect & expect privacy. Of course, if the man were touching her there are abuse issues. But even if he isn't, she needs to be taught the importance of keeping her body private & she needs to be taught what is & what is not appropriate. Sleeping with her grandfather...or any other man, is not.

ETA: Obviously talking with BM hasn't resolved the issue. Your Dh needs to go to court & have something put in the order.

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

mickayla78's picture

Again my husbands father is a

Again my husbands father is a GRUMPY old man and he don't care what we think. We have tried talking to him but of course we are wrong and he will do it anyway. The grandfather has been obsessed with her since she was born my husband does not have the best relationship with him because frankly he's a jerk. But his father has a better relationship with his daughters mother because his fathers worried about being cut out of her life so he keeps civil with her anyone else in the world including me and my children which are also his grandchildren he treats like shit and he don't care.

mickayla78's picture

If it were even up to us she

If it were even up to us she wouldn't be sleeping there at all. She tells us how when he gets angry he calls her names and yells all the time but she still likes going there to see him.

Echo's picture

You're not sure what to do?

You're not sure what to do? You call CPS, that's what you do. This is INCREDIBLY inappropriate.

There's no sense in your DH talking to his Dad. This man already knows his son doesn't like this little girl sleeping with him and yet it continues. That's the Grandfathers way of saying he plans on continuing to sleep with this developing girl.

CPS. Before close of business today. To do anything less is to condone what's going on in that household.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Blaze's picture

I agree w/ you Echo. I was on

I agree w/ you Echo. I was on the fence about this one but once I heard he is "abusive" to the granddaugher (calling her names when he gets angry is not acceptable) then yes, he is definitely wrong. my stepdaugher just started her period on her 11th b-day and he is developing EVERYWHERE. I would not feel right as a parent w/ her sleeping in the bed w/ anyone. she needs privacy, giving the grandad the benifit of doubt. BTW is grandad married (just curious as to what he so would think/ her opinion on the matter)

momagainfor4's picture

When my bf and I started

When my bf and I started dating and I realized he was still letting his 10/11 year old daughter sleep with him from time to time, I told him..it's inappropriate. Even if you don't see anything wrong with it and it's perfectly legit.... why give someone ammunition to use against you?
After that, he made one comment about us traveling together and how she needs to have her own bed after she commented that she could share with him.
He said.. you are too big for that now, and people frown when they see girls your age sleeping in the same bed as their dad!

Ok, I totally agree with that. It's just not the thing to do.
On a second note, why would a man want to wake up next to his daughter or grandchild everyday with his "morning Hello!!"?? Really? It's just weird. I know sometimes by bf has to have a minute to adjust himself if she runs into our room before we are awake and out of bed good.
He's told her now, you just go chill and we'll be there in a minute. It't not that he's excited, it's just how most guys wake up. Kids start to notice stuff like that around that age. I'd be mortified if I was 12. Besides.. there needs to be pressure directly on the kid. Tell her it's weird. Make comments about how you bet her friends don't sleep with their grandpa's. After a bit it'll sink in.

imaSmom's picture

Do you guys ever think the

Do you guys ever think the notion of a child sleeping with an adult as inappropriate because of your culture?

My dd3 is 3 and when I am away at night my daughter sleeps between my mother and my stepfather and I am okay with this.

My parents insist that she sleep with them because they feels it's safer than her sleeping in our room by herself. My nephew is 5 and it is the same way. If he is the only child in the home at bedtime he knows he is sleeping with my mom and stepfather.

My step father loves my daughter likes his own, and I only address him as my stepfather on here. He is my father in life and my nephew and daughter have no clue he is married into the family. I was 16 when he came along and gave him hell and he still cares for and loves my daughter like his own grandchild.

I am totally okay with my daughter sleeping with my stepdad--and if she at an older age ever went through some small trauma, (nightmare/night terror etc) and wanted to sleep with him I would be okay with that.

My daughter also sleeps with my ex grandparents--the have just begun seeing her on the regular basis so I know this is just a phase for them. She is comfortable in her own room at their house and usually goes straight there upon arrival.

I dunno, I honestly think this whole "it's inappropriate, call CPS' mentality is a westernized mentality that really the outside world does not understand. I don't get it. The rest of the planet does not live like this. Only in America.

The freedom, the strength, the will to do as I damn well please.

Echo's picture

Why would a 3 year old be

Why would a 3 year old be unsafe in her own room?

We happen to BE in America. Thus the mind set.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

imaSmom's picture

I live with my parents and my

I live with my parents and my daughter and I share the room so not everything in there is kid friendly.

There is no way of me knowing where every poster is posting from. Maybe she is posting from Canada or the UK--heck, I don't know. 'WE' may live in America, that does not mean I have to accept or adopt every single one of America's ideals, lifestyles, etc.

My daughter has her own room at her my ex grandparents house.
Not at my home.

There is a long story behind why I live with my parents, but since I know I am going to get the question--it is because there home went into pre foreclosure and they needed a lot of help financially to save it. My rent at the time was $1250--I couldnt make my rental payments and send money to them at the same time so I subleased my apartment and moved back home with them to help save the house. It'll be paid off in 3 years--I'll be moving again once the home is paid off.

The freedom, the strength, the will to do as I damn well please.

mickayla78's picture

No he never remarried his ex

No he never remarried his ex wife left because if his anger issues. I actually called cps this morning and they said as long as there's no signs of foul play then there is nothing they can do. There's no law saying she can't sleep in the same bed. I did say to her how I think its really gross but I will talk to her again when she comes this weekend. I'll even have her ask one of her friends what they think of girls their age sleeping in the and bed as their grandfather and let her see what they say.

3littlemonkeys's picture

DH should be speaking to his

DH should be speaking to his father about this, not the BM.
Since DH cannot control what BM or his father does, I think that he should speak openly and frequently to his DD about "good touches" and "bad touches." He shouldn't accuse anyone or ask any pointed questions, but open up the dialogue and make it clear that DD is safe telling him anything.
I think it's a little weird, but I never co-slept with my kids. I agree that I think it's a cultural thing to some degree, but even the western "pioneers" would all share a bed. I think that the prevalence of child abuse makes parents wary.

imaSmom's picture

@3monkeys <-- This is exactly

@3monkeys <-- This is exactly what I think should be happening. It is horrible to suggest rape/molestation/bad touching when there is none. Some people are just comfortable sleeping with their kids. It is natural. Before all of these studies and stuff came out, people did it frequently and without fear of being accused of being a rapist molester. I am positive if I told my stepfather sleeping with my daughter is 'inappropriate' there is only one way he would take that and he would be horribly offended, hurt and disgusted by that implication. He would probably not even want to be in the same room with my daughter alone again if I approached him like that.

The word 'inappropriate' has major negative connotations. It's one of those words that 'say things without you really saying it' so it begs the question, "what are you implying exactly??"

I am simply stating a different perspective. I know the dynamic in my family. I understand each individual. Some of them may be a bit too sensitive, but they are people that I love and care about and I would never want to put them in such an awkward and uncomfortable position. This IS his grandchild, he is allowed to share special bonding moments with her, I would not interfere with that or suggest that he is being inappropriate because they are asleep in the same bed.

The freedom, the strength, the will to do as I damn well please.

TheBrightSide's picture

"Before all of these studies

"Before all of these studies and stuff came out, people did it frequently and without fear of being accused of being a rapist molester".

Just because we have spent more time gathering statistics, doesn't mean children, boys and girls, were being abused any less.

mickayla78's picture

I understand that they should

I understand that they should be spending quality bonding time but not in the same bed and yes inappropriate is a strong word and I am implying that an 11 year old girl grandfather or no grandfather sleeping with an older man is disturbing to think about to me. When I say I think it is inappropriate I am implying that he should be telling her to sleep on the couch and not cuddling with him in his bed. And the 11 year old who thinks its ok to sleep and cuddle with her 60 year old something grandfather is not ok. Her mother should not be letting her do this and should tell her to sleep on the couch or not stay there. But there is nothing we can do because she does it on her mothers time not ours so our word means nothing. Even before when it was our day and we did'nt take my stepdaughter that weekend for one reason or another the mother would send her to her grandfathers house ALL THE TIME. We don't have any control over it if shes with her mother though.

TheBrightSide's picture

^^and common sense prevails^^

^^and common sense prevails^^

NotSureAnymore's picture

I think your DH needs to sit

I think your DH needs to sit down and discuss a few things with his daughter. There are ways to approach children when asking them about sexual abuse - you can access this info through a psych or counsellor. They will give you advice regarding appropriate questions that dont seem to be 'leading' a child comments into instances of abuse. Then you will have the necessary information to take further action if needed.
IF there is no instance of abuse, than I would suggest discussing with your SD the importance of not 'sharing' bed space with anyone as she is starting to get older and needs to respect 'adult' space. Its not her fault that this has kept on going on despite the fact that your DH is against this. It doesnt matter what culturally is acceptable - your DH's value is that his child doesnt sleep with his father.
Also, another factor that can be addressed is why your DH is so apprahensive about his father sleeping in the same bed as his daughter. Men are less inclined to expose instances of abuse/sexual abuse from their parent than women are - because of the level of shame and 'its just not spoken about' attitude. Be gentle though in your questioning and that is just a part of your mutual concern and need to know further.

"Being a lesbian is much easier"