Step Talk

My H stopped coparenting when they turned 18. At 18 our kds were capable of having an intelligent conversation and starting to manage their own lives. We took BM out of our loop completely. Yes, there is hope, but your H needs to disengage and you need to teach him how if your relationship is going to survive. Of course its about control and have you noticed that BM, sometimes, wants the after divorce relationship to mimic their marriage.

I do not believe any coparenting is necessary when the kids become adults. There may be events like weddings and such that will cause some overlap between parents but the kids are already raised and should have relationships with each parent independent of the other parent.

(which should have been 18) DH is going to have to put his foot down to tell BM to stop "harassing" him. Period.

I am not sure if this is a two-way street between your DH & his EX. If it is then DH may want to continue interacting with the BM. If not then DH needs to calmly and clearly explain that he no longer needs or wants to have contact with BM. To me, this should be done in writing, sent Certified with Return Rcpt with Restricted Delivery, in case you need to use it as a reference point for other things if neccessary (ie. restraining order).

The only reason I can think of to maintain contact is IF a court order is still in play. Say for example college funds are provided by DH or the child is handicap and the order stipulates that DH maintain support, etc. If not then cut ALL ties to the BM.

If BM is bothering you by phone----change your numbers. Most phone companies will change your number free of charge if you let them know that you are being harrassed. If BM comes by your house, have your original request letter in hand with an addendum stating that BM is not to come on your property again because it is trepassing---the next time BM does step foot on your property have DH (and DH only) call the cops. IMO, BM has been full warned---now all you have to do is show her you mean business.

"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."

None! Of course if the kid is still living in one of the parents homes, I guess that some level of communication will have to happen, but I would think that it would be minimal.

Sounds like the boundaries have changed and no one informed the BM! "Adult" skids don't need the hawkish parenting that little ones do. After 18, it crosses the border into "enabling" territory if parents don't take a step back.

BM may be stepping up the parenting conversations with your DH out of a need to stay in control of her kids and her ex. That's not healthy for anyone. Your DH needs to inform her that the rules have changed, their child is now an adult, and that he won't continue co-parenting at the level it was previously. Then he has to stick with what he says!

All easier said than done. I wish you the best

I'm counting down the visitation days and child support payments until this is over. To say that it isn't over at 18/19 kills my hope of exiling BM out of the picture!! Asides from a wedding or if SD gets pregnant..that means no more BM forever, right?

I was counting the days to 18 too, but unfortunately the little princess (SD18) keeps getting herself in so much trouble that BM still calls - every other week the little ho is either pregnant or in jail (she hasn't ever actually BEEN pregnant - just loves the drama of announcing it and scaring the crap out of everybody). Bad enough she was never taught to be responsible, now that she's a full-grown "woman" her mother is determined to stay in the picture and keep scapegoating my DH for her kid's problems. Further, if it's not the BM calling, it's the princess herself - "Hi Daddy - just called to tell you I'm on my way to court." So nonchalant... like she's on her way to the mall or something.

To make a short story long - there is one relatively decent skid in the batch who's 22 now and BM doesn't call about him - so in my own experience, if they were truants and juvey hall residents under 18, they're likely going to be deadbeats and criminals as adults so BM will stillllllll be in the picture. I would expect if the decent one ever gets married, etc. he'll call his dad on his own.

Blueberry's Baby

I have 34 and 35 sk, now it is sgk. The sk wants the parents to pretend they are co-grandparenting. They act like the divorce should not effect what they want to give their kids.
The ex still wants to throw advice our way.
The ex involves herself in the ex family to inform the sk personal matters.
They live states away and know more then our next door neighbors.
So there is no hope for your future unless you get a say so in your life.
Both SK married partners with divorced parents, so the circus keeps growing.
I have always put up with her nonsense, but I finally got my fill. It has hurt the relationship I want with the kids and grandkids.

I was sincerely hoping high school would be the end of it. And, I'll be honest, now that all three are in college, our contact with her has dropped SIGNIFICANTLY. However, she still is an albatross around our necks.

Where as we told the girls when they turned 18 that the divorce decree no longer applied and that the visitation schedule was no longer required, their BM apparently doesn't feel this way. We told them it's up to THEM to go where they want, do what they want, and see who they want. For instance, if it's "our" Thanksgiving and there's something going on with their mother's family, they should feel free to go. It's perfectly okay with us. Not her.

She is SO involved in their lives, SO demanding, that she sucks the oxygen out of any room she's in. I can't tell you how FRUSTRATING it is. We can't plan anything can't do anything without their BM being "consulted." If they are here, they are either on their cell phone with her or IM'ing her on the computer. When they make a decision in their lives (declaring a major, quitting their job, etc.) we are told that they've "already talked to Mom" -- in essence telling us our opinion is not needed or wanted. Even in matters that don't involve her, they feel they MUST get her opinon.

So, I feel for you. I know it's hard. I wish I could tell you that at some point it goes away. So far, it hasn't and, to be frank, I'm depressed as hell about it. After 13 years, I thought there would be a point where we could have a life. Apparently not.