Step Talk

talk to your SO when the kids aren't around about this. I had the same problem with my BD and my fiancee, she tried to pull the "you're not my dad so you can't tell me what to do" act. Her dad really hasn't been around either and I think thats part of it. But I back my fiancee up when he asks her to do something and back him when she needs to be disciplined. If I disagree I wait until kids aren't around to discuss things with him. His son doesn't listen to me at all so I let him deal with his son alone, I won't help care for a spoiled kid. But it took my daughter months to get used to a "father figure" being around and telling her what to do...if mom doesn't want to back you up let her deal with her daughter...you should read the thread about disengaging..it may help you out! Good Luck

If your spouse undermines your authority in front of the child, I would talk to her about that privately and explain that you need to be a team, like Sixxn said. If spouse will not do that, I would let her deal with any problems or issues that arise, and you go on about your own business and away from SD until it directly affects you or your other child.

Sorry, but this is just a bump in the road, her understanding will come . . .

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Thanks for the feedback all that the approach i have been tryinh to take we will see how it works out.. Thanks again!!!

with her?? That makes SD little more than a baby when you started in their lives? You call her your daughter which is lovely. Is this something new that has started? I would think if you have been there this long, the little girl would think of you as her dad, am I right? Sorry for all the questions but it seems strange this far down the road and the fact that you have been there for her for so long, that mum would disagree now.

My theory with my long road and final success would be that I stood up and told my SS and DH, that if I can not be a parent when the rules are handed out then I can not be part of SS when he wants, needs or asks for something. For me it's all or nothing. I will not be there to do pick ups and shop runs and cook and clean, if I can't tell SS to turn off a light he switched on or tell him it's time for a shower. So off i went and hid from them both when he was here and that made my DH listen.

Obviously since you live with SD it's a little difficult to do that. But same goes really, you can't do all the nice dad things and not the bad ones too can you? I don't like it when my DH constantly picks on my BS and I tell him so, I monitor BS's behaviour and decide if he deserves Dh to go off on him, if I disagree, I tell DH later and he usually understands &/or apologises. Good luck, but it's mum who needs to see what she is doing, she is helping your daughter see she can play you off against each other and this will make her behaviour with you worse.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Simply put, (in Guy Speak) If She's "Not Yours" then so be it...SHe isn't Yours when She wants or needs any of the following :
Money for Feildtrips
New Clothes/Shoes/Jacket
Rides to or from somewhere
Bike/Toy/Furniture Repair or Assembly
Food made
Anything Else

If You aren't a Parental Figure, and Respected as such, then She isn't Your Responsibility. Your SO will get the idea sooner or later, especially if You Stand Up and Tell Her, "If I am Not A Parent to SD, then I WILL NOT BE A CONVENIENCE..."

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Have to say, I liked your attitude of "Not Yours". Being in a blended family is tough enough without all parties involved setting up too many boundaries...All for one, One for all, right?
Nice to see SF post like this one. Just proves that all Steps whether Moms or Dad's just want to be respected and acknowledged and are not just a "convenience".
Well Said.

Sometimes I have to bite my tongue when hubby scoulds one our children and gives a punishment that I don't agree with, but, we also had the discussion of not challenging authority in front of the kids.

Our kids are older and they know what mom will say yes to and what dad will say yes to, so they figure it out quickly.

I'm sure you will find a way to deal with this issue with you SO, before it becomes a major deal., Keep us informed on how it goes.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Well I am the Biological mother and my daughter had just turned 4 when my husband was introduced into our lives. It took about a year for us to get things straight, but it took everyone's cooperation in the matter to include the Biological dad. My daughter tried the your not my dad bull crap and her dad found it amusing and fine, but I put a quick hault to the situation. We all sat down (despite our likes and dislikes) and discussed the roles we would each play in discipline. I did have to stand up big time for my husband, but soon the my daughter's father realized the importance of our roles when he found himself in my husband's situation with his girlfriend. After we worked out the "this and thats" of everything we sat down with Alicia and told her that yes he is not your dad, but he is an adult and you will respect him as such. She has learned "yes ma'am, yes sir" and it has transitioned into school and other situations in which other adults are present. It was a very rough transition, but a wonderful learning experience.
Onto having biological siblings in the house with step kids, well we have that as well My husband and I will have our own, and we do have more strict standards than the standards set for my first. Since we agreed on certain standards My husband and I will be more strict with ours due to our agreement in beliefs. Unfortunately the children will be treated a little differently, but working together with all parties is more important than small differences in parenting.
Things are running very smoothly especially since rules from home to home are nearly the same as my daughter goes back and forth she doesn't have to worry about is that ok here, but not there....
Good luck!

I agree with the above! You are right!

My husband and I have custody of his twelve year old son. The reason for this is because his mother could not handle his behavior problems. His behavior is leaps and bounds better then when he first came to live with us over a year ago because of my husbands discipline and our unity. My husband is very supportive of respecting me and he backs me up no matter what! Recently, my husband left out of state for work handling insurance adjusting for the hurricanes. He may be gone for some time. Because he is the one who normally disciplines my stepson when needed, he has been very defiant. Today he "ran away" because he "hated me and didn't want to live with me". I need some suggestions on how to handle him but also keep my household from being terrorized by his actions. I have two other small children that I don't want thinking this is acceptable behavior.....anyone?