last night H and I went to eat at a friend's restaurant, which was so annoying, because the place was packed and we didn't have a table, and everytime a table was cleared, H let whoever was behind us in line go sit down first, so we waited at least half an hour before we could even sit down.
And we were supposed to be there by six, but ended up being late, because SS was going to his mom's and we had to feed him first- Because she doesn't even feed the kids at her house. She can't even bother herself to cook for them
SD is still gone in Florida, but last night H said that he thinks she'll be home earlier than what was planned, because she's getting bored there. Instead of making her stay the whole time, he'll just change her ticket. Life is so much easier with her not around.
I asked H if I could please switch closets with him, so that I'll have my own space, because I don't have my own place in the house, and if it doesn't seem important to him, then he should be the one to go without it. Makes sense to me....but he said no. He said that he's not moving out of his closet.
I told him that I want him to just acknowledge then, that I am the only person in the house who does not have a closet of their own and some private space. He said "for now that's just the way it is"
last night, for the second time, he blew up at me for leaving my clothes on the bathroom floor. he said, again, that i did it on purpose just to make him yell at me so that I could bring up the stuff that SD does.
I didn't do it on purpose. That's all, I just plain didn't. But the fact that he cleans up her nasty maxi pads, food wrappers, etc that she leaves all over our room without saying a word, and then blows up on me for leaving some clothes pisses me off.
So, he told me to never bring up his kids in an argument, that I don't know what or if he says anything to her.
He said something about my son, I can't remember what it is, something about how H doesn't get all over me every time my son does something wrong. I pointed out the fact that when my son does something that is wrong or that offends or bothers H, I correct him, and make him apologize and make him clean up after himself. Even if my son doesn't listen to me, H can see that I'm making the effort. I don't expect H to control his daughter, I just want to see the effort, and think I deserve to.
I told him, I know 100% that he doesn't say anything to her, and again, that next time she makes a mess in our room, he had better be yelling at her the way he yelled at me.
I told him that my therapist says it's not fair and not right, and that I do talk to other people about it, and they also tell me it's not right, and so I know that I have the right to be upset.
He said he's going to get on her case also. I don't believe him, and am sure that it will cause major fights, because she'll make a mess, and I'll be asking him why he isn't yelling at her, and then he'll get mad and I'll be the bad guy.
I went to kohl's and bought three sweaters for myself at extremely marked down prices. We'll see how long before she starts wearing them. I bought them in size small, hoping they won't fit her, since she's a large, but she will fit herself in somehow, no matter how ridiculous she looks.
I had gone in looking for some cheap make-up kits, at the after christmas prices, because I want to leave them on my bathroom counter, since I don't ever leave my more expensive make-up laying out. I keep everything at work, and keep a few things in my purse, and I keep my purse by my side at all times. It's a really stupid way to live.
Yesterday we were at a health club, and H tried to make me feel stupid in front of one of his friends. What's new?
Tonight, supposedly, I'll be alone because my son and SD are gone, and H left on a business trip, plus SS is supposedly supposed to go to his mom's, but I bet he'll stay home and then I'll have to cook for him and deal with driving him places.
I really hope that he'll go. Of course, I'll have to drive him there, because his mother won't do those things.
Today H picked up his ex so that they could go together and discuss SS's evaluation by a psychologist. I don't know why she bothers to go. She isn't a parent. She calls H on the phone every single day, and talks to him more than the kids, and also, she only has her son over about once a week for two hours at a time, but she won't pick him up, won't drop him off, and won't feed him.
I am sure that I'll get stuck taking care of him tonight.
Just say NO!
How old is the SS? Is he capable of making a sandwich or a bowl of cereal and toast? There's dinner for him. He can do it on his own. If he's supposed to go to the BM's, tell him to call her for a ride. If he doesn't go be/c she won't pick him up, cozy up in a favorite spot in your house and pretend like you're perfect strangers. You can do it!
he's 15. i was doing
he's 15. i was doing everything for myself years earlier. this is why i really don't understand this. i can say no, and i have. they get mad at me every time.
in my house, my mom would cook one dinner, everyone ate it, that's it. if someone didn't like it, they could get themselves some cereal, so what? but in this house, we cook at least three seperate things per meal. one thing for H and I. And SD will eat with us if she's around- then we have to make something else for his son, and something else for my son. it's stupid.
the fact that they want me to pick him up back and forth from his mom's instead of her doing it, is what drives me nuts. my therapist told me that it's stupid. She said "that has nothing to do with you"
One advise....
You have the right to have your own space. You also have the right to some respect. Why is SD using your make up and wearing your clothes?
She uses my things no matter
She uses my things no matter what I do. I have asked her many times to ask me before she used something, and not to take my things out of the house where I can't get to them..I wouldn't really have a problem if she used my makeup, the problem is that she will put my makeup, perfumes, etc in her purse and take them, and when I go to use it, there's nothing there.
And H will not allow me to use locks, to have my own closet, nothing. He just wants me to work it out with her, and I have tried many times, but she has no respect. And I have even tried to hide things, but when she found what I'd hidden, she literally took half of it, stuffed it into a bag, and locked it in her car. I had to take the key while she was sleeping and steal my own stuff back.
So the only way to resolve this problem is to move out into my own place the way her mother did.
We asked him if he wanted to
We asked him if he wanted to come with us, and he wouldn't- definitely, SS is capable of making things for himself, and he has before, but he'll choose to go hungry and wait for someone to make it for him instead of getting up from his game. And I often tell H that I'm not going to do it, and that SS should do it himself- but then H just does it. He has a real problem with thinking that kids shouldn't have to do anything to take care of themselves or help out in the house.
I am not defending your H ...
What I am seeing here is a severe case of passive agressive behavior.
I used to do these things to Steve and still find myself slipping back into it when I am angry. No matter what you do he will find you to be the one that's wrong and he will continue to hurt, belittle, and alienate you for these perceived wrongs. He is most likely feeling powerless and caught in the middle and hurting because he doesn't want to take sides but is being forced to. The best thing in the world for me and steve was when he actually put himself in my shoes and took the time to listen toi and UNDERSTAND my side of things. Once I knew he understood how his behavior hurt my kids and therefore hurt me and made me defensive for me and my kids I was able to bring back RATIONAL AND LOGICAL discussion between us in regards to us and the kids.
This doesn't mean everything is all better. I still get defensive and "protect" myself and my kids when I think I need to. He still thinks I am letting them get away with too much and not disciplining or showing him respect. BUT we are able to talk easier now and work through it better.
One other similarity I see here is the fact that you are "not allowed to have your own space".
I wouldn't give Steve his own space until I felt sure that he MIGHT stay for a while because my kids were safe from his "emotional/verbal abuse"
It took all I had to compomise and tell him to take over a part of the house (room/closet/basement/attic etc...) and this would be his place to "escape" we were not allowed in it woithout invitation and he could have anything he wanted in there and decorate it any way he was comfortable. Once he had this personal space to escape to he relaxed a little knowing that he had some control over something in his life.
Maybe you could tell H that if you had a place to "run and hide" when you "feel the urge to get upset over little things"(in his opinion), then you would be able to be a better person for him and the kids. I can almost guarantee that he will jump at the chance to give you your own space, to save him and his kids from what he sees as your irrational outbursts.
Good luck with such an overwhelming topic that is hurting everyone involved. If you want to PM me I can help more with his side of things so you know how to approach it more successfully. I'm sure Steve wouldn't mind talking to you about how it feels to be in your shoes and how he handled/handles my immaturity.
GOD Bless
Lisa Dawn
this has got me thinking
this has got me thinking about a lot of things, and not sure where to start.
i do think that i am passive aggressive, because i would rather get back at him and SD in a silent way. i don't like fighting with them, mainly because they join together against me, no matter how it started, or what's right and wrong. even if she does something that is clearly wrong, he's still on her side, ready to "protect" her from me. i used to use his credit card to buy things, and he was responsible to pay it. so if she took something i bought, it wasn't so bad, because i didn't use my own hard earned money. if i was upset that she took something from me, i would just go buy something new to replace it.
but now he stopped letting me use his card. i still have it, but he would yell at me for any charge that he sees. so i don't use it. now everything i buy for myself is with my own money. so when she takes something, i want him to pay to replace it. but he refuses. so i started hiding things. and she found and stole them. when i told him about it, he said "sure" as if he doesn't believe me.
i'm so hurt and unable to talk to either of them, because they will always turn on me. so i'm thinking all the time of ways to get back at them.
about the space thing, it's true. i want somewhere that is mine, that i can put what i want and decorate how i want, and where i can keep my own things, and they will stay there unless i move them. but he refuses. so now i've taken to storing things in my office. how weird is that going to look, if someone ever opens my office drawers and finds make-up, hair items, perfume, even some clothes....
i don't see what is so wrong with having a place of one's own. there isn't anything wrong with wanting that. but he will not let me have it.
i think that you and your H at least in the end had a situation where you were willing to talk about problems rationally? i'm afraid we never will. he just wants me to accept the way things are, and to give up. i almost wish i could give up, too, and just not feel attached to my possessions and not care if she takes them. but i can't.
so i don't know what to do next.
except leave, which isn't an option for me for the next few months.
in the past, i wanted to work things out. but i think that i'm close to having fallen completely out of love. not because of the things SD has done, but because H has continuously refused to help me. when you have a partner who will not be a partner, who wants you to give up and just do whatever makes his kids happy, and suffer silently, and never even gives you the comfort of saying "i understand why you're upset"....what can you do?
but i'm going to read your blog because i do see alot of similarities as well
UGH!
My 12 and 14 year old sons can feed themselves when they have to and
the fact that he refuses to give you his closet.the whole thing makes me feel sick for you. I am glad you are trying to point things out to him BUT he is not only not willing to hear but he does not seem to care.
"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard
that's the thing- the
that's the thing- the problem itself is not even as bad as the fact that he does not want to help me to be happy, and doesn't care about listening to my problems and coming to a compromise. letting me have his closet would be a compromise. even if she went in there and borrowed things, to have my own space would give me a sense that they noticed i have rights. the fact that the only reason this whole thing bothers him, is because i get mad at his kids, that's all that he cares about.
storage unit!
Chava, maybe you should rent a small storage unit nearby to put your stuff in that is important to you. I know it is not in your house but you can go there and get what you need, and switch things out, etc. and meanwhile it will not be stolen or ruined!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
I'd put a nice chair in that
I'd put a nice chair in that storage unit as well. When the weather's nice you can go hang out there! It all boils down to this: The kids are never wrong, no matter what, and Chava will always be wrong, no matter what. Never underestimate the power of denial.
Chava, I'm very passive aggressive too. I hate to be confrontational...I guess I was raised to be "nice" no matter what (I think I'm the last of that generation). If I were you, I'd be figuring out how to put something in those cheap make-up kits so that when she used them it would screw up her skin.
Seriously, I know your husband will not allow a lock on the door, but I would probably go out and buy one anyway. I'm not recommending this to you, as I don't want to cause an extremely volatile argument between you and your spouse. But, I'd be damned if I'd put up with this whole closet bs. I'd definitely be getting the drill and screws out.
ZAP!
I work in the electrical field. I know a lot of electricians. Seriously, get a key pad & a code that only you know & rig it so if someone tries to get to your stuff they'll get zapped.
When SD annoys you, just picture her after the zapping, with her hair all frazzled & a puff of smoke coming from it... and a stupid look of shock on her face. lol!
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Don't you wish you could put
Don't you wish you could put those shock collars for dogs on people?
UGH!!! I'd be having a blast being passive aggressive with this girl...put a little bleach in her shampoo so it gradually eats away her hair...put moisturizer in her facial cleanser so it gives her pimples...UGH, I know, very immature...I was just fantasizing.
You could always put Nair in
You could always put Nair in her shampoo bottle. Or swirl her toothbrush in the toilet.
No, I haven't done this, but a girl can dream!
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
i've done that toothbrush in
i've done that toothbrush in the toilet thing
that's the problem, if you
that's the problem, if you are like me, you try to avoid argument, keep it all inside, figure you'll get back at them or make it up to yourself in another way
but then one day they push you too far, you really blow up, and then it's "she's such a bitch"
SD can literally scream like a maniac, but if i raise my voice a little, i get called a psycho. even though i'm the only woman H has to deal with that he hasn't had to visit in a mental facility. both his ex and SD have spent their time there....but i'm the psycho...right
Can I relate! On one hand I
Can I relate! On one hand I have my mother & grandmother who flip out at the drop of a hat. On the other hand I have my step dad who will only see what he wants to see, despite all rational & pratical thinking... and cold hard evidence. They can gripe, bitch, moan, pout, & throw a self pity party, but I was never allowed to. I had to suck it up cuz life sucked & I'd better be grateful for what I did have. What a load of crap!
I finally copped a smooth attitude. I just got tired of being the doormat & people getting angry at me for not accepting it quietly. Of course they wanted to throw their accusations, but at that point my attitude was... Yes, I am crazy, because you've driven me there! You don't tolerate anyone treating you like that, who the hell do you think you are to treat me like that! Oh, I'm a failure... let's point out the things you've failed in. Oh, so now I'm a bitch. Well give me a crown because I'm Queen Bitch now.
Fighting for respect is just that... a fight. And it's a tough one. You have to become a little cold & just as cruel & mean to those who are hurting you because sometimes that's all they understand. I hated talking to my parents that way, but we get along better now. Of course, when there's nothing left fighting for (who wants respect from a selfish idiot?) it's just time to pack up & leave.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Yes, they will drive her
Yes, they will drive her crazy. She needs to become "Mega Bitch" super hero to all the trod on stepmothers.
i was actually going to
i was actually going to check those out- there are some near where i work- maybe it would be a good way to save up supplies for when i get my own place as well
You Know
I think that is a great idea!!! Chava this way you have your own closet space or even take DH's credit card and buy a cabinet that you can put your clothes in with a lock.
You deserve your own space.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
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