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wondering if my ss8 would be easier to bond with if he wasn't special needs?

dledden's picture

I'm on a quest to try to get to the bottom of my issues with ss8, and there are many. I wonder if I resent him in part because he is autistic and can't do many things for himself that normal children his age can do? I hate to think i'd be prejudice against a special needs child, but i'm wondering if that isn't where some of my frustrations over this kid come from? There are really soooooo many things he can't do for his age that he should be able to do that annoy me to my core. I really don't know anyone of my friends or relatives that has an autistic child to talk to about my frustrations, maybe I need to find a support group for that??????

Anon2009's picture

It couldn't hurt. Maybe you could send Dawn, the head of this site, a message about starting a forum for people who have step kids with special needs. I know I've read posts from others who have special needs SKs that it would be great if there were a forum devoted to this topic. Hopefully, this can help.

Roarin1's picture

I don't think it's really prejudice. It isn't like you hate him because he's autistic. It's the direct effect that his autism has on your life that you hate. Same as I hate the effects my stepsons Dyslexia has had on mine before we worked through it all. My neighbor is autistic, and I see her mother's frustration without even really knowing them that well. A former coworker of mine has an autistic son, and she loved him a great deal, but from time to time would break down with the pressure and frustration of the situation.

Don't feel bad for hating the situation. Nobody can fault you for that.

Make the most of it though. Talk to his teachers and your significant other and see what you can do to contribute while managing your stress level. Being a step parent is hard on its own, without autism making it more complicated. There are a lot of support groups for parents of autistic parents, and most of them probably won't care about you being a "step" parent.

As you can tell, you aren't alone in dealing with the frustrations of step parenting. Don't give up, and just do your best. It's all any of us are really doing, whether we're bio, step, or whatever.

christiedd's picture

I agree being a step-parent's hard enough without adding autism to the mixture. I'm betting in some ways it may be difficult for the step parent because they don't have the bond of unconditional love to provide love and patience on a daily basis. And believe me it takes tons of patience!!

redmemory's picture

Probably is in part. If I could speak to and reason with my SS4.5 about half the stuff he does that gets under my skin, I would. (I have tried and it didn't do any good at all.) Then again you might have ended up with a "normal" SS that was just as annoying. I never have experienced first hand how much more work a special needs child is to parent until now, and I can agree with you that at the very least it is not fun. I'm just trying to put up with it.

christiedd's picture

My DH tries his best to accept my son that's 6 years old with high-functioning autism. Being his mother & loving him more than anything I find it very frustrating and difficult at times to hold my patience with my son. He can be the sweetest little boy then can be the most selfish when it comes to sharing with his stepbrother & stepsister. At times if they say anything my son will tell them to be quite or get out of the bedroom they share.
When we first got married I had the fantasy my DH would love my son the way I love his kids but after he told me he's not sure he ever will love him, I took a step back and looked at it if the roles were reversed. Women are more motherly and nurturing but I bet I would have the same frustrations my DH has. Hopefully with time he will see my son in somewhat the same light I see him in. If not I won't hold a grudge against him. There are support groups for parents & possibly educating yourself more about autism may help you see your ss in a different light. Good luck with your family.