Step Talk

Wow. No, you're not alone here. Its something that i have pondered, but have never voiced to anyone. I know that if I wasn't supporting BF and his kids, i would be so much better off financially. We are supposed to be buying a house soon, and sometimes I look at houses that I can afford on my own as well as houses that we can buy together. You are your own protector. No one is going to look out for you or take care of you. You only have yourself to depend on. I never want to depend on a man for anything. So even though I love my BF and care for his kids, I still have to have an out. I know he doesn't like it, but I need to make sure that I am taken care of if he decides tomorrow that we are through. I hope this makes sense.

Child support is temporary. Long-term, yes, but still temporary. It's not forever. Kids grow up and move on. Love is supposed to be forever, right?! Maybe it isn't always forever, but I think it can be.

When we were first married, we were renting a three bedroom house near the base. DH and I shared the master, of course, BS and SS shared one room and the two SD's shared the other room. Then I got pregnant with BD and we moved into base housing, another three bedroom house, but much smaller. It was a nightmare trying to fit five kids into two bedrooms, especially since they ranged in ages from newborn to teenagers. The years we spent in that house, the weekends were AWFUL! But then we moved away and some things got better, while others got worse.

A year ago I was ready to walk out and I almost did. If I had, I wouldn't be where I am now and right now I am blissfully happy. In the past year, things have improved for us DRASTICALLY. If I'd left, we wouldn't be where we are now. I don't know. The one and ONLY reason I stuck with it was because I loved my DH and, in spite of everything we were going through, I knew that he was still the person I wanted to grow old with. He was still the person I wanted with me when the kids were grown and gone.

It's hard, sometimes. Sometimes I still look back and wonder if I made the right decision in marrying him. I think we all have those moments. But the decision is already made, we're married, so whether or not it was the right decision doesn't matter. We made the decision, now we have to MAKE it the right decision. I think ALL decisions are like that. I don't think there ever IS a right decision. I think we have to first make the decision, then work to make it right. Does that make sense? Whatever you choose to do, leave and do it on your own or stay and find a way to deal, you can make that decision be the right one for you. Maybe one way of making this decision right for you is to stop giving so much financially.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

personally, I have to have security. If I don't take care of myself, make sure that I am financially sound (not rich), no one will. THAT COMES FIRST. Just pragmatic & practical. I cannot be happy if I am not secure financially.
I refuse to pay for anyone else's kids anything. If I want to "contribute $" to a cause, the Salvation Army is a wonderful organization. I have three kids (all in their twenties) and could use a hand-----if I were to buy someone's kids something it would BE THEM.
Take care of yourself.

I've worked very hard to have some financial security. I've left a couple of relationships because my then BFs couldn't get their s*** together and create their own nest eggs. It's all part of the package. I want to be with someone who can take care of himself financially and emotionally. I think a relationship needs to be greater then the sum of its parts. You're better together. A person should not take a way from the union and that includes finances. Maybe it seems harsh, but I don't want to be burdened from the get go.

to that post!

I think financial issues can be a temprary issue if the parties have a plan to make changes -- a different job; higher education; applying for disability; cutting expenses etc. I can definitely tell you that my income has gone up since I left the ex gf; my expenses have gone down and my credit score has gone up. Even though I am now paying more for housing; utilities and etc -- I wasn't feeding three extra mouths and I think I sleep better and can work better.

I think I need (or want) love -- but with that comes respect; friendship and commitment. Yet if its not in a relationship, I can find some of that through my friends and coworkers. That can be a temporary problem and I can plan for a solution -- get out and meet different people; change the way I dress and ask other people out on dates.

I moved out when her kids behavior began to effect my daughter and the ex gf began to exhibit the screaming tendencies of her kids. Respect has to be at the foundation of a relationship.

We all go through hard times and sometimes hard times can make the two people feel closer and love each other more. I think many people in society today want that "instant gratification" though. Why shouldn't you live in a $500k house? Forget the hard work and luck that gets there -- why shouldn't everyone drive a $100k car? College? An advanced degree and studying hard is for wimps.

I think you call it quits when you realize the light at the end of the tunnel is not the sunlight you and your SO have been working for, but the train of them giving up on things. The train of them not teaching kids respect and courtesy and not respecting your feelings. The train of them not giving a shit about even trying to carry the financial load.

Kevin

My 58 year old fiance on top of giving $1000's to his adult children had no nest egg and made less $$$ then my exhusband made when we first met which is why i could not stand his exSD continuosly telling me I was going to "dupe" him, when it was her mom who had done that so well.
No, I am going back to my common sense side, I want both.
It is not a matter so much of how much they make as what they do with it, do they save it or give it all to adult needy children, or buy too many gifts for kids when they don't have the money?
My exH pays very good child support and ontop of that buys my boys extra clothes as I do , and pays for their private school which is over $15,000 for both of them, which ofcourse will end someday and though I have no degree I make pretty good money and though I worry yes about paying for another set of braces and if we can afford a vacation this year, I would rather do it on my own then watch someone I was with work against our future rather then work on it with me.
It makes me lose respect for a man I am with to not be financially respondsible or if he says he wants to spend his life with me he should want to make it a secure one,in my book that is what a man does and the woman can stay at home or wokr according to families needs and their choices but in the end they are a team

I started seeing a therapist when I was faced with all the problems that the BM has brought into my life. It helps. This helps.

At the end of the day...do you love him? I mean really love him? Does he love you? Really?

If yes to all then you HAVE to sit him down. Let him read some of all of our posts so that he can fully understand that you aren't crazy and having a hard time with it all.

Then visualize putting your arm out in front of you. At the end of your fingers is the DH and the BM and problems. Keep concentrating on keeping them at a distance. Not that it won't get to you time and again, but try to be consious of the distance. Put it on him to deal with. Say it and forget it. I pretend that I have a ball, and in that ball is the issue at hand and I tell DH to deal with it and picture myself giving him the ball..then it is on his shoulders not mine.

I would rather live in a box with my DH then not have him at all.

What you are feeling is normal though so there is nothing wrong with you.

I can't leave my h., I love him and he is my family now. I waited a long time to get a family of my own. We have a plan to end our financial problems within 3-5 years, and I am willing to tough it out for now.

Of course, everything is in my name and if my credit gets ruined I may be forced to clean house! but hopefully so far we have gotten by (fingers crossed)!

Most Evil

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

To be honest I am kind of in a crossroad right now. I love my husband but I see that I will never have the support I need from him. Everything is about him and the kids. I know he loves me but he should have never married if he couldn't support a wife as well as his kids. I work 9 or more hours a day and come home to a madhouse. We never do a thing as a couple. My husband can't keep a job more than 6 months at a time. His medical bills and attorney's fee are bring us close to finanical ruin. I am at the point right now of looking hard at my future and it is not looking good for DH and I. The problem with DH is that he allows life to control him. He doesn't take control of his life. Now my life is spinning out of control because of all of his problems. I am exhausted, stay angry, annoyed and literally could stand on a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs because he sure doesn't hear me. Anyway I will let you know what that decision will be when I make it. I am leaning more towards survival.

"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"

My husband is a good man in many ways. But I see we are going nowhere. I can't get him to understand where I am coming from. In another post I mentioned him wanting to fight for SS to stay home next summer.

With what and who's money?????? I am not paying for this!

"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"

Have you flat out asked him WITH WHAT AND WHOSE MONEY?????? And flat out told him YOU ARE NOT PAYING FOR THIS????

BF blew up at me the other day after our bank had a server crash. we have separate accounts, but his showed zero and mine showed it had less than expected. For so long he said "you do the bills and paperwork; i don't do that" NOW he wants to see everything b/c he thinks i'm frittering money away (this from a person who spent constantly on the ungrateful stepbrats; he would drop a $50 every friday afternoon on comic books and "treats" when picking them up)

The spending would literally be an oil gush pretty much every day. i'd pay all the bills and he would spend every living cent that he had after CS on the stepbrats

now we don't see the skids hardly any more (a HUGE break for me/us) I've been spending some $$ on myself here and there; he pays $1010 a month which is half his after tax salary every month. I make almost twice the amount he does. he conveniently forgets that I had supported him COMPLETELY when he separated from the BB for the first 6 mos. he sent ALL his $$$ to her direct deposit and she spent it all and was shocked that he wasn't obligated to send her his entire salary for the rest of her life!!! (she was not kidding about this, i swear)

BB had him guilted into thinking that he did indeed owe his ENTIRE salary and it took him 6 mos to come to his senses; he thought that my complaint against this was me being JEALOUS! i really was not into having a GIGOLO relationship!!!

he conveniently forgets all the sacrifices I made when he was funneling beau coup bucks to the BB and the stepbrats!!!

it is indeed VERY aggrevating!

I actually envy Most evil becasue she and her DH have a plan together, that is all I wanted.
I would love to be with my exfiance despite no retirement and not a lot coming in, i still love the dang man , but one of our issues was, he did not defend me against his children's tongues and show that he expected our relationship to be respected and he did not think of our future but only of fear of losing children if he ever said no.
I am all for giving to kids and actually before I knew what greedy mongruls they were liked that he was generous ,but come one, at 32 you pay your own house note and cable and let dad afford to take a wife, don't you. The man never even bought me a ring but gave one son $5000 for a wedding , a daughter $4000 for a divorce , and still adding on ,and was paying anothers , well everything , even paid for granddauthers birthday party on top of all household expenses.
SO again I want love but as Cruella is dealing with unless they will work with you, I think it fades,and I will be damned if I watch my sons CS start going to these full grown leaches who spend as much on alcohol each month that they could pay power, cable, and phone all by themselves if they chose.(or were actually expected to)

"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard

One of these 'kids' is 32?!!!! That's my age!!! I can't believe they leach off their parents at that age. Since I've been on my own I've only borrowed - BORROWED - money from my folks once & paid them back ASAP. That was so I could cover the cost of moving. Maybe it's just me, but I have a particular pride in not leaning on my folks for my needs. That & if I let them pay for something for me they think they have the right to tell me how to live my life. No way.

It's time they acted their age. That's crazy.

And he should have bought you a gorgeous ring.

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

It sucks that my SO gives so much to his ex. He reminds me daily that when we retire he will have a lot in 401K.....but ummmm.... What about now??? He too feels that love alone should get me through the day, but love doesn't pay the bills. I gave my house to my ex and I live a pretty nice apartment, but I want my kids to be in a house again too. His kids aren't the only ones entitled to security and happiness, and it's easy to fall into that trap. I have to look at it like this, "Can I handle this in 10 years? Will I be just dealing with the issue or accepting it?" We can either settle for less than what we want, or be accepting to the circumstance. It's hard and I deal with it everyday. My SO makes damn good money, but after he pays alimony for the next 6 years she would have made $108,000, not including CS. I don't like it one bit, but it's not forever. Some men (and some women too) will never stop doing more than necessary for their kids/ex.....ever. I can't even count how many times he has gone above and beyond for his kids when most of the time they don't even deserve it. To sum it up, you need to be happy. If you're truely not happy, you need to get out of the situation before it gets any deeper.....

The fact that he provides nothing & that you've bought everything will make it easier if you ever decide to dump him. He can take half of anything he bought.

Well hey if you are supporting the skids and the DH then this is not right. Guess what. this is how you will support both of them
(1) get rid of HIS/Dh cell phone which I am sure that he has one.
(2) Forget about Cable TV or whatever it is that he watches on the weekends or when he is out of a job
(3) Let him forget about outings or eating out when the skid is over because YOU ARE NOT PAYING FOR THAT!
(4) Take 10% of what is left of your salary after you pay your mortgage and put it in a little tin box called the "I LOVE ME FUND" and do this every month!

Try these 4 things and then he MIGHT realize that money is kinda important.

Let us know how it goes.

Kamini

Heck, kamini,what away to be practical and hit where it says something to loafers!
"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard

I would make it a little uncomfortable for him to stay home while you are at work, the opposite of cozy and homey. No cable is huge, don't keep any snacks there, maybe turn the heat down, so he can think, I would rather be at work somewhere.

Also I must confess what was our 5-year plan, at about year 3, became another 5 year plan - so its really become an 8-year plan to debt free.

And the last (mean) thing I think when I am mad at my DH, is that since everything is in my name, he is not entitled to anything from it if we split (I already had the house pre-marriage). I have even said to him, thanks, see ya later. I know, I am a b*&$&, but sometimes you have to be.

Sorry honey, these are stressful times for you and I hope it all works out, but the uncomfortable thing may work. Keep hanging in there! Vent away, we are here for you! If it is any comfort to you I am feeling very yucky too re. everything.

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Last night my SO and I really got into it about the whole alimony thing and I let him have it! I told him that if he cannot contribute more and meet me half way he has to leave. So he's getting a lawyer, and he's going to re-do the agreement and instead of spousal support for 6 years he's only going to do it for 2 years. That way she can get a steady and stable job, keep it, and then be a big girl and make her own way. I mean, the lady has 2 degrees!!! find a good job, and keep it! It was such a horrible day....fighting about which kids had to give more up (mine in my opinion) and who is entitled to more.... Bottom line ladies, we all need to have an F-Him account... That way when things go down, it's easy to say, "F-Him". I'd rather be alone struggling with my kids than have a partner who won't contribute at least half. At the end of the day all I have is my kids and a little bit of sanity....and I'll be damned if I let ANY man take that away!!!

If you are thinking Love or Money you are not alone. Shoot. I think there is a movie with the same title no?
Either way, if you have a plan to fix one or the other then you are better off than most people who have this dilemma. It is so easy to gripe about our chosen life companions and the damage they do to our pockets but if we can come up with solutions to fix them, it isn't so overwhelming.
I took on two little boys who ate like piglets when I first met him. Now, our grocery bill has more than doubled. I don't look forward to teenage boys.
Yes, I could be better off financially without them not to mention the drama would be considerably less but I wouldn't do it. I have to weigh the good times against the bad and luckily, the former is better ... for now.
Everything is temporary. There are no constants in life.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln