Step Talk

You do not need to have a "point"...if something feels askew, it probably is. I am newly living with my bf of 16 months and I told him that I didn't like the fact that when he dropped his son off at BM's house, she gave him a plate of food to take home for dinner. I didn't go wacko but simply explained that she didn't have to do that. He looked at it as "free food" but my viewpoint was totaly opposite...he listened and understood and there hasn't been food sent home since. I think that your bf may feel like it would be a waste to spend money on a room (point taken) but I dont' think he's appreciate it if the tables were turned.

If something doesn't feel right, then there is a reason for it. My DH used to keep a key to BM house and would let himself in when he was out there. As I have said in previous posts he still fixes things at her house. But he sure wouldn't like me doing the same. Somehow he thinks that my situation is different from his. My DH felt so guilty about his kids being in that environment that he would run out there and sometimes stay overnight to protect them from the unknown. I put my foot down and basically told him it was over and he has been back home ever since. He knocks on the door now when he goes out - at least in front of me. I would almost say if this is to happen again you need to tell him you're going along as well but you would be extremely uncomfortable in that environment. I would say it anyway to see what he says. You could offer to pay for the room and see what he does.

Okay, I am a bit shocked at how nice we are all being about this. Your BF TOTALLY crossed the line! This is inappropriate on so many levels. This is not only complete disrespect for the relationship the two of you have, but it is confusing for the kids. They are thinking "Oh, daddy is staying at our house again! Does that mean mommy and daddy are back together?" These issues are tough enough for kids to understand without their parents blurring the lines this way. And yes, of course, you should have been consulted prior to him deciding to spend the night there. The fact that he didn't and made the decision without telling you, is indicative of the fact that he knows it is wrong. Otherwise, why would he have kept it from you. I would never tolerate this kind of behavior. LIke stepping said, draw the line in the sand now, if he doesn't respect it, that would be it for me.

Just my opinion.

yet. You have time to consider whether you want to be more trapped in this situation. Maybe he just needs A LOT more talking to come to terms with what is healthy for both of you and the kids in a blended family that truly functions well, and realistically. It took us nearly 4 years to get to that, and we were married with kids on the way by the time we drew the lines appropriately. But, had my DH ever spent the night at BM's without telling me, we would not be here now. That said, talk to him, a lot, about all of it, and don't even consider walking down the aisle until you feel you are being treated fairly and considered as an integral part in this new family.

Best of luck!

I know exactly how you feel. Last year my STBH took care of the youngest SS at the EX's house. SS got sick at school and it was my STBH's turn to take off work and take care of him. Instead of bringing SS to our house, he took him to the EX's house and watched him there till she got home from work. I found out about it that evening, after it happened and was livid.

Logically I understood why, her house was closer to the school and it was her parenting time with the SKIDS, but in my gut it felt totally wrong. When I calmed down I told him how hurtful and disrespectful it was to me that he took care of SS at her house. I told him that if he valued our relationship he would never do that again. I told him that his watching the SKIDS at her place made me feel like he'd rather be with her than me, and actions speak louder than words.

I also told him that I felt it was confusing for the SKIDS when he stayed there, it sent a signal that maybe mom and dad would get back together. Again, actions speak louder than words.

Since that incident he has not watched the SKIDS at her place. Even though she has brought it up a couple of times. I'm proud of him for that. He has told her that he'd be happy to take the SKIDS if she needs help but he will pick them up and bring them home to our place.

I just married DH 3 years ago and I will tell you this. OH HELL NO! I wouldn't have it. It sends the wrong signals to all persons involved and really how does it look from the outside looking in? I would take it as totally making me look like a fool. That is just the way I would take it.

Please consider really hard whether HE is ready for a commitment. You need to do what is best for you.

"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"

Well last night didn't go over so well...Basically he informed me that he heard me, but still doesn't see why it matters. And once again informed me of the things he learned. I really think I need to take lcooper's advice and take a long hard look at this relationship. And not just concerning being a step parent. I think there is more going on than is being said at this point. I'm preparing myself for the worst. And who knows maybe its for the best. After reading the horror stories on this site, it sure doesn't seem to get better. Esp if the person your involved with can't put you first.

if my husband stayed at his ex's house overnight...when he got home, his things would be waiting for him on the porch and for some strange reason, his key wouldn't fit in the front door anymore.

That's just me.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Why cant he just get a hotel room??? maybe even have the skids stay w/him at the hotel.. and bring swimsuits for the kids to go swimming in the indoor pool (being hopeful.. i know).. tell him to make it about him spending time w/his kids.. and his kids only.. that it could be a mini getaway for him and the kids.. That way he isnt staying w/the ex.. and his time there is JUST w/the kids.

Some would be ok with him sleeping over at his ex's, some would not. He is dating you,and you don't feel comfortable, end of story.He should respect that.
You can point out that you can support him being a "successful parent" without him making you feel disrespected.
Perhaps you should go visit a friend in a city where you ahve an ex and stay at the ex's house, would that make him comfortable while you were just trying to be a successful friend?

Wow... First off, if he cares about you at all, he will respect your feelings. My skids live 2hrs away and if my SO EVER hinted at staying at the house I would flip.... (I posted something similar today along this subject). Not only does it leave the door open for something to happen, it can cause the kids to be confused. Daddy doesn't live there, so daddy shouldn't be staying there...bottom line. If I were him, they should come up with some type of agreement where she meets him half way, like at a rest stop or something. If that is not possible, then it looks like it's going to be a long drive. He has no right to ignore your feelings and you need to re-evaluate your relationship. You have to stop and think about yourself sometimes and remember that this situation could never change. If that is something that you fear you can't handle, then it's time for the 2 of you to seriously sit down and get all the feelings out in the open. Good luck girl!!!

That is totally out of line. But it sounds like something my significant other would have done a year or 2 ago.

At one point my live-in significant other of 3.5 years planned on taking his ex wife and 5 year old daughter on a vacation to Disney, just the 3 of them. He dropped the news on me one day shortly after we moved in together, telling me that they planned it since she was a baby, and he expected me to be ok with the idea and stay home while they took the trip.

That's when World War 3 started. There's NO WAY I was going to put up with that kind of treatment. He tells me now that I'm right, but it still drives me nuts to think that at some point she talked him into that and he agreed to it. It is SO disrespectful and wrong on so many levels. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.

IMO I would say "unacceptable".

I would also suggest to REALLY reconsider this relationship. Should you have to reiterate your feelings... shouldn't it just be enough that this makes you uncomfortable? Does he not value your feelings… this is a bad sign.

This site has some good ideas and suggestions:
Marriage Builders

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

The Policy of Joint Agreement
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement
between you and your spouse

In marriage, your interests and your spouses interests should be considered simultaneously. One of you should not suffer for the benefit of the other, even willingly, because when either of you suffer, one is gaining at the other's expense. If you both care about each other, you will not let the other suffer so that you can have what you want. When you are willing to let the other sacrifice for you, you are momentarily lapsing into a state of selfishness that must somehow be corrected before damage is done. The Policy of Joint Agreement provides that correction.

I've never been in this situation...but, I've had something similar. We were dating for about four/five years. My now DH spent the night at my house. The next morning, he said he had to leave to go to SD's sixth birthday. Then, I learned that he brought his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. I was pissed...and he left. He later explained that he didn't want to get crap from BM's side of the family.

Then, THAT SAME NIGHT, SD's appendix burst. He didn't call me. I couldn't get a hold of him. I called his house the next morning. His mom told me he went to the hospital last night. He spent three days in the hospital, with BM, DH's sister, and BM's family. I went crazy. I wasn't invited to the party..then shafted on the forthcoming events. I WAS GOING TO LEAVE HIM. I would of left him...except for the fact that we already had a prepaid cruise booked. If we didn't go, we would of each wasted about a 1000 dollars. So, we went...and if it weren't for that cruise - he would of been history.

Fast forward to today - BM went whacko when she found out we moved in together. He dind't have visitation until we moved in together (she took him to court and wnated no visitation and all this other crap). I was excluded again (mediation, decision making, etc.).

So..........my advice to you...is that this may be a taste of what's to come. He's already ignoring your feelings and wishes. You weren't even invited to the recital!! wtf!??!?! So, I would consider your event the same event as my DH ditching me for SD's bday and her appendix issue. At that time, I was four/five years in. By the time we moved in together, I was seven years in...if I knew now back then...it would of saved me a lot of daily heartache and stress. The good outweighs the bad...but sometimes, I really wonder how carefree my life and sanity would be without having to deal with the ex and kid. So....if you can do it....run away...run FAR FAR away - for your future health.

The only reason why I stuck it out is because the ONLY time we fight is when it's about BM and SD..but even then...it's been a rough rough road. He proposed to me the same year we moved in together to salvage our relationship. It's a constant struggle and work in progress..but I made my decision. If you bow out now, you increase the chance of finding happiness and the undivided love and attention every significant other should have...but it's hard if not impossible to have that when there's a kid and ex lurking in the background.

Every week my hubby visits his kids at his exwifes house...(they are ages 15, 16 and 21.) Every week I have a few glasses of wine until he gets home.

I trust my hubby 100% BUT it's still makes me uneasy. He shouldn't be there.

(It's like that for logistic reasons: We live 2 hours away from them in another state. But, he still works in their state and its only 40 minutes from them.) He misses his kids terribly so he has to go once a week and watch TV with them.

In the summer, I begged him to take them out....to stop hanging out in the house...(he even did his taxes on the exes computer the one year --- I FREAKED but that's another story.) Winter the kids don't want to go out so I said okay..I"m fine with it..But between us gals I'm really not...I hate the idea of him being here without me!

I'd say RUN FAR AWAY to anyone who asked me also...My husband told me when we got engaged that things would be different after we were married..I thought he was talking about his visitation schedule...
I was wrong. Good luck.

And to anonymous: my hubby DID do the Disney trip with the ex and kids...they stayed at different hotels though..and the kids were 12, 13 and 18! AGH!!!! My hubby actually went to hang out with the kids while the ex was also there on business during the day...I thought they didn't hang out together at night at all til the one kid spilled the beans...they did dinner together, went to the parks together...Had I known that I NEVER would have agreed to go to Disney with the kids for OUR HONEYMOON a year and half ago...

ALWAYS TRY TO GET THE FULL STORY LADIES.. I am so sick of half truths!

PS I am still trying to pay that trip off...

Yes, if you can save yourself your health, mental and physical, look twice at this relationship.

I agree with CG. All of his crap would be outside, the key not fit in the lock and a copy of a complaint for divorce. I would have to do all that just to keep me from not just taking a frying pan to his head.. a CAST IRON frying pan!

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."
-Joshua J. Marine

I hope he sticks to his guns! I love the frying pan comment!! I feel that way when BF gets into the middle of an arguement b/w his BS and the BM. Why is he taking their calls?? It is b/w them why does he have to try and fix it?? he couldnt do it when they were married his excuse..they both are stubborn(whatever!!)...fortunately he has not planned to stay at her house or anything like that but if he did it would be a BIG friggin problem. And confusing for everyone involved.

I haven't been on for a while, due to work, etc. But here is a little update... On Sunday after church we were having lunch. It was a kids weekend. We were discussing my acct exec and the fact that she lives in the same town as his ex. And he just says, I won't be staying at their house anymore. Lets just say I almost fell over... I wanted to ask a million questions, but thought better of it. We haven't discussed this since it happened. He shared that his son asked him when will you come stay with me again daddy, and he said he won't be doing it again. I think I jumped for joy inside!!! I looked up and said "thank you" and left it at that. The nosey woman that I am would love to know the "why" behind his decision. But after this week, I'll let it go. He scored HUGE with me this week. I had to go to Minneapolis for work this week. He stayed at my house with my 14 year old son. Hauled him to and fro for pep band, etc. Fed him. Played video games with him. He even met me for dinner last night on my drive home. And being that he was on his way out of town for the weekend to hunt with the boys, and still made time for me was a plus. I also came home to a clean house. Not perfect, but clean. I even think there was some male bonding going on while I was away. My son called during dinner, and "jon" was concerned if he missed him... he he he. I was very encouraged by his behavior. I'm not sure what has gotten into him, but I'll take it. It was nice to see the action behind his words...

LADIES.... I FINALLY WALKED AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP. It feels good to be myself again. Thanks for all your insight and advice. After he asked me to stay at the coffee shop while he picked up his kids one morning, so his ex didn't see me, oh and the fact that she didn't even know we were seeing each other. I WOKE UP!! I finally realized it was never going to change. NO MORE DOORMAT, and it feels great. I will never be a mans dirty little secret. No way in hell was I waiting at a coffee shop. Not for him, not for any man.

You did it! Thank goodness! You will find a better PARTNER to be in your life.

fyi: Long ago I had a bf and I was 'hidden' from things, SK activities, parties, etc. I kept wondering in the back of my mind "ummm, does he want to get back with his ex?" Sure enough - THEY DID, they got remarried! That little voice in your head sometimes knows better than we do!

A woman has got to love a bad man
once or twice in her life,
to be thankful for a good one.