You are here

How do they get that way

Most Evil's picture

I recently met a young girl (28) at my work who is a BM to a toddler daughter. She was with the father for 3.5 years, they were not married and 4 months after their daughter was born, he said he no longer loved her and did not want a relationship with her. That was 1.5 years ago.

She gave up a great, well-paying traveling sales position to be home with her child and now wants to work part time to be with her child. The dad now says he wants custody because he does not want to pay her child support to work part time, that she needs to work full time. She carried the financial bulk of their live-in relationship but is now broke. She has no family, only 1 dad who is an alcoholic and no siblings. She loves the child's father's family but they are now closing ranks against her because she wants to keep her child and not give up custody to the dad and his mom.

Now, when I met her I thought wow, I was meant to meet her so that I can understand the BM's side of things. But the more I get to know her, the more I understand why the dad wants the child. She is manic depressive but does take her medication but had a horrible childhood physically abused by her SM, who interestingly she had a good relationship with until she died this summer. She spent time committed in mental health facilities as a teen for unknown reasons. Recently she totaled her car in an accident, which was an accident and she was not hurt but just in general she seems to enjoy drama and attention. I am not sure I always believe what she says. She is completely child-centered and even says she wants to have another child, from who I don't know as she is not dating anyone that I know of.

But I feel sorry for her! That child is her whole life and is the only family she has. The only time I really see her smile is when she is going to see the dad that day. All she wanted was to have a family and a man to love her but it didn't work out. She said she still loves the dad and he only recently started dating. The point is everything would be great for her IF ONLY the dad wanted the relationship. But he doesn't. I wish she would move on but she feels that she can't.

Is this what twists the BM sometimes into becoming something the SM dreads? Is there a good guy and a bad guy here? How did your BM become the way she is and do you have any sympathy for her?

Anne 8102's picture

My BM was the one to leave the relationship. She left a lot. She left several times. She cheated repeatedly. He stayed "for the kids" and to give them some stability. The last time she came back and wanted to try again, he agreed half-heartedly, knowing it was probably going to happen again. But she wanted to settle down, buy a house, try again "for real." He bought it. And I mean he REALLY bought it. She didn't want to try again. She wanted a house. She reconciled with him long enough to get his name on a mortgage, then she threw him out. Sigh. He's a slow learner, but finally caught on. That was the end of the road for their ten-year on-again, off-again failure of a marriage. She remarried first. You'd have thought she'd be happy enough in her own life to allow DH a little happiness of his own, but apparently, she wasn't. He married me, she started withholding visitation SERIOUSLY. She'd been a bitch to deal with over visitation all along, but she flat out refused to give him the kids after he married me. (And no, we'd never met. Have no idea where she formed her opinion of me, other than I must be a horrible person if HE loved me.) After he adopted my son and we got pregnant with our daughter, she took him back to court. It was just a nightmare during those first few years. I have no idea why. I don't care why. She's always had everything... all the money, 99.9% of the kids' time due to not allowing visitation, she successfully alienated the kids from him, she got a gorgeous house while he lived in barracks. The only thing that seems to make her happy is thinking that we are miserable. She was the one who left, she was the one who cheated, she was the one who was abusive during the relationship and she was the one who caused the relationship to fail, so I have no idea why on earth she would be against him moving on. It's been six years this month that we've been married. I don't even wonder anymore. I just figure she's a selfish, hostile, mean, vindictive angry, self-absorbed bitch and let it go at that. Smile

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

lcooper's picture

Again Anne, I think we have the same BM. She left my DH, actually took the kids across the country, citing that he was not "responsible enough" to take care of his family. He had a good job, her comment translates into him not making enough money to support the lifestyle she wanted. Anyway, DH wanted to work things out for the kids, so he followed her from FL up to NH where she had moved in with her parents. He spent months trying to find a decent job, and at the same time, work things out with this woman. She was always verbablly abusive to him, even during the marriage, his family have told me some ghastly stories about the things she would say to him right out in front of everyone. Obviously, things didn't work out for them, but not for lack of trying on DH's part. Now, how did he even end up with someone like her? That is the question that perplexes me the most, but, if you knew my DH it might make sense. He is very laid back, and easily led. I have to be careful to make sure I am not controlling him too much myself, as I am definitely the stronger personality. She is very manipulative and controlling, and I can see how he could fall into a relationship with someone like that just because of the way that he is. Well, he has gotten better, with some coaching, and is finally standing up to her.

So, for the original post, no, I don't see how she got this way. I think she already was this way from the day DH met her, had nothing to do with him. He just chose badly and is now paying the price for that mistake, we all are.

Most Evil's picture

I honestly don't know why our BM is the way she is and I wouldn't even want to hear her story as I don't believe a word she says. I just wonder if they were once 'innocent' girls like this and I feel a little guilty that I suspect her of trying to trick him into coming back to her. Who wouldn't want to stay home or work part time?

I actually would go nuts if I stayed home and like to have my own money, but that's because I am basically an 'old maid' who then got married. But I do see her side, in a way. But what I cannot say to her, because it is none of my business but do plan to say to SD is - I personally feel you should do your very best! to avoid having a child with someone who will not marry you. Get and take BC correctly to avoid this situation if you can.

I guess I am a little old-fashioned. So I was just wondering if anyone else is more generous than I am towards their BM. Because I am definitely not. But is there a valid reason for doing these type of things, undermining hubby/SM, etc.? I am just trying to see both sides as an abstract kind of thing . . .

Most Evil

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats

Colorado Girl's picture

I drive myself crazy trying to "see her side". In my experience, it just boils down to good ol' fashioned jealousy and control. It's hard to watch your children mothered by another woman and see your children love that woman, and for some it's hard to watch your once husband love another woman. Some of us BMs are secure and mature enough to get past the "hardship" while other BMs will do everything possible to poison the new found realtionship.

My BM's mental illness (Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder formally known as manic depressive) catapults her into a whole new level of insecurity. Most Evil, she is just like your friend - she just can't ever seem to get it together living crisis to crisis. I, too, really do feel sorry for her some days. I've actually given her a hug on occasion because she'll be in tears and just she seems so lost. I think she realizes what a wonderful man my husband is and that she screwed it all up. So she does what she does best, she puts him down to help lift herself up and then sell her sob story so everyone will feel sorry for her. But it's her cycle and it's just who she is. I've accepted that it's just never going to change and I get to perfect my adapting skills.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Sita Tara's picture

SD's psychologist explained personality disordered people to us on the last visit as unable to see things in shades of gray. They live in the extreme of black and white. It is all in absolutes, as in "You never support me" "You always put me down" etc. Or if it's a positive experience it must be the best/most important as in, "She's my favorite friend" "You're the best mom" etc. This outlook means relationship are impossible, because those of us who have them successfully know that there are many shades to each, many pieces to the complex puzzle.

So when you're crazy BM's seem to go from one extreme to the other, keep in mind they live in the land of extremes. When things are quiet, calm, and gray...they have to disrupt them to relieve anxiety and feel comfortable. SD shows this symptom often. Either we are the best parents and her mom is horrible, or her mom is the coolest and we're the meanest. There's no inbetween.

Peace, love, and red wine

kysmom's picture

I do understand that every situation is different and we can only speake from experience. My experience is that I do not pitty our BM at all!!! Like Anne, our BM is just a nasty, jealous & mean person. She will never be happy & she will spend every minute making sure my BF is not happy. We have had visitaiton denied on a constant basis over the past 6 months because the only way to effect BF is to use his children as pawns.
I am sure there are some wonderful BM's out there but our BM is not one of them.

Elizabeth's picture

She was young and naive when she met my husband. Got pregnant accidentally only their second time sleeping together. The day he was going to break up with her, she told him she was pregnant. They moved in together, but he didn't marry her until SD was 6 months old because he wasn't sure she was his (had a blood test). She gained 100 pounds while she was pregnant! They split up less than two years later. So her first experience with marriage and motherhood was not fun. But the divorce was 12.5 years ago, so you'd think she would be over it by now! (She's not.)

DYNAMITE's picture

I have heard stories of how BM's mother would be verbally abusive to her ex-husband (who had molested BM, she too has a very erie relationship with him-its called Stockholm Syndrome) So I believe that they have always been that way and it just gets worse when they become older. Just like Depression. Our BM has some serious issues that she has not came to par with and I know she is transfering all that crap onto her children.

The funny thing is is that they think that all the material posessions in the world cannot take the place of their problems yet they think more, more, more will make them happy and it doesn't