noexcuses's picture

Did your current relationship start out as an affair?

I'm new to the site and that's the situation I'm in: my BF is still married, in the midst of a nasty divorce and I am the 'other woman.' If you're in the same situation, please post your stories here. I'm interested in hearing about the step-children from hell (esp. teenagers!), and how you have explained/coped with the situation.

DEB's picture

Did your current relationship start out as an affair?

My current relationship did start out as an affair and my boyfriend in the beginning had no intentions of leaving his wife. Things progressed in our relationship and we really fell hard for each other, very unexpectedly. I knew he was married and he had 3 children and had to stop and ask myself, "Did i really want to get my heart broken in this situation?" Wife did find out about me (but she was seeing others as well) she freaked!!! So anyway, he moved out of house and was staying with friends, but going home occasionally to see kids and what not. Then moved out permanantly and filed for divorce. I was the almighty "HOMEWRECKER". The one that made my boyfriend's ex ask him "Is she worth it?" The one that had my boyfriends mother calling him screaming that he better not abandon those children!!! The one that the ex bad mouthed to the kids on a daily basis. The one that the ex would ask "Is she prettier than me?" It was an explosive part of my boyfriend and I's relationship and a true test to say the least! He got his kids every other weekend just with an agreement with the ex (nothing signed legally). After a year of dating my boyfriend and I moved in together. I was still in college and after I graduated my boyfriend filed for joint custody of his 3 kids. We have his kids every other week, 50/50 with ex. This entire situation was a huge RESPONSIBILITY. I went from graduating college student, future R.N. to a girlfriend and step-mother of 3 overnight. It was alot to handle. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't change my experiences for the world! My boyfriend's children when I first met them were 5 yr old son (clone of his father), and two 1 yr old beautiful twin little girls. I love those kids more than anything in the world! They are not my flesh and blood, but they are everything to me. It's hurtful, don't get me wrong when I see how poorly the ex cares for those kids. She is an evil, miserable human being. And I'm not just saying that bc she is my man's ex-wife, I'm saying it bc everyone that knows her says the same. But, now after 2 years together (kids and all) this is my life and I plan on marrying this man one day (and his children.) And although I want to scratch the dreaded ex's eyes out when I see her, and send those kids back when they misbehave or have gotten on my last nerve, I try to make the most of it. He/She who angers you, controls you. I refuse to let that happen. So good luck with your relationship! If you're like me it is an unbelievably bumpy ride, but incredibly worth it in the end!

Thankful's picture

Thank You

for sharing your experience. My boyfriend and I (actually my soulmate) talked yesterday about the fallout from him leaving. I have known them as a couple and know all too well what a manipulator she is. One of his concerns about leaving is that his boys will forever hate me - he has 4 aged 11 - 16 - as well as her family harassing me on a daily basis (we live in a small town). I am very realistic about what is going to happen but truly found your note encouraging.

Sita Tara's picture

Hmmm....

I'm not sure if you are the person who posted the original question, but if you would please send me a personal email I have a great deal about your situation to share in a personal email that I'm not comfortable sharing in a blog response. Smiling
Peace, love, and red wine

Stepmalla's picture

Well..

We started dating more than 9 months after they split up and she left town (and started dating another fellow), but before the divorce was done. When she heard we were dating, she went around writing emails to people we knew, saying "we were having an affair while they were married". I guess that helps her sleep at night. Luckily, people who know all of us, know better, so her slander didn't hurt us.

It's unfortunate that she has indoctrinated my stepchildren with this belief, and we've tied our own hands by trying to take the high road with them and not involve them in adult matters. I think they are starting to come around. Perhaps in time they will understand.

I don't know what to do but to live the truth, and in time the children will hopefully figure it out. I guess my worry has mostly been about how they will accept their half-brother or sister, when he/she comes.

wookie15's picture

Mine did...

Me and my current bf worked together. We're both military which made it a little complicated. I started liking him when we were hanging out in a bar somewhere in Nevada. We were really drunk and he walked me to my room. I'm not sure what happened but the last thing I remembered was him kissing me. I freaked out because I had a bf at the time and he was married. I told him to get out and that was last time we ever hung out. Didn't know but later on I started liking him little by little. A couple of months passed and me and my bf broke up. I've been observing my crush for awhile and noticed he was hiding something. He seemed unhappy about something and was very good hiding it. I also noticed that he talked a lot about his son but not his wife. Then I thought hey I'm going to tell my crush that I like him, just to see what he'll do. So I did it via email because I didn't have the guts to tell him face to face. The worst he could say was he was flattered but married. To my surprised he didn't say that. He wanted to hang out. I was shocked and scared. We met that night just for a few minutes. After that we met a couple of more nights we didn't do anything but just talk about his wife. He told me he fell out of love with his wife and wanted a divorce. I'm not sure why he didn't do it sooner, I guess he wanted to stay for his son. What pushed the divorce was when his wife found out about me through some of his emails. That made him really mad and told her he wanted a divorce. It was a big shock for the chain of command, but the people that worked with him said he was talking about it for a long time. At that time we were getting ready to deploy. However on the very last minute something happened, I was left behind and he was sent on deployment with the command. Now I 'm waiting for him to get back in April. I don't know his wife very well so I'm not sure how she's going to treat me. We are no longer in the same command which is great. This is still a fresh relationship. I've met his son twice and I want to make sure he doesn't get use to me. Anything could happen between me and his dad. So that's my story, I told the same story on another website and got shunned badly. I just knew he was unhappy. I don't know why his wife didn't see that. Right now she's giving him a hard time about money. She wants to use the money meant for their son to pay her bills. She has a job now but I guess it's not paying her enough. He knows she has money. I just hope they both can figure this out. I really don't have a say in it. I just have to sit and watch. Please don't shun me.

LVmyBOXERS's picture

Well

My DH's wife left him. We were working together and I had just had my heart broken as did he. We start hanging out and as I tell him, he just never went away. Of course, once her infidelity came out, she was all but dead in his eyes. I do not consider myself being "the other woman", others may disagree. I am the only person he was with after her. She too was dating before the divorce was final. I do not regret at all the way things turned out. We both believe we were meant to be together.

Anne Summers's picture

Nope...I didn't break up their marriage

They did that all own their own. Smiling

I started talking as friends to my DH online about six months before we ever met in person for our first date. At the time DH & I began talking he had been legally separated from his ex for about 6 months (I actually thought they were already divorced). Although they were physically separated (living in two different states on opposite sides of the US) for longer. When DH & I had our first date it was months after his divorce was final. So it wasn't me that broke them up.

Although his Ex-wife has told their daughter(7) that it was my fault they divorced. That they would have never divorced if I had not came into the picture. Can we say "fruitcake"??? Laughing out loud

Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat.

NaturallyMom's picture

I hear you on this one lady.

I hear you on this one lady. (Sorry, I just read this after I did the post.)
Some people are out of this world. I don't think it is just women who do this either because I know some men are just as delusional too.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

"I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the end your right to say it," - Voltaire

Harleygal's picture

Yes and no

x

lovin_my_life's picture

"The Other Woman"

My relationship with my SO did start out as an affair. We were both married at the time and we worked together. The attraction was instant, but because we were both married we tried not to let our feelings for each other get in the way....But they did. So about 4 months after starting an intimate relationship he told his ex wife that he has been seeing somebody else and it's time to start the separation/divorce process. She took it hard, but freaked out when she found out that I was 10 years younger. I think at first she hoped the 3 skids wouldn't like me, but they fell in love with me. It still has it's hard times; the kids walk on broken glass around her, the 11yr old SS deleted Christmas pics of me from his camera, but kept my kids on there.... It's sad. I will always be known as the other woman, the mistress, whatever. My skids will sometimes tell her how much fun I am, or that I dress nice and it's more than she can handle. It took me a long time to realize that happily married people don't cheat. I wanted to blame myself for breaking up a marriage, but I had to realize that I didn't. His family is trying to come around , but the BM is "so perfect because she bakes cookies and makes playdough figures with the kids". His family is also very Catholic, and their religious beliefs play a huge part in their acceptance to me. I've only met his brother and he seemed okay with me (he was probably taking his bi-polar meds that day!) but his father has made it clear that he will NEVER accept us (me). We have a long road ahead of us, but we're not going to let every opinion bring us down.

wow's picture

Another Way

to look at that could be once a cheater always a cheater. A person makes strides to get out of a bad marriage and a decent person doesn't cheat on his wife and children. Theres never a reason to cheat or bring another person into the picture, so inadvertantly you may have doomed your relationship. Because those children will exert a lot of pressure on him and will be in his life forever and they will remember that you were (both of you) responsible for breaking up their family.

We have people on this forum that complain and complain about the kids and ex wife and how they are nasty to them or have froze them out of their lives. Hmmmm Then you find out they had an affair with their husband/dad and realize the poster is probably getting their just desserts. Moral of the story, you never get involved with someone who is married.

Sita Tara's picture

I don't believe that stereotype

Once a cheater...always a cheater. It's not true. Look, I have been in this person's shoes. I am not a mean vindictive person, and I never in a million years thought I would get involved with a married man, but I did. I never planned it, as a matter of fact I fought my feelings tooth and nail. And as Crayon said, I would never do it again for all the heartache it cost everyone involved. And the part of me I almost lost completely. The part that believes in love.

That doesn't mean either that I will judge anyone who made it to the other side of the affair still together. I deeply loved the man I was involved with and he deeply loved me. But we had different expectations of what marriage was. I was divorced and knew I did the right thing. He felt divorce was not an option, and that it would mean he was a failure to everyone in his family, including his parents. I knew as a person cheated on before, I would never want someone to stay with me out of obligatioin, and that I wanted something way more if I ever married again. He and his wife value committment and obligation over personal happiness. I think those can't be mutually exclusive.

I have known this man since were were 16, and because of that history we still email occasionally. I told my H this from the start of our relationship, because I would rather find a man who's trust in me outweighs his ego, who can handle that I will have contact with him for the rest of my life, if only through email. My H had one question for me after I told him. "Did he show any remorse for the pain he caused you?" I told him he did. And that was that.

Occasionally my H asks if I've heard from him, and I tell him. I have shared my thoughts on writing a book about affairs to help other people in the midst of them, and my H supports it.

I am very grateful for the email penpal friendship I have with this man now, for now that we are years away from the devistation I can see him more clearly, and see why it wouldn't have worked. He's impatient in ways that would drive me nuts. And he is motivated completely by guilt. For instance beause we have shared the trials and tribulations of both our families with each other, I know his SS is severely depressed and in therapy. I also know if we would have ended up together he would have beat himself up about that- blamed himself for breaking up their family.

And when ever my H's exw lashes out at me I am grateful I didn't end up with the man who's exw would have been justified in hating me. When my SD glares at me I'm relieved to know it's not because I broke up her parents marriage. Those issues would make a difficult situation impossible for someone like me (as I've said many a time painfully self aware of the impact I have on others.)

ALL that being said, I never judged someone in this situation even before I was in it myself, even though I have also been on the opposite side of the coin and was cheated on by a SO for several years before breaking up with him. I never blamed the women he was involved with because they may have not even known I existed as they were usually one night stands.

Which brings me to something I know about affairs from both sides. There are all types of affairs ranging from just sex, to infatuation to ....yes....genuine love. I had the last of those and chose to let him go because I loved him and didn't want to see him in pain anymore. He chose to let me go for the same reason. Sometimes all the love in the world isn't enough to make it through.

So...to those posters/members going through trying to get to the other side of a relationship that began as an affair, I feel for you. I wouldn't want to be where you are now, but I still remember how heartbroken it was for me to end it.

However, I wouldn't give anything for the amazing, honest, mutually giving, supportive, pasionate, sincere, pure relationship I have found with the man I let in after my heart was broken.

For years I walked across hot coals for another, who let me go most of the distance then stand as my feet were burning. Then I met DH and realized that if necessary, he would walk the distance on those same coals to pick me up, carry me back, and unconditionally love my broken heart til it was mended.

And he did.

Goodluck to all still on those coals.
Peace, love, and red wine

Mich811's picture

I could've written this.

I could've written this. Exact same situation, including issues with his family.

NaturallyMom's picture

Freaking Nuts, I tell you

I would like to know how many are in this boat ...

My husband and I met two years after he got divorced. He dated several women before we met. He and I were friends and I thought he was a super dork. But UnderDog Syndrome kicked in and about 4 months later, I realized he looked really hot in glasses. Then I found out he had kids. ICK. But the kids grew on me and it was mutual. THEN one day SS8 (who was 5 at the time) says to his mom on the phone "yeah Dad's new girlfriend is really nice. she is really good with Play Doh."

Guess what happened almost 24 hours later? She calls his mother, his sister, all his friends and says he was cheating on her and that is why they got divorced and I am the other woman. FREAKING NUTS I TELL YOU.

Clearly this is a distorted version of reality which is onset by enraged jealousy. However, FREAKING NUTS is the best analysis at this point.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

"I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the end your right to say it," - Voltaire

oneneo25's picture

please help

I was looking 4 the solution to the same problem, but mine is an affiar and i need to get out because its emotionally tireing and depressing.

after breaking up with my boyfriend who i have a child with i suddenly fell in love or rather i say i was attracted to this guy i work with and we started kissing and hugging and cuddling for about 5 months b4 we eventually engage in sex it was a nice feeling at that moment and as he is married or sort of he is staying with his girlfriend for like 7 years and they have 2 children. Now suddenly when i felt guilty of what we were doing i told him 2 stop he refused and told me that he want me and want to have a future with me he want to leave his sort of wife and be with me.

this thing went on for like 1 year 6 months now and everytime i want us to stop he tells me that he loves me and that he has found some happiness with me and he want a future with me and on the other hand i have tried to manipulate him to leave his wife but he all the time tell me that he cannot afford to be with me because we have to find a place for ourselves and that we all cannot afford at the moment so we should rather get rid of our little debt so we can afford to get a house together, i love this guy and know what i am doing by being with him is not right and now i feel in my heart and my soul that this thing will never work because everytime he tells me about his family or children i get so very hurt i am not sure if maybe i am jeolous or what but is the feeling i have. I told him many times that i want to be with him that i want a future with him but he does not respond much all he tells me is that it will happen and we must not be in a hurry. because the main thing is that he is still leaving with his wife he goes to her everyday when he is not with me, we spend more time together but i still feel that something is not clicking between me and him because i think if he says he loves me that much he should have left his wife long ago to be with me and also that he should make a plan for us to find a place to stay. I feel very sad and hurt because i know i love this guy very much or maybe i think i love him but what hurt me most is that he cannot make a clear decision to come live with me because he says he does not love his wife anymore and that he does not have any feelings for her anymore and that they are not having sex anymore and all that i find it very hard to believe because my question is how can u stay all this time with somebody you don't feel anything for?. last year we agreed that this year we should find a place to stay but when i hear from his talking i feel like i do not feature in his future and i have asked him many times where our relationship is only for sex and everytime he declare to love me.

the question is , how to handle all this, is this thing gonna ever work if maybe i should prepare myself for the disappointment, does he really loves me, if so why does it takes him so long to want to live with me.

I know this thing has started as an affair with a married man, but it all started as aflirt and one thing lead to another until it grew so big. the moments i am happy with him are very few because most of the time we arque about whether we should continue with this or what and everytime i tell him to leave this thing he beg me very hard and because i feel i love him i eventually give up agree to stay with him even if he goes back to her everyday when we are not together.

since last december i have lost a little bit hope i had os being with him and everytime somethings tell me to stop everything and come out of this misery. when the days goes by it all come back to me that i realise that he will never leave his wife so as for all the people who have told me before, but sometimes i tell myself that maybe he will, i want to stop this thing and i think i need all the strength i can get or some advice of what i may do about all this mess. there is so much i can say about this realtionship, like ven that he is so jeolous or rather obsessed about the friendship i have with other guys and i don't think its healthy, at some point i think i know all the answer to solve this thing or that i know what the solution is but i don't have the courage or maybe i need the reassurance that this thing will work or not before i take action, but my instinct tells me to end all this.

could anyone please help, or refer me to where i can get help, because sometimes i can feel that i am so depressed about all this.

thank you.

Sita Tara's picture

I can help you leave the affair

Can you send me a private message?
I don't want to give details here. But I know first hand the heartbreak you're dealing with, the seemingly impossibility of ever moving on and being happy. I have survived it myself as well as helped a few other women through.

Peace, love, and red wine

ShirlyWillHelpU's picture

He's a creep

I can only go by what you posted so here goes: A) He's a creep for cheating on his girlfriend. Apparently he's not married nor ever married the mother of his children, basically their just shacking up. Even though technically he's single, he is still deceiving her and would likely do the same to you. His actions speak clearly to me, he doesn't want to leave her. Not only that, why wouldn't you just stop all contact with him and in no uncertain words tell him you can't see him until he is living on his own and not with his girlfriend. Then and only then could you begin to have a relationship. Why would you want to move in with someone you really don't know who has children anyways? Too many women are needy and give the milk away and in the process end up taking care of another mans children. Get some self-esteem and stop chasing this guy, in my book he's a loser and you probably need to raise the bar. Because in 7 years you'll likely be in her shoes.

Sita Tara's picture

Ok ok.. I finally posted some details

Check out my response to another post above - about not believing in stereotyping affairs. Then if you want to send me an email, or let me know where to email you.

Peace, love, and red wine

Judy L's picture

Hmmm...

I walked in to my first marraige with this statement- "We love each other, we are in love with each other. If there is ever a time when that love isn't enough for you, then you need to be adult enough to tell me. If we can't make it work, then we need to end it. There is no reason for you to cheat." Needless to say, he cheated, I left. With my now fiance, we both said the same thing. With him being deployed now, trust is a major issue. Especially after what happened with my ex. I don't think that there is any excuse for anyone to cheat. If you are so unhappy that you are thinking of turning to someone else for comfort, maybe you should talk to your SO. If you have tried that, and nothing has changed, then you need to be mature and get out of the relationship. Just my two cents.

Anne 8102's picture

As a "step-child from hell" myself...

I can tell you that the relationship I had with my father was forever impacted by his infidelity to my mother and by the awful way he let his wife (he married the woman he was cheating with) treat me. I haven't had a relationship with my father in over twenty years and I don't anticipate ever having one with him. He has five grandchildren that he will never meet, poor man.

The heart loves where it will. I have no problem with my father falling out of love with my mother, divorcing her and moving on with someone else. My mother is not the most pleasant person to be around, they were not compatible in any way and only married because - oops! - she was pregnant with me. What I do have a problem with was the way it happened. He cheated on her for years before she finally found out and it totally devestated our entire family.

Falling in love is something we can't help. We can't control that. We can, however, control with whom we have sex. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think cheating is wrong. Tell the other person it's over, then you can have sex with whomever you want and it won't be cheating. The divorce doesn't have to be final, but your spouse should be told it's over before you sleep with someone else.

My father is out of my life not because he fell in love with someone other than my mother. He's out of my life because he didn't have the guts, the integrity or the respect to tell my mother it was over before he started having sex with other people. He's out of my life because his second wife spoke viciously to me, refused to give him messages when I called, threw out the letters I'd sent him without showing them to him and did anything and everything else she could to cut me and my sister out of his life. But HE was our father and HE should have had the guts keep his daughters in his life, despite what his second wife wanted.

So I guess you could say, when the final tally is in, that I have no relationship with my father now because I have no respect for the man. I understand he's only human and I hold no grudges against him, but I lost the respect that I used to have for him.

I'm curious about the "step-children from hell" comment, though. I'm wondering what makes you call them that.

~ Anne ~

P.S. I remembered that I should probably post about my experiences on the other end of that particular spectrum. Not about having been cheated on... I have been, same old boring story, nothing new to post about. But I fell hard for a co-worker a long time ago who was separated from his wife. When he first asked me out, I declined due to him being married, but when he told me that he was legally separated and living apart from his estranged wife, that seemed okay to me. So I embarked on a relationship with this guy and it was the stuff movies and romance novels are made of. He had "the one" written all over him. For almost a year, I was in sheer heaven. It was absolute bliss. Then I found out that he had lied about being separated. He wasn't... he was cheating. As perfect as he had seemed before, I lost all respect (and love!) for him as soon as I found out he was actually not separated. To me, things like loyalty, fidelity, integrity and being a stand-up guy are the sexiest qualities in a man. Hmmm, I've been mad at DH all week... thanks for the reminder of why I married him! Eye-wink

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

gobbism's picture

Yes it did

We knew each other and briefly dated before either of us were married, 15 years before we became reacquainted. This time, it was an affair for him but not for me.

One day we ran into each other by chance and talked about doing lunch. I could see that that prospect frightened him so it didn't happen, but a month or so later we saw each other again, and again talked about lunch. A week or so later it did happen. the chemistry was still very strong, but actually quite different, I mean I think HE had grown up in that time.

When we took it to the romantic level I said, "I don't know where we are going with this but whatever you do with me is your choice and your responsibility, not mine." I had cheated on my ex before I split with him.
"I understand what can make someone cheat and it is not a good thing so you should ask yourself why you are doing this and what might be missing from your marriage."

My god, I really did more or less say all that to him but I still did not take him seriously because I was pursuing someone else at the time and was gradually realizing that that was going nowhere, but as long as someone else had that part of my heart, I did not take my affair seriously.

I finally decided that THIS was the one and that there were 2 possible outcomes.

1. He would never see me again and renew his marriage.
2. He would leave her for me.

He chose number two. That's when I started really thinking about what I was getting into.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the more I have come to know about the ex, the more I understand why he found me so appealing.

GABBA GABBA HEY!!!

Mrs Katch 22's picture

not married, but both were kind of in relationships

I had a boyfriend at the time. My now DH and I hooked up 14 months after SD was born. He said BM and him used to fight a lot so he moved away to college for a few months, then came back. I don't know if they were in a relationship, but obviously, eight years later, she still hasn't had closure...so she may of assumed he would always be there for her just because she got knocked up. So, this went on..I had a boyfriend for two more years..then he found out about me and my now DH. My now DH knew I had a bf at the time, but he didn't care.

viviana's picture

affair with married man

i too had an affair with a married man, at first we only talked on the phone, then we fell in love. He lives in New Mexico, and travels a lot with his job as he's in industrial construction, he has no kids with his wife, claimed to not know why he even married her, told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he had to be careful because she would take everything away from him. I bought it, then all of a sudden, he stops calling me and taking my calls. Question is, should i call her or not? I'm not vindictive, but I feel very used and stupid at this time. The breakup of the relationship hurt, but not as much as realizing he's not the man I thought he was.

Any ideas?

skyisfalling's picture

She was probably catching

She was probably catching onto stuff. She probably felt that something was out of place and questioned him about it. That's probably why he hasn't called you. If I were you, I would try to forget him and just move on. It will be the hardest thing for you to do but it will save you the heartache that you would endure if the relationship went further. Believe me, I know. Sometimes I wish I would have done that instead of going through everything that I am right now.

"Look at how far you've come and stop concentrating on how much further there is to go."

"For the love of herself, she acknowledged her worth."

Sita Tara's picture

tough to take

My relationship was nothing like yours, we both ended up walking away for the sake of both our happiness, though I didn't feel I had any choice of course.

In your case I understand the feeling that you want her to know, to have a choice herself. Others won't get that, will think it's all because you want to pay him back... but I know it's more. At least it was for me.

But I never disrupted the peace in his home, any more than my presence in his life already had. They are still together, I'm happily married now, and he and I still send emails now and then as friends (we have known each other since we were teens.) My husband knows all about my past with this man, and that we are still friends. He is ok with it and trusts me. I will never do anything to betray that.

You are hurting but know that relationship was not a waste of your time, as all "failures" teach us more of what we really want and need from a relationship in the future.

For instance when I met DH, and he didn't have to think very hard about how crazy he was about me, about if I was worth pursuing on my terms, if our crazy blended family would be worth the hassle...well his decisive nature was in his favor big time I'll tell you.

Love shouldn't be that hard. The decision should be clear, and if he is the kind of man that follows his heart, he'd already have done it. If this man comes around again, maybe when things cool down at home, please remember how bad you feel right now. AND don't let it happen to you again. I have seen friends go on and on in this cycle. Take it as a learning experience. And the next FREE guy who pursues you like you're the best thing since ESPN....make sure you give THAT one a chance!

Goodluck
Peace, love, and red wine

babs's picture

affair and kids anger

i had an affair with friend and colleague that i knew 5 yrs before. both now divorced but my 3 children aged 12, 15, 16 all girls will not have anything with my boyfriend. how can i move on to marriage.

Mine did.......'s picture

My relationship started as

My relationship started as an affair with my boyfriend almost 4 years ago. It was no walk in the park but I would not change anything about it. I was raised in a great family. My parents are still married after 36 years and I was taught that family is the most important thing you have in this world. I was 25, living on my own, a college graduate and working full time when I met him. I actually knew him many years ago and ironically ran into him several years later at the mall. I knew he was married and he asked how I was and gave me his card to casually to get together for lunch or something. Neither one of us knew it was going to lead into a full blown relationship but it did. It did not even turn physical until almost 6 months later. It was more of an emotional relationship than anything and I think they are more damaging than a sexual one. He has a child with his ex wife and he moved out when the child was only 4 months old because she found out he was having an affair. I truly believe he wanted to leave but given the situation I knew he was stuck between a rock and a hard shell. I know she despises me and probably always will but that has not stopped us from continuing our relationship. I think each day things get easier, especially now that she is getting married and the child is going on 4 years old. I get along with his child so well and I know the child cares for me. She goes home and tells her mom all the time and then she will call my boyfriend and tell him that certain things we do together are hurtful to her and so on. He will live with a lot of guilt but I know that time will eventually heal everything. I do not ever want to be friends with his ex wife but would like to be civil for the child's sake. They did not ask for any of this. I think it is important to maintain a stable and ground relationship in all aspects. I know I will always be known as the homewrecker but the only thing I can continue to do is be good to their daughter and treat her as is she were my own. I already think I have proven myself because she knows he would not still be with me if I was this terrible person. Looking back I honestly would not change anything because I love my boyfriend very much but if given the chance in the future I would not recommend this to anyone. Each situation is different but the demolition and hurt and pain is something that noone should ever have to go through. Like I said before this wasn't easy and wasn't fun but in the end it was well worth it to me. I think everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be it will be! I do not like to be judged given the circumstances but I know it is what I signed up. It has been almost 4 years and we are still going strong.......

sarita's picture

yeah, it did

Sorry to bring back such an old thread, but I just found this site and I felt compelled to post here.

I met my BF at work like many others. We were just friends for a long time, then it turned physical. I feel madly in love with him almost right away. I always knew that he was the one person I would change my entire life for. This carried on for 3 years, we were both married. Finally, my husband read my email and found us out. At the time, his wife was pregnant, but he left her to be with me anyways. We caught so much crap for that. We deserved it, but still, it was rough. He has three kids, 3, 20 months and 7 months. We have been living together for a year now and for someone who never wanted kids, having 3 babies around has been a huge and difficult adjustment.

I often feel so guilty about not liking that I have to give up my hard earned money and every weekend to be with these little kids. He had to get a second job because the CS was just killing us, so I never see him and I miss him. I count my blessings that the kids are young enough not to really understand what is going on, and that his ex isn't nearly as crazy as she probably could be. But I still often resent them and the time he has to spend away from me. I want to thank you all for posting your experiences, it feels good to know I am not alone in my struggles.

Hester Prynne's picture

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

"Don't believe any of what you hear, and only half of what you see." Not sure of the attribute on either cliche, but when you are "the other woman," APPLY THEM. You must decide if what you are getting from the relationship is sufficient for your happiness. Decide by your lover's deeds (not his words) whether he intends to leave his marriage or not. Talk is cheap (another cliche!) and unless he follows up words with action, he is either (i) not sincere in his feeoings about you; or (ii) doesn't have the courage to make a change in his life to include you on a legitimate and permanent basis.

Excuses are just that...bullshit, lame excuses! A man who truly and deeply loves you and feels you are meant to be his companion will behave as such. He will want to be with you and make your relationship real.

My story has a happy ending. My current boyfriend and I began our relationship as an affair. We didn't set out to fall in love. He was unhappily married (since my definition of "happy" marriages don't include trolling around on the Internet for conversation and companionship) and I was recently divorced. We met for a few "harmless" drinks one night when I got stood up by another guy and his wife was out of town. But after that night, we both believed in love at first sight. From that moment on, we were deeply connected and our love continues to grow even though it has been almost a year since that night. We both agree that our first marriages didn't even include love at all, if how we feel about each other was how we were SUPPOSED to feel all along. Wow.

R (the bf) and I were successful due to frequent honest check-ins with each other. We set a 6-month deadline for dating him, after which we would end the affair if he had not decided to leave his marriage. Neither of us wanted to be permanent cheaters and we got NO thrill or adrenaline rush from the secrecy. We hated the lies and deception. But he couldn't leave a 17-year marriage and two teenage kids on a whim, nor did I want him to. We both agreed to see what would/could happen between us first. As we hit road bumps along the way, we always talked them out and came to agreement or compromise in a loving manner. Neither of us ever doubted that we were supposed to be together.

The night before the six-month mark, he emailed me a copy of the letter he had written to his wife, explaining the affair, how it came to be, all of the negatives of their life together that had led to that point, the unhappiness he had experienced in the marriage, his sorrow for the affair and for being unable to make her happy, and his request to end the marriage so they could both pursue their happiness and care for their children in the best possible manner. He described me and explained he was in love with me in a way he unfortunately had not been with her, and that he apologized for the hurt this would cause her. It was moving to the point of tears and made me realize what a truly unique man I had been blessed to meet. His words were full of kindness and compassion and sadness. His complete and total honesty about the affair and the events before and after it allowed us to move forward in a way that was appropriately remorseful but not apologetic. The ensuing transition period was not easy for any of us, but he never wavered in his behavior or decision. It was the consistency of his ACTIONS, not the words he told me, that gave me the peace of mind that we would remain together and pursue a happy path.

He was also straightforward with all of his friends, family and even the children. He put it simply and sincerely: "Yes, we had an affair while I was still married. We are not proud of how we began, but we are deeply in love with one another and very happy together...happier than either of us has ever been. I love P(me) very much and know that eventually, if you give her an honest chance, you will come to love her as much as I do. She is a great person." His faith in us and our relationship, and his bold and confident statement of his feelings for me, allowed those who loved him to learn to love and accept me sooner.

I will be forever grateful for the manner in which he chose to handle our situation. There is an enormous shame and burden of guilt associated with being "the other woman" - that most despised of heathens, the homewrecking whore of marital mythology. Every "other woman" is just a woman inside, full of love for a man who may or may not have her best interests at heart. My man showed me through his actions - leaving his marriage in a truthful and respectful manner after a disrespectful sequence of events - that he did not want me to bear this stigma or shame. He wanted us to be a real couple, and at every step of the way, his actions proved that to me.

If your married lover isn't doing the same things mine did, leave him at once. He is only using you for his own gratification. The price is too high to pay if you don't get true love and happiness when all is said and done.

Sometimes people with integrity nonetheless do have affairs, but they make them right as soon as they can and let the healing process begin for everyone.

Sita Tara's picture

Such a tough road to hoe

"There is an enormous shame and burden of guilt associated with being "the other woman" - that most despised of heathens, the homewrecking whore of marital mythology. Every "other woman" is just a woman inside, full of love for a man who may or may not have her best interests at heart."

Having once been that "most despised of heathens" myself for a several years, I think you said this well. Would have PM'd you, but it doesn't appear you have a membership to do so.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra