ownedbypedro's picture

When husband doesn't "defend" you...

Okay, I promise...not "wallowing in the past" but, having found this great forum and FINALLY having a safe outlet...just going back over some things and wondering...

have any of you ever hand an incident where your husband should have/could have come to your defense and didn't?

Here is ONE example from my life:

EONS ago I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. The skids' bm told them the REASON I had a miscarriage is because I DESERVED IT because the baby could not possibly have belonged to DH because he couldn't have more children.

COMPLETELY UNTRUE OF COURSE...and dh told the boys it wasn't true. Then I said "aren't you going to call her on this?" Well...noooooooo, he didn't want to "upset the boys."

OMG...REALLY? As if the kids weren't already upset by what their mother had told them and he just let her get away with it. I'm sorry but he owed it to HIS KIDS to call her on telling them such an upsetting LIE and he owed it to me, HIS WIFE to call her on it.

Nope...nothing. And so it went for YEARS until I finally got OUT...but I feel like I'll be "in recovery" FREEKING FOREVER!!!


ownedbypedro's picture

Thanks!! I LOVE IT HERE!! I

Smiling Thanks!! I LOVE IT HERE!!

I have often said that DH was the KEY to making our blended family successful or not...NOT ME, NOT THE SKIDS, HIM. Instead he decided that sticking his head in the sand was the way to go. His loss.

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

giveitago's picture

There's also the possibility

There's also the possibility that DH is NOT going to cater to BM's manipulations or be drawn into a 'pissing contest' with her. In time the kids will see for themselves, they'll come to know exactly what went on as they come into their 'introspection' phase in life.
Personally, I am big enough and ugly enough to stand up for my OWN self and if I allow DH to stand for me then I am admitting a weakness within my own self. Just my opinion...
I did create my own boundaries with BM, DH has his too. There is also a boundary line around OUR HOME! Like STAY in your vehicle or on the sidewalk BM!
I had to create my own relationships with SKids too, I am not their mother and it took time to bond with them and it was hell on wheels at times but I love them more than they'll ever know. They did not value what I brought into their lives until they were much older, they are of age now and have done some thinking. It all worked out!
I had a miscarraige years ago too, the pain does not go away but it does subside and I recognized that hormones played a huge part in how emotional I was at the time too. Can I ask you to consider that in a highly emotional state the stupid bullshit is amplified.

I forgive but I am damned if I'll forget!

paul_in_utah's picture

I'm glad that things worked

I'm glad that things worked out for you, but I believe that your experience is the exception. Far more step-parents end up having adult skids who never appreciate them. And usually those adult kids are still in full on "hero worship" mode for the bio-parents, regardless of how badly the bio-parents treated them.

Free-range parenting means step-kids never having to say they're sorry.

Not-the-mom's picture

Yes, I have had those times

Yes, I have had those times when my DH didn't speak up when his skids or his mother would say or do something that was disrespectful to me. We were just talking about a situation where his mother (who has since passed on) said something in our home to his kids that was very disrespectful towards me - it concerned something I was doing in MY OWN HOME that she didn't like....I was playing Wii and laughing louder than SHE liked. Sticking out tongue

My husband said I was just fine, but his mother felt it was her place to comment to the kids about it. I wish my DH had said something right then to his mother. How it was very inappropriate for her to direct comments to the skids about how I laughed (which wasn't that loud) in MY OWN HOME!

It can be very frustrating to rethink about all the times our DH's should have stood up for us. My DH and I have had long talks about it, and that is ONE on many reasons we are distancing ourselves from his kids. He has finally seen that he needs to step boundaries with them.

In processing past events, it can help us learn to avoid making the same mistakes again and again.

You are not alone in your feelings and frustrations. Eye-wink

Keep the faith!

tigerbum's picture

So BM came round the house

So BM came round the house after school with the children to ask for more money. What she didnt know that i was off work ill that day and sat in the living room listening to her sweetly asking for money for the kids activities right in front of the kids. SO explained to her that why is she bringing the kids round with her to ask in front of them and that is what his maintenance is for ($2300) a month! When she didnt get her own way she lost the plot completely shouting and swearing and basically making a fool of herself in front of the whole street.

She then wouldnt let the children speak with him when he called and spent the next 15 minutes on the phone screaming about me!!!

HOLD UP! What's this got anything to do with me. What because i was helping SO grow some balls and stick up for himself. Since i came along blah blah blah your not the same man (thank god that i did come along) and how the kids are going to ask you to choose between them and her, etc etc. Anyway this went on for 15 minutes and NOT ONCE did he stick up for me or hang up on her or do anything to defend me.

Well i cant really remember the rest apart from being upset and horrified that this was happening. Next thing i know the red mist has come over me and i'm leaping across the room and shaking with anger at him. He didnt understand what my problem was as he thought it would be adding fuel to the fire....BULL SH!T.

Anyway I ended up having a few glasses of wine and emailing BM and she emailed back and we actually moved forward from it. All for nothing tho as me and SO have split up a month or so later. What these BD’s don’t realise is sometimes its too little too late!

Kes's picture

It is outrageous that your

It is outrageous that your husband did not defend you to the vile BM. However, in my own situation, I know that BM is incapable of telling the truth and being honest and decent, and I expect nothing but lies and other foul crap to come out of her mouth. I do not let it get to me.

I realise what happened hurt you a lot, but you should try to put it behind you and not give any more head room to such a worthless person.

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

ownedbypedro's picture

so, so true. This was very

so, so true. This was very early on when I still had grand illusions of everyone being one bign happy family. Imagine that!!

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Yep completely. It is often

Yep completely. It is often said that more second marriages break down than first marriages and now I am living this life I know why. I have 3 adult children all the same ages give or take a few months as my husbands three adult children, My kids all good, his sons well they would be all good, but his 30 year old daughter who has a live in boyfriend a new baby and a new home of her own is a wicked evil woman who has said and done so many things to me that I would have banned my own children from my home for if they had ever tried it on just once, but her, no she had to have chance after chance after chance, I needed to give her time, just ask my husband, I needed to understand HER feelings, what that she hated my guts before she ever met me because daddy wages were coming into our home now and not her purse - yeah I understood that all right, daddy needed to understand that one Smiling His exact words when she humilated me publicaly in front of friends and family and the humilation was so much I was in tears (more than one occassion),

"why can't you just put up with her crap and say nothing if you didn't say anything or get upset about this it would all be okay."

I have no idea what it is about men and their adult daughters, and I have never seen this bizare behaviour in a bio parent marriage, it seems to be something they save for the second wife. My husband actually got down on his knees and put the shoes of his then 28 year old daughter on her feet, and she stood there and let him .

I am physically still here in the matrimonia home however I am no longer in the marriage. I am now preparing myself for the day when I have my own life. Why, because my husband's daughter was rude to me, NO absolutely not, BECAUSE my husband never once in 8 years said one single word to her about her appallingly rude behaviour.

Now he is depressed because I have banned her from my home and told him if you want a life with your daughter a life that does not include me - go and live with your daughter because there is no way in hell she will be calling the shots in my life or treating me on a good day as though I do not exist and on bad day with more contempt than she would dog poo on the soles of her feet.

My husband has never defended me, in fact far, far worse than that he has actually let me take the blame for things that were his decision. ie; she wanted a new fridge for her new home, we had already purchased a new washing machine for her, and when she said you would buy it but for HER, he said nothing, not one word. In actual fact I had known nothing about her even asking in the first place. But the way he behaved it was convincing even me that I was the reason. I wasn't, he knew damnn well we didn't have the money and instead of saying that he just let her think it was me. He has fuelled bad blood between us and he is the reason I have problems with his kids, he is the reason our marriage is all but over.

The day she turned up on our doorstep and I went to him before answering the door to say she was here and I did not want her in my home again, I said to him either you open the door and tell her or I will. He said YOU tell her Of course that way he got to skulk around in the kitchen where he could hear everything but she could not see him, and I told her I wasn't going to put up with her anymore to leave and not come back. Now of course they stil chat on the phone seemingly about me the bitch not letting her come here and her poor daddy the victim of my control. Nothing to do with her behaviour and nothing to do with his gutlesness. Nope not at all. Smiling

Echo's picture

I never ask nor want for my

I never ask nor want for my husband to "defend me". I have a pretty decent brain and a pretty big mouth and it's 2011. I don't NEED any man to stand up for me. I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself, not matter what the situation. I'd actually be pretty pissed off if he tried to treat me like 'the little woman' by speaking for me.

If you wanted a message conveyed to the BM, you should have picked up the phone and delivered that message yourself, hon. Especially when your husband knew that's what you wanted HIM to do and he refused. But, as it was "eons" ago, I'd let it go but not forget: If you want to depend on someone to stand up for you, let it BE you.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

ownedbypedro's picture

I have a "pretty decent

I have a "pretty decent brain" too, thanks - and horray for you if you wouldn't be hurt that your husband didn't come to your defense over something like that.

No, it was HIS PLACE to handle that one, not mine.

If you are so perfect and so self sufficient, what the hell are you doing here? Come to save the rest of us?

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

Echo's picture

LOL Wow. Calm down. I was

LOL Wow. Calm down. I was in NO way insulting you, I was simply saying that "I" prefer to handle my OWN business. I did NOT say that you weren't intelligent or capable. Nowhere did I say I was perfect, either. Far from it. I'm not sure why you're offended that I'd rather handle my own business...? Honestly, I said NOTHING about YOU. You asked if we'd ever dealt with a DH not being defensive of us, and I answered your question as it pertains to ME.

I AM self sufficient and won't apologize for that. It's a great thing to be. Being self sufficient means "I" don't expect anyone else to care for me when I can do it myself. I've loved BEING self sufficient because it's shown my daughter that she doesn't need a big, strong man to 'take care of her'..she can do it herself.

Best of luck to you. If you felt that your husband should have defended you, then he should absolutely have respected that. He didn't and that's a problem for you that I hope he'll work with you to fix.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

liks's picture

I think that some men married

I think that some men married for stupid reasons to horrible women who dragged them down so much they lost their confidence and sense of themselves.....I think that some of our DH's are actually scared of the BM cos she has taken their everything from them....and that they have learnt to be a yes man as its just easier and it makes BM leaves him alone....

Then comes us......well no way are we going to let some bitch speak to our DH's like that....especially ones that took them for a ride

2nd thing is yes...we can stick up for ourselves but, some BM's say what ever they like to their ex's cos they have been doing just that for so long....and its hard to find out exactly what they say.

I would rather my DH go punch the living shit out of our BM if she ever said anything about me without me knowing....which Im sure she has...and I just wonder wot he has said to her about the crap she has said about me....cos I wont have anyone speaking ill of my husband...I hope he thinks the same....like the childish bitches that these BM's are...they need to be pulled up over speaking ill of nice people....so yes DH should say something....just wonder if they are strong enough to...

I would love the slags phone number to give the mole a mouthfull but DH wont give it to me...or let me do this, cos he knows wot Im like....Ill cut the slut up into little pieces just with my words.....and then I would give her number to my ex husband so he can have his say to her over the way she has slandered my kids.....but oh well.....my trucks bigger than her pussy leso jeep...so next time I see her on the road ill attempt to run her over....until then Ill just forget her and worry about my own life which is much more important than her stupid life.!!!!

'some parents really bring their children up'; others let them down!

Disneyfan's picture

My DF never gets a chance to

My DF never gets a chance to defend me. I have no problem standing up for myself.

Auteur's picture

A lot of these "chicken sh*t"

A lot of these "chicken sh*t" DHs prefer to take the "high road" right off the edge of a steep cliff. . .with SM breaking their fall of course.

The only thing these biodads should feel guilty about is the fact that they didn't wear a condom.

ybarra357's picture

While I don’t expect my DH to

While I don’t expect my DH to defend me when his neanderthal spawn act feral, it would have been nice if we would have presented a ‘united front’ during these times. He pretty much joined in throwing me under the bus.

When I ripped his fat ass daughter a new one, he had no problems letting me know how he didn’t want me to say anything to her. Tough shit – that bitch had it coming.

emotionaly beat up's picture

ybarra357, yep get that loud

ybarra357, yep get that loud and clear. In the beginning I said nothing as I felt Sk's had a mum and a dad. I would tell DH after the visit you need to deal with this or that, it's not on etc., I took a step back out of respect for my husband. However I also would have liked him to have shown a united front, he instead of standing up for me and getting his children to show some respect to both of us especially in our own home chose to accept whatever shit they dumped on him, and HE damn well did throw me under the bus.

He also was horrified when I took matters into my own hands with his daugher, and didn't mind telling me the first time I spoke up to her that it wasn't my place to do that. Now, to be fair, I agreed with him, and told him okay, when you man up and start pulling your adult children into line, then I will happily take a step back, but until that day, I will continue to put them in their place when in my home. He never did man up and take responsibility, my conscience is clear I gave him the heads up on where it was all going, and now SD cannot come back into my home or life ever again.

I guess when we are all saying defend us, we are not looking for a knight on a white horse to safe us, just wanting our husbands to do the right thing when HIS children are opening their smart mouths and being disrespectful to us, and to or DH's as well, because really IT IS THEIR PLACE AND THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO DO IT, not ours, I think stepping in as the SM often makes things a million times worse, and took the approch that as the adult I knew my place and it was not teaching my husband and his former wifes' children manners and respect, they had parents to do that. However after 8 years I twigged, neither parent was capable of that and then I did speak up. They had all had a good chance and a great run as far as I was concerned. So as I have said before, my conscidence on this is clear, and I am happy with my decision to ban her from my home and life. I think as you put it we all just want a united front, that's not too much to ask.

emotionaly beat up's picture

And that goforit is the

And that goforit is the problem. It is fine for you to put his sister in law in her place, but do not try it with his daughters that is a whole new ball game. I stayed out of it for years, I gave him ample opportunity to fix it, he knew that, and when I finally gave his daughter a serve, he backed her up. Thankfully not in front of her, but then again, he was absolutley on the phone talking to her the next day and when I asked him what she had to say for herself, he said "We didn't talk about it", so in affect, he let her know by his silence that she didn't have to worry about anything I said. He just rang her up made sure all was sweet and away we went again. I had words with his sister once and he backed me up big time, and that was a trivial one off matter with her, but his daughter out of bounds.