Step Talk

My BF's "x" tried to "take BF for everything" she could by lying extensively in court. She said HE was the control freak and was a bully and keep her in the dark about family finances implying that he was "financially abusive" and she was totally dependent on him..she had no access to the accounts..etc. A real load of crap! She had all the information it was left behind in the house...she knew we didn't have any paperwork or evidence to prove otherwise. But we fooled her there too...the bank keeps your financial records for 7 years....it took many, many weeks but we got all the information from them. She just about "sh*t her pants when we produced document after document..including a check she had written on his money..for $11,000.00" to prove what a lying fool she was!!!

All the bank accounts were joint and she used them constantly. Claimed that he didn't give her 1 penny in child-support, alimony, etc and after he left ..he stuck her with all the expenses of running the home....blah..blah.. Another load of crap...he didn't give her money directly because she was using "family money" to pay for motel rooms with her "internet men"..so he paid the bills directly..they were all in his name..and he wanted to make sure they got paid and she didn't screw up his credit. WE produced all the bills and cancelled checks...totally $4000. He paid child support.

Claimed that she couldn't go any further in her career...We knew that was crap. She had worked in a position for a year much much more money..but when it was offered to her she turned it down!!!
We got her personel file...(ordered through a judge)..proved her a liar on that one too. It was all in black & white.

Claimed her boyfriend was her "landlord" and they made up whatever number they wanted for "rent expenses". We proved his title through an obituary that refered to him as "companion" ...not her "landlord"

I could go on & on.....but you get the picture..

I read somewhere early on with this court/legal/nut-job stuff....too gather evidence..evidence...evidence.. Even if you can discredit her on little thing after little thing...when it comes down to a bigger thing..and it's down to he said..she said. You are the one with credibility!!! We won everything we wanted in court..because of this.

As far as more ..more ..more .. let her speak to your husband about it.. you don't owe it too her!!! And let her go after it in court..don't just hand it too her. And constantly keep notes..gather information..prepare your information ..like you are going to court next month..because she can take you back at anytime..suprise her by being ready for her.

Stay on her. Keep checking up on her. If you can get her to say these rediculous things via e-mail or note..even better!!

These nut-jobs aren't as smart as they think they are....they eventually loose track of their own lies......

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

PS
I try to limit my communication with my "x" to e-mails. That way he can't threaten me ..(as in the past)..or make crazy accusations..(as in the past) or hang up on me..or deny what I said..or what he said.. I have nothing to hide. I would rather have our conversations documented. He has admitted in writing that he told me to sign up the kids for Tae Kwon Do...his idea..and that he would pay for it... Then refused to pay after I already cut the checks. $690.00 x 2 but only 1 child was interested. He did the same thing with the other child. After I told her I couldn't afford to sign her up for hockey..he told her to go ahead he'll pay half.....then $1200.00 later he has contributed nothing!! (They were both around the same time..so I didn't know he would stiff me!) He won't admit that one in writing...but both children are witnesses! He's racking MY credit cards up..with his broken promises..while he's travelling all over the place every weekend partying!!! We haven't had our day in court yet.....

Document...document .. document....

Hey Lovin-life,

Thanks for your response! Yes, my husband went thru all the things that you described way before we met.

I think his ex-wife feels she was screwed in court (she wasn't, judgement was totally based on the laws of the state they divorced in). After my husband and I met and had gotten serious the problems started. I seriously think she is a pathological liar and she truely believes everything she says.

My husband and I have been happily married now for 6 years. The Ex-wife called me the day before my wedding to try to talk me out of marrying my husband, we had to have the phones manned at the chappel we were married in because she kept calling the chappel. She has told me her version of their marriage together (I have to say, the man she describes is not my husband). I have repeatedly caught her in lies and have pointed this out to her, I have also suggested to her that she should seek a qualified professional (Psyciatrist) to help her. She still calls, and keeps on with the lies. Unfortunately, there is an impressionable daughter involved. My SD was very young when her parents divorced. She had a wonderful relationship with her father and myself until she hit 9 yrs old. At age 9 her mother abrubtly quit sending her for visitation (different state). Then her mother tried to take us back to court for more money (mistake on her part, she didn't receive anymore money and got into trouble for the lack of visitation). It took two years to go thru the court system (my husband is military and was also deployed during a portion of this). We did not get to see my SD again until she was 11 years old and she was a totally different girl. We have found out that the mother has told her lots of untruths about my husband and myself, mostly thru emails (I monitor her email account when she is with us). Anyway, now our relationship with my SD is strained. It is really sad, she use to be so loving and she has two addorable little siblings on this half of the family that she just can't bother herself with.

My SD is 14 years old now. My husband and I have accepted the situation as it is. We focus on the children that we can help at this point (the two little ones). Our lawyer has told us that our case is quite common in the court system. Unfortunately, there are people out there who will use their children against a former spouse, without any care as to what it does to the child. My husband and I pray that when my SD has reached adulthood perhaps then she will be able to see that things were not quite what her mother told her. It is just so sad!

My SD's mother has also filled thier head with crap and they were much older, though. The youngest relationship with her father was strained for a couple years too...it broke his heart really they were so close...the "x from hell" sneered in court at him one day early on...."Daughter WILL NEVER LIVE WITH YOU!!!!" That backfired!

You should have seen the look of hatred on her face..as she snarled those words at him. (Just like she sneered "I'll take you for everything you have!") (Her face went all contorted and everything..like she was a horrible evil villian character on a BATMAN MOVIE OR SOMETHING..like the joker or penguin..only more evil and uglier!)

Her mother can't track all of her lies...it really does catch up with her and she never, never learns. She has made such a mess of her life!

These X's are "TOXIC PEOPLE" to be around..not just for the former husbands..the kids too will see the truth eventually and absolutely "HATE" the offending parent.

14 is a tough age..they are figuring things out..and think they know everything..and sometimes they're not big on discussing thier feelings with parents. Knowing what's up with the e-mails can help you do damage control by saying, doing, acting the opposite of what mommy dearest is trying to portray you guys as. It eventually won't make sense to the child..she will question the validity of her mothers statements after a while.

You know what's sad. The mother is so poison..she is jealous of her own daughter. The mother always wanted another Boxer dog..but didn't get one ..daughter got a boxer. The mother wanted a beautiful house..but because of her greed, vendictiveness..has to live in an old house with her mother. The daughter has a nice totally renovated house.
The mother won't come visit her. She'll visit her BF just up the road 4-5 times a week. but will not visit her daughter. She can't stand walking into her nice house,with her nice dog, a guy that would do anything for her...etc. All the things mother had once and threw away.

And when SD told mommy dearest that she was engaged and getting married in 2007. Instead being happy and excited for her...like everyone else was..she said "O great ..put me through that! Why don't you just go away and get married". It's all about the mother! She was devestated at her mother's reaction..I felt so bad for her.

What a poor excuse for a mother!! The last arguement they got into..was about SD insisting that mommy dearest pay back the money she stole ($6000.00 university money) from SD's bank account. And the final word from SD on the way out the door...was "F****ng Wh*re!".
She can only make so many excuses for her mothers bad behavior..and as they get older and take more of the brunt of it..as Dad had once done.. They see the true picture!!!!

Hang in there......

My posts are so long..I'm sorry!...I get going and sometimes I just can't stop

I just want to know what people think about this situation. I'm hurt and confused right now and it's hard for me to see what is right and wrong. My fiance has a son from his ex girlfriend. This alone has been a huge struggle for me. I'm 23 with no children and this is my first relationship with a guy who already has a kid with someone else. I feel like the bad guy all the time because it's hard for me to watch his son when he needs me or get emotionally closer to his son who is 3 years old. I get depressed sometimes because I think about the future a lot like how our first child together will be his second and my first. I'm afraid of how things will turn out. Will they compare the children, will the birth of our child not be as special for him. I feel like I'll be walking on egg shells all the time making sure not to hurt is son's feelings. Not only that but I won't be the ONLY mother of his children. He would have to deal with the ex as well. I feel like I would be sharing him with someone else. I'm afraid I'll be missing out on having the family life I always imagined, where my husband and I had our own children with no one else involved, or is that just a silly dream these days? I can't tell anymore. Not only that but what hurts me most is that if my fiance and I were to accidentally get pregnant he would want me to have a abortion... he even mentioned giving it up for adoption!! I know we're not ready right now and I don't plan on getting pregnant, but I personally think that's one of the worsts things you can say to someone you love. I'm trying get used to this lifestyle with him and his son, I know it takes time and I'm willing to do that which is why I'm still with him... but if I ever got pregnant he wouldn't even consider having it. It's like he expects me to love his son right away who's not even my child to begin with and who is the source of all my unhappiness (sorry to say), but he wouldn't even do the same for our child.

That should be the end of it.. And call her out on her lies.. She needs to know that you are not going to be so nieve that you believe everything she says.. Maybe if you call her out on the carpet for it she will quit because she will know that you will check on what she is telling you all.

You are not alone!

(Replying and Venting at the same time...)

I have been married almost three years to a wonderful man. We are a blended family (his, mine, ours) and have to deal with a crazy bio mom who can't seem to get it together. She is always blaming him for the miserable life she created for herself. She won't keep a job, is in debt up to her eyeballs, has a spending habit out of this world, and hates happy people.

BM remarried when the children were very young, but my husband was in their life the entire time, except when she kept the children from him for a year--and even then he was still paying support.

BM has been lying to anyone with a pulse, telling people that she's been taking care of her children without any help or child support, my husband is not a good father, etc. She has done some very dishonest things in order to get money from her own family members by lying on my husband.

When BM gets caught in a lie, she all of a sudden has an episode of illness or pain, or she throws a tantrum.

She used to question my SKids about things that go on in our house. When they stopped talking, she got angry and accused my husband of trying to sabotage her relationship with "her" children. When she comes to visit, she always leaves upset because she doesn't like to see any positive changes in our lives or our home. If we have anything new or different, she always thinks that it was bought with money that could have been spent on "her kids".

BM lies about needing money for the children's education, etc., and then she gets the money, but the children still complain that the school asked them not to return until tuition is paid, or BM's mom will tell us that she had to pay for the issue that we already gave BM money for. She is a certifiable LOON!!!

My husband is a patient man, but this has got to stop! This woman hates to see my husband happy, and treats her own husband like absolute crap. She complains that my husband takes better care of our children than he does "his own". She tells my SKids that their father doesn't need them anymore because he has a new family. She tells them that he doesn't care about them and even has told the children that my husband beat her. She admitted to me that she said it even though it wasn't true because she was angry.

What she doesn't see is that she is hurting the kids with her lies, because they used to believe what she said. Now, they know when she's lying, and they call her on it too. She gets mad and tells them to "stop acting like your daddy".

She calls my husband a deadbeat dad whenever she can't squeeze more money out of him, and then complains that he's causing her stress and illness. When she lies, the truth always comes out later, because she always forgets who she told what lie to. I actually feel sorry for her because she doesn't think that her lies will catch up with her. Believe me, they always do, and it is never be pretty.

My advice to you, just don't give in to the lies, and you (or hubby) should ask lots of questions, it'll throw her off. Also, don't give in to her demands if they are unreasonable. Sometimes, asking becomes a game, and they don't always have to win.

I know exactly how you feel. When my husband was working crazy hours, I used to have to bring money to lying BM for everything from birthday parties, to tuition, to special treats for report cards, etc., for two children, and I still had 3 more at home to care for. BM tried to gain my sympathy by lying to me about what the kids needed, and even tried to get me to give her extra money behind my husband's back. I never fell for the trick because I know better. I became the enemy when I started calling her on her lies. Once, she even called us while were on vacation asking for money from both of us--and we had the kids!!! When she calls me with her sad sob stories about not having any money, I usually give her one right back, and then she usually finds a way to end the call. I call her on her lies, but I do it nicely. She tries to pretend she likes me, but she tells my husband that that I said mean things to her (not true), then smiles in my face. Whenever she gets called on a lie, she always has an episode of illness (with me), or she throws a tantrum(with my husband). SKids have now realized that she is a liar and they roll their eyes whenever she tries to tell them bad things about their dad. She gets her lies mixed up and can't remember who she told what lie to, so it's always funny to watch her stumble over her own stories.

My advice to you, don't take crap from the biomom. There is power in the word no. And it's your money until you give it to her, so trust your gut, and talk to your husband if you have concerns.

P.S. My hubby used to just give her whatever she asked for because he thought it was for the kids. It wasn't until he forked over almost half a years' tuition for two kids and then got told by BM's mom that BM's family paid the same tuition (WOW!) that he realized he was being taken to the cleaners. After that, all bets were off.

Reading these posts is like hearing my own story from someone elses voice. Maybe while we're sitting around fretting over resentful step kids, and reading "Coping with Your New Family No Matter How They Act," they are reading "How to Screw Your Ex and His New Fam"

I mean, the level of evil is unreal. I never cared who my X's dated and as long as the children are being treated well, why waste the energy on a battle that will ultimately harm the children. I just really don't get it.

// Susanna

Being a biomom, I can promise you that not all biomom's are like the ones you read about here.

Some of us do actually put our children's feelings and childhood ahead of our anger and bitterness. While not all bio's are like the one's described on this site, not all steps are easy to get along with either. Believe it or not, some are insecure, jealous of the ex and also refuse to consider the child(ren) involved. Can you imagine any step resenting a child? It happens.

But thankfully, there is a place for us all to go to vent. It is important for all to remember that while we like to commiserate, and are happy to find justification of our feelings, we should all try and look for solutions and resolutions to our situations, rather than wallow in them......

I found that once I came here and "shared" my feelings, resentments, or situations, my day to day frustrations have been lessened greatly.

But as far as a factory for biomoms? Yes, there is one............ Right next to the evil step parent store!

Hugs,
Janice

I agree that generilizations tend to miss the mark. I know people that were genuinely abused or mistreated by step-parents and by bio-parents alike.

However, I think that when people act extraordinarily unreasonable, petty, nasty (fill in the adjective) that it is fair game to make jokes about them. When I have behaved cartoonishly stupid, I have been made fun of and I have no qualms about it.

With a legal system that is consistently dismissive of Father's rights and rarely acknowledges step-Moms, we are left with few options.

If people are bothered by my sense of humor in this forum I have no problems omiting that aspect of my post.

However, humor is one of my last outlets. I have to worry every time my husband goes to a drop off, that he will be arrested based on false accusations from his X. I have had to listen to my sister in law bawling her eyes out because her sons were legally barred from seeing my husband's daughter, a decision that divided the entire family. I have to go to court to defend my right to ride in the car for pick ups, even though I bother no one. I have the joy of reading the paperwork regarding the 1,000 dollars BM stole from my husband's teen daughter (different marriage)and teen's baby. And if that isn't enough, I get to listen to my six year old SD calling me sexualy derogatory names.

Now, ask me if I think this person deserves to be made fun of. As do other BM's that behave that way.

The legal system is designed to deal with the extremes of human behavior. The rest is left up to social controls, like having ridiculous behavior mocked.

Making fun of Step-Moms is redundant. That has already been taken care of by literature and fairy tales. We're the ones forcing Cinderella to do chores while we go off to the ball at the Castle.

In certain tribal cultures there were non-legal ways of dealing with outragious behavior. The offending person would be followed around all day by someone who would mimick the behavior that was irking everyone. It's a way of forcing self confrontation and I think it is more useful than a thousand sessions with a therapist asking "How do you feel when you drive the Father our of your child's life?" Tell me about your inner child?

The first time I met BM she was shouting vulgarities about my husband's genitals in front of the kids. I have no legal recourse at all. I hold my tongue around the kids, but I will be making fun of this sort of insano behavior much.

If I shouted obscenities about my ex-husband's genitals in front of the kids, BELIEVE ME. I would be picked on A LOT.

Just my two cents.
// Susanna

I have read your posts, and cannot believe you STILL can have a sense of humor! Why these bio's are so outrageous (spellcheck please) is beyond my comprehension...... I mean, I was no saint with my son's stepmom. She and I had our differences over the years. We had finally come to a resting place where there is finally peace. We have both matured.

I have said on these boards a few times; if I had only known then what I know today. The trivial stuff we argued over, it was silly. I was so fearful "she" would somehow win my son's heart, I used to make myself sick. I was not mature enough then to realize that my son had/has an unlimited amount of space in his heart. And by him loving her, he was taking no love away from me.

But when and after going through my divorce, I was completely wiped out emotionally. I had just enough left over to struggle through life and provide the best single family home that I possibly could.

Now, 15 years later and after a second child and second divorce, I can honestly say that I no longer resent any efforts or slighting on stepmom's part. After all, I think both her and I really did try to make the best of our relationship. And what can we really expect, never having gone through the bio/step parent issues until we were faced with them.

I can offer you one ray of light in all of what your going through with the bio.....

There will come a day when you will look back on all this insanity and realize that most of it just never mattered. You will no longer have to deal with her on any kind of consistant basis. As the children get older, the need for communication becomes less and less.

And just to re-iterate, your humor is in no way offensive. If humor was a problem on this website, Anne would have been voted off the island long ago. She has the most hilarious stories regarding her daughter!

And as "they" say, if we couldn't laugh about some of this stuff, we'd be crying all day and night!

Hugs to you!
Janice

Any advice? My ex has not been a part of his son's life for 10 yrs (court ordered) due to emotional games he played with his child. Fast forward.....son is now in college and ex wants a relationship. Son says fine, but he doesn't want to discuss the past. What can I do as a Mom to help my son without talking badly about the ex?
Ex emailed wanting contact info, and accused me of making up memories of the abuse and instilling them in my son, so as to drive them apart.

He still denies the reality of what he did, claims it never happened, and tells absolutely crazy interpretations of it. For instance, he fell behind on child support and wouldn't catch up (self employed makeing well over $100k/yr). Says my lawyer, the judge, everyone was lying and crooked and I was psychotic for bringing lawsuits whenever he fell months behind in support and refused to pay bills.

How does one deal with such a person? I'm really afraid my son is going to be hurt again, but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. He's 19 yrs old.

Since I care to remember my step-daughter has been habitually lying. Even the smallest of things example: Did you brush your teeth? Yes! She is now a 20 yr old adult, and I have been run through the ringer with her. She stole her father's check blanks in 7th grade and wrote out checks to the school, at age 16 she attempted suicide because she thought we didn't buy her the car she wanted, and since she graduated high school,for the last year has moved back home 7 times, lost 5 jobs within 2 months of working them. During one of these times, she broke down the door to the house, stole a car radio/cd player right out of the dash, and her latest incident was she came to our house when we were at work and stole a ring that my grandmother had given me. I, not even being able to comprehend who could do such a thing, called the police, and within, 2 days they arrested her and recovered this ring from the pawn shop, which was quite expensive. She now sits in jail, we are on day 8, and she had the nerve to call us, and think we were going to bail to out. When I told her that she violated me, the result? She hung up on me! She has been in therapy since age 5, but every time someone calls her on a lie, she becomes enraged. She will blame every one under sun for anything if she thinks it will get her out of the hot seat. Now, 8 days into this nightmare, she refuses to call, since I told her she violated me, even to say I'm sorry. Her father and I have yet to hear or see any remorse, the only thing we are feeling is numb! She has begun spinning her webs of lying, and I am at the end of my rope. Any suggestions? Advise?

I have been with my boyfriend for 4years now and I feel like I have walked into the deepest part of hell when it comes to his ex, I don't know what to do anymore she is making mine and his life a living hell, everytime we turn around she is calling the police on us saying that we abuse her son, she went as far as saying my boyfriend has sexually abused his son, shes called child services on us and everytime there is no evidence because there is no abuse going on, this woman has gone as far as accusing my 8year old son of abusing my step son, if he gets a scratch that is barely an inch long she is taking him to the hospital getting x-rays and cat scans it horrible not only for us but for the child to, when we do the child exchange we have to call an officer for a stan-by because if it is just us by our selves she tries to say we threaten her.Not only does she do all of this my step son is 5years old can barely talk like a 2year old, can not count not even to 5 or does he know any of his ABC's, he doesn't even know how to draw a stick figure, it is bad.My boyfriend and I decided that we were going to take her back to court to get full custody because of his developmental delays and now she is retaliating even more than before, my step son won't even talk to me or look at me and now shes telling the lawyer that she only has met me twice which is a lie and that i got very hostile towards her and irate with her mother, shes the one that threatened to hit me and i have never even met her mother, what am i supposed to do all I want is to help my step son be in a better environment where he can learn and be a kid, we want to teach him to ride a bike and play catch but right now we can't because if he gets hurt again the police will be at are door. We have taken her to court almost every year for contempt of court because when it is are turn for a holiday visitation she has a reason why he cannot go with us, or she just won't show up but the judge never does anything and now we have 5years of evidence piled up on my living room and have spent almost 10,000 dollars on this new court case but i mean is the judge going to do the right thing or just slap her on the wrist and let her keep destroying our lives and my step sons life, seriously what can we do to make the BS stop I really don't know what to do and no one I know has ever been in a situation with a crazy lady like this so if any of you have advise please help me.

IF you have the $$$$ go for FULL CUSTODY of your stepson. We don't have the $$$$$ due to crushing CS payments to BM and a lopsided mediation and DD. BM has COMPLETELY destroyed and taken over my BF's three kids systematically over the past almost 4 years. The youngest is 5 and BM/older two skids 11, 9 have told him that there are "monsters" at daddy's house; to keep him from saying "i want to live with daddy."

Our BM is ironically a child protective worker and knows how to play/work the system (and has gotten away with it). So far she has filed and pushed through a phoney CPS report that it took me 6 mos to undo. Wondering when the next shoe will drop. She also babies and coddles these kids to death so that they are at at least 3 yrs developmentally behind. SD9 is failing the third grade, simply b/c she doesn't WANT to do the work and BM won't make her do any school/homework, yet signs them all up for BOATLOADS of extra curricular stuff despite them failing academically.

She has them all on "meds" for ADHD, asthma, you name it and has turned all three into complete hypochondriacs and drama queens. Oh yeah and she has totally badmouthed BF and me to her entire small community and, of course the skids, so much so that we can't even get the time of day once crossing over the "border" into her town.

My ex wife always lies over the phone or through emails. I will ask her the same questions, but in different ways, and she always has a different story to tell. I have custody of our daughter, and when I would call her up to ask her if she would be visiting with her over her weekend....she would constantly make up or lie her way out of seeing her. Every court hearing that we have had, she would go into court and LIE her way out of child support. She would call up the prosecutor and tell her that she has no means of taking care of herself cause her and her spouse split up, let alone paying child support for our daughter. But yet, the next time her and the prosecutor spoke she changed her story and got caught. The judge based her child support on a LIE. She claimed she was only working two-three days a week, but YET when it was her weekend to pick up our daughter for her visit she said she couldn't due to her job. She claimed she worked seven days a week, but couldn't afford $100.00/month in child support. I am sooooo happy that we are divorced and she is out of my life! I couldn't handle the LIES anymore!!