Step Talk

Your DH needs to take this up with his children's mother and tell her to use the CS to buy them some clothing. Child support is supposed to go to support the child. That means it goes towards putting clothes on their bodies, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Do not allow yourselves to be suckered even once into buying or paying for "extras." There's no such thing as "extras." Everything a child needs goes into that support calculation, according to what our judge told both DH and BM when she tried to take us back to court for more CS.

We only have EOW, so my skids have never kept anything at our house. There have been a few toys that we bought specifically for them to have at our house and I also made sure to have a couple of spare outfits and jackets just in case, but I don't keep a complete wardrobe for them at our house. Whatever they bring with them goes right back home with them. DH pays CS to BM and she is responsible for clothing, feeding and sheltering them with that money.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

every other week my fiancee is having to buy his son new hat and gloves cause the ex is either malicously keeping them or just too stupid to know it's 10 degrees outside when she takes her kid to school and should bundle him up. I told him tonight he needs to call her and get ALL the hats and gloves back that WE bought since she is the one collecting the child support....I know the kids have needs but this is just getting old and since we pay her to eat out on a daily basis we can't afford to keep buying winter clothes for him.

I know what it is like to continually have my DH's ex-wife ask for everything from money to help moving to shoes to gas money, etc. You see my poor DH was absent-mindedly handing out money to this woman every time she asked after their separation. That is until I and several other people posed the question of "if you are giving her CS then what is she using it for?" Unfortunately in some states there is not a guideline stating what CS can and can't be used for. So be warned and check your state laws before saying the CS is not being used properly. In my state CS can be used for whatever the BM (or custodial parent) deems fit.

Now back to you and your DH providing items (clothing, shoes, toothbrushes, whatever)---please realize that you may NEVER get any of these items back. If you do then the item(s) will either be in disrepair, not fit, etc. I speak from personal experience. I know it is very hard to see my SD come over with holes all in her clothes, shoes two sizes too small, etc. I know what you are feeling, but you and your DH must lay down the law. If not the BM will continue to run all over both of you.

Just a suggestion, but while the kids are in your care then have the basic items necessary for their stay with you (whether it be an overnight, weekend or extended visit). Do not let them take these items home with them, even simple things like socks & underwear. Make sure to explain to the kids (in simplistic terms) that items from BMs home need to go back to BMs home & the items at Dad's stay at Dad's home. If need be make the BM aware of the new rule, but be warned she might lash out at you, your DH and maybe even the kids. My DH & I had to do this for my SD when she was three (she's now 7).

It took time for BM to realize that none of the items from our home were ever going to make it to her home. She even went as far as not to dress my SD in socks or shoes in the middle of winter stating that we should provide my SD shoes from our home to go back to BM's home in. In return we provided my SD with shoes/socks at our home but sent a reminder message the day of pickup for BM to bring socks/shoes for this poor child. That was one of may incidents that have occurred over the past years.

I'm sorry that someone else is the same boat as me. I hope you and your DH can come to a resolution both of you are comfortable agreeing to. Once you do, stick by your resolution no matter what BM does or says. Good Luck!

Since we pay CS and everything I make sure the children have nice things I dont care if they take a few things home with them if I know they are going to get use out of it. And I know it kills her to see her children wear things I bought for them.
We also save all the recipts for court and such. She has always bought clothes for them after I tell her they need clothes. But they will always be too small for them. She is a big POS and I know all the CS is going towards her Jeep payment and her Laywer fees.
She is on subsidized Child Care for Daycare and is behind 2 months!!!
She plays the Victim so well, but a victim is all she will ever be.
a victim of her own self

I wish I could sell her for what she thinks she is worth,
I'd be a millionare twice.

We have been having the same problem since June. We only have SK's EOW also, we have been having the SK's wear the clothes on Sunday that they come in the previous Friday. BM hates this & has SD8 try to sneak her Friday clothes home with her. Took acouple weeks but we caught on. In doing this we only have to provide colthes for 2 days a month. Which isn't bad. It is easier doing this than fighting with BM if we forget a shirt or two when they were bringing their clothes. We have 3 children EOW & sometimes its hard to keep track of who's wearing what. (I guess thats my job). If the clothes they have to wear home from the previous visit isn't appropriate for church or whatever I just have them change before they leave. Evidently the BM is so hard on them about getting "her" clothes back that they seem to understand.

Thanks for the comments... we will stay strong and wait it out until the necessities are bought for the kids. I try to mention things to DH and he is frustrated about it, too, but I get myself really wound up and end up harping on it. It's just the principle of the thing- use the CS for what it's intended for, don't rely on getting CS and getting clothes from us. SS mentioned that "we come here (our house) in pants, but go home in shorts...it's weird." Uhhh... no, you don't. That may have happened ONE TIME, but that is not an excuse for not having pants at BMs house. That completely did not sound like something a SS11 would happen to remember, so I'm guessing it was mentioned/complained about at BMs house. They have also mentioned that BM "pays for everything". DH explained that BM gets $ each month to pay for half of everything. Frustrating, but I'm going to make a point to send SS's back in what they wore the week before from now on.