bubbles92399's picture

Any Creative Ideas For Punishment?

My husband and I are supposed to have my S/D for a weekend visitation on December 14. My husband told her that she is grounded every time she is at our house until he tells her otherwise. She laughed at him and said "am I supposed to be scared?" He wants to uphold his threat, but how? How do you enforce restriction to a kid who is only going to be here for a weekend? What can we do for punishment?

Anne 8102's picture

Beat her with a stick?!

I dunno. If the discipline is not going to be followed through by the other parent, what's the point? And carrying it over from visit to visit until she has done her time is only going to make it worse because she'll hate coming for visitation even more than she already does. You can't enforce a long-term restriction on a kid you only have for the short term. What about flip-flopping it and offering her a reward for good behavior instead?

I hate using money to motivate children, but just as an example, you could offer her an "allowance" of say ten bucks a week IF she straightens up after herself, stays out of trouble, is pleasant, follows the rules and makes an honest effort. If she screws up, deduct a dollar. Whatever she has left at the end of the visit, put it in a bank for her to spend during her next visit. It doesn't have to be money... it could be time on the computer, time playing video games, movie night of her choice, etc. Anything you can think of that she would like, dangle it in front of her like a carrot. Tempt her to be good.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

emily bryar's picture

running a smooth house hold

http://teachingselfgovernment.com/ copy and past this website and pass it on to everyone you know. this website is a great way to have your problem and nonproblem children learn to follow insturctions and except a no answer. it is great and i cant tell you how my family has changed over just following her instructions. go to the four basic skills. it is great you WILL thank me in the long run.

redon2s's picture

Work is punishment for anyone, no matter what age!

I'd keep her busy going thru old toys and clothes and give some away to a shelter or something. Like Anne's idea- I instituted a "chore chart" of my SKs. They get $$ for doing their chores consistently and for the entire weekend (not just one flambouyant hour). They got to create/decorate their charts and come up with the chores and negotiated the $$ with my DH. Some resistance at first, but now to make the extra $ they will do laundry and clean the kitchen (thats my personal favorite).

The $$ isnt so good at teaching them anything alone, but mix it with some sweat it could be beneficial. I know when we go to the mall I encourage them to use their allowances to buy something they pick out. My SD 12 acutally asked for 3 weeks advancement on her allowance to buy some Christmas gifts. Normally- you'd just gtive the kid the $$ but she came up with the idea and I encouraged my DH to stick with it and let her know what its like to earn AND owe and how to PAY IT OFF and NOT be like BM who is a credit hogatha!

Sarah in San Francisco Smiling

bubbles92399's picture

Those solutions are great

Those solutions are great and I have attempted them in the past but her problem is she is too damn spoiled. There is no way in hell that she would ever work for money. She expects it to be given to her. My son gets an allowance in exchange for chores and keeping out of trouble and it works great, but she refuses to do anything. She thinks that her dad owes it to her. She gets mad if her dad buys me anything and not her. She has actually done too much damage at this point to be rewarded for anything. She needs to redeem herself. She refuses to do any work because her maternal grandmother buys her anything and everything. She got a COACH purse for nothing. She knows that she can refuse to help out because she is never here. The best solution I have thought of so far is to make her read a book.

Anne 8102's picture

This is just way beyond normal parenting strategies.

Her parents/grandparents have created a monster. The only way to curb that now is to cut her off, but if dad won't do it and can't encourage the rest of her family to do it, then she's just going to go through life as a monster. She's a kid who has been allowed to make adult choices and now thinks she can run the show. The only way to stop that is for her parents to stop letting her get away with it. Good luck with that. Eye-wink

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

sixxnguns's picture

I know all about this one

my SS's grandparents have created a monster and they're in denial of the whole thing..they told me my daughter is going to grow up to be a rebellious kid because I made her use her manners on Thanksgiving and finish her plate...they think on holidays kids should get away with certain things..I've been trying to teach her that when you are a guest at someone's house you should finish the food on your plate that you took. It's what I was taught and I think it's a good rule Smiling

Mary Louise's picture

The only thing I can think

The only thing I can think of is to lock away the video games, phone she uses, whatever her idle time is spent doing. Take the tv out of her room, etc. When she says she is bored, find a job for her to do - all those little things you keep meaning to get done. Otherwise let her sit in her room bored. She just might want the interaction bad enough to help you out. When she acts measurably more polite or whatever it is she is being punished for, let her have one item back.

No going out to eat, no shopping trips, no "special" extras. Stop the flow of purchases for her at YOUR house. (You can't stop it anywhere else) I'm sure she'll throw a fit but if you and your husband can stick to that, it might work. Other than that, I think you might be screwed.

StepMadre's picture

I agree with Mary Louise

and think that figuring out what is important to her and only giving her access to them based on good behavior. How old is she? That makes a pretty big difference. My skids are still fairly young, so time-out and loss of privileges works extremely well for them, but with older teens it's a lot harder because they are more set in their ways and have gotten away with stuff for a long time. Even if she is a teen, you can ground her, have her do chores, take away privileges etc.. but STICK TO YOUR GUNS. If you waffle or give in, you will make it way, way worse in the future. You and H need to discuss this in private BEFORE dealing with SD so that you are on the same page and back each other up. Skids can sniff out weak links better than the best greyhound, so you need to be a united front. Good luck. I hope things go well!

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32

" You're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them." ~Sue Sylvester, on Glee.

littlegrlzx4's picture

Not sure how old your SD is

Not sure how old your SD is but we've had to think of some creative punishments for our lot- grounding is just an excuse to mope in their room, which gets them out of our hair but fails to teach a lesson. Something to do for a period of time as part of the punishment has been pretty effective. Our 2 favorites:

Sock folding- EVERYONE hates matching up countless pairs of socks but it must be done. With 6 people in the house there are ALWAYS socks to fold. We'll send a kid to their room or "the naughty step" with a bucket of them and say they can come out when X amount have been paired and folded.

Lines- My 9yo SD is the most stubborn, lippy girl under 15 I've ever met. When she's really bad, she goes to her room with a notebook and a number of times to write "Backsassing will only get me in more trouble" or "Digging in and saying no isn't an acceptable answer" Whatever statement fits the issue.

There seems to come a time when you can only take so much stuff away, you can't physically hurt them but bad chores and sheer repetition of expectations have helped a bit.

sixxnguns's picture

great ideas!

I've been at a loss for creative punishment ideas and I'm defanitely going to put these to use! Thanks Smiling

rachaemdea's picture

I never knew the point of wiriting lines...

...when I was a kid. About a month ago, it hit me. To practice your writing! One of those moments we all have right?

So yeah, this is a good punishment I think. By the time they are done writing it's in their head.

Not to be like Prof. Umbridge from Harry potter or anything, but I am definitely going to use this punishment with my kids and if my SDs get in my face, I'll make them do it too. I don't know why I forgot when I was being backtalked to the whole Christmas Vacation by SD9 and I didn't do that...blast!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you have 20 minutes, read this, it really opened my eyes:

DIVORCE RELATED MALICIOUS MOTHER SYNDROME
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/turkat95.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you have 20 minutes, read this, it really opened my eyes:

DIVORCE RELATED MALICIOUS MOTHER SYNDROME
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/turkat95.htm

bubbles92399's picture

Thank you!

Her B/M and maternal grandparents have TOTALLY created a monster! I have finally made my husband see the light and he has agreed that she doesn't get anything material from us. Anne, you have hit the nail on the head. She has always been allowed to make adult choices and she definately thinks she can run the show. I believe that she will continue going through life being a monster because her mother and grandmother encourage these actions. It is ridiculous!
I love the sock folding idea! I'm just afraid that she'll mismatch them on purpose, she does things like that, but I'm going to try it. I think that I'm truly dealing with a cold hearted, selfish individual. My husband had surgery last week and she didn't even care enough to call him. We have a 6 month old baby that she saw over the summer and has never even called to see how he is. She actually referred to him as the "stupid baby" in an email to a friend. I also like the writing sentences in a notebook. Especially since she felt at liberty to color pages in one of my very important notebooks that I use for court. I think I'll suggest to my husband that she write him an essay on why she feels it's okay for her to act so inappropriate.

Elizabeth's picture

Some more ideas

I have a SD14 who is similar in that she will deliberately destroy my things and do things incorrectly (or not at all) because she knows husband won't follow through. I've had to make her reclean the bathroom five or six times until she does it right (and it's her own bathroom, no one else uses it!)

Here are some of my favorites:
Wash and fold a load of towels (it's hard to ruin towels)
Sweep off the front porch and sidewalk
Sweep the back patio

These are things that are easy to check on and hard to screw up. And they help you out!

Anne Summers's picture

Yard Work

I know this might not work for your SD, but it definitely works for mine. My SD recently turned 7 in November of this year. It has taken me approximately four years to find things she dislikes enough to straighten up. I have made her stand in the corner of our kitchen barefoot before, charged her money for whining (5 cents per whine at her age), made her write sentences, taken toys (made her donate to Salvation Army if for hitting another person), etc. I have done these same things to my son. Yep, I'm so mean---aren't I? Laughing out loud

One of the things she hates to do is yard work. This idea came to me over the summer of this year.

A little back story----Unfortunately since January 2007 BM has decided not to abide by the impending mediation visitation agreement. Thus SD only visits maybe every other weekend---as long as BM does not have visitation during our visitation. (Yep, I think my husband's lawyer was an idiot. LOL) Since Jan 2007 my SD has increasingly becoming larger in size. She weighs, over 70 pounds last time we checked before Thanksgiving, more than my 10 year old son. Due to this reason I have tried to get her more involved in outdoor/physical activities. She hates doing anything that involves more than sitting in front of the tv.

So I came up with her punishment including pulling weeds, doing yardwork, etc. She hates it, but she can't complain about doing it or she must do the punishment longer. Smiling Thus I accomplish two things at once---punishing her & getting her physically active. Smiling

To help encourage her that not all physical activity is a punishment we (my DH & I) also make her walk around our neighborhood "loop" (once around is 1 mile) a few times---but we all go so it's great exercise for the whole family. We do this when no one is in trouble but just say it's a family activity. Smiling Although this she does whine about it ALOT! Smiling

Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat.

Mrs Katch 22's picture

oooh!

GOOD ONE! ahaahaah I'd say "stay your ass with your mom!!!!" ahha I WISH! It's not punishment for them..but then again, you wouldn't have to deal with figuring out how to punish them Smiling I'm HOPING that sd gets bored or not want to come over on the weekends someday..maybe when she gets older she'll have more stuff to do on the weekends; that way she won't have to come over Smiling

Every time I think of how stepmoms are portrayed as evil....I think that those stupid movies fail to disclose BM...lol

CplStv's picture

I'm Old School, but Kneeling is within CPS "Allowable Discipline

A period kneeling, in a corner, SILENTLY, MOTIONLESS with hands clasped behnd their waist, or fingers interliocked on top of their head, and time starts over and/or increases for Violating the Restrctions on Movement,Sounds, etc. works pretty well, most of the time, as long as it's FOLLOWED THROUGH, WITHOUT INTERFERENCE.

Another one that I know works, is calasthenics(Exercise), like x number ofPush - ups, Sit Ups,Squats, etc. and ONLY CORRECTLY DONE COUNTS...

Steve

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

OldTimer's picture

Remember the "Dunce Cap"???

Yeah, loved that one... nose to the corner...

My DH makes SS do push-ups when he gets way out of line... it's rare, he hates it.

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

steppie1999's picture

DH Gave them a choice

of writing sentences or having time at the wall (similar to Steve's kneeling). We of course already knew what they'd choose....the one they'd rather do....But we had a plan....whatever they chose--they had to do the opposite. Boy were they pissed Evil
Another good one our parents used on us both. If kids are bickering, the offenders have to stand together, as close as possible, with their arms wrapped around each other in a big hug !!! At first, they'll be even madder but after awhile, they forgot why they were mad or when we turn them loose they get along better because God Forbid they are forced to be that close to one another again Laughing out loud
I know this is an old post, but I couldn't resist adding my two cents about what works for us.

"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN" Sad

"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN" Sad

andrea's picture

i remember my sister and i

i remember my sister and i were fighting(physically) something i will regret my whole life cuz i hit her hard but anyway my aunt got a rope and tied us to each other face to faCE....i still tried to hit her but i couldnt so i bit her, but then felt bad after. i still do and i think to myself that i still want to tell her sorry but im too proud so i never said it...anyway what you said reminded me of that...

Tamera's picture

allowance

We used to pay the kids an allowance but their BM would take it from the kids and use it for her own money. It was happening all of the time. She would never return the money to the children.

LVmyBOXERS's picture

A little late

but try this. My brother is a teacher and did this to some of his students. Principal did not like it but I think it is ingenious. What ever they did, talk back, keep pooting in class (in my brother's case) make them where a sign and stand out in the drive way or in a public place. My brother made a sign that said "I will not stop passing gas in coach's class" and made the kid stand outside his class while part of the school was at lunch. Needless to say, it worked until the principal saw it! I think it is a pretty good idea.

Wicked2Three's picture

Good one!

I read a post on another board from a woman who cussed as a kid and her mom put her on the front steps, facing the street, with a sign that read "I have the filthiest mouth in town"

Cracked me up! I can't wait for my little ones to start cussing.

CplStv's picture

That reminds Me...

That reminds Me, When My Dad was a kid, (like a million years ago) His Freind's Mother would make the Boys sit on the Front Stoop, IN A DRESS, as a Punishment...Probably couldn't do it now, but...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Miss.Brentney's picture

I can tell you better than anyone....

because I am a teen. If you take something away from her....its gonna start more problems.The more you punish the more chance for confrontation The solution is to sit down with her an explain that you care and you know the "teen years" are hard...but that you want to help her achieve her personal goals. Trust me...talking will solve a lot no matter the individual.

stay.human's picture

Creative idea based on community service

So, I have been trying to come up with ideas for our recently adopted 13 year old. I am 26, my husband is 30 - pretty much we are the hippest parents a kid could want!!! But, like any other parent we are having a few small control issues. Within the past couple of days we've got him sneaking phone calls & watching t.v. when he should have been asleep. Unfortunately for him, he is a horrible sneak, haha. But, good for us, because he is doing things that are not horrible or illegal or that big of deal - as long as we nip it in the bud now.

I came up with the idea of creating a Family House Code - basically a law like document stating the creed of our family as well as what family member should expect of each other. Using this code I wrote up a Family Service Agreement basically outlining which pieces of the code had been broken and also giving him an option to dispute and go to "trial." The code outlines a loss of all privileges with a chance to gain one privilege back per week, and with stipulations on certain privileges (slowly gain back time for video games, t.v., talking on phone). In order to gain back privileges he must gain a total of 100 Family Service Points a week. These points are gained by completing certain services or tasks like washing a vehicle (worth 4 points), mowing the lawn (worth 10 points), cleaning the bathroom (worth 5 points) and so on. I made the list of choices long and most importantly DO-ABLE! Then I drew up a log for which he had sole responsibility of keeping up with. If the log was lost - so were all his precious points.

Along with all the papers it was an excellent opportunity to speak with him about what it meant to be part of a family, what the expectations were, and what the consequences were of breaking certain codes (ex: loss of trust, disappointment, etc). He grew up in a family with NO rules, no boundaries. The biggest pro and the reason why this is working is because we love him and feel blessed to have him in our lives, and if we did not take the time out to discipline and show him boundaries then in a few years he could not be doing "Family" service, but possibly community service or jail time. OK OK!! I know it is just a few sneaks here and there, but he has been in bigger trouble before and I know that we have to illustrate something more real and tangible for him to understand what future consequences could come from poor choices.

Anyway, I hope that the initial poster found what she needed and if anyone is interested in what I typed up you can purchase them for.... haha, just kidding - you can email me and I can send you (copyrighted)copies.

fed up mom's picture

copyrighted copies

I would love to have copies of your agreements. I recently got married My husband and my two children are about to drive me crazy. It seems as if we cannot come to a common ground.

Ms. Tina's picture

Creative idea based on community service

Please. I would love to see what you wrote in your agreement. My 10 year old is driving me...

Rags's picture

The Tower.

Bubbles,

I posted this on anohter thread but thought it might do for your punishment challenges with the Skid(s).

I do not think that something that a kid should be expected to do should be used as a punishment (chores, volunteering, etc ...) IMHO this teaches them to look at doing the right thing as a punishment. Maybe my perspective on this is a bit naive but IMHO a punishment should be an unpleasant consequence for an unacceptable behavior.

We went through the escalating consequences stage (over and over and over) with my now 16yo SS. BTW, I have been SF since before he turned 2yo.

We did not get immediately to the TOWER. It was an evolutionary process. We tried time outs, groundings, etc ...... Nothing worked. If we grounded him to a room, he would build forts out of whatever was in the room, fight pirates, dragons, mummy,s etc ..... and generally have a blast. So we came up with the TOWER as a way to insure that our son learned that if he farted around when he was supposed to be working he could work when he was supposed to be farting around.

What finally worked the best was the TOWER. The TOWER was simply an empty room in our home with a heinously uncomfortable antique wooden school desk (With the right side half writing top and an ink well), a pencil, pencil sharpener and a very thick writing tablet. When SS would lie, cheat, steal or bring home a bad report card, etc it was the TOWER. Every free moment for the entire TOWER sentence. If he brought home a bad grade on a progress report or report card he was in the TOWER at least until the next official grade report or progress report with 100% acceptable grades. 6weeks is a long time to spend every free moment in the TOWER writing sentences. All weekend, after school and sports with only 15minutes off for meals with the family. The TOWER does two things, it is a consequence and it removes the aggravating presence of the rebellious kid from the rest of the family. It gives Mom, Dad and siblings a break from the stress of the trouble maker.

Of course he came with us if we left the house and we did not lock him in the room or anything like that. But if we were in the yard playing or in the LR watching TV he was in the tower writing. He did not miss sports, school or vacations or trips to GrandMa and GrandPa's but we were as consistent as we could reasonably be.

While in the TOWER he wrote sentences. Thousands and thousands of sentences. I will do my homework and turn it in on time. I will not lie, cheat, steal or tolerate those who do. Etc, etc, etc ...........

I timed how many sentences he could comfortably write in an hour, added 40 and set the quota. If he missed one sentence for the duration of the sentence he served another hour, day, week, whatever got his attention. If one sentence was not neat, one more hour on to the sentence. He could not sit there and day dream. He had to focus on writing the sentence and writing it neatly. At some level the message the sentence was capturing had to sink in.

He asked me once what he should do if he had to go to the bathroom. My answer "Write faster for that hour". He came down stairs once and asked for a spanking in lieu of TOWER time. I told him that if he wanted a spanking to bend over but that he still had to serve his TOWER time with no reduction in sentence quota for the time he took off to get his spanking. He huffed and headed back up stairs. He did not stick around for the spanking he asked for. He absolutely hated the TOWER. But, it worked. And he now has the most beautiful hand writing I have ever seen.

The TOWER was in play from ~4th grade through 8th grade.

Prior to the evolution of the TOWER method we went through the reward and confiscation of belongings stages.Once he had to take a meat tenderizer to his I-Pod shuffle when he took it to school in violation of the school rules and ended up with detention. He had to drop his cell phone in a sink full of water for the same reason. We did not replace them, he did .... several months later out of his own pocket. When game cards where all the rage he burned Yu-gi-oh and Pokemon cards. If he lied I would fan the deck out on the table with the fronts down and make him pick a couple of random cards. Then he would burn them over a candle. Of course the ones he picked were always the "best" ones and he barely escaped death (Dad if I have to burn this one I will just die") several times. All made an impression but nothing obtained the desired behavior like the TOWER.

I may write a book. "TOWER your way to a well behaved child". Ha!

It is no wonder why we get the title "Wicked Step Parent". I am so evil. Mwwwwhahahahaha!

When will the kids learn (bio step or otherwise). We KNOW because we tried it all when we were their age. Been there, done that, and suffered the consequences. The kids can't believe that their loving, doting GrandMa and GrandPa invented the title of EVIL PARENT. I remember well being grounded for my entire child hood. It was no more than a total of a few months during my entire childhood but it sure seemed like eternity. And I wrote a lot of sentences.

Thanks Mom and Dad for teaching me well.

BTW, the TOWER got its name from the Rapunzel story from Grimm's Fairy Tales that I used to read to him before tucking him in to bed nearly every night.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not a buddy. - Rags

If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel. - WLR

Ms. Tina's picture

The Tower

When you first started your comment, I was in total agreement. "I do not think that something that a kid should be expected to do should be used as a punishment (chores, volunteering, etc ...) IMHO this teaches them to look at doing the right thing as a punishment. Punishment should be an unpleasant consequence for an unacceptable behavior." BRAVO! That sounds like a great Ideal. I must use it. Except the Tower is going to have to be in the garage...

Thanks a Bunch!

stepmom2be's picture

I'm shocked....

I don't consider myself a lenient momma, or stepmom, but the above description from Rags absolutely sickened me. I read it through 3 times, the first time wondering, (I must be missing something,) the second time I figured she was joking, and the 3rd time, I realized she must be demented.

Instead of spending time with family outside, he sat upstairs and 'wrote thousands and thousands of sentances,' while his siblings played.
"I timed how many sentences he could comfortably write in an hour, added 40 and set the quota. If he missed one sentence for the duration of the sentence he served another hour, day, week, whatever got his attention. If one sentence was not neat, one more hour on to the sentence. He could not sit there and day dream. He had to focus on writing the sentence and writing it neatly. At some level the message the sentence was capturing had to sink in."
...and then you took a meat tenderizer to his Ipod Shuffle? (What the heck, lady?) For bringing it to school when he shouldn't have? You couldn't have just 'lost it' or 'taken it away' for a month?

I want everyone to read it again, and realize the implications it probably had for this kid. I think it's deplorable, and I really cannot imagine that someone would support this method of NEGLECT, Blatant child abuse and absolute disrespect for the child.

I know someone else posted about this- but I read this, and I went into the other room and kissed and hugged my SD and BD. They looked at me like I was crazy- but there is no excuse for the demented punishments you have put on your SS.

I hope CPS is called. You should be ashamed. If the child really needed that much punishment, he should have been brought to a counselor for the chance of having mental instability which was causing the behavior- not locked up, and having to destroy his favorite things.

I'm shocked.