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Why are step kids so hard?

tink77's picture

Let me start off by saying I feel guilty admitting this, but I needed to get this out to others who may undertstand.
I have two wonderful children who still see their step father. My childrens bio father turned out to be a dead beat after our divorce from a five year marriage. Years down the road I met someone and remarried. He adventually adopted my children. He has no biological children of his own and just jumped right into it full force with my kids who were 4 and 7 at the time. To this day he is a great Dad, unfortunalty we could not get along and we aren't together. We get along great as friends and coparent so much better. We both work and I don't ask him for Child support because at anytime I need some extra help, he is right there to do so.
After our divorce I met someone and we have been together for a year and a half. I truly believe he is the perfect person for me. We don't live together and because of our work schedules and the distance between us, we only see each other on weekends. He is a great guy and my daughter loves him to death. My son likes him a lot too but doesnt spend as much time with him cause he likes to be with his Dad on the weekends. (Later you might say, he loves your kids ;))
My BF has (3) kids. (1) to his first wife and she is 11. (2) to his second wife they are (1) & (2). his daughter (11) she's a good kid. I do like her. lately I have noticed with her that she lies a lot and is very clingy to ME. That I can deal with and I can understand possibly why so I have no issue there. It's the (2) young boys....His (2) yr old is so bad. All he does is whine. He maybe has (5) words to his vocabulary and one is Ugh uh! when he wants something it's ehhhh ehhhh. And if he doesn't get it he cries and screams. If you go to the bathroom, (anyone) he cries and screams and hits the door thinking you should let him in. If you go down the stairs and he is left behind (not alone) he screams and yanks at the gate. Honestly everything he cries about. He is not affectionate, not even to his mother. He chases his older sister through the house and expects her to entertain him and if she stops he screams and shoves her to start playing again. Shes not a daycare, shes a child too. when he gets put to bed, he will fight you and run away. So he is put in the crib to fall asleep....he screams and kicks the wall throught the crib. My BF's (1) yr old is trying to walk and says Momma and Dadda. Sometimes he will just be sitting there and for no apparent reason, just start screaming and crying. He will do this till you pick him up and coddle him for a good 5 mins. In the car, he will scream and cry the whole trip. No matter what. I can't handle being in the car with him. He has them JOINT and they are there ever other weekend with him. I spend the whole weekend with stress headaches. My BF does correct the (2)yr old at times, but I don't think enough. he doesn't want to be the bad parent and when they talk tell Mom, "Dad is mean" Their mother is a "tool". When I first learned of her I thought he was lying, till I witnessed it myself. She has 3 kids to 2 diff men. Her daughter doesnt see her father. The mother who I will call "PITA" said the Dad abused her..not the daughter. So she put a pfa on him. She fought him through court and adventually, he gave up and never bothered with his daughter. The daughter is 10 now and never seen her dad. PITA is a hypocondriac and she is on a high dosage of a pscho drug. No joke. When my BF left her, she threatned him that he wont see his son and at the time UNBORN child....which she was suppose to be on BC at the time. He told her he will be in their lives. She accused him of abuse and got a PFA on him. Then she accused him of breaking the PFA twice. That got thrown out because he had proof he wasn't where she said he was. He went 8 months without seeing his son who was 6months when he left. He didnt get to meet his undorn son until he was 6months old. She wouldn't let him in on anything. She named him and (this bothers me) didnt get him circumcised. Now he is always so sore. She bodes that she is a great mother, but I dont see it. She never works....she lives off of child supprt and welfare. But yet she always has money to get new tattoos. I have so much more to say but this is enough for now. How do you coupe. i love him, but these boys or lets say the 2yr old is out of control and the ex...shes off her rocker. I don;t want to lose him. I don't want to tell him either because PITA tried to drive a wedge between his older daughter and him and almost succeeded. I want him to have his kids in his life, but how do I fit in and not lose my sanity? Any help or words of wisdom?

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Has the 2 year old been checked for developmental issues? I know you love your BF, but is it enough to put up with those kids for almost 18 more years? That's a very long time. Right now you're only there on weekends. Could you do that during the week too? If BM is unstable, you could find all three skids there 24/7. Also, BM may get worse if you were to move in with bf. It sounds like chaos with those kids...do you want to subject your kids to that?

tink77's picture

I think of that all of the time. 18yrs of dealing with this woman. I truly believe she is trying to get pregnant again. She envies Kate Gosslin and living off of support and welfare is working great for her so far. The 2yr year old was checked by a speech therapist and they say all is fine. I truly believe that even though she says she's an EXCELLENT mother...I think she was more focused on alienating BD from his kids lives and left her 2yr old to be watched over by her 10yr old. 2yr old seems to go to both her 10yr old and BD 10yrold....like it's normal. I said...I think she is letting her BD in charge while she is on the computer or trying to take care of the 1yr old. I also think that she just gives 2yr old what ever he wants to shut him up so she can do other things. When my BD goes with me she always says....MOM this is the best birth control for me. I do think...what would happen if we would all live together? Could I handle it?...I don't think so. Could my kids?....no. My daughter graduates in 3 yrs and i know he wants me to move near him...but that means MY kids switching schools. I cant and wont do that to them. I could still travel the same distance to my job. he says he understands...but deep down..does he? I feel he needs to move, but he would need to find a new job. Which would be hard cause she gets almost all his damn check.His boys arent in school and they havent even decided where those boys are going or what the custody will be then. I know she will fight it if he moves in with me. She never met me to talk to me. She wants NO contact with me. Ive been to his court hearings and supported him through probably the hardest time of his life and a stressful one for me. I thought after that...we had it made. I was wrong. I love him dearly but I am at that point that i need to decide...is it enough. I find myself correcting the 2yr old all of the time cause no one else will. I dont want to look like I'm being mean and always on him...but someone needs to teach him boundries. I feel like an awful person because here i am with 2 children and I expect a man to accept them...but I can't accept his. This is truly killing me inside.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

To me, the most important consideration is your responsibility to your children. I know you love this man, but how you describe it is not a peaceful, loving environment. AND, one of you is going to have to make major changes. If you leave your home and kids' school only to be miserable, you will be resentful. The distance here sounds like a major blessing right now. It's keeping you from making a rash decision. Just remember, dealing with a nasty BM is MISERABLE...even if the kids are good, it's still so stressful. If nothing else, I would give it more time. Oh, the 18 years was a conservative estimate. Hopefully they'll be out by then but these days, it's not likely. I do hope you can make a decision and be at peace with it. Keep us updated!

Mom2mine's picture

I can honestly say that my 16month old son acts just like the 2yr old u r describing....my oldest is almost 10 n does entertain him quite a bit-but that's his brother-just like those r his sisters. While BM is trouble now-it WILL get worse, n if u have an issue with his kids now-then u need to leave-u r only there on the weekends n r already having doubts-it will not work for u, n it is DEFINATELY not fair for u to try n take that man away from his sons after he has already lost time with them bc of BM....I'm sorry if that is not what u want to hear, but that is coming from a perfectly sane mother of a 100% all boy...n he is a TURD!!! It is very true what they say about every child being different n u r very obviously not equipped or ready to handle that type of child-also, it looks like the 1yo will b on the same path-so then it will b double trouble!! But from a mothers stand point-if another woman stepped in n felt the right to correct or discipline my 2yo....I would have MAJOR issues-u r not the parent n that is not UR place-if u two were married n u were left in charge when dad isn't around n the child is older n is being disrespectful or doing something harmful or disrupting other kids-it is diff....but if u can't handle it now-IT WILL NOT GET BETTER FOR QUITE SOME TIME!!! I am speaking from experience....on both sides. Hope that wasn't too honest....

tink77's picture

I think another reason this is do hard for me is... My daughter or son was not like this. I thought maybe I was just trying to make the way my children acted better in my head. But everyone I talked to my parents etc said my children never acted like that. My Children are now 12 & 15 and are great kids. I get compliments from other parents and teachers about there manners. My daughter has been in the deans list since 7th grade and she is now in 10th. They are very respectful and well behaved. Am I just at the age now that my kids are this age and I can't handle little ones? I just know how I corrected my children issues and nipped them in the bud right away. This isn't being done with his son and I truly think he's going to turn out to be a terror. I know how I feel about others correcting my children, I feel like they are being attacked. I was always defensive when their step father would correct them. So yes I feel guilty correcting his children. But when a children sits there and continually pokes a dog in the face and no one does something, I say something to him. When he takes his sippy cup and starts to scrape the paint (it's a rough paint) off the walls and don't notice or do anything, I say something. I just can't see allowing a children to have free rein to do whatever.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

I would say something too. I would say something to a friend's child if they were destroying my home or harming my pet. Just wait until they are older and can talk. If somebody is offended that you corrected their child, suggest that THEY do it next time as that behavior isn't tolerated in your home. It's an uphill battle...up-mountain battle!

Mom2mine's picture

I think u were right to speak up in those situations....and I'm sure that ur children were better behaved than that-but it also has a lot to do with the parents-but in this case as frustrating as it may be-that does not include u. If the dad is ok with them acting like that-then it is a reflection on him. If u truly want to stay with him then u should have a ling sit down n seriously discuss UR concerns n what u find acceptable behavior n see where he stands....otherwise just try to visit on the weekends he doesn't have them-but he is just starting out with those boys-n if u can't find any kind of positive in them already-that is not a good thing....I would REALLY talk to him if u choose to stick around-otherwise u r wasting both of ur time....