I was thinking about what Colorado Girl commented on my last post. It's so hard to deal with a BM who is untreated for a psych disorder. My SD's BM has done so many crazy things, and I just have to keep reminding myself that she can't help it. Time and time again I will give her the benefit of the doubt and she will make a fool of me for it.
For instance, she buys/gives inappropriate clothing to SD. For example, BM went to Europe twice this year to see one of her boyfriends (that's ANOTHER crazy thing- she is dating her ex-finance in town as well as a "good friend" who is stationed in Europe and she tells her daughter all kinds of things about each man "in confidence" as in- Don't tell C about D and don't tell D about C.) Anyway, BM goes to Europe the first time and brings back souvenirs. Plunging neckline string tied sequins filled tank tops. For a twelve year old. BM also buys her tons of tripple padded push up brightly colored bras (SD is a A cup but bras make her look like a C.)
So recently, I was doing the laundry and came across a pair of blue, lacey, string bikins - lingerie type underwear size adult 8 (SD is still in little girl sizes.) So I assumed (like I have before when things like 4 inch spiked adult sized go-go boots came over) that SD might be sneaking things over. I put the underwear in a bag so DH wouldn't see them (he would have been ill at the thought of seeing his exw's underwear) and had him give them back to exw when she picked up SD (b/c exw won't even look at me or acknowledge me.)
So...I see her look in the bag and burst out laughing. Then she calls and makes fun of me to DH asking, "When is she (me) going to get a life or a job or something so she stops criticizing (SD) all the time. Has she seen a therapist about her obsession with (SD's) panties?????"
To which DH replied, "A therapist! What a good idea!!! How's your visits going with yours????"
BM responded, "Therapy is for FREAKS!"
Ummm....no. Therapy is for people who are smart enough to seek help. People with untreated paranoid personality disorder are the ones who act FREAKY.
So DH says to BM, "If you chose to buy her inappropriate things then you can leave them at your house."
BM responded with "She can wear whatever she wants whenever she wants." DH said, "No...no she can't. She's 12. She's your daughter NOT your buddy."
So that was it. I was done. SD was upset because she had to hear horrible rants about what a loser I am all weekend.I apologized to SD when she got back and told me this. I said, "I am sorry I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt while I gave your mother the benefit of the doubt. Don't worry. I will never give her (BM) the benefit of the doubt again."
SD felt better. She is quite aware her mom has a psych disorder, though we've only talked about it briefly one time with the counselor and again at home when she was crying one day and admitted to me, "My mom is crazy, isn't she?"
That time I didn't answer. Just held her while she cried.
Here's the tough part. SD exhibits many of the same symptoms as BM. SD is unaware of it though we are working always on behavior modification. SD has improved in some ways, but as I said she's 12 1/2 so hormones are not helpful.
We have decided to keep trying for the next 5 1/2 years, then we will have to set her free and hope she can overcome her genetic/learned life skills.
It does constantly wear us down.
Mental Illness..
A big heartfelt sighhhhhh.....I wish, wish, wish BM would seek counseling. I read a wonderful article about going above and beyond medication when suffering from bi-polar disorder. It stated that people suffering from the illness really should go to therapy to learn how to recognize when they are about to "crash" or even when they are on their "ups" and how therapy can lead to coping skills.
BM is on meds but I just don't think it's enough. She is still one extreme or the other. She is either way pissed off and screaming at DH or she's telling him that he is the one true love of her life (too bad his one true love is me
) Her feelings towards me are the same, she either hates me or telling me that she wants to be friends. She's mostly pissed off though. It's not just us, either. She is either mad at DH and me, her mom and sister, or her boyfriend. If she doesn't have something to be mad about, she will create drama.....it just sucks when it's our turn to feel her wrath. I really think she has found a comfort zone, she doesn't feel right if she's not pissed off. I'm not even kidding when I say that, she lives crisis to crisis, most are from her own making.
I'M THE ONE WHO ENDED UP SEEKING COUNSELING!!!! I truly thought I was manic depressive or something. I literally cried everyday. I didn't know how to deal with it. It was sooo nice when my counselor said to me that I was not the crazy one, I just lacked the coping skills to handle my situation.
BM is certifiable. Her thought process is just out there. This makes it so hard for those of us that are rational, we can't predict her...ever. Is she up, is she down? Will she stick to her decision or will she change her mind AGAIN? Will this madness ever end?
The biggest loser in all of this isn't me though. I have every intention of writing her off as soon as I am able. But my precious step daughters - I think will forever be her crutch. I watched a movie once called "The Hours" that dealt with those people who really suffer from a person's mental illness and depression - it's the wives, husbands, children, friends who really love that person that truly suffer not actually the person who is mentally ill. It was soooo sad.
I saw a bi-polar disorder support group advertised on tv the other day - maybe I'll anonymously send her a pamphlet in the mail.
My DH is Biopolar II
which is basically manic depression. It took many years to get on the right meds. Most antidepressants don't work with this DX. He has also done therapy & continues to do so along with myself. He still managed to have an awful episode that lasted weeks after our baby was born where he was emotionally abusive to me.
If she truly is bi polar maybe what she is taking isn't the right fit or needs to be adjusted. They upped DH's mood stabalizer & my loving husband returned. The funny thing is he says he knew he was being an a$$hole but it was like watching himself & he was unable to stop it.
counseling
I went to a counselor for help handling the situation too (felt I was taking up too much of SD's psychologist's time!) I saw a therapist who is also a SM which was really helpful. One thing she told me to do was stop sugar coating BM's behavior to SD. For example SD would have these long talks with me and say, "Your a better mom b/c you listen to and talk to your kids." And I would always say, "Oh no...we're just different kinds of moms. You need to focus on the good things your mom does." (Ummm...like when she would drop her off at the downtown library at 9 or 10 years old at night for hours while she went out with a man....or at the movie theatre at night alone at 11....etc.)
So the therapist said to me, "When your SD says, 'You're a better mom,' She is trying to sort out what makes a good mom. This is highly advanced and important thinking. So the reason she gets mad at you when you say, 'I'm just a different kind of mom,' is you are confusing it for her. Try saying, 'Why thanks, I work hard at it.' instead. That way you're encouraging her to keep figuring it out without dogging her mom."
Yea!
I think sometimes kids have a right to as much info as they're ready for.
The problem with us is BM is an RN, self diagnoses things for SD and medicates her herself all the time. So she thinks she knows everything. When she was studying (while she and my H were married) she got very upset at the psych material for class. She would say, "Well....I do that." to my H. He knew she had problems (she was admitted after a suicide threat early in their marriage) and he would encourage her to get therapy. Then her paranoia would snap on- she'd say, "You'll just use it against me!" He tried to reassure her to no avail.
Interestingly enough I heard through BM's exfiance's exW (long story- their child went to the same school as my son and BM's then fiance's exW approached me a few times about BM attacking her at school events.) Anyway- heard that BM's Exfiance begged her to go to therapy too. Might be why they broke up.
She also doesn't get along with her family either. Her sister has befriended me because she gets along better with my H than her own sister. BM had written her sister a terrible after I met DH stating that she (BM's sister) needed psychological help if she (sister) thought she (sister) needed to stay friend with my H (they have known him for 17 years.)
I agree with you as well about BM not being happy unless she's creating crisis/drama. SD has unfortunately picked up that one as well.
Saw the Hours. Very dark indeed.
Peace, love, and red wine
RN...
Our BMs have a lot in common....mine is a Medical Assistant. Wears her scrubs EVERYWHERE. Wants to feel important, I guess. But she does the same thing, over medicates the girls from all the samples she gets from work. Only problem is the youngest, SD5, is asthmatic and I don't think is getting the proper care. She's allergic to pet hair/dander and BM has TWO cats in a tiny apartment and her boyfriend, where they spend ALL their free time, has a dog. I printed off material I found on the internet when she was first diagnosed that referenced that you really should get rid of the pets - BM wouldn't even look at it. You'd think she was a doctor from the way she talks. SD5 was so bad this weekend after a rabbit encounter at BMs boyfriend's house that she had to go to the ER.
Paranoia - that's a whole other topic for me. She accused many times of "recording" our conversations. One time even said that my phone was a recording device (was off her meds at that time). She's also accused me of turning all the other soccer mom's against her because they didn't want to listen to her latest and greatest rant. I told her that she was being paranoid and she burst into tears.
Like yours, I think their illness may frighten them. They don't want to admit they are ill even though they know it. Therefore, they don't seek much needed help.
I think you're my new best friend!
Finally someone who will completely understand!
SD is asthmatic as well.
BM has inside shedding dog and guinea pig (was in SD's ROOM for a while.
One night (the DAY they met with the ad litem attorney!) BM told SD to go get a "benedryl" out of her bathroom b/c SD's allergies were always bad over there. (Wonder why???) SD took something from a bottle marked benedryl. A few minutes later she felt nauseated and told BM. BM yelled, "What bottle did you take benedryl from????" SD showed her then BM tried to make her throw up unsuccessfully. Then sent her to bed. When SD asked what she took her mom told her, "Back pain med" and flushed them down the toilet. I would like to think she did that to protect SD from it happening again, but I'm wondering if she lifted a patients pain med. She's an administrative home health nurse. She checks in on patients and oversees their care, but doesn't really treat them.
Funny thing is I was a Dr's surgery assistant at an Ophthalmic office for six years. So when I met DH I took notice of SD popping benedryl and advil daily and set about correcting that through her pediatrician. SD told me recently (in front of Ped Dr) that BM still makes her take benedryl and use her rescue inhaler all the time (without her being out of breath.)
Some nurse. I fear for her patients.Oh- which she also makes fun of to SD. She talks about her patients all the time. Can you say HIPPA?????
Oh- and the paranoia! When our custody case hadn't yet started BM took SD for extra time in the summer once. After 5 days together they had a fight and SD got scared and ran to the neighbors. BM had shoved her down and SD was complaining of back pain. Knowing we were likely headed to court we took her to ER to document, filed a police report (the cops were a joke- that's another post) and CPS was notified. The day BM picked SD up for her normal visit (3 weeknights at that time) BM searched SD for wires. Nice. That one looked good when SD shared that with the counselor!
Peace, love, and red wine
I can count...
on one hand how many times I've had to use the rescue inhaler. If you use it too often, your asthma is NOT under control! Has the pedatrician recommended a different allergy medication other than Benadryl? SD5 takes Singulair in the morning and Zyrtec at night and it has helped tremendously. She also uses a nebulizer if she gets a nagging cough. We also bought a ridiculously expensive humidifier. She does great at our house - but then downhill when it's back to mom's house. I could go on for days about the asthma issue.
Yuck Yuck Yuck
This reminds me of BM's house. You would not believe the pets that have been allowed in her home that SS has brough home and my two skids have major allergies. One was a "wild" baby hog that SS caught. It lived in the house for a while. They bought it a beach ball to push around the house with its snout. Do you know how wet and slimey a pigs snout is? Imagine the germs on the brand new hardwood floors. Another was a baby raccoon that was rescued from a creek. It lived in the house until it got mean and had to be released. It played and fought with the cat and the dog that already lived in the house. Not to mention the various large reptiles including a huge iguana that was allowed to roam in SS room that escaped somewhere in the house - it has never been found. It may have gotten out, they just don't know. The Boa, the other snakes, lizards, fish, and turtles in SS other room. Oh I forgot to mention the two large parrots that have very large cages that reside in the garage so that BM cannot even park her car in there. And the seven chihuahua puppies in the garage now that SS rescued from the pet shop he works at. Plus seven dogs that live outside with the rabbits. At one time, in addition to the pig in the house, SS caught eleven other wild piglets and they lived next to the rabbits. Thank God they all escaped. Little Suey pig that lived in the house managed to escape only to be hit miles away on the highway. Oh yeah, the baby owls and woodpeckers that were "rescued" and lived in the house only to die because they were not properly cared for.
What kind of psych disease does this woman have?? I can't figure it out. Oh well, not my problem.
Wow
I find people who tend to want so many animals in their home are people who can't get along with others. They tend to try to get the
love from creatures other than the human species. I can't imagine how her house smells ewwwww.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
I agree
The reason they are putting up that building for SS and the "pets" is because they all don't get along in the house. Wouldn't that be BM's fault for not putting her foot down though? My MIL was out there one day at the same time I was checking on the building progress. She went in BM house and came out with a sour look and made a comment about all the animals and the smell. I hope it became apparent to MIL what the real problem is.
Don't be so sure that even
Don't be so sure that even if BM is diagnosed it will improve the problem. I have been told by someone that if BM would stay on her meds she would be ok. She supposedly sits on her job and cries all day. I find myself actually feeling sorry for her(have to wash my hands after typing that). I really do, then she will do something petty or malicious and suddenly the sympathy I have for her plight flies right out the window. She has been on the mental health ward of the local hospital five or six times, and that is just what we know about. This is in a 3 year period.
SS is now starting to realize what these hospital visits mean. He told me that his Aunt took him there to visit his Mom . DH, hit the roof, he didn't feel that SS should visit her on the mental ward. I have to agree with him. We are worried that she might commit suicide and SS will find her, but there isn't anything we can do right now.
**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**
My BM has been to counseling....
But it didn't help very much. My BM has a lot of issues. We have had 4 suicide attempts, numerous marriages and subsequent divorces, 3 threatened move aways and one emergency drama after another. It seems that she is never happy unless a lot of attention and drama is happening around her. She displays transference problems where she accuses others of the very issues and problems that she herself has. Denial, manipulation and narcissim abound. It's all about her and only her. A person with those kinds of deep rooted problems does not get better overnight or with a few therapy sessions. It takes years and it takes a real commitment to wanting to get better. I'm afraid my BM will never get better. I do feel sorry for her sometimes. She will never really know what love is like the rest of us. What a fate.
My SD and I have had the same heart breaking conversation where she wants to know what's "wrong" with her mother. I see the way she tries to hide her mother's problems from her friends and pretend that her mom is like other moms but you can tell she is only kidding herself. My poor SD.
The only thing we can do as the SM in this kind of situation is to be a stable adult influence in their lives. We need to do the right thing for them no matter how painful it is or how angry they become at us. They will thank us for that someday.
Stability
"The only thing we can do as the SM in this kind of situation is to be a stable adult influence in their lives."
You said exactly what my counselor said! Sometimes we become pros at this stuff ourselves don't we? (Or are you a therapist?)
We try to be the stable example, but sometimes SD starts missing the drama b/c our house is "boring." BM goes on a manic shopping sprees (did when she and DH were married too- that's another long story.)Bm buys SD her everything she wants - cell phone, playstation, videos, clothes, etc. Also she lets her do a ton of stuff unsupervised, lets her watch whatever movies she wants, play on the computer for 12 hours at a time, etc. But then SD will have a bad weekend over there where BM ignores her/yells at her all weekend and then she's very HAPPY to be back in our "boring" house.
She's projects/transfers a ton too. She told SD's Psychologist that DH initiated the custody case b/c he misses her and isn't happy with me and wants her back. Psychologist thinks she really believes this. But I think she creates the drama b/c she wishes she wouldn't have left him.
I worry as well about suicide attempts/successes. Have you seen the woman from Oprah who went for a walk one morning and her exH came in and killed their four children then himself? I had thought about going for morning walks while the kids got ready for school and I just can't bring myself to get that woman's story out of my mind.
Snd the rollercoaster relationships with men too. She hasn't married any of them yet, but exfiance moved in and out a few times before breaking the engagement off. Now after two years of stringing two men along and sharing details with SD, BM is going out of town again. Boyfriend number 2 is coming home from his deployment in Europe SD just mentioned that BM told her she's not going to Europe this time but Las Vegas. Hmmmm....wonder if she's coming back married. We can only hope he will stay in the military and they will move away.
Only good thing is SD likes this guy a lot. We used to be very troubled about it b/c even BM was engaged to (now boyfriend #1!) she would let this other guy take SD places alone for the day. But hopefully, he's a decent guy. Of course if he is and he marries her I feel very sorry for his situation.
This is what everyone warns you about getting divorced. It's not the actual divorce that's so bad, it's when you re-marry and don't get as nice an ExW as you are yourself!
Peace, love, and red wine
Borderline Personality Disorder
It seems that the BM has BPD. Check it out on the internet. Look at the DSM-IV mannual and it will give you the criteria for this personality disorder. It really does seem like this BM has a PD. The sad thing is that in order for a person with BPD to get significantly better, therapeutically, is to engage in long-term therapy along with medication. If she does not even recognize or address the fact that she has a mental illness, she will not seek help. The thing that's even more sad is that the people who are in this person's life will go through hell - to make a long story short. Your SD may need to begin counseling to be able to cope with her mother's illness. Otherwise the BM's behavior will take a toll on SD. You and your husband are the stable figures in her life and she is lucky to have that but it may not be enough if she is spending a significant amount of time with BM. Good luck with the situation. I feel for you and your husband. Our situation is very similar but I believe that the BM in my situation should have a dual diagnosis of borderline and historionic personality disorders.
PDs
I did a lot of research on personality disorders when I was trying to figure this stuff out before we went to the psychologist. I initially thought of both those same ones (borderline and histrionic) but SD's psychologist (PhD with 20 plus years experience) told me she thinks it's paranoid personality disorder. Actually she said it was a classic case and she was hopeful we would get the psyche eval b/c according to her any psychologist would pick it up after one conversation with her (she's only had 3 or 4 total with her herself. But she's the only psychologist to EVER consult her other than when she was admitted for depression in her early 20's. I did look up paranoid personality disorder and she had EVERY symptom, which wasn't true of the other personality disorders.
They are scary aren't they? The interesting thing about Paranoid Personality Disorder is that they tend to be highly intelligent and capable of high work ethic. EXCEPT when they get paranoid about their co-workers. BM switches jobs a lot. Once, early in our dating, BM called DH to ask how he would handle subordinates hiding charts from her in order to get her in trouble b/c they don't like her as their boss. Now THAT sounds a little paranoid, doesn't it?
We just keep trudging through. I'm really hopeful if she marries this guy that once he actually is around her for longer than a week he will force her into therapy.
Z
Peace, love, and red wine
I'm starting to wonder...
if Bm suffers from this as well? She switches boyfriends/jobs every 6 months. And EVERYONE is plotting against her. Co-workers, soccer moms, me, DH - you name it. What "research" helped you the most? Do you have a website?
The best Layman's site is
The best Layman's site is wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorders
But be careful to double check info b/c anyone can edit it. For instance I went on there last night and someone had added a person's name next to the term "pathological jealousy." I asked my DH, "What is THAT?" and I was going to edit it out but I'm not a member of Wikipedia and there was a warning that my personal info would be available to anyone. Didn't want to peeve the person who added the person's name on there. Who knows what they are like if they do something inappropriate like that!
Peace, love, and red wine
BM is in Counseling
She takes the kids once a year when they visit. SS overheard BM telling the counselor that my DH hit her and she had to flee the country. She left the country for another man. OMG she is even lying to her counselor. My husband doesn't hit and he is one of the most laid back sweetest man I have ever met. Anyway I find sometimes that counseling only enables the professional victims like my skids BM. She believes her own lies.
The thought of coming across what you thought was BM's panties reminded me of something. When I first married DH and was unpacking pictures I came across a picture of BM totally spread eagle. It was a pic of her right after she had SS. MY EYES MY EYES!!!!!
Not something a new wife wants to see. I needed glasses ever since. The burning of my eyes comes and goes. DH tore up the pic.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt"
More than you wanted to see
EEK! That would be horrid!
Yes, knowing that I had to wash panties once worn by BM was not a pleasant experience. I think she was probably pleased. Although she tells SD I am fat all the time. Now....I actually think BM and I weigh close to the same, but we carry it differently (I have huge boobs and she has none. Plus I had another baby a year and a half ago at 38 and my body hasn't bounced back to it's prior SKINNIER than BM status.) Here's the funny thing about the panties. They are bigger than my size. SO...I told DH if she made fun of me again to say, "Well they were bigger than what my wife wears so she knew they couldn't be (SD's). Next time (SD) needs underwear, buy her her own size instead of passing down ones you have grown out of."
Tee hee. He didn't get to say it, but boy I enjoyed thinking it!
Oh- and when SD was a baby DH and BM had a violent fight (her striking him) and he was holding SD. He decided to leave the house but when leaving BM tried to grab SD away from him. So he stepped aside and BM fell. When he returned she had called the police and filed a domestic charge against him. He had to leave right then. It was Christmas week so he went from Colorado to Ohio where his parents lived. A few days later BM called him on her birthday to ask when he was going to call and wish her a happy b-day. Does that sound like an action of an afraid abused wife????
A few days later BM showed up at DH's parents with SD handed her to him and said, "You take her she's sick." After staying up all night with SD,DH took her to ER. She was admitted for pneumonia. BM never came to the hospital. BM never came to see SD on her first Christmas. SD's first b-day was the next week, and BM didn't spend it with her either.
CRAZY.
A few years later is when SD was diagnosed with asthma.
Peace, love, and red wine
EWWWWWWW..........
If I ever had to endure that atrocity....I would throw up!
Post new comment