uniccco's picture

Lazy Step Children

I am married to a lovely woman my grade school sweet heart but she had two children without me and they are lazy as anybody i have ever seen in my life she doesnt push them hard to do anything she is real soft spoken and soft hearted the kids never had a man around with that fatherly push and stern voice they are 18 and 16 and the son is 16 with NF1 when i was there age i was already so intuned to doing chores around the house that my mom had to tell me nothing about that these kids want eveything and will eat eveything but think its dinner and a movie time all the time i constantly talk about this for i am trying to get them ready for the real world of work and independecy what should and can i do to break there years of not being pushed !

frustratedstepdad's picture

Get together with your wife

Get together with your wife and agree on some rules for the house. Then present the rules to the stepkids. They won't like it, but they won't have a choice. But your wife has to back you up on this.

Four stepdaughters. Sweet baby Jesus help me.....

http://niceguycipher.blogspot.com

uniccco's picture

Thanks will do !

Thanks will do !

Praying

kelly7890's picture

I understand your

I understand your frustration. I have been dealing with these same issues for 6 years. My step kids age 16 and 13, both boys, were brought up to do NOTHING around the house or for themselves. It's even a struggle to get the 13 year old to make his own food when he is hungry. I deal with laziness all of the time. No accountability from either. Basically their only responsibility is to eat, sleep and use the bath room. Half the time I am picking up tissue off the floor in the bathroom because they can not manage to throw their tissue in the garbage can. The only this my husband and I fight about (for the most part) is our kids (I also have two of my own, but they are with us less often, his kids are with us 100% of the time). My husband will tell them to clean up, but even if they do the effort they put into it is so minimal, it wasn't even worth the time it took to put in the minimal effort. There is no discipline or punishment if they are messy/lazy. Just a reminder over and over again. I know there are worse things that could happen, but it frustrates me so much sometimes I just go in a room and cry. My step kids won't listen to me, I really have no control over the situation. There are more issues other than the laziness (the fact they are disrespectful as well), but all I ask is to keep their room clean, that's it. They don't like going to their Mom's because it's so "dirty" yet they choose to be dirty here and expect me to clean up the mess. I have decided to choose my battles. I am no longer going to clean up their room, fold their clothes, etc. I will let their room get as dirty and disorganized as they want with out saying a word, I am done with it. The food wrappers, soda cans, garbage they leave around the house will stay there. It will drive me crazy, but I have realized I have to let this issue go in order to maintain my sanity.

autumnanjel's picture

I am going through the same

I am going through the same with and 18 yo sd. I cant stand it. Tried to disengage, but I just cant stand living in a filthy house while my husband could give two shits as long as SHE (the princess) isnt bitching, but it's ok for me 2 b so unhappy and stressed out that my dr gave me xanax. I fucking hate my life right now and I cant help but to take it out on him. He has no spine when it comes to her. She talks to him like he's a retard and comes up to him with her palm out and he fills it up while im working 40-50 hours per week and we have a 9 m/o together. fucking hate this.

Tiffanyartist11's picture

This sounds like my future

This sounds like my future and it scares me.

bronte74's picture

Just found this site tonight

Just found this site tonight and am lying in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks as I feel I have finally found somewhere that shows me I am not alone. I am at my wits end, feel so alone and that my DH feels like I a constantly picking on them (girls 12 and 14) when I the only thing I ask is for them to clean their rooms once a week before they go back to their BM. I know exactly how you feel.

Good Stepmom's picture

Hi. I can sympathize...I

Hi. I can sympathize...I have two twin fifteen year old step daughters who have to be constantly prodded to clean up after themselves. Things I have learned are that divorced bio parents sometimes fall into that trap where they want to be the "good guy" so they don't raise their children that certain things are expected, one of those being accountability for helping maintain a home. When I first entered my now husband's home, one look was all I needed to show me that his 3 children weren't expected to help him at all. So I went into this relationship eyes wide open on this.....When they first came to my home the eldest said uh oh...that's because my house was clean. After we all started living together it was a constant battle on my part..I was working myself to death. The most important thing, if this is going to change for you is you and your partner have to get together somehow on this. If you don't it won't ever work. My husband and I did not agree on this at first, I think kids should have chores, he says he agrees but his kids never had them. Our oldest is now away at college so his entire time spent living with me he had no regular household responsibilities. Our girls are with us half time....are totally overbooked with a variety of sports activities etc, I finally have my DH attention that just because they are busy and don't live with us full time is not justification for them having no responsibilities, What we have agreed to do is come up with a list of chores and a reasonable load for them,..so that they can start being more responsible. We have an 18 month old together, and not only can I not keep up by myself, it isn't fair to ask that of me and it really does the children no favors to let them just skate by helping take care of the home in which they live. I would suggest a coming together meeting between the parents, and then come up with something doable for the kids. I suggest not paying per chore, but paying by the week some reasonable amount for the adult inspected and confirmed completion of all chores. No partials....all or nothing. I think if the kid's have a reasonable set of expectations, and the new program is initiated and followed through with, everyone in the family will feel more respected and things will run much more smoothly. If you want to read about some of my experiences please take a look at my blog goodstepmom.com. Good luck...hope the advise helps!

Christy
Goodstepmom.com

Good Stepmom's picture

Hi. I can sympathize...I

Hi. I can sympathize...I have two twin fifteen year old step daughters who have to be constantly prodded to clean up after themselves. Things I have learned are that divorced bio parents sometimes fall into that trap where they want to be the "good guy" so they don't raise their children that certain things are expected, one of those being accountability for helping maintain a home. When I first entered my now husband's home, one look was all I needed to show me that his 3 children weren't expected to help him at all. So I went into this relationship eyes wide open on this.....When they first came to my home the eldest said uh oh...that's because my house was clean. After we all started living together it was a constant battle on my part..I was working myself to death. The most important thing, if this is going to change for you is you and your partner have to get together somehow on this. If you don't it won't ever work. My husband and I did not agree on this at first, I think kids should have chores, he says he agrees but his kids never had them. Our oldest is now away at college so his entire time spent living with me he had no regular household responsibilities. Our girls are with us half time....are totally overbooked with a variety of sports activities etc, I finally have my DH attention that just because they are busy and don't live with us full time is not justification for them having no responsibilities, What we have agreed to do is come up with a list of chores and a reasonable load for them,..so that they can start being more responsible. We have an 18 month old together, and not only can I not keep up by myself, it isn't fair to ask that of me and it really does the children no favors to let them just skate by helping take care of the home in which they live. I would suggest a coming together meeting between the parents, and then come up with something doable for the kids. I suggest not paying per chore, but paying by the week some reasonable amount for the adult inspected and confirmed completion of all chores. No partials....all or nothing. I think if the kid's have a reasonable set of expectations, and the new program is initiated and followed through with, everyone in the family will feel more respected and things will run much more smoothly. If you want to read about some of my experiences please take a look at my blog goodstepmom.com. Good luck...hope the advise helps!

Christy
Goodstepmom.com

hippiegirl's picture

bronte 74 & autumnanjel....I

bronte 74 & autumnanjel....I know how you feel. If you say anything, you're "being a bitch" or "picking on his kids". I get tired of having to politely smile while my lazy, worthless SS24 gets away with being lazy and disrespectful. "He's had a hard life". Yeah, give me a break! I know many people who had parents who got freakin' divorced, and they're doing okay!

Piglet99's picture

Finally I don't feel so

Finally I don't feel so alone. My SD is 14 and have been with her BD for 7 years. Luckily she is only over every other weekend. But she is so lazy. When she leaves I have to walk around the house and pick up wherever she was at in the house. My husband definitely has weekend dad syndrome and doesn't want to make her life rough or unbearable since he doesn't get to see her all the time. It is so frustrating to see him wait on her hand and foot and then me having to clean up after her. I wish I could enforce some house rules, but I have been put in my place and told that I'm not allowed to do that.

Mason's picture

so I am a fairly new

so I am a fairly new stepfather to a 9 year old and an 8 year old. they are both boys and will be turning 9 and 10 in the next 2 months. The problem I have is their lack of responsibilities. I grew up in a home with 3 younger brothers. So having younger boys around is something I am very used to. The main issue for me though is that they don't do anything. When my brothers and I were at that age, we were expected to do simple things around the house. we cleaned the bathroom, picked up our toys, kept our rooms clean, and did small tasks for ourselves such as (taking a bath, getting a glass of juice, or grabbing a snack out of the pantry.) in addition to that we also had a list of chores on the fridge that must be completed by the time we went to bed Ie; I vacuumed the living room, another brother dusted all the shelves, etc. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about here is a typical day:
They wake up and watch tv in the living room, while my wife or I make them breakfast and bring it to them. Then we make their lunch and pack it in their backpacks. We set out all their clothes for them, and pick up all their toys in the living room. (all while they watch tv) then they dress and go to school, my wife expects me to refill their drinks, or get whatever else they need in the morning. when they get home from school they watch tv and play with toys, and we again make them a snack and bring it to them along with their beverages. My wife goes upstairs and cleans their room, makes their beds, and brings their laundry downstairs. They continue to play and watch tv from the time they come home from school until they go to bed at 9. All the while, making messes that my wife and I clean up. we make dinner and bring it to them, and they are very picky. If they eat fruit it has to be cut and peeled, bread must have the crust removed, pizza needs to have the topping picked off, and if anything looks slightly burnt or different to them they will not eat it. I made them noodles last night and I was told I need to cut the noodles or they wont eat them. so I cut them, and the boys said I cut them to short so they refused to eat and dumped their food in the garbage. I then made more for them, but it was to spicy (even though they didn't taste it) and dumped them out again. so I just gave up and told my wife you cook for them, they wont eat anything I make. we start there baths for them, and dry them off when they come out. we clean their ears, wash their face, etc.
Its driving me nuts. Every time I talk to my wife about them having responsibilities, she says I just don't want to take care of them cause their not my own kids. With both of us working full time jobs its very difficult to get alone time. now she told me "promise me you will take them fishing every weekend that they are at our house" I wouldn't mind if they were behaved, but they don't listen to me and taking them anywhere is miserable. They stay with us for 2 weeks and then their fathers house for 1 week. Their father is very wealthy so he buys them all the toys they want. so many that he will have to go through there room every few weeks and take full garbage bags of toys to goodwill. They have a ps3, xbox, wii, Ipads, Ipods, and Gameboys. They also have a nanny at their fathers house who does all chores, and meal prep for them. Whenever we go to the store they beg us to buy toys, and throw a fit if we do not.
as for personal space, I have non. I told my wife I though our room should be off-limits to the children, and she said that would be too mean. I then set up an office in our basement, and lock the doors when i'm working in there. They would pick the lock with a butter knife and run in and start playing and making noise. I then switched to a regular door nob with a key lock, bt they will sit outside of the door and nock on it for hours asking for snacks, beverages, etc......all of which they could easily grab themselves. I have only been married for a year but its really starting to bother me. Lately after work, I have been fishing, hiking, driving around, walking, etc. anything to avoid being home with them for extended periods of time. My wife works 10-7 during the day, and I work a night shift from 6:00pm to 2am. I usually wake up around 8 and try to get out of the house before they wake up (summer break rite now). How should I deal with this. I love my wife and leaving her or moving out is not an option. But I definitely find myself desperately needing alone time, and get very frustrated with the childrens lack of doing anything.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Society is a huge part of the

Society is a huge part of the problem. You add lazy or "guilt" parenting to that, and you have a recipe for disaster! I get that folks want better for their children than they had, but that doesn't mean you have to drown them with gifts and whatever else they want.

SD15 is a product of this recipe! You have BM who is a lazy parent, and DH who is the "Disney Dad" guilt parent. Add to that the fact that BM totally subscribes to the entitlement society! What does that mean? It means, whatever princess wants, princess gets...but because BM is to lazy to get off of her butt an work, that means that she guilts DH into giving SD15 whatever she asks for. She wanted a $70 dress for a color guard officer trying that was about 5 minutes of performance, BM pulled out the all the tricks to get DH to buy it! You know where that dress is now? In a ball on the floor of her room somewhere! No, she can't take care of it for next year's tryouts (I mean, why should she ever have to wear anything twice), she can't consider consigning it, etc. $200 in makeup...constant electronic/device replacement (I'm seriously surprised that she has been made to endure a cracked screen for as long as she has this time)...more clothing that all the other people in the household put together...etc. Thankfully, I've put an end to most of the bleeding of the finances, and boy, is SD15 making sure I know she is not happy with me for it (how dare I tell DH he cannot spend MY money on her when his money is gone).

Chores? What are those? I mean, why should we ask them to do anything! How dare we! Aren't we supposed to clean up after them?

People don't realize they aren't doing these kids any favors, and I'm seriously scared of what society will be in 10-20 years!

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Not my circus, not my monkeys!

TGIHB's picture

We are all fighting the same

We are all fighting the same battle here, but the majority of us will never win. I love my DH but find myself feeling anxious for what he will have to deal with when it comes to SD16. She is so unprepared for the real world. She acts so childish, and idiotic. He doesn't even talk to her about the future. She rattles on about becoming a singer, and he doesn't even bring her down to reality. Trust me, the dogs in the neighborhood howl when she sings. I once thought it was my cat crying outside. There is never any type of adult talk between the two of them. He just listens to her incessant babble about stupid things, and once in a while replies, oh yeah? My God, when my boys were that age, we were discussing college and careers, and jobs to get them through it all. My guys would always talk to each other about classes, and college. This girl talks about food, and how many more things she needs daddy to buy for her. Up all night texting, and sleeps all day. Doesn't do a single thing. She's the biggest baby I've ever seen.
I think DH will get what he deserves with this girl, and I won't feel sorry for him. He will have brought it all on himself.

TGIHB
IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME...

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

SD15's new one is that she

SD15's new one is that she thinks she is going to try out for "So You Think You Can Dance". The people that go anywhere on that show have been taking dance classes since they could walk basically. She took dance in middle school...and in 8th grade missed a half a year of it at that because she was with us (1st time she got into trouble). Other than that, the little bit of dancing she has done in guard...very basic contemporary. She can do splits, she can point her toes...but she can't do any of the leaps correctly, etc. And any other style? She has no interest in learning...no ballroom, no hip-hop (saw her do a hip-hop routine once during a middle school recital...it was really weak...I take hip-hop classes myself), no jazz, etc. Lets not forget that she doesn't do ANY independent practice, either. She has to be able to pickup all of these styles for that show! Yeah, she may get a ticket to Vegas week, but she would never survive call-backs! But she is putting all of her eggs into that basket! No plan B! And she has talked about college...but the ONLY school she wants to go to has a reputation for being a big time party school, and DH already said he will not help her go to school there! If she wants to go, it is all on her...don't ask him for help! If she wants to go to a more respectable school, then he will talk!

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Not my circus, not my monkeys!

SebringLad's picture

Unicco, That might be "The

Unicco,
That might be "The World's Longest Sentence" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rags's picture

Military School!!!! It worked

Military School!!!!

It worked wonders for my Skid. His mom and I sent him away to military boarding school for his Jr. and Sr. years of high school. In the first 12 weeks he lost 40lbs and went from a slovenly lump/slob to a very together young cadet. His Jr year he was an honor student, a highly awarded Cadet, and a champion athlete.

Then he went back for summer leadership camp and his Sr. year. That, sadly, was a Sperm Idiot caused disaster. For the first semester of his Sr. year his Sperm Idiot hacked the school fire wall and he and SS would spend all night every night playing WoW to the point that SS was comatose in class every day. He failed the only class he needed to graduate. SS was so worn down that ended up with Swine Flu and spent two weeks in the school infirmary. Rather than catch up on his school work he spent that 2wks WoWing with the Sperm Idiot.

We brought him home at Christmas break and enrolled him in our local high school, took him on a tour of the winter homeless camps under the highways in Philly and told him he either graduated on time and we either went to a graduation ceremony or we would drop him off at the homeless camp.

That was the watershed experience for the Skid. He only needed Sr Eng 1&2 to graduate at Military School but needed Sr Eng 1&2, 2 math classes, 2 career track classes, and to complete an 18mo Sr project to graduate from our local HS. That kid busted his ass and graduated on time and with honors terrified the whole time his mom was going to load him in the car and kick him out at the homeless camp. Ha! Evil

If the Sperm Idiot had stayed out of it Military School would have been a complete success for my Skid.

He is now nearly 22 and just completed year 3 of his initial 6 year USAF enlistment. He is working on a BSCS and doing very well. Far better than his worthless POS Sperm Idiot has done in his entire useless life.

Military School worked wonders for my dad, my younger brother, and me too. A great experience and a truly sturdy foundation for a disciplined life.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not a buddy.-Rags

If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR

If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags