uniccco's picture

Lazy Step Children

I am married to a lovely woman my grade school sweet heart but she had two children without me and they are lazy as anybody i have ever seen in my life she doesnt push them hard to do anything she is real soft spoken and soft hearted the kids never had a man around with that fatherly push and stern voice they are 18 and 16 and the son is 16 with NF1 when i was there age i was already so intuned to doing chores around the house that my mom had to tell me nothing about that these kids want eveything and will eat eveything but think its dinner and a movie time all the time i constantly talk about this for i am trying to get them ready for the real world of work and independecy what should and can i do to break there years of not being pushed !

frustratedstepdad's picture

Get together with your wife

Get together with your wife and agree on some rules for the house. Then present the rules to the stepkids. They won't like it, but they won't have a choice. But your wife has to back you up on this.

uniccco's picture

Thanks will do !

Thanks will do !

Praying

kelly7890's picture

I understand your

I understand your frustration. I have been dealing with these same issues for 6 years. My step kids age 16 and 13, both boys, were brought up to do NOTHING around the house or for themselves. It's even a struggle to get the 13 year old to make his own food when he is hungry. I deal with laziness all of the time. No accountability from either. Basically their only responsibility is to eat, sleep and use the bath room. Half the time I am picking up tissue off the floor in the bathroom because they can not manage to throw their tissue in the garbage can. The only this my husband and I fight about (for the most part) is our kids (I also have two of my own, but they are with us less often, his kids are with us 100% of the time). My husband will tell them to clean up, but even if they do the effort they put into it is so minimal, it wasn't even worth the time it took to put in the minimal effort. There is no discipline or punishment if they are messy/lazy. Just a reminder over and over again. I know there are worse things that could happen, but it frustrates me so much sometimes I just go in a room and cry. My step kids won't listen to me, I really have no control over the situation. There are more issues other than the laziness (the fact they are disrespectful as well), but all I ask is to keep their room clean, that's it. They don't like going to their Mom's because it's so "dirty" yet they choose to be dirty here and expect me to clean up the mess. I have decided to choose my battles. I am no longer going to clean up their room, fold their clothes, etc. I will let their room get as dirty and disorganized as they want with out saying a word, I am done with it. The food wrappers, soda cans, garbage they leave around the house will stay there. It will drive me crazy, but I have realized I have to let this issue go in order to maintain my sanity.

autumnanjel's picture

I am going through the same

I am going through the same with and 18 yo sd. I cant stand it. Tried to disengage, but I just cant stand living in a filthy house while my husband could give two shits as long as SHE (the princess) isnt bitching, but it's ok for me 2 b so unhappy and stressed out that my dr gave me xanax. I fucking hate my life right now and I cant help but to take it out on him. He has no spine when it comes to her. She talks to him like he's a retard and comes up to him with her palm out and he fills it up while im working 40-50 hours per week and we have a 9 m/o together. fucking hate this.

bronte74's picture

Just found this site tonight

Just found this site tonight and am lying in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks as I feel I have finally found somewhere that shows me I am not alone. I am at my wits end, feel so alone and that my DH feels like I a constantly picking on them (girls 12 and 14) when I the only thing I ask is for them to clean their rooms once a week before they go back to their BM. I know exactly how you feel.

Good Stepmom's picture

Hi. I can sympathize...I

Hi. I can sympathize...I have two twin fifteen year old step daughters who have to be constantly prodded to clean up after themselves. Things I have learned are that divorced bio parents sometimes fall into that trap where they want to be the "good guy" so they don't raise their children that certain things are expected, one of those being accountability for helping maintain a home. When I first entered my now husband's home, one look was all I needed to show me that his 3 children weren't expected to help him at all. So I went into this relationship eyes wide open on this.....When they first came to my home the eldest said uh oh...that's because my house was clean. After we all started living together it was a constant battle on my part..I was working myself to death. The most important thing, if this is going to change for you is you and your partner have to get together somehow on this. If you don't it won't ever work. My husband and I did not agree on this at first, I think kids should have chores, he says he agrees but his kids never had them. Our oldest is now away at college so his entire time spent living with me he had no regular household responsibilities. Our girls are with us half time....are totally overbooked with a variety of sports activities etc, I finally have my DH attention that just because they are busy and don't live with us full time is not justification for them having no responsibilities, What we have agreed to do is come up with a list of chores and a reasonable load for them,..so that they can start being more responsible. We have an 18 month old together, and not only can I not keep up by myself, it isn't fair to ask that of me and it really does the children no favors to let them just skate by helping take care of the home in which they live. I would suggest a coming together meeting between the parents, and then come up with something doable for the kids. I suggest not paying per chore, but paying by the week some reasonable amount for the adult inspected and confirmed completion of all chores. No partials....all or nothing. I think if the kid's have a reasonable set of expectations, and the new program is initiated and followed through with, everyone in the family will feel more respected and things will run much more smoothly. If you want to read about some of my experiences please take a look at my blog goodstepmom.com. Good luck...hope the advise helps!

Christy
Goodstepmom.com

Good Stepmom's picture

Hi. I can sympathize...I

Hi. I can sympathize...I have two twin fifteen year old step daughters who have to be constantly prodded to clean up after themselves. Things I have learned are that divorced bio parents sometimes fall into that trap where they want to be the "good guy" so they don't raise their children that certain things are expected, one of those being accountability for helping maintain a home. When I first entered my now husband's home, one look was all I needed to show me that his 3 children weren't expected to help him at all. So I went into this relationship eyes wide open on this.....When they first came to my home the eldest said uh oh...that's because my house was clean. After we all started living together it was a constant battle on my part..I was working myself to death. The most important thing, if this is going to change for you is you and your partner have to get together somehow on this. If you don't it won't ever work. My husband and I did not agree on this at first, I think kids should have chores, he says he agrees but his kids never had them. Our oldest is now away at college so his entire time spent living with me he had no regular household responsibilities. Our girls are with us half time....are totally overbooked with a variety of sports activities etc, I finally have my DH attention that just because they are busy and don't live with us full time is not justification for them having no responsibilities, What we have agreed to do is come up with a list of chores and a reasonable load for them,..so that they can start being more responsible. We have an 18 month old together, and not only can I not keep up by myself, it isn't fair to ask that of me and it really does the children no favors to let them just skate by helping take care of the home in which they live. I would suggest a coming together meeting between the parents, and then come up with something doable for the kids. I suggest not paying per chore, but paying by the week some reasonable amount for the adult inspected and confirmed completion of all chores. No partials....all or nothing. I think if the kid's have a reasonable set of expectations, and the new program is initiated and followed through with, everyone in the family will feel more respected and things will run much more smoothly. If you want to read about some of my experiences please take a look at my blog goodstepmom.com. Good luck...hope the advise helps!

Christy
Goodstepmom.com

hippiegirl's picture

bronte 74 & autumnanjel....I

bronte 74 & autumnanjel....I know how you feel. If you say anything, you're "being a bitch" or "picking on his kids". I get tired of having to politely smile while my lazy, worthless SS24 gets away with being lazy and disrespectful. "He's had a hard life". Yeah, give me a break! I know many people who had parents who got freakin' divorced, and they're doing okay!

Piglet99's picture

Finally I don't feel so

Finally I don't feel so alone. My SD is 14 and have been with her BD for 7 years. Luckily she is only over every other weekend. But she is so lazy. When she leaves I have to walk around the house and pick up wherever she was at in the house. My husband definitely has weekend dad syndrome and doesn't want to make her life rough or unbearable since he doesn't get to see her all the time. It is so frustrating to see him wait on her hand and foot and then me having to clean up after her. I wish I could enforce some house rules, but I have been put in my place and told that I'm not allowed to do that.