First let me start off by saying that I do not visit StepTalk as often as I used to. And I only post this because ever so often, you will find a post that warms your heart, gives you inspiration, or reason to think that things can change. We do not see these often, and I think that for many, that message that good things DO HAPPEN gets lost. I am about to post one of those.
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Everyone duck your head, the sky is falling!!! Cats and dogs are raining... Pigs and donkeys have to be flying...
Ladies, in my hand I am holding on to a new stipulation. DH and SD's BM (BM2 for the count) met today to discuss the new visitation schedule. DH has already had it written up by the attorney! Talk about fast!
Here it is...
Beginning October 26, 2007, Father' parenting time shall be alternating weekends from Friday at 3:00pm to Sunday at 7:30pm and on the following week Father's parenting time shall be Saturday 2:30pm to Sunday 7:30pm. The parties shall follow the Holiday Schedule as set forth in the Children Holiday Attachment. The Holiday schedule takes precedence over the regularly scheduled parenting time.
During the off-track periods beginning November 5, 2007, the parties will alternate parenting time on a weekly as set forth in the Children Holiday Schedule Attachment attached hereto and incorporated herein reference. Father's off track time will be in conjunction with the weeks he has his son.
So, basically we have this schedule
Martin Luther King Birthday Mother Even years, Father Odd years
President's Day Father Even years, Mother Odd years
Mother's Day Mother (as expected...)
Father's Day Father, (dah...)
July 4th Mother Even years, Father Odd years (8am 4th-8am next day)
Labor Day Father Odd years, Mother Even years
Halloween Mother Even years, Father Odd years
Thanksgiving Day Mother Even years, Father Odd years
Breaks for year-round schools Alternate Weeks
Easter Sunday Mother Even years, Father Odd years
Xmas Eve Father Even years, Mother Odd years (8am-8pm)
Xmas Day Mother Even years, Father Odd years (8pm 'Eve' to 8pm 'Day')
New Years Eve/Day Mother Even years, Father Odd years (8pm 'Eve'-8pm 'Day' next day)
Plus, it looks like CS will drop now that we have more time.
Let me give some background, BM agreed to handle this matter outside of court, without a battle of wits, or much argument... is she growing up? I think so.
What I wanted to point out is YES I can attest that indeed BM's CAN CHANGE. I have had TWO BM's change on a dime, and I attribute it to a number of factors...
For one, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT YOUR INVOLVEMENT and YOUR influence, or INSTIGATION in the 'power struggle' with BM. PERIOD. In order for a fight to ensue, two have to tangle. You have to come to some hard hitting questions and ask yourself, what is my involvement? How am I affecting this? If you have ANY part in it, than you need to look at your approach.
Second, you have to admit to yourself your insecurities, and your willingness to change, or help the situation, sometimes it's just backing off the issue and letting DH take control of the issue period. IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Sometimes, as a stepparent, we get overzealous because we see the affect that BM has on our spouse, and we don't disassociate that that ISN'T OUR ISSUE. It's our spouses to deal with, NOT OURS. (Yes, it's frustrating, it's lip biting, I know the whole nine yards, been there done that, but I FINALLY came to some realizations.)
Third, if your significant other isn't willing to own up to the issues, work, compromise with the other parent, etc., about the issues that ensue with the ex or children, and you come along tell them how it's suppose to be... guess what, you're going to be met with opposition. They already have enough opposition, hence the reason they don't want to fight about it, ie in court, mediation, visitation rights, etc. So, what makes you think they are going to treat you any better? Think about it.
So, with those points to think about, sometimes, if you simply just remove yourself from the ensuing cat fights and DON'T PLAY THEIR GAMES, things settle down. It's not going to happen over night, or even days, or weeks, and could take years, but removing yourself form the actual battle of wits, and using your head, not your emotions, things CAN change.
Food for thought! *wink*
Thats great.....
Great NEWS! GreatNEWS! We are in the same boat right now trying to increase parenting time. I like that better, because that's what you are suppose to be doing, parenting. But without such outcome as yours. I'm so happy for you and it gives me hope, not on this round but maybe in the future. We tried to politely ask for more time 2 years ago, bm couldn't find it to let sd father pick her up at 5:30 pm from the 7:00 pm time originally set. The circumstances greatly changed she moved so not only is my husband getting home at almost 8 pm w sd she has to be back to school the next morn 40 min away. So we are going back to court b/c the bm wrote a nice little letter to our attorney basically telling her she won't agree or go to mediation or anything she'll just have words with the judge because dh is being selfish and considers noone but himself when he asks fo rthese schedule changes. She is not afraid of court!! We have been at least 4 times and she stalls and gets sh*t all twisted. So i'm trying to hang in there..... Rub some of your luck off on us! Is your sd old enough that she can express she wants more time? Ours is but she is scared of her mom and gmas!
Good deal
Just like you Step Mom, not posting here much anymore. I read your post on MySpace, but wanted to comment here since there are so many new faces and younger and soon to SM's here now.
Listen up, Step Mom has it figured out. And as long as the stupid little games are being played and jealousy reigns, then stepparents will never win. Skids will never measure up and marriages will end. It is all about maturity and respect.
So Step Mom, I am glad that BM finally pulled he head outta her butt long enough to make sense. Proof everyone that good things come to those who wait! I am glad you guys got the time you deserve. Sounds like the parents (Bio and steps) are starting to find their way. This will only result in a much better adjusted child, which means a happier YOU!!!
First of all...
I want to say Congratulations. Second, I want to let you know that I personally have taken into account some of the 'advice' you have given - not to me personally, but by reading some of your other posts. So, thank you very much in that sense. I also agree with a lot of what you've stated in this most recent post. I ALSO feel as if some of us evolve. On the other hand, my counselor told me recently that BM in my case probably will never change, that I need to learn to adapt. In my situation, I have figured out that I am the one that needs to "lighten up" because I otherwise will drive myself crazy. I am the one who needs to change. In any other situation, I would never allow someone to speak to/treat myself or my husband the way she does. She is the exception to the rule - I have to let her rant and rave and sit back and say nothing. My point is that I come on this site a lot of times to unload, so to speak. It's where this "Stepparent came to vent". All my anger that I am incapable of unloading on my husband's ex-wife gets dumped here.
It just seems like when you post yoour comments, like the one above, you always say that you don't like it here anymore. And I really am sorry you feel that way. Maybe we're at different stages in our mothering roles and you've "graduated" so to speak. Kinda like rehab. When I first came here I have to tell you, I was broken. There is only so much a person can take. I was ecstatic that I was not alone. Luvdagirl and Daddysgurl, especially, embraced me with open arms and have comforted me tremendously.
I guess all I'm trying to say is that I, personally, am so glad that you had this work out for you. I hope one day soon I can post similar good news. And as a "newbie" here along with some of the others, please have a little understanding where some of our animosity is stemming from. I think a lot of us just don't know how to deal with our situations. So along with GoingCrazy and Anne, I just hope that you continue to comment on this site.
I've been here long enough....
Honey, it's not you...
But there are a few very very very immature posters that I'm really annoyed with now, and so, I don't visit this site much anymore. I wanted to share my new event for anyone out there that have been following me all this time, and I recently read a post about if BM's can change, etc... it just made me shake my head at all the negativity.
This is not directed toward you in anyway, or for anyone for that matter... but as a resource to maybe re-look at one's situation and ask themselves some questions. Many are just simply to scared to acknowledge their involvement.
One thing that I seem to be seeing is a rash of people posting and they all are saying that no way their BM can't change, because as we all know... 'BM's are the epitome of evil'... we ALL have to deal with someone, and we're all here trying to repair a relationship that is damaged, ie, husbands, stepkids, bioparents, you name it... else we won't be here. (And when I say rash of posters, I don't mean that every single one, but the tone is there.) What I rarely seldom see anymore, is the willingness to look at their own situation and literally take into count what they are attributing to it. So, when someone comes along and gives some advice, instead of looking at the whole scope of it, I've seen a rash of posters that just automatically pull out the 'not MY BM' card, without looking at... oh, maybe that's true? Oh, I didn't think about that, etc.
Instead, we have people who want to quickly blame others for all of it. When I started this journey, I was far from accepting that I too had a part in the situation. It took me a long time, and ultimately it was this site that got me there. I had to reexamine my situation based on other situations, and I got my answers. I don't automatically assume or jump to the gun that my BM is out to get me or my DH or that the kids are doing this or that because BM MADE them. Give some credit where credit is due. And I have come to realize that yes, BM is who she is- it's not MY problem. I'm not going to change her, I never expected to change her, but I certainly backed out of the situation. BM changed herself... not me.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Okie dokie...
She signed it. All final now!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Step Mom
It is a ridiculous hour but I can't sleep. Glad things are signed and going well. Please stay on this site. I'm with you. I don't like some of the craziness on these posts but there are some really phenomenal women with great insight and advice. You post interesting and heartfelt remarks. We can all learn from eachother. I have found that since I began involving myself here with everyone, that I am changing. Sometimes it is because what I hear sounds so horrible, and it reminds me of my situation I quickly decide to change. Other's it is because when I'm really down, there is someone who understands that feeling and reaches out with a kind heart. Sometimes I think my best friends are here writing. I look forward to hearing what people have to say. There are some who have risen to a place of wisdom like Anne. Going through it, with the newbies, the angries, the whatever, really helps us all.
Congrats anyway on the modification. I know what a relief that must be for you.
Kathleen
Yep!
Right on! I actually never did play her games, never speak with her, never met her, never want to. Not my ex, not my fight. I talked DH into walking away from the "catfights" years ago and things settled down and she stopped being the right royal bitch.
My SS and his attitude have always been the problem for us and sure, we don't like what BM does but we just lump it, for peace sake alone.
I have looked into my part with SS and things have gotten a whole lot better like SS wanting to live here (who'd have ever imagined that?), but I am torn between thinking everything is fine now because we have both changed and that things are different now because I just shut my mouth and find something better to do than care if SS's brain rots from 16 hours of Video games a day..? And if he ignores me I just go back to my reruns of 'House'..LOL.
But I just know now from this site that it's not my war and I can't win it, so I might as well forget it..keeps me sane. I understand that there are people that will have shitty BM's and circumstances forever no matter what they try, because some BM's just can't get past the "I'm the baby momma thing", but for most you are right.
Anyway Step Mom I am so happy for you and I hope things continue on this road for you, god knows, you deserve it
I feel there does come a time when you graduate from this site, it doesn't mean you know it all or that your problems are permanently solved, but it does mean you have learned how to deal with your own emotions and the BMs and skids as well, or at least found a comfortable place in all the mayhem. I know I owe my comfy spot in my life now to the wisdom and time all these ladies have shown me here, and you know who you are. But I will still lurk around and help anyone I can if I relate to their post, I hope something I say will spit them out where I am someday...at acceptance.
Luv Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
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