RB's picture

Adult Step Daughter (23) wants to Move Home

DH and I met for lunch today and shortly into our lunch visit he mentioned what a hard time his youngest daughter was having getting along with her middle sister (25)as the two girls rent a house together in our small town. Then he proceeded to go on about how our sons really miss their older sister and how she would like to move home. Really? You've got to be kidding me! I believe the man has completely forgotten the hell his daughters put our sons, him and me through when they were still living at home. I made the mistake in the past of letting his adult children move back into the home in the (DH has four adult children + their children). I told him in no uncertain terms, "NO!" Our life sucked when those adult children lived in our home. Then he mentioned he could let them rent our rental house. Again, "NO!" was my response. Our rental is too close to our house and the last time one of his daughter's lived there she completely trashed the place, moved her friends in, we never got a dime of rent, ended up paying her power and water, taking her trash to the dump and he acted as a chauffeur for her. I finally had to have local law enforcement serve her with an eviction notice and it took several months after that even to get that daughter to move. NO, NO, NO!!! Not again!


novemberm's picture

I would keep saying NO and do

I would keep saying NO and do not let up! If you had her evicted before, and you let her back, and had to evict again, the local law enforcement may not take it seriously a second time around. Your DH needs to let her figure out what to do, and he should not even think about letting her into either house. She will act the same as before, as you already know.

My boyfriend's daughter has been thrown out of 3 homes in the past year, because she, too, "cant' get along" with people. They need to learn to get along, or work enough hours for their own places.

RB's picture

This SD (23) is the one who

This SD (23) is the one who wants to move back home and is currently living with SD (25) who is the one I had to evict. I know, I have so many drama queens who have lived in my home that it can get confusing for sure! I agree that law enforcement may not take it seriously if another SD moves into that rental and I have to evict her. I already informed my DH that the SD (25) screwed it up for SD (23). I hope he pays attention! The last time when SD (25) was in there it was a nightmare. I have to drive past that rental to get to my house and the gate to my driveway is at the entrance of the rental. Nothing like getting threatened, mooned, etc. at the gate-especially scary at night when SD (25) was threatening to kill me all of the time. Yuck. I reminded DH of this behavior. Also, I know it won't be long before SD (23) and SD (25) are buddies again. Then life will be total hell for me.

Yes, they do need to learn to get along with others, for sure!

Thanks novemberm! Smiling

twopines's picture

Stand firm!! Tell your DH

Stand firm!! Tell your DH that she's fine where she is, and if she doesn't like it then there is nothing stopping her from getting her own place and her brothers are more than welcome to visit!

—

β€œThe witch in Hansel and Gretel -- she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.” Miranda - Sex and the City

RB's picture

Yep, that's what I already

Yep, that's what I already told him, that she can either get her own place away from her sister or she can learn to get along with others. Now we'll see how well he listens...

herewegoagain's picture

No, no, no...yes,

No, no, no...yes, oops...NOOOOO...stand your ground. Honestly, I just don't get it anymore. I was 23 when I was married the first time...when I divorced just a few years later (I had no kids), my BIO parents (they are NOT divorced) told me I could move back home to save money...Guess what? I sold just about EVERYTHING I had to be able to keep my own place and cars. I worked 12hr days for two years straight to STAY OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE! Yes, I have moved there ONCE since then...but that was because we were in the process of moving, my DHs company changed his move date by ONE MONTH and we had already given our 60day notice at our apt...so we were there about 3 weeks...not MOVED IN...just like a vc...

What is wrong with these people? It's like they think that ALL ADULT "kids" need to move back home...ridiculous.

—

whatsup

RB's picture

Hi Herewegoagain, I agree. I

Hi Herewegoagain,

I agree. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 19 because I felt it was time for me to move from the nest. I stayed out of there and like you, had to sell things and scrimp, went without heat during the winter a couple of times and, at one point, only had a bag of pancake mix to live on. It was tough, but it tought me that I could depend on myself to survive, not run to mom and dad every time I needed something. Besides, SD 23 could just be getting in a fight with her sister so she can have an excuse to come home. The thought has crossed my mind. She knew what she was getting into when she moved in with her sister. Besides, DH let the little darlings borrow our big ton truck to move their stuff into their new house and they blew the clutch out on it there very first trip and they were only moving a few miles. Go figure. No one bothered to even help tow the truck back to our house and no one has bothered to offer to fix it even though the little darlings (or their boyfriends) were the ones that broke it. Another expensive lesson. Now the truck will sit there until I have enough money to pay the mechanic to fix it. Another smart move on DH's part. His words were, "I thought they knew how to drive it". Really? He's got to be kidding me!

StepAside's picture

WTF is wrong with these men

WTF is wrong with these men who get these "requests" from their grown, adult daughters and they are merely messenger BOYS who come straight to the wifey for approval???

Are they not capable of critical thinking whatsoever?? Your DH was there. He's well aware of the hell you all (including himself) went through the last time. He's well aware of the rental property history. Does his own brain conclude that moving her back in is a good idea? Or has he even bothered to ask himself?

Isn't it just soooooo much easier to come running to you and have you say no for him? Then he can tell his grown daughters that he's sorry, but you said no. And they can all conclude with their gang mentality, "That BITCH!".

He's merely the bearer of bad news. "Sorry girls. I love you. Wish I could have helped." Isn't he a softie. Poor guy. You are oh so controlling.

It's repeated versions of similar stories like this, that have contributed to my oldest SD(29) giving her father (who she sees around twice a year for 1-2 days) a lecture during their last visit, and reiterating that he has "allowed" me to cut his "balls off".

It's always been easier to have me be the heavy. The dynamics of them asking him for shit like perpetual prepubescent teenagers will never change. His phone will always ring when they want something, "Daddddyyyyyyyyy". They will never be reciprocating adults in a mutually respectful relationship.

And part of it, is because Daddy has never been able to say, "I have my own life. Live yours and butt out of mine." It's beyond ludicrous that an almost 30-yr-old would believe that she could speak to her father like that. But, he doesn't like to tell her no, so that's where she gets so entitled.

My sympathies. The only thing you can do is to continue drawing your own boundaries and stick to them. You can't force your DH to become an independent thinker. He'll have to do it on his own.

—

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

RB's picture

Hi StepAside, I agree. It is

Hi StepAside,

I agree. It is a pretty easy way for DH to say "No" without him being the bad guy. Actually, it might even be pretty clever on his part.

RB's picture

Snickersgal, I agree!

Snickersgal, I agree!

Sweetnothings's picture

Stay firm......and keep

Stay firm......and keep saying NO!!
If she gets back in....that will be the start of it all again......

My SD21 wants back over here after she finishes her education/ training etc. Yes, this maybe 3 or 4 years away.....and DH swears she WILL not want to live with us, but....... I know her inside out, which she hates and knows she wants to do this..... I agree with Stepaside comments....... I'm done with being the bad cop in my marriage.....so DH can be the SuperHero....

Good luck

RB's picture

Sweetnothings, stay firm with

Sweetnothings, stay firm with your SD21.

I let SD (29) move back into the house a few years ago, supposedly until she got back on her feet, and she didn't move out for 2-years and in the meantime made everyone's lives a living hell. The girl was in college for part of the time and then she became an RN for Pete's sake and still wouldn't help with a thing around the house, wouldn't help with any of the bills, nothing. She just took up space and used my DH and I for a babysitter on the weekends when she had her daughter. It was aweful. She was trying to run the entire household. I finally got to the point where I was working two jobs just so I didn't have to be at home, and on my days off I would take my kids and leave from dawn to dusk because SD (29) was so aweful to be around. I finally told my DH that I was going to file for divorce and it wasn't going to go as well as his last divorce did. He was pretty unhappy with me for a while, but then, eventually, he managed to get her and SD (23) to move out. I'm pretty sure I footed the bill for first and last deposit and probably more on their apartment, but at least they were out of my house.

Whateva's picture

Don't Allow it!

Don't Allow it!

—

I don't live in your village, raise your own damn kids!

RB's picture

So far, DH has told her "No".

So far, DH has told her "No". I'm not sure exactly how he is saying no, but I know that she isn't living at my house.

To top things off SD (23) couldn't go back to the house she was living in with her sister, SD (25) because SD (25) changed the locks on the house. So now SD (23) can't even get into the place and get her stuff. Then SD (27) got involved and stirred the pot, so now all three sisters are in a war with each other. I wonder how long it will take until SS (29) gets involved and really gets them all going? It is great when they are having a war amongst themselves. They need to leave DH and me out of it!

SD (23) is staying with friends at the moment. She has had it with her BM as well. For the time being, anyhow.

The only thing about all of their fighting and arguing is that the SK's still run to their dad to fix everything for them and it has to stop. I think the man should try to disengage himself from their problems and let them live their lives so they can grow up! I can clearly see that it causes my DH a lot of stress.

RB's picture

Maux, I have one SD (25) whom

Maux, I have one SD (25) whom my husband has came down on and she doesn't back off. It is because he spoiled her rotten when she was little. Now he has a disaster and, the way I look at it, she is a disaster now for anyone she meets up with. Give her an inch and she truly take 100 miles! If she starts being nice for some reason then that means she is up to something. I don't trust her for a second.