Step Talk

You may never know for sure if BM has any disorder, BPD or otherwise.

I am ABSOLUTELY convinced that my skids BM is a Sociopath... I've researched and read up on the topic and EVERYTHING matches up perfectly... sure would explain a lot too.

I'd bet the farm that if she were tested it would prove true that she is a big huge sociopath.

Unfortunately, you can't really get a court order to have someone psychologically tested based on a hunch....

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda

we may never know. I've been doing research as well and can't decide between Borderline Personality Disorder and the scarier fact the BM may be a Sociopath. Of course, she'll never admit she needs help and see a professional so we'll never know.

I agree totally...........
Try dealing with someone who has been diagnosed as a bi-polar, sociopath,pathological lier!! She has been to six shrinks and one wanted to admit her to the local mental institution, she refused. All her shrinks said the same thing, and when they diagnosed her she never went back and just changed shrinks. Now she is living in the middle of nowhere with my skids, and she's nuts!!!! Makes me wonder what REALLY goes on out there.

Hey,

I'm fortunate to know that the BM I'm dealing with is bipolar/borderline personality disorder and my BF has custody. Yet, OBVIOUSLY, not fortunate to have that craziness in our lives. One biggie that's a real problem, and you may have experienced it too, is their "disortion campaigns' they go. They spread stories of abuse and injustice and God know what else, to anyone who will listen. It's tough to deal with this stuff. I've read the books, "Quit Walking on Eggshells," etc. And now a shrink friend of mine suggested I read "People of the Lie" by Peck. I like it because it associates the illness more to being evil. I like it because that's how it feels. It feels evil to be attacked. It feels like evil to hear the things she tells the kids (dad abused them) and watch them try to make sense of this. It feels like evil when she controls and manipulates these youngs minds by holding them hostage with her rages and tears. So while I understand it's an illness, I don't feel compassion for someone who doesn't take their meds and causes such pain to all of us. I wish us all good coping skills.

When it was clear the judge would order a psych eval. We had asked for one in our initial paperwork, but it took several pretrails (8 months or so) before an actual court date was set. The week before the trial date, the GAL report came out stating several red flags, most of which came as direct quotes from SD's psychologist regarding BM's mental abilities in regard to relationships. This is the only shrink who will ever get to meet BM, because BM is terrified of psychologists and belittle SD for going and made fun of us to SD for going (she insists to this day we are in marital counseling, even though we are going to a CHILD psychologist!

BM only went there twice because the GAL kept stating the importance of BM getting involved in SD's counseling. In those few visits, BM displayed classic signs of Paranoid Personality Disorder. One of the skewed things she told the Dr was that DH was suing for custody because he hadn't moved on, wasn't happy with me, and wanted her back. She is convinced that drama and fighting equal love for some reason. The Dr tried to reassure her that she had been meeting with us and SD for over a year and told her, "I've been doing this for over 25 years, and I'm a pretty good judge of relationships. They are very happy and communicate very well with each other."

I'm sure that fumed BM. I think the disorder is also why she chooses to "forget" my existence. She and SD both are very good at spinning a story so much they finally believe the warped version. The Dr tried to tell her that if DH was so intimidating to her (her version) that many parents go through the SP. The Dr said of course she would have to ask me, but she was pretty sure I would be open to being the one they went through. BM balked heavily. The Dr asked her if we had any negative interactions thus far. She admitted that I had always been polite to her on the phone. But she wouldn't agree to discussing things through me. The Dr and I kind of laughed about it. I told her, "Well...once again...if she talked to me then I would exist. And the thought of my mere existence sets her head just spinning."

Oh- yes. SD has emerging PD disorder as well. The Dr. just diagnosed her the past few months. We were not surprised, and it was kind of a relief so that we know for sure we have to handle SD's behaviors differently. PD people do not handle directness about their behavior at all. Even gentle correction is taken as hostile criticism. Sometimes even NOT correcting or criticizing is taken hostilely and defensively. You are dead on with the black and white thinking. DH tried to deal with this for 15 years before he gave up. Now it's so hard on him b/c SD is displaying the same behavior (distrust, lying, making up things, manipulating friends and losing relationships, getting into trouble, and claiming we are disloyal to her, etc etc etc. It sets him off. Because I don't have the history with BM I can more easily handle things at times. I don't have years of being baited like this so I simply don't take the bait.

So that's our story. I keep saying I'm going to do a whole post on it, but it would probably be a whole book instead!

Peace, love, and red wine

Yes yes yes...

Both BM and SD do this. BM changes jobs, moves (three times in three years since I've been around. DH was in the military and they were asked to leave post over BM before.)She also goes back and forth between two men and the only friends she has are work associates, who she only hangs out with occasionally for parties. She also has cut ties with any family members who still associate with DH and told her own sister that SHE (sister) had a mental problem if she (sister) thought she should stay friends with DH. BM had a list of instructions for the amount of interaction she would allow her sister to have (ie if they wanted to see SD they needed to call her even though SD was here every weekend, and that only her sister daughters could babysit at our house etc.) That sister, and her husband and kids are not speaking with BM over it. BM also has been stringing along a BF and an Exfiance the whole time she's been divorced. SD is instructed not to tell each guy when BM sees the other.

It's crazy. But at least we know it's really crazy and we're not just biased. But as SD's Dr says, at least BM is able to continue to get jobs so she is somewhat functional. Hopefully this means SD should be too.

Peace, love, and red wine

We could have erased a few years of misery from "psycho BM" if only DH had not chosen the easy way out. Granted it would have cost us $$$ but back in '02 BM and DH were court ordered for physchological examinations because she took us to court twice in two months and charged us with "abusing" the SK's but were found innocent both times. Once the appointments were finally scheduled, BM FREAKED OUT!!!!! and called DH and said she would drop all court proceedings if she didn't have to go to phsychological evaluation......well, DH agreed and BM has acted even "crazier" ever since. I don't know how many times lately that he's said that he wishes he hadn't let her off so easy...
Anyway, we'll be walkin' on eggshells again this weekend...SK's coming. =(

BM was diagnosed as having BPD by two doctors. She was put on medication while married to my husband. To this day she will deny to her new boyfriend/husband/best-friend's ex husband that she never had this disorder. Bulls**t. She told my DH after they separated that she has 'a special world with all kinds of characters in it & she spends a lot of time there' - sounds like she disassociates as well. I'm an RN and have worked in the psychiatric field for over 2 years before I changed disciplines & she fits the bill completely. She doesn't take her medication anymore & told both doctors they were crazy! Mind you she also has hypothyroidism which can cause some crazy behaviour as well - she double-doses on her meds for that though, stating they give her more energy....that can KILL her if she goes into hyperthyroid crisis but hey I'm not stopping her

When she gets caught in a lie or is upset about something her eyes will (literally I'm not exaggerating) go in opposite directions. She also is most definately a narcissist, has no empathy whatsoever towards anyone (but herself - she is very capable of crying for herself). She will do anything that benefits her, even if it means hurting the skids. What she doesn't know is that all of her selfishness & lies will impact her relationship with the skids as they get older & start learning the truth about her & what she did to their family.

This used to get me very upset & angry that such a woman would be permitted to do anything with the kids let alone bother MY husband for anything! But not anymore. I feel sorry for her, I truly do. She is so messed up in the head, but I should say that she manages to 'look stable' most of the time. She is very very good at hiding what's going on in her 'world' and to outsiders looks very stable. But my DH told me she is anything but stable & has always been off her rocker even when they were married. He didn't want to marry her & was pretty much tricked into having the second child (who's father remains a mystery but that's another story). Her new husband is a serial cheater & a liar and was my DH's friend. Regardless of that, he is not insane, but she is. It will only be a matter of time before he realizes this, unless he already has. Word on the street is that he married her just to get 50% of her assets after the papers were signed, the house, etc. I have no doubt in my mind that he will leave her...not now but sometime down the road when he's annoyed with her & finds a better model. I just hope that he doesn't do it in such a way that the skids are emotionally harmed.....

Feel sorry for the BM's that have 'issues' such as BPD, narcissism, etc...because in the end it always comes back to bite them. Their so-called 'victims' (meaning your DH's, the skids, you) usually have moved on past their attempts at victimization and when their world blows up it is a bit of a shock...and proof karma does exist.

~ Remember it's your life too ~

I really believe that my BM has this or a Paranoia Disorder. All the signs point to it! Why else would she want to jump me for saying , "Hi"! I wish I knew a way to get her diagnosed. She has beeen this way for 11 years, but the verbal and physical attacks have increased!

I thought I was imagining that the BM would scowl at me and do wierd things when I would run into her without anyone around....but guess what? I have a twin, and my dear sister confirmed that yes...that was happening!

I met my husband three years ago when he was going thru a very bloody divorce. We've been married for two years now. He has five children. My teenage SS lives with us along with my teenage daughter. My teenage SD lives with the ex. His ex has not been formally diagnosed with BP, however a therapist has said she shows all the symptoms. This woman has spent pretty much the majority of her life manipulating, maligning, and making up outright lies about my husband. The children seem to be nothing but tools for her to use to hurt him. And my SD plays her BM's games with relish, making up her own lies about her father -- claiming he's abusive and an alcoholic -- when my husband (her father) is one of the most respectable, admirable men I've ever known. The thing that bothers me the most about my situation is that the ex lies ALL the time -- all five of her kids know this, but every time she comes up with another one they believe her. Her newest strategy is to tell them that my husband and I are millionaires and refuse to share our money with them by buying them cars and paying for college tuitions. They believe what she tells them about us. It's as if they are looking for excuses to hate us.
You know, we all have our dysfunctions, and I grew up in a pretty normal dysfunctional family, but I have to say that this woman and her children are like Martians to me. I never knew that hateful, evil people like this existed anywhere but in the movies. The only one of them who’ll give us the benefit of the doubt is my SS who lives with us, and he is being torn in two. When he visits her, she spends their time together talking trash about my husband to the point that my SS is constantly forced to defend his father. I worry about my SS and his mental health through all of this. Since I’ve known him he’s displayed rocking motions -- a sure sign of anxiety. I wish my SS would just tell his BM that he doesn't want to see her, but his siblings are living in the town where she lives and he wants to stay connected to them.
How can a woman care so little about her own children? She actually accused my SD of being responsible for her divorce because my SD (14 at the time) didn't give her good enough marriage advice. And yet my SD has chosen to live with her BM and believes the crap she makes up about us.

Now, this woman can turn her behavior on and off like a switch. Which means she can control herself if she has to. She simply chooses not to. Which means she's evil. Not sick. Evil. 'Nuff said.

While I am not trying to minimize other mental illnesses, I feel, at times, that Borderline Personality Disorder is truly one of the most difficult to cope with from a "sane" perspective. My husband's ex-wife has literally handed this awful legacy down to her fifteen-year-old daughter. She has filled that poor kid's head so full of lies about her father and me that the relationship is permanently damaged. SD no longer wants to come to our house, and to be honest, her manipulative, hateful behavior leaves me feeling relieved that she won't be around. I know how terrible that sounds, but we have both reached a point where we refuse to be abused and taken for granted. Treatment for BM will NEVER be an option, because it's the rest of the world that is crazy, not her. Treatment for SD is in the same category--after all, how can you help a child who so staunchly believes that we are the cause of all of her problems? Right now, my husband and I are in a state of shock and disbelief because the daughter has obviously felt this way for a long, long time, but managed to keep up a loving facade when it benefitted her in some way. In other words, her intermittent visits were not about sustaining a truly loving relationship with us--she acted like we were special to her, but in reality (and we just found this out), we were the suckers who were being villified behind our backs. I used to think that there was a measure of hope in that my husband and his daughter (and eventually myself) would be able to overcome this..but not anymore. Like he said, she told him her true feelings, and he (well, we) feel used, manipulated, and lied to. We feel we do not have any other choice but to go into "self-protection mode". We absolutely do not trust this child anymore. I am sure the hurt and anger we feel right now is going to give way to sadness at some point. Naturally, there were good times. It hurts to have these memories tainted by the fact that we will probably never know which moments were genuine. In my opinion, Borderline Personality Disorder needs to be classified as a fatal disease--one that kills relationships, families, and spirits. Those that have this disorder and do nothing about it, to me, are murderers.