CanAnyoneHelp's picture

I can't stomach my stepson - and he's not a bad kid.

I've been reading the stories of folks who don't like their stepson because he's trouble. I can't stomach mine, and he's not a bad kid.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. It's so bad that I've considered leaving my husband, taking my two teenage sons and moving back in with my ex - who I have no desire to reunite with.

It's a long story. When my husband and I started dating, I did my best to help his son who was in a desparate school/living situation and his mom wanted help. My stepson was sneaky and lied to his mother about me "trying to be his mother". I wasn't.

About a year into our marriage, I wrote BM a letter because she continued to try to run our lives when her son was with us... changing the schedules when she felt like it, and telling my husband where he could and couldn't go, and what he could and couldn't do with his 13 year old son. My husband would get really upset with her, but, not confront her. I would have to deal with his griping. Anyway, one day she went too far, and I told her I couldn't live with her running my life, and that she should let her ex have some freedom with his son while he was with us. My husband's mother told me that BM would be really mad. She had been running the show for years and no one had stood up to her.

BM announced that I was no longer welcome in her home (she was dating another member of my husband's family at the time). I thought - how does she think she can get away with this? My husband said to me, "I told you what she was like."

Two years went by, and my husband continued to interact with her - dropping off and picking up his son. I was not invited anywhere. I continued to treat her son kindly when he was at our place. I started to feel repulsed everytime I saw the boy. After two and a half years, I realized I couldn't take it any more. I talked to my mother-in-law... told her that this would never happen in my family... and told my husband that he wasn't standing up for me.

BM apologized, but I can't seem to get rid of this feeling toward the kid. I don't trust him, and I don't care to be around him. He moved in with us for a few months a couple years ago and I almost moved out.

I hardly see him any more... my husband spends a day with him about twice a month. I don't want him in my home.

It is creating tension between my husband and I. He says he wants us to be a family. He says he loves me, and I will always come first... but, I'm afraid he'll hate me for not liking his son...someday.

How can I get feelings for this boy? Especially when I don't want to?


Colorado Girl's picture

Why can't you stand him then?

Because he is an extension of BM? I don't understand really why you have so much animosity toward him if he isn't as you said, "a bad kid"?

It sort of sounds that you are laying the blame on the child instead of where it belongs....with the BM (and maybe even your husband). I do that sometimes, skids are an indirect cause of so much anguish in my life. And when things get really bad, I do the same thing I separate myself from my skids because they are a daily reminder of all that's going wrong in my life. But then I gather myself up and realize that none of it is their fault. The BM is who is causing all the rifts not them.

I think you are directing your anger where it doesn't belong. Your mad that you were alienated from the situation and now you're being asked to be the bigger person and forgive all that was done to you. The BM and your husband are the ones who took you out of the equation, not your stepson. I think if you would allow yourself to maybe get to know the stepson before you make your "assesment" of him, you would feel better.

Good luck.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

CanAnyoneHelp's picture

Thanks for responding.

I think I may be doing that - just as you said. I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with it. I'm normally a very loving and forgiving person. I don't know why I feel so "grossed out" around him. I don't want to sit in a chair if he sat there. I don't want to touch the water pitcher in the fridge if he's touched it. I feel like it's a physical repulsion, and I'm totally repulsed by him, physically.
In addition, he smells at times. In fact, so much so that I can smell where he has been in the house. One day, I came home, after he was there alone... and went to my bedroom, only to smell him there. He's sneaky and I don't trust him, but, I know that as far as step children problems go, he's really not bad. It's my repulsion I'm trying to contain.

Colorado Girl's picture

Maybe...

try to do something productive and fun with him - just the two of you without any outside influence. Like bowling or putt putt. I just couldn't fathom if my husband was "repulsed" by one of my children, that would really hurt my feelings as a mom. I have "stinky" kid myself. He's only 11 but pueeey - daily showers are a must. I bought him some "grown up" deoderant and some of that adidas sport's cologne (not too strong) and gave it to him for Christmas. He doesn't want to stink as much as I don't want hm to.

I would try to pinpoint these "peeves" that really get to you and aleviate them. If your husband needs to be the go between, than so be it. I would hope that he is open minded enough. Especially if you really want to put forth the effort and realize that your SS IS just a kid and it would make your life all that much better if you could find some good in him. Smiling

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

CanAnyoneHelp's picture

The thought of that makes me sick.

The thought of spending any time with him... even touching him, makes me sick. I have never felt this about anyone. I don't think it's anything he has done, or even the fact that he smells. (If it were any other kid - I would just take them under my wing - clean them up and love them.) I think it's internal... something I see in his eyes... or maybe just who he is. I used to teach kids and never ever felt this toward any of my students... only compassion and love. Something in me just doesn't want to even be near him. I know I never want to have a child with my husband, because it would be this kid's sibling. I know this is really horrible.

guilty-maybeornot's picture

I know the absolute feeling

I know the absolute feeling of this. I have this swith my 16 year old SS. If he touches a potato chip bag. I throw it away, before I would eat out of it. I bleach his towels and would never consider letting anyone else use them. He grosses me out. I can not say anything to him on correcting him, it has to go through my husband. I do not even talk to him now. It is so bad that I am resenting my husband now. I am ready to leave now because I feel like I do not have control of my own home. I am a a gueat in my own home.

kathleen's picture

I suggest the counseling card

I am a huge fan of counseling. It doesn't solve things overnight. There isn't a pill for that. But, I think our minds get trained to think and feel certain ways. You've been having issues for several years now and I think you have developed a reaction and a response that you need to retrain you mind out of. You can write in a journal fast and furious, to vent, everything, for a while and then try to write away your feelings if you don't want counseling but I would actually suggest both. My two cents for all their worth.

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau

CanAnyoneHelp's picture

Counseling

Thank you for your response. I've been to counseling before... but, I probably need to try someone else or maybe hypnosis. One counselor got angry with me, the other just didn't seem to get the fact that it doesn't really have anything to do with correcting his behavior. The kids makes me nautious. Literally. I don't know what I would do if my husband felt this way about my kids. I don't think I could stay with him. My husband doesn't know the extent of my repulsion to his son. I'm hoping I can deal with this and spare his feelings, but, it seems to be getting worse. I'm afraid that one day I'll just walk out because I'll associate my husband with the kid and he'll start to repulse me, too. That's my greatest fear. My husband is an absolute gem, and sometimes I think that it's the universe's way of balancing things out.

chantal's picture

I understand where you are

I understand where you are coming from somewhat. For me, I would say it's because I have been mistreated by SD-13 in particular, for so long, that makes me dislike them. I am a hard person to get to know, and I don't befriend others easily. But, once I do, your in for life. If you cross me, your out....period, no second chances.

laurels4u's picture

cananyonehelp.....

I feel the same way about my DH's son although my DH misrepresented his son to me while we were dating and I never had the chance to get to know him until after DH and I married.

I do not like being alone with DH's son because I'm afraid he's going to make up more lies about me to tell his friends or other family members. He recently told one of my daughter's friends that I'm an alcoholic, which is absolutely untrue and detrimental to my career as a teacher. He thought it was funny.

DH's son has thrown both of us under the bus so to speak to BM and grandparents to the point that my husband is now estranged from his parents because of his own son. DH and the EW will never be able to carry on a civil conversation be/c of the lies he spreads between the two households. He connives behind DH's back with the GPs and tells them that DH won't let him do anything yet we've asked him repeatedly to get involved in school sports/activites but he refuses. He expects DH to shell out thousands for him to join a private boxing club instead. He tells BM and GPs that DH refuses to buy him clothing or food, which is preposterous. He doesn't want to clothes shop at Walmart like the rest of us. He feels he deserves Abercrombie, Hollister, etc. but yet the rest of us are wearing the newest Rollback priced attire. I do the grocery shopping at discount warehouses and do not buy brandname items which he doesn't like. He's all about the expensive brands and claims that the generics don't taste the same. I guess his palate must be more educated than the rest of us in our house be/c none of us can tell the difference between Dr. Pepper and Dr. Dazzle or Mt. Dew and Citro Zip. Go figure.

He has flat out told my DH he doesn't feel like or want to do anything. He lives with us FT and is expected to do minimal chores, complete homework, and act like a productive human being. His report card is Ds/Fs and he gets a free ride at the private school in which I teach.

He lies and manipulates to get his way with my DH and it hurts my feelings for my husband because every time the boy says something like he's going to live with his BM, it crushes DH. The boy is unable to see how terribly he hurts DH and lacks remorse for the hurtful things he says/does to DH.

I too will never have a baby with DH. At first it was because DH's son doesn't want him to have any more children because he's so selfish and self-centered. Now, I share your same feelings that I never would want a sibling to that child.

I'm exhausted with the whole situation and in the short 17 months we've been married, I've lost more hair and gained more weight than I ever have due to the stress. Luckily, this weekend DH's son is g-o-n-e and I'm going to enjoy the weekend with my husband.

kathleen's picture

call me a bitch

You know what. I say let the kid go and live with his mom. At this point, the kid sounds really troubled. His grades are terrible, he's harming your career and he's ruining your marriage. Your DH's feelings are the least of your worries right now. Something needs to change and fast before this kid ends up in prison. Maybe calling his wolf and letting him go to his Mom's might be the best thing for him. Could save your marriage too.

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau

Chocoholic's picture

I agree with Kathleen....

Go ahead and call me a bitch too! I wish my son's dad and his sm would do the same thing.... Send my son my way full-time! I'll take him! They don't spend anytime with him anyway so why not? Let me take him off your hands.... work on your marriage and raise your own baby...
I'm the only one who works on the homework... I'm the one who enrolls in sports (which they fight the whole way through), I'm the one who cooks, cares for him and does not just sit him in front of video games for hours on end... I know that my son's dad loves him very much but he does not do what is in our son's best interest.... I know that the only reason he will not give me our son full-time is because he is scared that I will go after him for child support.... which is completely NOT TRUE! I would even pay him to give me our son full-time! Unfortunately, nothing is more important to my son's dad than money and outward apperances.... I care more about our son than who pays who or who is labled 'custodian' or whatever.... thats not what its about to me... its about the kids and doing what is best for the kids....

My son's sm does not care about my son what-so-ever and my son really does not care for her either. My understanding is that the only thing she and her dh fight over is my son and I.... (her jealously of me and the fact that she takes it out on my son).

laurels4u's picture

kathleen & chocoholic

We're all in agreement that the boy should go live with his BM, unfortunately, DH isn't because he doesn't believe it's in his son's best interest. Is it or not? I don't know because I don't know the BM other than what DH has told me about her and a few nonsense phone calls she's placed to my home directly to me. IMHO, this is all a sick game that is played between DH, the BM, and son to see who wins the son or who can manipulate or cause the most grief to whom. Up until this point in his life, DH's son has been able to call all the shots in his life, his dad's, mom's, and paternal grandparents' lives, so when he said he wanted to go live with his BM last summer, all of a sudden, he wasn't allowed to dictate that one. I even volunteered to get a part-time job (in addition to my FT job) to help with expenses if he did leave and BM filed for CS.

My marriage won't falter because of DH's son, but because of **DH's reluctance and denial to admit there are problems being caused by his own ignorance.**

chocoholic, just out of curiosity, why is your ex-husband's new wife jealous of you and why does she take it out on your son? Furthermore, what kind of contact do you have with her to have caused such jealousy on her part?

Chocoholic's picture

Response to Tookie

Why is ex's wife jealous? In short:
From the beginning she literally tried to push me out of my own child's life. She told my son that he HAD to refer to her as "mom" and HAD to refer to me by my first name. She would freak out and cause a scene if my son called me "mom" in her presence. To this day (10 years later) she still threatens to ground my son and take his things away if she hears him refer to me as "mom".
When my son was young she told him that I did not really give birth to him and when I showed him pictures of my pregnant belly with him inside she told him that I swallowed a ball (all of this when he was too young to understand any better).

My son's dad says she is jealous because I am pretty and because we have a past together. He told me that any girl he even briefly dated in the past is not allowed to have ANY contact with him because of her insane jealously. He told me that she is crazy when it comes to women he has slept with in the past.... I told him that I am friends with a lot of my dh's ex girlfriends and he said that Jennifer would never allow him to be friends with any woman from his past because she wants to believe that he never had any relationships before her, and being that we have a child together, she cannot deny that we slept together and it drives her crazy.... She wanted to push me out of my own child's life so that she could slip back into denial that her dh has a past... when that didn't work she started trying to get orders against me (by lying of course) when that didn't work she filed false CPS reports (and was later caught by the court).... when that didn't work she started trying to turn my own son against me and tried convincing him that she was his "real mom", when that didn't work she began acting viciously toward my son.
In this case the sm acts like the BB!
My son's dad told me that she flips out even if he goes to the local coffee stand because pretty girls work there.
Why is she jealous? Because she chooses to live in a selfmade hell, a jealously fuled, insecure, vicious, miserable existance.

By the way, if you read my posts you will see that my daughter (from another dad) has a wonderful stepmom whom I am very grateful for. My point in saying this is that the one problem in all of this is Jennifer. My dh and I get along with my son's dad and we are very good friends with my daughter's dad and his wife... my son's dad says that he wishes that were the case with us, but Jennifer will never allow that to happen. In reading my posts you will also see that Jennifer has stalked and harassed me on this site. I have learned that Jennifer is not a normal, functioning person and I can't change that. I wish I could so that everyone could get along and live their lives, but it won't happen. Jennifer is far too comfortable living in pure dysfunction.

Shopaholic's picture

I am with tookie...

Yeah, I just do not understand how a SM can be jealous of a BM. I mean a SM gets to see the child and has the DH, sorry but just doesn't make sense to me.

laurels4u's picture

Wow, chocoholic!

I also have a daughter and I am nowhere near jealous of her SM nor do I interfere in my daughter's relationship with the SM. My DD appears to like the SM. Early on, her dad did try to pull the calling her "mom" deal but I put a quick end to it. It did hurt at the time especially since the SM assaulted me from behind in my daughter's presence, she was only 3 years old at the time. I haven't forgiven nor have I forgotten but I don't insinuate myself into their lives and have a hard time understanding how some people, such as my DH's ex or the woman you describe, seem to think they have the God given right to still control an ex's life. I just don't get it.

My DH's ex sounds very similar to what you go through with Jennifer, however, much of what I know is second hand from my husband. I don't think the ex is jealous of me but I do think she's jealous of the fact that we married. I don't think she expected that to happen as she kicked my DH out after 7 years of marriage thinking no one else would ever want him/love him, but surprise, suprise, surpise! She also chooses to live a dysfunctional life being insecure, malicious, unproductive, and vindictive.

Anonymous's picture

Yep, shes jealous....

I've read chocoholic's previous posts and watched while Jennifer came on this site to harass her and I think I know which name Jennifer is now posting under. This is a truly sick person and there is no way to make sense as to why this 'lady' (using the term loosly) acts the way she does. I think it is clear that she she is jealous and insecure whether or not she has reason to be. Jennifer does not sound like the typical sm and instead acts like the crazy bms that a lot of us here deal with.