When I got married (3 years ago), we decided that he would pay for the wedding and I would pay for the honeymoon. Well, he came up short $500.00 & I pitched in the rest. I found out a year later (yes, I've been stewing for two years) that he gave his daughter, who barely graduated from an "alternative" high school $500.00 for brand new car (to help with the down payment). I would have postponed the wedding so that he would have gotten his affairs in order without making me a pawn. I feel like I paid for his daughter's down payment. I am hurt and angry. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
He lives with me in my home. He recently has pitched in more financially, but that first year he gave me very little (by just covering his own expenses).
The lie of omission is killing me.
I've been married 3 years
I've been married 3 years too this January. Is it the lie or is it that you don't think he is pulling his weight enough in the marriage...if it is the lie i say let it go b/c i'm sure there are plenty "reasons" he would give for doing this and what's done is done. But if it is the finances that really bother you, i would find the time to address it w/o brining up the daughter's car, in a constructive way with "solutions" in mind...
Us newly weds gotta pick our battles wisely, that is what i'm learning in my own marriage anyway...I've actually asked myself "do i wanna bring up XYZ and creat the tension that i know will come or can i deal with my feeligs on this on my own (ususally it is a fleeting emotion that will go away when my mind "corrects" itself...) and enjoy my husband?
Make a GREAT Day!
flipping anothers bill
Well I know just how you feel, my husband can't afford to go out to dinner , because he uses his $ for lunches out when he is at work , because everyone else goes out to lunch he has to, not to mention that if I buy him dinner once a week and his daughter dinner or lunch everyother week, I am indirectly paying his child support. We split all the house and family bills 50/50 but he wastes his $$ on lunch with the guys, and if he took the time to have his childsupport lowered ( he is still paying the amount awarded when the child was 4 and was in a private preeschool that was 800 a month) Not to mention that he never buys my son dinner and I rarely get child support coming in for my son. I feel like indirectly I am paying his bills or supporting his lifestyle just because I want to go out to dinner with my husband And like you said should you have pushed off the wedding until he had the $$ that would not make you happy Just be smart; people will take advantage of others especially when it comes to $$ He should be paying 50 / 50 also even if it is your house.~B~
I feel for you
My BF, when he first moved in a little over 3 years ago, paid NOTHING to me for about 6 months while having his ENTIRE PAYCHECK w/ lots of OT deposited directly into the STBX BM's checking account. This was b/c he was afraid the little corn fed porkers (3 skids) would go without if BM didn't have his entire salary PLUS BM made BF feel completely guilty and that (i kid you not) BF OWED his ENTIRE SALARY for the REST OF HIS LIFE to BM even though they were separated and about to get divorced (although BM did an 18 month foot dragging process on this and went against the completely pro-BM mediation agreement) After all, why divorce the cow when the "milk" $$$$ keeps pouring in?
We could get a reduction, too, because at the time, BM was a SAHM but has a bachelor's degree (BF has a GED) and could have easily worked, so we were paying at a rate for her to be a SAHM and still are. She fudges the child care amounts and has the oldest babysit the middle child (mentally young 10 yr old SS watching a very pushy, physically aggressive and bratty 8 yr old spoiled SD princess)
But BF doesn't want to go through that process even though BM is actually a CPS worker and has retaliated and abused her power by calling us in for unfounded claims. He's also let her claim two children on the taxes since '05 (there are three)
So I feel your pain as I was a single mom once with two kids and NO child support. This woman keeps wanting more MORE MORE !!!
I hear ya Crayon, sounds like me.
As far as the BM wanting more, and with us, nothing is EVER enough.
As for the finances: When we got married, we opened a joint checking, and I was the one taking care of the finances (since finances kind of scared him, he was more then happy to let me do that.) He gave me his first check (just before the autodeposit kicked in) and told me to just give him his allowance.
Told me that's what the ex did. I said, well I'm not the ex. All he needed to do what just let me know what he was taking out, and I would let him know what was in there to take out! This way we are constantly talking to each other about it and we both know what the money situation is.
It was hard when we first started living together, our bills were seperate, but I felt like he needed to contribute to the living expenses. My bad for not telling him and letting it build up to an eventual argument. Oops. Live and learn.
Yeah, I think I would be angry to find out that I was giving $500 that I later found out was because he gave $500 for SD's car. It's different if he discussed it with you first. He may have had his reasons. Finances are a tough topic. Maybe he feels he is giving enough? Maybe you could try splitting some mutual bills? (you pay for electric, I'll pay for cable?) I know some couples that do that. Seems to work for them.
'That is how we do things now
After the huge whopping amount of tax free alimony goes out (a.k.a. CS) if there's anything left, it goes into BF's account that I set up for him. We use that account for small ticket items, eating out once in a while, or some bills that come in. My salary goes to major bills such as mortgage, credit card bills, insurance. I keep tabs on both accounts incoming and outgoing. so far it's worked out pretty well, especially since he's stopped over spending on skids when he was in his guilty disneyland dad phase.
oddly enough, now BM is taking over the role of disneyland BM since we've laid down some ground rules. I knew that was coming!!! Trying to buy the skids love. OY!
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