CANTSEEMTOGETIT's picture

Any stepmom's out there with no bio children

Any stepmom's out there that have no bio children of their own? My husband and I are going through fertility treatments now and I am wondering if I will feel less resentment towards him and SD10 if I have my own child. We have disagreed in a few areas of discilpline. SD10 is a pretty good kid and there has been little to discipline. However, I am trying to get him to see that if he lets her get away with the small things that bigger things will follow. Anybody agree? Disagree?
I will be 39 in June and my clock is ticking...what to do?

herewegoagain's picture

In my experience the

In my experience the resentment will grow. I have seen that things princess got away with, our bio didn't...and when i complained over the difference, he didn't begin to discipline our bio, he treated him just like princess! It's not that when he disciplined bio I thought he was wrong, it was that there was a huge difference & not fair to bio (7yr age difference but he expected more from him than her), for him to be disciplined and not her. If I could do it all again, I would have left him w/princess now s#>

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CANTSEEMTOGETIT's picture

That's what I was thinking

That's what I was thinking would happen. I almost want him to get me pregnant and move far away! Not sure being a single parent would be best either.
My husband is "trying" to do better and I have seen a little improvement. However, I am still resentful! I just want things to be better!! I wanna be happy more than half of the time! I'm sure you can relate! It seems as if everyone on here is going through very similar situations. I also often wonder that if I just stop caring about SD10's future and discipline, etc... would it be better? Soooo many unknowns!!
Thanks for the comment

herewegoagain's picture

Yes, if you stop caring it

Yes, if you stop caring it will be better...the problem is that when you do that, you will be better...and odds are, she'll do even worse...and when she is worse, you'll still have to put up with it...best thing to do is disengage...and some can actually do that 100%...I have not been able to after 12yrs...because every nightmare that kid creates impacts my household drastically...

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CANTSEEMTOGETIT's picture

I agree! I know I will be

I agree! I know I will be better if I stop caring but my heart tells me I'm wrong and I need to get over it! But at what point do I start to worry about my own well being over theirs? I have always had trouble sleeping but since I got married in November I am now taking xanax and ambien!! I don't like to take meds at all!! Cop for 8 years and now a nurse for 5!! WTH?????

Joanne-ESM's picture

Having a child of your own

Having a child of your own won't reduce the resentment,if anything I believe it will grow. I am 45 with no children of my own. Do you feel your life is empty without a childof your own? At 39, do you want to be raising a child forthe next 20 years? Whatis your retirement dreams? When you first married your husband what were you seeing as your future? I have a ss(15) and sd(9). I totally disagree how their mother raises them, she wants to be their BF and not their mother. My husband and I agree on parenting (with a few exceptions), I'm stricter than he is withregards to expectations of the children. I have given in on a lot of items with regards to SD(15). I give mytwo cents and give him scenarios and hope it soaks into his head. My sd(9) is a special needs child, who was adopted by my husband and his ex. We have full custody of the children. The SD(15)will be out of the house in some way in the next 3 years, we will have sd(9) for many, many years and I knew when I married my DH that would be the situation, but made it clear to him that in the next 5 years, I want to travel, be social and participate in life, not be stuck home watching kids. Look into your heart and think about what you really want and how that scenario can happen.

simifan's picture

DH & I had trouble conceiving

DH & I had trouble conceiving & it took 2 1/2 years to have BS with IUF. We did the pills, and the shots, etc. I have to say by the time we got to the pregnancy part, so many people & taken a peek at the goods so to speak, it wouldn't have fazed me if a herd of people walked through the room.

This is so hard & I agree even worse when your DH has a child from another relationship. Though I remember my anger being more towards why someone who so didn't want to be a parent could have a kid when I couldn't... young teen moms used to get to me too. I remember it far to vividly to not feel your pain.

Good news - science is amazing & we conceived. BS is now 9. And Yes, my resentments did fade as soon as I knew I was pregnant.

Remember too those treatments can make you wackier & more emotional then I ever was when I was pregnant. I burst into tears for little to no reason or more then one occasion.

I wish you all the best & a specialist & staff who were as great as mine were. If you need an ear to vent to that has been there, feel free.

Yes, I am the wicked, wicked Stepmother.

CANTSEEMTOGETIT's picture

Thanks ya'll! I definately

Thanks ya'll! I definately want a child of my own and do feel that the resentment will fade. (Hopefully anyway). I did feel really bad when I woke up today for ignoring her yesterday. I actually apologized to her bc I literally shut my door and told her to go find something to do.
Anyway, the fertility treatments will continue. I hope there is a positive result with Clomid. IVF is not an option bc of cost.

I have lived a really great life of doing what I want to do when I want to do it. This is either going to be helpful to me or harmful in regards to having my own child. I did not think I wanted any when I was younger so therefore never tried (been married before). However, for the past couple of years I have felt a great desire to be a mother. I wouldn't mind adopting but my husband wants to exert all options of having one on our own before that. Both he and I discussed from day 1 that I wanted a child and if he didn't want another one then we did not need to go further.
I feel better today about the whole situation. When I was walking out the door to go to work tonight he was rubbing on her head while standing in the kitchen telling me goodbye. This completely disgusted me! I'm sure it's normal but it just grosses me out!! I wanted to slap him! Even though she is his child, to me, he shouldn't be touching anybody but me like that. I confronted him with this and he said he was not aware that it bothered me and he will not do it in my presence again. I think this bothers me in particular bc when we started dating just over a year ago (SD was 9), they were still sleeping in the same bed together. I just DO NOT agree with this! I told him it bothered me and of course there was the whole thing of "she's fragile after the divorce". Yeah well after about 2 months of that crap I said either you sleep in your own damn bed or I'm out! That's just creepy and she's a big girl now and needs to sleep in her own bed. She has been sleeping alone since then. Sooooo, in some aspects by DH does acknowledge my concerns and we have come a long way. Looks like we have a lot further to go though!
Thanks everybody again for your input! It really is nice to have people to talk to!!
(And I'm at work and didn't proof read so if I am all over the place, sorry! LOL)

z3girl's picture

My resentment did fade once I

My resentment did fade once I got pregnant. I think there are a few factors. One is how badly do you want your own children? If it's all you can think about, then the joy of having your own child will help. Also, the age of your skid makes a difference. My SD is 19 and in college, so I don't have to deal with day-to-day discipline and general drama. It makes me kind of glad I couldn't conceive while SD was still in high school.

I went through years of infertility tests and treatments and I did seem to resent DH more and more the longer it went on and the less likely it seemed that we would have a child together. It hurt like hell that he had a child with a woman he claimed he never loved.

This is just me, but I honestly don't care how DH raised SD anymore. I don't care if he forgives her all the crap she does. I don't like her, and I've given up caring. Thankfully she's not in our lives enough to bother me. Unfortunately everytime she does make an appearance, there's guaranteed ugly drama, but the once or twice a year I'll overlook. I know that I will raise my son (due in 2 weeks!!) how I want him raised, and he won't end up anything like SD. I can finally get past my resentment of DH and concentrate on what I want most in life. Sure it's not ideal (older man with previously enjoyed family) but I will not take for granted how badly I wanted this child and be grateful I got the chance. Infertility is the greatest hell on earth and I don't wish it on anyone!

CANTSEEMTOGETIT's picture

I would be a very happy woman

I would be a very happy woman if I only had to look at/deal with his brat twice a year......this every other week bullshit is working my nerves!!! I have often thought about letting him get me pregnant and then moving out of town/the country!! Is that wrong?

Karli's picture

I'm going through the same

I'm going through the same thing right now. Wanting a child of my own so badly. My DH tells me that he doesn't want me to get pregnant right now b/c he is not sure about our relationship being so unstable at times. We have huge arguements over the same thing over and over- Ex Wife and the Skids. I told him that I think it would help me to understand a little better what being a parent was all aobut and maybe relate a little more to him and his kids if I also had a child with him. My husband just turned 40 and I am about to be 29 I want us to have a child before my DH is against it b/c of his age and woman in my family don't have their ovaries long into their 30's. We are always back and forth on it and the other night we were having a argument about the skids as usual and he said to me I can't wait until you have a kid of your own one day........ That is the ultimate when they throw it in your face but won't let you have one all at the same time!

CANTSEEMTOGETIT's picture

I can't imagine going through

I can't imagine going through that! My husband and I have been trying to conceive since before we were married....bc of my age mostly. I would leave his ass in a heartbeat if he didn't want more kids. We even went for a semen analysis the other day....and boy let me tell ya,,,,that was one of the weirdest experiences of my life!! Good luck on getting pregnant!!