nesaloera's picture

Why does my husband treat me like crap when SD is home?

Ok so as you all know I have been having some issues with my husband and his daughter dont get me wrong for the most part me and my SD get along pretty well. Although right know that is not the case, but my major issue is that my Husband seems to change his attitude towards me when SD is home. Its like he is very cold and distant when she is around and I cant seem to figure out why or how to deal with this. I feel if I bring it up to him he is going to tell me I am crazy and that its all in my head but I know its not I feel the difference every time she comes home and it makes me not want her there. And my husband gets so frustrated with our two year old son when he doesn't listen or does things wrong but his daughter is failing two classes and has a D in another class and that is A OK? Its just doesnt make sense to me he treats his daughter like she is a princess and treats us like crap when she is around. What do I do?

Tx mommy of 3's picture

My dh is the same way. He is

My dh is the same way. He is 'cool dad' when ss visits. Seriously, he tries to act more like ss13 big brother or fun uncle than a dad. We have 3 bios together so it gets really annoying to have an extra 'kid' around (meaning dh) during ss visits. I've told dh but he doesn't see it. My mom has told him how he is different so he has tried to pay attention more on how he acts. Have you told your dh how you feel? Maybe tell him that you dread visits because of how HE acts, not his kid. Then make yourself scarce during her visits. Make your own plans alone or with friends til he gets it.

nesaloera's picture

I have brought it to his

I have brought it to his attention before and he says im crazy that it isnt like that but it really is and it causes so many problems in our relationship. We have a two year old son and I know notice the change in how he acts with him as well and its one thing for me to indure it but I will be damned if my son is going to. He is only two so I know he doesnt get it but if it continues as he gets older I am sure he will see it and that will be very hurtful for him and that is not ok with me you know. I love his daughter and for the most part she is a good girl my issue is my husband and I dont know how to fix it. I have already began to start to seperate myself from them and its like there are two families living in one house and it shouldnt be that way and I dont know how to fix it and it scares me that it will in fact ruin my marriage

NewStepMother's picture

I feel the same way. Married

I feel the same way. Married for 7 months. I feel like we are getting to be two families under one roof. I blame my DH for letting it get this far.. for him not standing up to his daugther. SD is the way she is.. because her father ALLOWS her behavior. I dont understand it, never will. After 7 months, I already mentioned divorce to him. I would be much happier "dating" him.. having my own place.. and not have to deal with his poor parenting.

Freedom2005's picture

I have to agree with this

I have to agree with this one....!

"I would be much happier "dating" him.. having my own place.. and not have to deal with his poor parenting."

—

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Thumper's Dad (Bambi 1942)

StillSearching's picture

Well it sounds to me that he

Well it sounds to me that he is trying to be the "cool" dad like the above poster says. Maybe he is afraid that he will hurt his daughter by being affectionate towards you. Some dads will do anything to be kept on a peddle stool to their daughters even if that means changing his attitude around his wife. These are just my opinions but if it does bother you then maybe you could find a way to ask him in a non-threatening way. My BF has a 17 year old daughter and when there is something bothering me I keep my voice low and try not to make it seem like I am accusing him of anything about his parenting etc...Hope things get better for you!

NewStepMother's picture

my DH is the same way as

my DH is the same way as well. It's also become more apparent. He is NOT affection to me around his daughter. Even if he comes home with his daughter, he will just say "Hi". If SD isn't around.. He comes right up to me, kisses me .. hugs me.. loves me. it's so weird how there is a change when SD is around. I have brought this up many times. He becomes defensive, and other times he just says that SD gets jealous and he doesnt want to UPSET HER! amazing really... SHE IS CONTROLLING HIM!

i mean, it's not like I want to make out with my husband in front of her. Just treat me like a loved wife.. like you do when she isnt around.

we went out last weekend, all 4 of us.. DH, SD, my daughter and me. My husband didnt kiss me,.. hold my hand.. or sit by me at the basketball game we went to. SO WEIRD! IM SO OVER IT.

secondplace's picture

I found this a couple of

I found this a couple of years back, and a few of them really hit home. It kind of sums up how some of us feel when the skids are around. My FDH is way better now, as he actually listened to me when I brought this up.

1. Allow your child/children to have more of a say in household affairs than your wife. This method is so effective at turning your wife into an evil stepmother because you grant more power to your children than to your wife who is supposed to be your partner and equal. When you do this it will turn your children into your equal and your wife into the least valued member of the household.

An example of this would be if your wife has just finished decorating part of the living room and your child walks in and takes everything down and redocorates what your wife has just finished. It is effective if you pretend not see what your child has done, but it is far more effective if you yell at your wife for being upset. If you tell her that you only want your child to feel at home that will be a great way to tell your wife that you don't want HER to feel at home in her own home. You make her angry and resentful very quickly using this method.

Another example would be after spending a good amount of time planning a fun family outing for a Saturday with your wife, and after you tell your children about this outing and they say that they don't want to go that you go along with the kids. This communicates to your wife that your children rule the family and what she wants and plans means nothing to you. Keep pushing her down the totem pole and you are sure to have an evil stepmom in no time! There are many other ways to do this, we have only provided you with two examples.

2. Allow your children to disrespect her and make sure that they know that they don't have to do what she says. It is especially helpful if you can tell your wife that she knows nothing about disciplining children right in front of the children. Also helpful is if you argue with her and put her down in front of them. Some husbands find that it is beneficial to actually encourage the children to talk down to their wives.

When you do this, you ensure that the children will never listen to your wife and that she will be frustrated in almost no time. This will also give your children a tremendous sense of power, knowing that they can do whatever they want to this adult. This is also helpful for raising kids who disrepect their teachers and other adults. Remember, they look to you to see what they can get away with in how they treat your wife. If you don't treat her with respect and especially if you encourage them not to, they will really treat her bad and make her very resentful (one of the key engredients to making an evil stepmom).

3. Don't discipline your children, let them run wild and watch your wife go crazy. Not only is it fun to watch her go crazy, but it fulfills your plan of making her into an evil stepmom! Pretend not to notice their behavior and wait to see how long it takes your wife to do something about it. This way, you don't have to be the bad guy who is disciplining your children AND your children are getting disciplined! Isn't that the best of both worlds?

It is even more helpful to hug and pamper the children, telling them how sorry you are that your mean wife disciplined them. Be sure that they know that your wife was out of line and mean. A very effective way to do this is to yell at your wife in front of the kids for the way that she disciplined them. This will frustrate your wife and make her discipline your kids even harsher the next time that they act up, making her look even worse. Which, of course, makes you look like more of a good guy! Your wife will resent you and your children but at least your kids are getting the discipline that you know they need and you come out looking like their hero.

4. Ignore your wife when your children are with you...or at least don't give her any kind of physical affection or attention. You wouldn't want to make your children jealous or show them that you love your wife. It is especially effective if you tell your wife point-blank that you are not going to give her any affection while your children are with you, that does a great job of making her mad and resentful. Some husbands find that they can turn their wives into evil stepmothers even quicker if they expect their wives to be affectionate with your children during this same time that you are denying her affection. Nothing like a good double standard to make her feel unimportant and unloved.

5. Expect your wife to love your children just as much as you do. Even though she has not had the time to bond with them that you have had. Demand that she tell them that she loves them and give them hugs and kisses. Certainly don't let them to forge a bond and a relationship on their own terms and in a timeframe that feels comfortable for your kids and your wife. If you force her to love them that will make her uncomfortable and awkward not to mention resentful. An added bonus is to have a double standard and not expect your children to love or even be respectful of her (see number two).

6. Allow your ex-wife to have more of say in what goes on in your household than your wife does. This one is similar to number one, but involved your ex lover who doesn't even live in the house. This one can be even more effective than the first one if used correctly. You can make this happen in many different ways.

Every time that your ex calls, no matter what you are doing -- even having an intimate encounter with your wife -- be sure to answer the phone. You can't NOT talk to your ex, afterall she IS the mother of your children. You should talk to her any time, day or night. This tells your wife that she is second and doesn't matter as much to you as your ex does. If your ex demands money, always give it to her no matter how stupid the reasoning is. If your ex's car breaks down be sure to rush over and fix it, again no matter what you may be doing with your wife.

Be sure to give your ex control over all kinds of decisions that go on in YOUR home, afterall she is the mother of your children and your children stay with you. Let her dictate exactly how the children's clothes are to be washed. Take her advice on interior and exterior decorating, especially if what she suggests goes against what your wife wants.

If you and your wife are planning on getting a dog be sure to consult with your ex, and if she is afraid that a dog might bite one of the children tell your wife that there is no way that you guys are going to get a dog. Or even better, if your wife comes to the marriage with a cat or a dog and your ex thinks the animal could be dangerous throw a fit and order your wife to get rid of her pet. Your ex can threaten to raise the child support or to take you to court, you need to give her whatever she wants to keep her happy. Why would you want to keep your wife happy, the person that lives with you and that you promised to love and cherish?

Even bigger than a pet, if you and your wife are planning on having a baby together be sure to consult your ex about this. She might not feel good about the idea. She might be afraid that your children will be jealous or neglected because of this new baby. If your ex has any concerns, deny your wife the opportunity to have a baby. This is especially effective if your wife has no children of her own. You will definitely have a resentful, angry, evil stepmother in your home in no time. Be sure to throw in the fact that she should be happy and proud if YOUR children are the only children that she gets.

7. Insist that your wife take on all, or at least most, of the household chores, don't forget to have her clean your children's rooms as well. Don't do them yourself, you need to spend time with your children. Don't let them do any work around the house because if you do they might not think that your house is fun and they might tell your ex that they don't want to come over anymore. This is especially effective if you and your children are having a LOT of fun while your wife is doing housework, especially if she is picking up after you. Be sure to be loud when you and your kids are having fun, you want her to know what she is missing out on while she is washing the dinner dishes. Make certain that you and your children don't pick up your plates to take them to sink, it's the little things that speak volumes. If you want to be especially effective in this area, be certain to criticize all the housework that your wife does...and whatever you do, never ever praise her hard work or thank her for it.

8. Be sure to love up on your wife when your children are not home. Treat her like a princess, rub her back and do all the little things that you know she loves. This way, she is sure to feel the sting of you ignoring her when your children are home. She will resent their presence in your home and dread their arrivals which will of course lead to her being the evil stepmom that you want.

9. Talk about your past like it was the good old days, especially how much you miss those days. This works especially well when your children are with you because then you guys can talk about all kinds of events that your wife was not at, assuring that she will be left out of the conversation. But even when your children are not home you can tell your wife about all the great times that are long gone. Talk about how great things were with your children before your wife came along...and be sure to mention that you wish things weren't so stressful now. Don't forget to mention how worried you are about your children because of all the stress that they feel from your wife.

Some husbands even find it to be especially effective if they talk about their past with their ex a lot. If you decide to do this, be sure to talk about about the times with her in the best positive light. If she was your first love or a high school sweetheart it is beneficial to bring that up to your wife a lot. Nothing like reminding her of all the firsts that she missed out on in your life. If you have old pictures, that is even better.

10. Interfere when your children and your wife are having a dispute. You wouldn't want them to work it out on their own and build their relationship in the process. If you were to let them work out their disputes themselves they would be working together and you can't have that if you want your wife to be an evil stepmom. Be sure to jump right in on their fight and of course you want to take your children's side. They could stop seeing you as a hero if you stood up to them for your wife. To make sure that you remain in hero status, be sure to reprimand your wife for arguing with your children, and if you can throw in words like immature and mean that is especially helpful.

11. Blame all your children's bad qualities on your wife and take credit for all of their good qualities. This one works especially well if you have you have been following number three and seven and have your wife doing all the housework and disciplining of your children. You get the credit for all the good that they do simply because you supplied the DNA. Your wife gets blamed on their bad qualities because you have done such a good job at turning her into an evil stepmom and as a result she has treated your little angels so poorly. You get to come out the hero once again.

12. Give your wife all the childcare responsibilities and spend nearly no time with your children. Be sure that she is doing everything for the kids. Make sure that it is her responsibility to give the kids baths, get their homework done, get driven everywhere, and fed. This way you are ensured that she will be resentful. There are many husbands who find this method very effective for turning their wives into evil stepmoms. Maybe you are working, maybe you are taking care of the yard, maybe you are fixing the cars, whatever your heroic excuse is for not spending time with your children you will have your wife feeling unappreciated and misunderstood in no time. When you employ this method be sure that you spend as little time with your kids as possible, afterall why should you spend time with your own kids? Why would they want to spend time with you? Surely they come to your house just to spend time with your wife anyway. If you want to take this even further and assure your chances of turning your wife into an evil stepmother be sure to criticize everything that your wife did for your children while you were not there...and don't forget to make her feel bad for what she didn't do!

Now that you know these effective techniques to creating an evil stepmom, you are ready to start! You will have an angry, bitter and resentful wife in no time flat if you can follow all, or at least most, of the steps listed here. These are tried and true ways of turning wives into evil stepmothers. Good luck and enjoy your path to divorce court.

—

---------------------------------------------
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. -James Dean

"Why? Because fuck em. That's why" -GoodbyeNormaJean

alwaysanxious's picture

You think I can tweak this

You think I can tweak this and secretly send this to my SO as "spam" from another email address??? LOL

—

"There's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe."

I do my own thing because I have, check this out, a life." -tskarbow

nesaloera's picture

Thank you so much for that it

Thank you so much for that it really was helpful and kind of funny at the same time but so true. I just dont get it and its very hurtful and I just wish I knew how to explain this to him without it being a huge fight.

alwaysanxious's picture

I have had to correct SO a

I have had to correct SO a lot for these types of behaviors. To feel ignored when the skids are around or to feel like I get no say in our weekend plans. Very frustrating.

—

"There's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe."

I do my own thing because I have, check this out, a life." -tskarbow

donna123's picture

Here is a link to read to

Here is a link to read to your Husband.

http://www.relationshipresourcecenter.com/html/status.html

Hope this helps.

—

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people"...Jack Handey

alwaysanxious's picture

That is a great link. I

That is a great link. I wonder if my SO would actually read it and listen...

—

"There's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe."

I do my own thing because I have, check this out, a life." -tskarbow

Lostinthemadness's picture

I dont know why they do it,

I dont know why they do it, but I do know it isnt just divorced parents that do this, I have had friends in the past that either couldnt have more than one friend or got seriously jealous if you spent time with someone that wasnt them.

My friends dad was like this too, and he was married to their mum but it wasnt his wife he pushed to one side, he could only talk/be nice to one kid at a time and there never seemed to be an obvious reason for it. Weird as feck if you ask me.

—

`Tis better to stay quiet and be thought stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

margo510's picture

All these stories hit too

All these stories hit too close to home for me. I feel like my husbands second wife - his daughter being the first. It's crazy to give children so much power. They should be allowed to be kids and be taught to respect adults. Why do parents teach their child to give more respect to other adults than to their step parent whom they live with part time. It sets up the family to fail. I can't talk to him about it without him becoming extremely defensive and he refuses couples counseling. What can we do?

NoDoormat's picture

"I feel like my husbands

"I feel like my husbands second wife - his daughter being the first."

Our counselor said this right to my DH... she said 'WHO ARE YOU MARRIED TO, YOUR WIFE OR YOUR DAUGHTER?'

I almost fell out of my seat... actually, I felt like Tom Cruise and wanted to jump up and down in my seat... shouting, YOU SEE IT'S NOT JUST ME THAT SEES IT THIS WAY!!!

He is secret when he talks to her... like a MISTRESS.

He doesn't tell me when he is "helping" (a.k.a. enabling) her.

He doesn't tell me what she is doing (or more like it, NOT doing) that she should be.

He doesn't want me to know when he's been to her apartment....

Secret, lies, mistrust... and they wonder why so many second marriages fall apart..........

—

The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left.(Proverbs 11:29 TLB).

Exploit or abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air; common sense tells you it’s a stupid way to live.

SugarSpice's picture

Finally someone who can

Finally someone who can relate to the way I feel.

NoDoormat's picture

Oh, wait, I forgot to add

Oh, wait, I forgot to add that my DH is a mature, loving, intelligent person... who is politically aware, secure job, integrity, etc.

But, the minute he is 'hanging' with his ADULT kids... he becomes ONE OF THEM....

For example, we hardly ever drink.. I mean, maybe a glass of wine or him a beer... but not drink drink.

On Christmas I walk downstairs and find him (SECRETLY) and his ADULT kids in a BEER CHUGGING CONTEST!!!

What kind of father has a beer chugging contest with his daughter who has had TWO DUI's before she was 18? She still has that stupid breathing thingy on her car so she WON'T drink and drive!! His son has had his license taken away for years because of his DUI's?!?!?!?!

Way to go "COOL DADDY"..... yuck.

—

The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left.(Proverbs 11:29 TLB).

Exploit or abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air; common sense tells you it’s a stupid way to live.