Kitn76's picture

Can't STAND my step daughter

Let me start off by saying, I'm a newbie to this site and this is my first post. Hi everyone. Smiling I have no one else to vent to, and lo and behold, I find this site. Seems to me from looking at the posts, I'll have people that actually, for once, "understand".

Long story short, my step daughter is 4...however she acts like she's 2. There *may* be some developmental issues, but Lord knows since no one will bother to get her tested.
My biological younger daughter is only 9 months older than my, now labeled "STEP BRAT", and the mental age difference is uncanny. The step brat can't talk without whining. She's incredibly rude to me, especially when her daddy isn't looking or isn't home, and it's gotten to the point where I can't STAND this kid. I feel horrible, and at the same time just don't give a darn anymore.
Before anyone she doesn't act this way because I came between her mother and her father. They were broken up a year before I came into the picture, when she was an infant, so has no recollection of her parents ever being together.
Anyway, she's just so whiny, and she'll cry to the point of making herself puke just for attention. She acts helpless to get everyone in her world to do everything for her (I refuse), and I was just recently told by her that she hates me. Well, at this point, whatever, because I haven't been able to stand her for awhile now. At first, when she was 2, I just blamed it on "the terrible two's", but she acts no different now than she did when she was 2. (*side note - I have 2 biological daughters who are 10 and 5, and neither of them have ever acted the way this child does. I've also been a daycare provider and never seen the likes of this kid*) And I am SO tired of hearing, "But, she's ONLY 4"....yeah...okay, so was my daughter until she turned 5 nearly four months ago.
I'll go into more with what I have to deal with if I feel like I've finally found a group of people that actually understand how I feel without making me out to be some sort of (pardon the term) b*tch.
Anyone out there that understands? Does anyone feel like they wouldn't care if they never saw their step kid again? I know that's horrible, I know it is....but a human being can't help the way they feel either.
It makes for trying to blend this family together very hard, because I never want to be around her. I can't stand when she's around. Thus, I spend her weeks that we have her with us out as much as possible. Family outings are not fun at all, and neither is being within 5 feet of this kid.
*sigh* Anyway, to whoever read this, thank you.

sixxnguns's picture


Are you living my life? cause this is EXACTLY what I go through everyday with my fiancee's 4 year old son! He's the SAME way! As someone else put it in a previous thread...this kid is overcodded and babied and I can't seem to get to like him because of his behaviors. I don't know if it's developmental cause he does everything else fine, like bathing and brushing teeth, but he eats like a two year old and acts like one, even talks like one!

Sailorgirl's picture


My boyfriend has 2 kids; one is a 4yr old daughter, whom I can't stand. I pray and ask that these feelings I have towards her be removed simply because I don't want to feel like this about no child. She is 4 but acts like she is 2. They comes to our house every other weekend and I hate it. During that particular week I get so depressed because I know my house will be in an up-roar. Their father and I argue everytime they come, sometimes over simple things. I feel that their mother is not teaching them anything and him being the father is not doing his part either. Being that she is a girl, she needs to be taught certain things little girls should know, like wiping herself after using the toilet, then flushing and washing your hands (Her mom needs to be ashamed) this is NASTY! Everything this child touches she either breaks or tear up, she eats with her hands (fingers), don't know how to walk inside a house (always running), don't speak correct/proper english (at her age she is not expected to speak correct all the time) but the least her father can do is correct her when she do say the wrong words. for example: we mom said take us to the fair or is us clothes ready. When I attempt to correct or ask him why he doesn't he becomes angry. I really feel that you must teach kids or how will they learn. I hate to hear her voice or even look at her. They have no home training or discipline. I am not use to this and I did not raise my child to be like this, and really don't want her to pick up some of their bad habits. What do I do? I really feel like they are going to come between us!

christinen's picture

WOW, I am going through the

WOW, I am going through the exact same thing right now as well! My fiancee has a 3 year old daughter who I absolutely cannot stand! Everyone always says "she's just a baby", things like that, but this girl is out of control at 3, I can't imagine what she will be like when she gets older. Fiancee thinks it will get better; I am sure it will get worse if he doesn't correct the issues now. She still does not sleep through the night. & she is not only waking up once for a drink or something, she wakes up 3-4 times a night SCREAMING for NO REASON. She doesn't want a drink, doesn't want to go to the bathroom, she says she is not scared or anything like that, she won't even say what she want. She literally THROWS herself onto our bed and fiancee will let her stay there despite me being totally against children in the grown ups bed. Night time is for grown ups, in my opinion. She also is not corrected by her father for not speaking proper English. Now we obviously don't expect much, she's 3, but when she says something blatently wrong, like she always says "him" when she should be saying "he" - example : "can him come?"- as a parent, it is your job to correct it. When I do it, fiancee gets mad. The kid runs around the house screaming & jumps on the couches with her shoes on. Fiancee has joint custody, so the kid is with us every other week for the full week & those weeks are pure torture. We fight the whole week over everything. The kid's mom is a complete lunatic to make matters worse. She's the typical "baby mama" stereotype- no offense to anyone- i'm talking stereotype here- but she has no job, no education, on welfare, crackhead boyfriend, whole family is criminals/lunatics, been to the nuthut more than once.. I could go on. I love this man but he has so many issues with this kid and baby mama I am seriously rethinking whether I want to spend my life like this! Help!

minniemouse's picture

Hi there I have just found

Hi there
I have just found this site and want to say a big thankyou to everyone on it - you may have actually just saved my sanity! I am typing this sat upstairs in the bedroom because my partners 5 year old son is staying with us for the weekend and I simply do not want to be in the same room as him!!! He is soooo whingey, cries all the time, screams, can't just go and play... need I go on? I struggle to find anything positive to say about him. I thought I was the only person in the world who felt like this! Its so awful isn't it, I dread the weekends he's here, I feel like I have permanent pmt! Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to you all and I'm glad I'm not a total cow for disliking him! Sad

Sad xx

kristina85's picture

I did just that tonight, went

I did just that tonight, went to my bedroom for a while to ge away from them. Thank god for school, they are gone most of the day. lol

88keys2happiness's picture

Me too!

Me too!

goingslowlycrazy's picture

I'm sitting in the bedroom

I'm sitting in the bedroom alone cause his three kids are here for the weekend and I don't want to be in the same room help!!! I just can't stand it..they are indulged to the point of crazy, food wise, boundary wise and it drives me mad, I've got to start getting out and doing my own thing

iamkellik's picture

It sounds like your living my

It sounds like your living my life. My husband has two girls ages 5 and 2 1/2 and I hate the younger one. She has spit in my face, bit me, kicked me and taken off her panties and peed on my couch and smiled at me. She does this while her "daddy" isn't looking and so he gets mad at me and says "she's just little". I have raised four of my own children ages 10-17 and they never acted like this. They scream at their grandmother and she allows this and lets them do whatever they want. Their mother just cares about getting rid of them and getting her child support check. I am at my wits end. I am in counseling and trying and I can't stand to look at her face or hear her babytalk. My husband lets them do whatever they want in my new house. My kids hate her because of what they have seen her do to me. I dread every month when they come to see us. They used to come every two weeks but thank god my husband can't afford because of the distance to have them more than a weekend a month. I am secretly happy about that. I try and find things to do when she is around but he whines that we're a family and calls me continuously. My husband or his ex girlfriend don't know the first thing about parenting. The 5 year old respects me and is good. I feel bad for hating a kid but my family can't stand this kid either and none of my friends and she was kicked otu of two daycares this summer that I took her too. I don't know what to do and I don't want some little brat tearing my husband and I apart. I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and I find myself wishing this kid wasn't even born and that is bad.

novemberfox's picture

I know EXACTLY how you feel,

I know EXACTLY how you feel, my situation is almost identical...Im so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way! Love my husband but hate his kid & baby momma (same welfare type bee-iotch). If anything happens to our marriage it will be because of that kid & her mother!

kristina85's picture

LOL you said it! I love my

LOL you said it!

I love my fiance and hate his boys and their mom is a stupid welfare bitch too. Shes an evil which and it causing such a headach!

I hope the situation is hindered bc of his kids or her trying to take him to the cleaners.

Roseybird's picture

WoW - I can honestly say taht

WoW - I can honestly say taht I have been there and done that. I met and fell in love with my husband and he a daughter. She was out of control from the beginning. I think his parents and him played a huge role in letting her RULE over them. Now she is a SPOILED, INCONSDERATE, NASTY, UNAPPRECIATIVE, BRAT! I can't stand her either. She drives me up a wall. It's horrible! I would love to say it would get better, but in your case, I don't see it. There's a list of things I can tell you about my SD15. I could write a WHOLE FREAKING BOOK!

common_sense_prevails's picture

hi - new to this site but

hi - new to this site but understood your post completely. i am engaged to a man who has a son 19 in college already and his daughter who will be 18 this friday, and going to college in the fall, thank the universe for that. she is not a nice girl and is rude and inconsiderate to me. her parents have been divorced for over 10 years and her mom is remarried and has twin sons almost a year old. this girl is spoiled and entitled, selfish and rude. case in point - this weekend her dad and i were looking at new houses to move into when she goes off to college and she said that "the dog pee'd all over those homes". wtf? and recently, "oh, that is my dad's girlfriend, we just try to ignore her." seriously! i think it is important that we keep our sanity by recognizing that their behavioral issues are just that....theirs. i am modeling behavior that is acceptable - no screaming, no sarcasm, no fighting and we will see how it goes....i am lucky she is moving out, but both kids will be home for breaks from college....eeek.!

iamkellik's picture

are you living my life ? My 3

are you living my life ? My 3 year olde step daughter is a manipulative little brat. Her 5 year old sister is so good and sweet to me and we have a excellent relationship. When my husband looks away she sticks her tongue out at me and when she's sitting by him or hanging all over him she looks at me with this smile that makes me want to smack her. He is currently staying with his brother because last time they were here, he gets after the 5 year old but keeps saying to me for everything she does "she's only 3 years old". Well I have four kids and not one of my kids have ever treated anyone like htat. He also feels guilty about living 5 hours away from them and feels like he is "hurting" his kids by attending my kids functions with me, so I am alone at everything. Nothing is different from me being a single mother. He's still attached to his mother's umbilical cord and they literally call him like 4 times a day. I love him but the drama I dont' miss. His family is the most dysfunctional family I have ever witnessed.

mominthecity's picture

Dear SMV, I am so sorry you

Dear SMV,

I am so sorry you are going through your dilemna. I know it must be painful. I located this site because I, too, may soon be a stepmom to a 12 year old boy with ADHD. I had a similar problem some years ago with a stepdaughter that hated my guts. Needless to say, her father and I never married. But, it was all in divine order.

Please go back and look at what you wrote. Take one moment and imagine the vibe that this little girl must be getting from you. She knows that you don't like her. She knows that you like her sister more than her and she also knows that you'd do just about anything to get rid of her. In my situation, I decided to change the only person that I could change. Myself. This little girl is only projecting onto you how she perceives she is being treated. Trust me, kids can read your energy and you never have to say a word. It's like a radio frequency or something. They can sense this stuff. Pray and meditate about it. Perhaps, get her alone to do something fun with her. I know it will be hard, but you can't ask your fiance to choose between you and his daughter. Believe me, if you ask him this, you will be without a fiance. Try and take your emotions out of the deal. That's what gets us everytime.

As for me, I am trying to see my stepson for the wonderful potential he has. It makes a difference when you can see it differently. Change your mind. Change your life.

Hoping for the best for you,

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

I COMPLETELY relate to that.

I COMPLETELY relate to that. When my step daughter and I met, she was only 18 months old, at the time my fiancee only got once a week visits for 3 hrs, then as she would get older the time would be more elaborate. When she was little, she had her issues, but then I kinda blamed it on her mother, but everyone including my fiancee and his family fell for her ways of seeking out for negative attention, and to this day even still walk on egg shells for her, I once told her to stop being such a whiny brat, and got told by my fiancees Sister that it was "uncalled for" and that I was being "rude" my SD kept her sniveling up but made sure to let me see that evil sparkle in her eyes as she sneakily grinned at me. They all have been cooperative at giving her what she wants, they play into it, and I don't, that's why she don't like me. Couple years ago my fiancee seen a ring on her finger that he KNEW was NOT hers, he brought it into me, and it was mine, she had told him it was hers, so she stole my ring, lied about it, and was even going to go give it to her friend for her birthday! You know how he punished her? HE DIDN'T! He lectured her about stealing, and that was it. She is now 9 and a half, she baby talks ALL the time, pees her pants intentionally, acts helpless over anything she can, and will follow my fiancee around wherever he goes being sneaky asking him for things that I have already said NO to. She tries to play both ends against the middle or even try to make him feel sorry for her by making him think I'm the bad guy. You're right, we all have feelings too, and it's hard being the step parent especially to a child that wishes you weren't there. She told my fiancee once "wouldn't it be cool if you and my mom were back together and *insert my Son's name here* was my brother?" So that said to me, "wouldn't it be nice if Mama C wasn't in our lives" and that irked me to no end, he couldn't see why I upset tho, said it was just her being a NORMAL kid and wishing for her parents to still be together Jawdropping! when asked to explain her still wishing for MY BIOLOGICAL SON to be her brother in that situation, he again stuck up for her and said that she just loved him Puzzled I do the same as you, well I at least try to keep that fake smile on my face, say through gritted teeth that I love her, and be mentally pulling my hair out strand by strand as she hugs me. Throughout the years that smile is fading and I know she can see the immense build up of hatred I have, and as much as I feel guilty for saying that, I know it's true, eventually, I have a feeling she will end our relationship, will some how come between us, but until then, I am going to love my fiancee and hang onto him for as long as I can. I don't know what else to do.

Mama C

mama g's picture

mama c i know where you are

mama c

i know where you are coming from me and my husband have been together since his daughter was 4 months old. she does some of the same things when im home to get attention she will set on the couch and pee or poop which ever. her mom telss her she is coming down to see her dad and my son from a different marrage but i wont be there then when i come home from work she starts acting out becouse her mom has it in her head that i am bad and that i dont love her. i started out loving her but it has started to dewindle and i know it is not her fault but that of the mother who puts things in the childs head. i know what you are going through and it has only been 3 yrs for me. but hang in there remember you are probly the only good role model in this childs life.

MrDaddy2's picture

Although sometimes that may

Although sometimes that may be true, sometimes kids are a product of their environment. I have a 5 year old stepdaughter who is so babied by her grandparents, and great grandparents (who end up watching her from time to time) and her father who is to lazy to work with her. So she gets a way with a lot. She throws fits, can never be told no to anything. She acts helpless and had threatned the babysitter (who is my aunt) has physically asaulted other people, adults, kids, and babies. She also lies about what people do and say to her. We took her to a doctor who told us that everyone in her life has to treat her like she is 5, not 2, otherwise she gets confused and then acts out. The doctor also stated that kids her ages have the potential to distort their own reality based on what they want to feel or believe. To them its true and it actually happened, even if it is impossible, improbably, or completely wrong.
Not saying you are wrong, but you are sugar coating the kids part and demonizing the victim here.

pearl55's picture

it only gets worse. they

it only gets worse. Jawdropping! they will never see her faults- she is their little angel and she knows it. good luck you are going to need it.

best of luck

cayandcamsmom's picture

mominthecity, I couldn't


I couldn't agree with your more. It is so easy to read and know what the right thing to do it, actually DOING it is the hard part!!

I have currently decided to disengage from my stepchildren, which deep down I know isn't right (but is keeping me sane right now). I am working really hard on trying to heal myself and forgive/forget.

You are right, the only person you can change is yourself.

Thanks and good luck to us all!!!!


IWasThere's picture

First of all I am sorry you

First of all I am sorry you are having to go through this.

i CAN TOTALLY RELATE. My steps were 10-16, however they are finally grown and on there own. Unfortunately, it's a pretty good chance it won't get better unless you all get some serious help. Looking back on it now...if only I/we had gotten the whole family in on counsel from someone who specializes in joining families, it would have benefited, however the kids and father didn't go for it. Many times I wished I had listened to the ones who said run as fast as you can. But I didn't, and I believe the stress caused me to get MS 6 months into it. Our marriage lasted by the grace of God. The kids think they are being replaced by you. If you can learn to love them like your own, don't let them even think for a minute you don' might could win them over. If I had done that I would have saved many years of pure misery not only for me but everyone. Your hubby is put in the middle. The child is playing both of you. I fought to be #1 and so did they. What I should have done is wait until they were grown, but that's not what I wanted. Or perhaps buying a duplex would have been much better. I hope you don't try and split the kids, looking down the road 15-20 years it will be much worse for you,and your marriage will be at risk. Kill them with kindness and try to love them. They will eventually come around. I hope it works out for you, I really do!!!

hurtSM's picture

Hi your story sounds soo much

Hi your story sounds soo much like mine, except I went through and bought the house and married my now DH. I have a 10 year old step son who behaves exactly like your 5 year old SD. So unfortunatly I can not say that it will get better with age. My DH is still saying he's only 10 and has been saying it since he was 6. I think I will be hearing that until he is 20! I never broke up my DH and his ex, they broke up 5 years before he even met me. She had two more children and has had another two since we have been together (total 5 kids at home with new partner). SS has gotten better at a few things, he longer throws massive tantrums, but still does the ignoring stuff and crying for attention. If I say anything to him and he thinks he can make it sound a little like he is getting in trouble, he will start to cry.
We moved away for a year, in which he would only come for a few weeks at a time, and he got a bit better. So we moved back and it is just the same again. I dont know if it was because we had him for longer periods of time while we were away or not, but I think this was the reason. We have him every two weeks now and its horrible, he finally settles into our routine and starts to realise I am not a monster and when he has been around for about 2weeks. In two days its just too hard.
My advise for you is this, if you are living together now with the kids full-time, then things will not change when you move into your new house. If you have never lived with them full time, you should try that before you get married and buy a house! If I new what I was going to go through in the last 4 years, I would have run a mile. I love my husband very very much and is the only reason I am still here. You have to find some thing that you can work with, and it has to be a two way street with you fiancée. If things do not improve while your living together, you really should weigh it up, cause things normally get harder before they get better, especially with another kid in the mix.

sotfsb's picture

Wow! I was also in a very bad

Wow! I was also in a very bad situation with my 4yr old SD! I think people really under-estimate how smart and manipulative young children can be! This brat almost ruined my marriage! Things were okay for the first months after I met my DH a few years ago (me - 31 w/ no kids, him - 27 with joint custody of his 4yr daughter)and then trouble started. At first I was actually excited about welcoming SD into my home, I went out and bought toys and crafts and a large toy box for when she was over (about 3-4 days a week) and DH encouraged us to build our relationship. Even BM supported it! I noticed something was "off" with her at first when DH tried to show me a bit of affection (a hug and kiss on the cheek) while she was there and she ran over and jumped in between us, grabbed on to DH's neck and started licking and sucking on his face! I just looked at them and she turned around and gave me a cold dark stare, as if saying back off! DH had a talk with her about her inappropriate behavior and she stomped away. Everytime after that she would break up any attention DH tried to give me... constantly interrupting conversation, constantly putting her body in between us, crying and screamming at night when she couldnt sleep with DH, feigning illness and injury, even pretending to gag and choke and then be miraculously healed when DH rushed over!!! Now neither DH nor myself EVER left her out of anything, actually we planned our days around entertaining SD and making her happy and taking her out, she just couldnt handle not having 100% attention 100% of the time, even after we (and BM) had multiple talks with her (on her level)about the situation not to mention she completely ignores DH when I am not around and is always crying for Gramma (DH's mom). Next she started lying to her BM and saying that DH hit her and locked her in her room. DH cried when he heard this, first off all, he would NEVER hit anybody, let alone his child and secondly, SD doesnt have a room, she sleeps on the pull-out couch in the living room and the only doors in the STUDIO apartment are the outside door and the bathroom door! Thank god BM knew this and we all had a talk with her about lying. Next, she was caught abusing her BM's dog by kicking it in the face when it already had a neck brace on from a previous injury! Then I caught her abusing my 11yr old dog, thank god I was right there when she squeezed her so hard she just about broke her ribs and i pulled the little sh*t off my dog before the dog had time to snap at her! After that, my dog was always kenneled when she came over! Things just kept getting worse in the next several months during which time DH and I got married. I had talked to my mother and a few friends about SD and her deviant behavior and animal cruely and borderline sexual gestures she would make towards DH and they were all perplexed...none of them had ever had experiences with their children like that! They suggested counseling but DH and BM didnt believe it was neccessary and neither did SD's school teachers. Also DH's mother, I found out, was treating SD like an infant still and was letting her sleep with her when she spent the night and rocking her to sleep with a warm bottle still! This kid has been off bottles for years! Need I also mention, this kid is spoiled rotten beyond belief by both sides of her family and can do no wrong!!! Next, BM and her DH started denying they were having any issues with SD and that we were making too much out of her behaviors and that SD was reporting that she didnt like me and I was mean (yeah mean for setting limits in my own house I guess) So... one day, we were all on the couch watching a movie and DH started to ask me a question (it had already been a stressful and tiring day with SD) and SD started interrupting and I just couldnt take being silent anymore so I turned to her and said loudly and clearly "Excuse me, we are the grown ups and we are talking and YOU need to be quiet until WE are finished!" Well that just sent her over the edge in to a full out screaming tantrum! I just got up and went to my bed around the corner and let DH deal with her. Later that night I told DH that I was miserable and didnt think I could handle things anymore and that I was seriously starting to reconsider have kids of my own based on her spoiled and destructive behavior. OMG, it was like a light bulb went off in his head that day, after seeing her, he really understood me and all that I had been going through that whole year to keep us together. I just broke down in tears for the first time in the almost 2 yrs we had been together told him honestly that I was sorry and that I couldnt stand is daughter and that I was sick of being miserable and I wanted a break! Things changed from that day on! DH stopped coddling SD and allowed me to have some say when SD was visiting, we cut her visits down to weekends only for a while even though BM and DH's family was against it and our relationship started getting better. Well things with SD got worse now that she didnt have total control and DH's family started running me down and making him feel like a bad person! Now DH is not speaking to BM or his mother and BM has taken him to court for full custody and CS. It has been another year and now DH doesnt see his family or SD b/c of all the Bullsh*t! Its just a bad situation that is now worse and DH is so fed up he wants nothing to do with SD or his family and we have also decided to move out of state so he can get a better job. I feel so bad for him but at the same time I dont miss SD one bit! I just want to get on with our lives! We have heard through BM that SD is happy with her and her DH and calls him daddy now. Apparently they also let her do whatever she wants. I guess that is the key to raising todays children and that must be why most kids today have no respect for authority and act like ego-centic, self-serving A-holes as adults... well I refuse to raise kids like that! Now BM's DH is trying to adopt her and my DH is giving his rights up! Even though it is very unfortunate that it came to this between my DH and his daughter's BM, I am glad my nightmare is finally over.

kristina.schulz's picture

I have to say it's a Godsend

I have to say it's a Godsend to be able to find a website where people talk and vent about the SAME EXACT things I'm going through. It's so good to know I'm not alone in this. I live with my boyfriend and his two kids--his son is 7 and his daughter is 4. He has primary custody of his kids: the result of an expensive court battle after his girlfriend left him for another woman 3 years ago. I know....might as well start the therapy now. His son was 3 and his daughter not even a year old when she left.

His son and I get along great most of the time and the only issues we have with him are infrequent and average for a 7-year-old. His 4-year-old daughter, on the other hand, is a completely different nightmare. She is okay occassionally, but her behavior and spoiled nature is more than I can handle most of the time. I had always chalked it up to the fact that I don't have kids of my own (and lack of life experience considering I'm a whopping 25), so I must be missing that motherly patience and affection, but reading your story and the countless others on here have made me realize that maybe it's not just me. I could list the many things she does, but would only be repeating what everyone else has written here: she is disobedient; she does bad things deliberately, then gives me a look that makes me want to smack her (e.g. she walked by her brother who was laying on the floor, stopped, looked at me, then turned around and stomped as hard as she could on his stomach); she refuses to sleep in her own bed at night--instead she runs into her brother's room to sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT--and when I found a way to shut her door so that she couldn't open it (It gets stuck and her hands are too small to turn the handle. I'm not locking her in, and I can open it just fine)she started screaming every night. Somehow that never wakes the boyfriend, though...

Actually, this morning I was awakend by her screaming to be let out and I went and asked her what was wrong. She told me she had a nightmare, and when I asked her to explain it to me, she made up what was obviously a very poor excuse of a nightmare ("I dreamed...uh...about...a uh... about a dog....uh...playing."). I told her she needed to go back to sleep because I had to get up for work and not 20 minutes later, she started screaming for her dad because she found out I wasn't going to coddle her (enter wicked stepmother!) I went into her room and told her (in much nicer terms than I put here) that she needed to shut up, get her ass in bed, and go to sleep. As an aside, I also recently found out that her BM lets her watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" whenever she wants when they visit her on the weekends. I finally told SD this morning that if I found out she was watching that show again I would ground her (what kind of mother lets her FOUR-YEAR-OLD-DAUGHTER PRONE TO NIGHTMARES watch a show about vampires, skeletons, rabid monsters, etc.???) Of course at this point, the boyfriend wakes up because he hears the door slam (from me running into it in the dark) and I tried to explain to him the issues I was having. All he said was "I don't understand why it's such a big deal," and went back to bed.

Honestly, I don't understand why it's such a big deal either; I also don't understand why it's not. Doing some personal psychoanalysis (partly why I'm on this site), I think it has something to do with the constant power struggles. (Uh oh, I'm about to list again!) She refuses to eat anything, then when I'm eating something she would refuse to eat, she wants a bite from MY plate--never her own. If she can't do something within 5 seconds (put on a backpack, put on/take off her shoes, open a door) she IMMEDIATELY throws a tantrum. I was recently able to get to the point where I say, "Okay, what do you need to do if you're struggling?" and for a while she would answer, "Ask for help," and then she would. I thought I was finally making progress with her! But then she suddenly regressed: she would be taking off her pants to take a bath and they would get stuck around her knees or ankles. Obvious solution? Scream and cry--something I found helpful when I also struggle to take of my pants... Instead of doing it for her, I would try to lead her through it so she could learn to do it on her own (if you haven't guessed at this point, I'm a teacher so I have a habit of forcing kids to learn how to do things for themselves). I would tell her it's easier to sit down and pull them off one leg at a time so they don't get stuck, and she would actually scream "NO!" and keep trying to do it her way. Once I caught her actually trying to sit and do it (like I suggested to her), and she saw that I saw her and stood up to throw a tantrum about not being able to get her pants off. Now, before you start rolling your eyes and thinking, "Seriously? You're whining about a kid taking off pants?" Multiply that situation by EVERY. THING. SHE. DOES. When I am strict with her (my boyfriend has also equated my strictness with meanness)she cries. When I ask her why she's crying, she says she misses her mom--and unfortunately she knows that gets me right to the core because I once made the mistake of showing her that it bothered me when she mentioned her mom that way, a way that says, "I want HER, not YOU!" Well, that's not fair. Sometimes she switches out "Mom" for "Grandma". Either way, she is very good at making me feel like I am never the one wanted. And that hurts. More than anything else she could do or say.

I won't go so far as to say that I don't want to be around my stepkids. Some days are really, really great with BOTH of them. But it's days like today, in the middle of the night, when I sit on my couch unable to sleep, sobbing silently so I won't wake up the boyfriend, considering taking that suitcase from under the bed and finding somewhere to stay for a while.....

In a nutshell, I went from single, worrying only about myself, to pseudo-stepmom taking care of 2 kids. I missed a huge step in preparation for being a mother (being pregnant to start) and I know that is part of my problem. I want to marry this man more than anything in the world, but I'm not sure I can marry his kids, too.

For anyone reading this, thank you for reading and understanding without judgment. I have a knack for saying and doing things rashly without hesitation or thought and I finally have a place where I can do that without repercussions.

bethann08's picture

I understand. I was a single

I understand. I was a single mom with one child & became full time step mom to DH's two children (ss6 & ssd4). I have more issues with ss6 than sad but I still have those same feelings & there are days I question my decisions... DH is great about most things, but emotionally stupid & doesn't understand why I don't feel the same about his two children as I do about mine. He thinks because I don't have that natural motherly connection with them, that I don't love them. Its frustrating trying to get him to understand that just because I take care of his kids & not their BM, doesn't make me their "mommy".
I understand ur situation & it's not because you weren't a mom before, it's normal & I wish my DH would understand that.

moonchild's picture

I feel so the same way, my

I feel so the same way, my boyfriends child acts the same way, he is not my stepson and his behaviour has prevented me from moving forward in this relationship. Both parents spoil him rotten and share 50/50 custody. He is so inapporpriate in so many ways and neither parent deals with it or is bothered by it. He says rude things when he wins in sports and his dad laughs but when he loses or someone says anything hurtful to him his dad is like so shocked and says my son would never do that, I am like wtf. It is like everything is a double standard. I can see my situation getting worse if we every chose to live together, right now I live in my own place and we live over a half hour away from each other, which I am thankful for. Then I go really what kind of relationship is this. I don't like my bf kid that is pretty bad and a big red flag. I cannot see it getting better and don't want him to change seeing his son for me, but I feel I cannot be a part of it. I am embarassed by the behaviours when we are out in public. So nice to hear others vent don't feel so cruel

pearl55's picture

I hate to be the one to tell

I hate to be the one to tell you this but leave now while you can before you become depressed, bitter and a bitch. The dad is never going to change or see him but nothing but a child. go and find someone that you can be happy with. being a step parent is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and yes it can be a good life but that is only when the dad is willing to step up and make the child mind and be respectful which this one does neither. Don't wait 5 yrs or 10 yrs and say I wish I would have listened. My daughter is now bitter towards life even though she has a beautiful daughter of her own now but things are worse and the 5 yrs old is hurting her 19 mth old daughter because she wants too. The five year old has just informed them that she has tried to break her arm, took her head and slammed it into the faucet in the tub, kicked her in the stomach and pinched her. the baby does not want to stay there when the step daughter visits. she wants to come to nana's and paw paw's. I worry that she will hurt her and put her in the hospital, she is small, loving and a bundle of energy and everyone notices her when they go out. please think twice before marrying him.

best of luck

Accordn2L's picture

I'm so jealous! I wish the

I'm so jealous! I wish the BM would take full custody and move away so I could finally get some freaking peace in my own home!

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

Oh gawd sweetie this is all

Oh gawd sweetie Sad this is all just nonsense, and unfortunately, I have been and am still in that same position with my fiancee and his little girl, I too sometimes feel like I am fighting for his love and affection when she comes for her visits, when he and I have been standing there holding hands, my head rested on his shoulder, she will stare at us evil, looks just like her mother and then will give me this horrible smile and come over, grab his other hand and lean on him, going "mmm i love you Daddy" makes me sick to my stomach, or if we are sitting next to each other watching a TV show while cuddling, she will crawl all over him, get behind him, lay across him so I have to move my hand and weasel her way in between us. At one pint when she was 5, I had just had enough and got after, told her she was almost 6 yrs old and needed to start acting like it and stop acting like she was 2 or 3, well later on that evening, my fiancee went and got her in the tub, and I hear her say "Daddy, can you wash my hair, I don't know how, I'm 2" Every word pierced through me like a sharp knife, my blood BOILED! She is STILL doing stuff like this now, and she will be 10 in December, hell, she is still peeing her pants, in CLASS too! Then she will cry and act like a baby when she's been caught making my fiancee feel bad for her and then makes me out to be the bad guy for telling her that "peeing on my kitchen chairs like an animal is wrong" MANY times I have thought and felt like if anything happened to our relationship it would be because she ruined it, he continues to tell me that he will never let that happen because he loves me and wants me in his life forever, but sometimes I just honestly don't know if I can handle too much more, used to be he got her every other weekend, but since he couldn't afford that when his ex wife moved farther it went to a weekend visit once a month, and even those I dread, lock myself in my room and block out the world. When she was 3 she INNOCENTLY asked me if she could call me "Mom" I teared up and told her if she wanted to, at the time it was innocent, but now she ONLY does it because it upsets her Mother and to irritate me, at one point my fiancee, me, and her all had a falling out, I was sent into tears she was getting her way over something, and it's the same thing you experience, when I try to point something out to my fiancee that what she is doing is wrong, he justifies it and her, just a vicious cycle that will NEVER stop, her mother has now been married 3 times and has my SD calling them "dad" within no time, so that's teaching her to slut around, something her mother is very good at, and my fiancee has told me that he fears her teen years for that reason alone, and with the things I have caught her doing, it would not surprise me honestly, and as bad as that is to say, it's true. When she comes down for the visit in Summer, I dread it badly, I have panic attacks, I feel angrier, and find that I hide from the world, I count the days until she goes back home from the moment she shows up. My fiancee and I have lived together since before she was 2, so she has known us together practically her whole life. I don't know how much I can handle, just her voice angers me, hearing her baby talk at him, and him not even caring, acting as if she isn't doing that, and like she is *gulps* a normal kid. She is NOT. This last Xmas, she was opening her gifts, and my fiancee a few times kept trying to position her to where I could snap the pics of her and him together, well she INTENTIONALLY kept moving facing her back to me, and finally I had to give the camera to him and tell him it was impossible to get them with how she was sitting, he NEVER disciplined her at all, and when he went to grab the camera, she turned around so he couldn't see and grinned like "HAHA" at me, and when I asked her, "did ya read the tag? who's it from hon?" she says "Daddy...and YOU" even then he said nothing, and when I later pointed it out, nothing got done. As far as you telling your fiancee that she can't be there in your new home, it will end you two, to stop a Daddy from being with his child that he kisses ass over will go over like a big fart in a dust storm hon, sad but true, the best thing you could do, would be to distant yourself when she is there, IF she asks you for permission over anything, tell her to ask her dad, if he asks you for help on something with her, just tell him it's in his hands, let him deal with her ALONE, he will see everything you have been talking about, at least some of it, I did it for a while with my fiancee and he did see a SMALL portion, I gave up when he said "she's not that bad" If anything, we now have each other to vent to, and that means a lot to me, but I need to go, he's asking what I'm doing, can't very well say "talking trash about your kid" LOL, wish I could sometimes.....Anyhow, take care, hope things have worked out, keep us posted.

Mama C

Lou's picture

I am new here and this sounds

I am new here and this sounds kind of like my situation. I have started telling my husband to deal with her himself. I tried really hard with my 12 year old SD but she is so manipulative that I am at the point where I hate her. Her dad and I started living together when she was 7 and her parents broke up when she was born so she has never known them together but used to say all kinds of things about them getting back together, I undertand this as I am from a broken home (although my parents broke up when I was 13) She lives with her mothers grandparents most of the time (her mother isn't fit to look after her) and this we have in common as I grew up living with mine as well but that is where the similarites stop. There is something really strange about her I thought it was just me but everyone who has met her says she creeps them out and that she is a very unlikable person. She has this weird stare and is always over apologetic and polite to your face. She acts like a little angel around her dad but is really mean to my little sister and nephew (when she comes over she is always "can we please go over to "my sisters" house?" and "I can't wait to see "my sister"!" in this stupid baby voice) Varies members of my family and friends have heard her being crewl to other kids and than to cover it up she comes racing out and says things like "so and so is going to say that I pushed them but I didn't they just fell" and "I don't know what's wrong with them they won't talk to me". She also knows that her mothers family thinks that I am no one in the scheme of things and should not have a right to disapline her in my own home (yeah right!)and so she tries to trap me into telling her what to do. She will ask me to ask her dad if she is aloud to do something rediculous when he is sitting right beside me for this very reason so she can go back to her mother and report what I didn't let her do ect. She is also always perposly spilling things in my car so I have banned her from drinking or eating in there. She also spills and breaks things at home or pretend to forget to take her shoes off and drag mud through the house after I just mopped. She also gets very over the top emotional about everything and I crys and when you call her bluf just turns the tearworks off like that! She has completely fooled my husbands parents and untill recently my husband (i just came out and told him what she is doing)She had stolen money and done other spiteful things all with an innocent I'm sorry, I didn't know and I didn't mean to accidently..... The other day I asked her what she wanted for breakfast and proceeded to cook her choice and she came over next to me and started singing the opposite to that "your amazing just the way you are" song and than told me she wasn't singing it about me. As if I don't know that she is tring to let me know she is insulting me while trying to have in out for her father if I say anything about it. She also trys to get attention from her father in an inappropriet way. An example is that they were playing monopoly the and when he looked down she pulled her top down past her nonexistant boobs and that said to him "oh no my top is falling down don't look" she had no idea I saw the whole thing and he was completely oblivious to it so I called him into the bedroom and told him waht I saw than when she tried it again he told her to go put a proper shirt on cause he didn't want to see it. And I know she is not being abused so this is just evil twisted behaviour. I have never meet such a peice of work! We have an 11 month old together and I don't want her being left alone with him. Speaking of which, he has just woken up from his sleep so I have to go.

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

Oh wow, sounds like we relate

Oh wow, sounds like we relate by A LOT! Everything I just read about her being creepy and having a weird stare, my SD has the SAME exact stare, I totally understood that immediately, she will stand in front of anyone with the blankest look and just stares at them, others have told me that she is a brat and that they can't stand her because she acts like a baby, and she does that same baby talk you mentioned above too! It drives me crazy! And she does that same thing where you talked about her asking to go see "my sister" my SD does it with MY family, for example " when can we go see grandpa __ and grandma__? I really miss them" talking about MY parents, My Dad has only EVER seen her maybe 10 times, IF that, my Mom has seen her more, but never for too long. When my little sister's dog died a dog that MY family considered family as well, any time she would see my sister, even a year or two later, this is what she would say "i really miss Scooby, it is really sad he's dead" Jawdropping! and it tore my sister and me up EVERY time, and she said it with this grating baby voice and I just wanted to pop her in her mouth, I finally put a stop to that, but when anyone or any living thing dies, she does and says stuff like that ALL the time. And she also is VERY good at putting on the water works, over ANYTHING. All I ever hear from my fiancee is how she's just a little girl and maybe I'm just being too hard on her, he is oblivious to it all as well and it sucks, like I ALWAYS tell him, "I am TIRED of feeling like the bad guy" and I really am, I honestly can't stand this kid, I've been around MANY children in my life, and I don't think there has EVER been a kid that rubbed me this wrong. Now she has just recently started this thing where when she gets a new outfit she says to me "I bet you're jealous!" or will ask "Are you jealous?" Finally, I said to her, "I am a GROWN UP, I can do what I want, when I want and however I want, and I can also wear ANYTHING I want too, and I have MANY cute things, therefore, I have NO reason to be jealous of you, nor am I." All said with a cocky smile of course and she just sat there and looked as if she was about to cry because I had just told her I WAS NOT JEALOUS, what I really wanted to say was something like "NO I am definitely NOT jealous, if anything, I think it's YOU who is jealous of ME, I get to see your Dad EVERY SINGLE DAY!" And I think that is part of her problem with me, but it's not my fault, I have stood in Court with that Man every time his ex wife has pulled something, I have helped him to fight FOR HER in court, I make him fight to see her when his ex is trying to keep her away from us, I do more for her than I have for my own Son and yet, I'm the bitch. Her Mother runs me down to her all the time, and once I said to my SD " Ya know, I could care less if your Mom doesn't like me, because the feeling is mutual!" and she said all defensive like "Well my mom don't like you!" and I smiled real big and said "Good, she doesn't have to, because I REALLY don't like her either, and when you act like her, I can't stand it!" she had nothing to say. I think the part that irritates me the most, is in front of me she acts her age and does what she is told, but when my fiancee or his family around that's when she starts acting up with her baby talk, and glistening of the eyes as she intentionally swells them up with tears to get her way, I honestly don't know how much I can deal with.

Mama C