Step Talk

I'd like to start with a public apology about my last post...where I sort of lost it at the end. *sigh* It just came out of me....the pain, anger, regret, the lost hope.

It's stupid, really; I never wanted to be a friggin' saint or anything. No, I wanted to be Mary Poppins. You know, a good mommy-person that added light and fun and life lessons here and there.

Time to tidy up...spoon full of sugar. All that good stuff.
But maybe without the chimney sweeps and the roof-top dancing; I'm scared of heights and hate being dirty.

Oh well.

I think back at my intentions in taking this girl in and making her mine. I was no naive. I thought that every little girl needs a mommy, and every mommy needs a girl. I thought I could maker her life better...and make her feel happy again. It wasn't her fault she was robbed of so much. Ya know?

I didn't want to be paid, or to be glorified. I didn't want a pat on the back, or even a thank you from her or anyone else.

You know what I wanted? I wanted to be her mom, hard as nails when needed and soft and sweet when needed...until she turned 18.

Then....then I wanted to be her friend.

We would shop for the holidays. We would make a turkey together. We'd shop for her wedding...her home...her babies.

I imagined being in my fifties....sitting at home and reading. The phone rings and I answer, and it's my little girl...asking for advice on making the best meatloaf or some shit like that. I'd tell her, and she'd say, "Thanks mom! I'll let you know how it went!"

Those dreams are gone. I no longer have any illusions about how she sees me, or how things will play out. I've been blessed with two wonderful sons of my own, and that is enough, because my dream of having a girl is over. I will never have that.

The boys are more than enough, though, so please don't think I am ungrateful. Some people aren't lucky enough to have even one child. I had two.

I guess I just mourn an idea, some damned dream.

Anyway, I am making this post, primarily, for those of you who have opened up your hearts and spent your time in the world I've been jotting down.

None of you had to read any of it. Yet, lots of you have stuck with it. You folks are amazing. Truly amazing.

You deal with everything I deal with, plus some....and you make room in your days/nights for me and others.

I am in awe tonight, and my hope in people is getting restored.

So, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'll be back in the next day or two to post more about my story, tonight though, I just wanted to show my gratitude.