Scared...
Hi, I am engaged to be married and I am excited and scared.. Lately, it has been more scared then anything. I am dating a great guy who is a wonderful father. We have been dating for 3.5 years, with a 6 month break. We dated for 6 months and then we broke up for 6 months, when he decided to get back together with his ex. We broke up because his ex found out we were dating and she decided to break up her third marriage to get back together with him. He says the only reason why he went back was for the kids. At times I can understand that and other times I feel like it is just an excuse. However, I have tried to tell myself that he chose me and I am the one with the ring, but on bad days that doesn't get me through the day.
He has 2 daughters with her that he has 90% of the time. She never wants them and it is not uncommon for her to text 5 minutes before they are to be dropped off and say she can't take them. I miss just being with him and us trying to get back to just us being us. We use to only have them 50% of the time.
There were plenty of times that he would not bring me around or invite me for the sake of the kids and he didn't want the situation to be uncomfortable for them. He sometimes would go into her home when dropping them off or picking them up or go over to her house for B-Day parties and such.. Given our past I had a very hard time understanding that and putting my feelings aside for the sake of the kids.. My postion is, you had children with her and you are divorced so take responsibility for it. You are a divorced parent and because of that you will miss things in your childrens lives. The kicker is when it is convenient for her to look go or is feeling lonely she uses her kids to feel better so then she wants them. I get frustrated that she does not respect our time and that she pretty much does whatever the hell she wants. Then on the flip side I feel bad because I know the girls are better off with us, but then I don't get that time. Also, the girls hate going there. Most the time they say they don't want to go..
The ex is a horrible person! She has been married and divorce 3 times, 2 children with my BF and 1 with the man she cheated on him with and married, for which she left to get back with him.. How disfunctional is that.. I am having a hard time letting go of our past and I sometimes see too much of her in the girls to the point I can't handle being around.
The youngest adores me and often times tells me she loves me more then her mom. The oldest who is 11 resembles her mom a great deal. Although, she can be really nice at times she can be really nasty. Both girls are not how I would raise my kids and I feel like I have to just sit back and bite my tongue a lot of time. I try and tell my BF, but sometimes it seems like he cares and others not so much.
Recently, I was going out of town for work and we went to lunch before I had to go to the airport. All I wanted to do is sit by him and receive a little affection before I was going to be gone for 5 days. As usually the youngest sat with me and the oldest sat with him.. As usually I am sitting there watching his 11 year old hang on him like she was his girlfriend or something. I sit there and think I don't ever remember wanting to hang on my father like that. I think I would have thought it was weird and I came from a very close family that told eachother we loved each other everyday and gave hugs and kisses before we left. But coddling my father was never one of my interest.. I feel angry a lot for not having the time with him and I want him to want to make time for us without me asking. I don't want to feel second, thrid, or fourth.. And I am definately tired of feeling like his ex's feelings or lack there of come before mine..
Help.. If anyone has any advice I am all ears... Thanks!
I have been with DH 9 years,
I have been with DH 9 years, 3 years married. I still feel like I am second to the rotten kid and third to the EX. The kid, SS17, is always with us. We didn't even go a honeymoon because I didn't want the kid to come. The last 2 vactions I went alone because I didn't want to share a hotel room with the kid. We don't do anything unless the kid is with us because DH doesn't want to leave him out. I wrote a lot of this. Then we have the evil BM....all what DH seems to care about is keeping her happy. I can't tell you how many times we took the kid on MY birthday when it was her weekend because she had to go to NASCAR. I have spent years covering up for her, while throwing myself under the bus to save her in front of the kid.
It's a tough call....if you are bothered by it now.....it might get worse. I have put up with this for years, at first I thought he was awesome enough to deal with this but now the traits that made him awesome are begining to drain me...we are second wives....that is the place we take.....second to the first family. It's not easy. For me it was a horror show in the beginning, that died down and we had some calm years now it has changed and its more difficult for me now than it was then. It was reinforced once again that I will always be second. I'm tired of it.
You can look forward to at
You can look forward to at least ten more years of the same. If you're tired of it now, think how you will feel in another year or two or ten. Is a life of biting your tongue what you really want? You two need to be talking about the kids a LOT and working stuff out *together* so you can feel more comfortable and not be afraid to walk down the aisle. Don't do it if you have any doubts because it is incredibly hard even when a person is sure of what they are doing.
Oh my, I know how you feel.
Oh my, I know how you feel. My husband and I now have full custody of his two children and it seems as though we never get time alone. I was scared too marrying a man with two children and an ex that can't let go and on a daily basis harasses him. I was afraid of how I would fit, and let me tell you its not easy. Not at all. I often tell him "this is not what I signed up for". Some days are worse than others. But, you need to really take a look at yourself and say can I do this. If you have serious doubts now...don't do it. If you think you come last now don't do it. Once you get married usually many of these feelings are amplified. I love my husband and he means the world to me. And I know all of this is worth it. HE is my soul mate and the Love of my life. He loves me and really does try and put me first as much as he can. He always says..." I need you, I love you, and I dream of the day the kids are grown and self sufficient and I can have you to myself again." That makes me smile becasue he also is having a dificult time with the fact that we can't alawys be alone and do the things we want. So take a long hard looka t yourself, look at your fiance and be honest with yourself and him. If you can take it, don't put yourself through that hurt. If you think he really si the one go for it and enjoy "THIS" life.
Good Luck!
You are not alone, I am
You are not alone, I am scared also, feel like second fiddle to sd9 all the time.........love dh dearly, but he is a guiltzilla. bm never shows for visitation.............sd9 is always wanting attention. You are rite it hurts to take backseat ......to sd, when you do everything for them, yet they still are jealous and constantly wanting attention. Just praying dh will set some sort of schedule for visitation with crazy bitch bm...........we now are at her mercy for a sitter, sd will not stay with anyone except mom or dad at nite. bm is a joke.........soooooooooo....we have only been married 2 mnths and have sd9 up my ass all the time!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH