WW's picture

I HATE BEING A STEP PARENT

I am so happy to have found this site. and have a place to vent...in a lot of ways i'm lucky, my SD says she loves me, she's a good girl with a good heart, but I resent her...she lives with us part time...and the older she becomes and the more she looks and acts like her mother, the more i resent her...I resent that she has her whole life in front of her and thanks to me working my ass off it's a good life...living between two homes she has the benefit of both... vacations, wardrobes, nights out...I resent that anything I have/get/work for i need to share with her (according to my husband) he expects me to love her the same as I love my children but it will never happen...If I didn't have children with my husband I would leave him b/c i'm tired of living his and his daughter's life...I want my own life...with a man who puts me first...I want to live my own life not jump into my husband's life with his daughter...I want to go to events and not have his ex-girlfriend around...I want to pick up my phone and not worry that it's BM on a rant...I want to run my house and raise my kids the way I want and not play babysitter to someone else's kid...even if she is a good kid...I am angry, frustrated and full of resentment...so here I am in a life I never anticipated...not knowing how to come to peace with my choice 9 yrs ago to get involved with a man with a kid...and yes I know it was my choice...but do any of us ever really know what we're getting into??? I screwed up...I don't think I have what it takes to be in this type of marriage...you wouldn't know it from the outside...i am constantly getting praised for how good I am with my SD...this is because I still know what the right thing to do is...I am responsiblie for her and I take it seriously...I just wish I could be more at peace with my situation and more happy with the life I chose...any advise would be greatly appreciated


goingcrazy's picture

Be grateful

that you have a loving and good SD. Many of the women here have been cursed with stepkids that ruin their lives. I think it kind of petty for you to resent a child because she looks like her mother. My SD is the spitting image of her mom. SHe is beautiful. I can't stand her mom, but I am mature enough to admit that she is gorgeous. I think instead of dwelling on what you want, consider what you have. Maybe if you look at this child as a bonus from God, then you won't mind doing all the things that you do for you own. I guess I could understand if said she was hateful and destroying lives. Or that DH was a horrible person. But it sounds like he is a good father who wants to make sure ALL of kids are treated equally. Kudos to him!

I am sorry that you got into a situation that you are not happy in. I think in life we never know where we are going to end up. And yes you deserve to be happy. But it sounds to me that you are doing the same thing I am guilty of. I focused so much on the little bad things and what my daughter was doing without in order to allow for the "outsider" stepchild. Then when I was faced with losing SD, it hit me like a rock. I love this child as if she were my own. And the material items that I have to spend my extra money on are nothng in comparison to the meaning of family that I am instilling in my children. Yes, I have the drama. I have extreme drama from the etnire maternal family. But I have adjusted my views to see all of the positives. I have a second child that loves me and needs me. What is better than that?

"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head." ...Martin Mull

luvdagirl's picture

uphill battle

We ALL deal with the Birth Mothers and rarely have I seen anyone say how pleasant it is I personally enjoy caller ID. I agree it could be worse your SD could be almost impossible or very troubled like so many children in these situations. My SD does look alot like BM and at the peak of my dislike for BM it bothered me but I came to realize that if the looks are all she gets from BM I can live with that when compared to the other traits. I intentionally went for a man with a child as I wasn't supposed to be able to have them and had fallen for my SD as quickly as I did for DH. I love the commitment that he has to his children I think if he wasn't to them how could he commit to anyone.Have you felt this way for all 9 years or did an event trigger it? If you think about it you're closer than most to only having to see BM at big Occassions and no real contact otherwise so don't let her(BM) intrude on any relationship just (as much as possible) forget the BM exists, I do unless I have to acknowledge the female. Good Luck!

There is no reason where logic does not exist

QUINJAI3's picture

it's a hard thing.

i think being a step parent is one of the hardest jobs ever, exspecially if there is complications resulting in long court battles or other major issues. i also feel that regardless if the little one or not so little ones are well behaved or not at a certain point the fact that they are not yours biologically and you are not theirs it becomes hard to be in a parenting role for them. my hubby and i have experienced many dramas due to this fact alone. i can understand how you feel that you can't love her the same as your own but i do give you credit for saying you still know what is the right thing to do for her. i can't say if this is going to get easier or harder as time goes by but as long as you feel you are doing the best thing for your self and your children your doing a great job....

Anne 8102's picture

First of all, WELCOME!

First of all, WELCOME! Hopefully, you'll find that dumping all your crap here makes life a lot easier to live.

All parents need to make kid-free time to connect with each other. I know it's hard... my DH and I haven't had a kid-free night in a long time and we're not in a good place. I wonder if your husband paid more attention to you and the two of you had some special time to focus solely on each other, if that wouldn't lessen the resentment you feel towards your SD. I don't think this is really about the SD at all, is it? Is it more lack of a connection with your DH? Maybe you could try approaching your DH and letting him know that you don't think you are setting a good example, marriage-wise, for any of the kids, because the marriage isn't the first priority. A happy marriage = happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids and skids. People who sacrifice the marriage for the kids are sending the kids an unhealthy message about how to conduct their own relationships in the future.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

mom-like's picture

What an honest letter

I personally feel that most days I love being a stepmother (I, too, have a great SD) but I can also say that I have felt all those feelings at some point. I agree with Anne -- it sounds like you maybe need to feel like a priority. Sounds like you're doing all sacrifice and need some love, attention and gratitude. You should talk to DH about it, and maybe he can plan a special date for the two of you.

Sebbie's picture

I do not believe we really ever know what we are getting in to..

Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.

In regard's to every area of life, we make the choices we make based upon the information we have aquired up to the point that the given decision need's to be made and we utilize our emotions as well to make these decisions. Unfortunatly, our information can be flawed, biased and not quite accurate and our emotions can be just plain overwhelming when we feel we are seeing happiness(or at the very least, what we BELIEVE to be happiness), staring us in our faces. Nothing can or will ever be able to give us the complete forsight we would love to have to know that circumstances are going to change and those changes may result in outcome's that we neither want or feel capable of handeling. The only thing we are left with once agian is the ability to make a choice again....We can chose to make changes in ourselves to accomodate the outside changes effecting our lives, or we can chose to walk away, and start our lives with new choices and decisions..but agian it will be only a partially informed choice as we still will have limited knowledge of what our future will hold. Most importantly are the choices made by those we include in our lives, and how those choices are going to affect us. It sounds to me like you have made decisions for your life that you are not happy with at this time , and the changes that you dh has made and asks you to make as well(treating all the children equally) are causing some turmoil for you. The most unwise decisions we make are those we make based upon emotions alone. Attempt to see things from your dh's view. Overall it sounds as if you have a good man who is considerate of everyone's feelings and happiness, a good sd who has made a smooth cross over into your's and dh's lives and has made your home her home, (which is a wonderful thing). Your emotions are getting the better of you if you allow little things (like the fact that sd looks like bm) get to you. I understand that you feel like your life isnt your own, that you are living it for everyone else around you, but in essesence, we live our lives for other's no matter what path we chose. The key here is to MAKE time for your self , to put aside funds to utilize on yourself(and dh and biokids if you want as well) and then to not only recognize that you and YOUR FAMILY require that personal time. Dealing with the bm is a pain in the ass for us all, the key is to distance yourself as much as possible as she is your dh's problem, not yours. Try taking a mini vacation for just yourself, get introspective, learn more about what is good in your world rather than focusing on the little bad things. I believe you have found a wonderful place to vent, with alot of women(and some men) here to give some great advice. How you CHOOSE to apply the advice you recieve will agian be your decision.

WW's picture

one year later

Hi again...it's been one year since i last wrote...I want to thank you again for your heartfelt responses...their insight and accuracy blew me away...i'm happy to be back amongst you...you are an amazing group of women...and I am thankful for a place to vent...WW

Sita Tara's picture

Oh man...I feel this post right now

I have been up all night due to a suspicion proved true that SD has been sneaking out at night.

Of course this is the FIRST time she really did (yeah right.)

I love my DH so much, but if we don't get her under control I am afraid her behavior will escalate to the point of not giving me a choice. She does whatever she wants, rules and consequences be damned. When caught her only regret is that we always manage to catch her, but it's an exhausting state of existence, always trying to figure out what she's trying to get away with, what she's plotting with her 2 best friends who are just as bad as she is.

I have heard the last four years from my family, DH's family, SD's teachers/principal, SD's psychologist, what a fabulous job I am doing with her, how wonderful I am as a SM.

I feel like a fraud. Or maybe just a chump. I am always giving her another chance.

Because like you mentioned here, I resent her now. I resent that my children have to come second due to her need to provoke drama, her insatiable appetite for attention, her impulsiveness, manipulative nature.

I am never relaxed now that she is not going to her mom's at all as BM is constantly canceling more and more of her visitation.

I don't think your post was petty at all. It was honest and heartfelt, and there are times when I think I will mourn the loss of a normal nuclear family for the rest of my life. I guess I will at least as long as SD is determined to make me suffer for her mother's inadequacies.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra