Step Talk

sounds like maybe the priorities need to be re-arranged in your life/marriage/family? i''m a big believer in (1) strong self, (2) strong marriage = strong kids. if you're not taking care of yourself and finding some time to unwind alone and then also finding time to spend with your partner, it's not surprising that you don't want to have sex with him. families aren't supposed to be all about the kids - they are PART of the family and a RESULT of a strong relationship. if you flip that all around, then everything gets out of whack. the kids would much rather be around loving, affectionate parents than those who are too hasseled to pay attention to each other.

it can be re-arranged and priorities can change - you just have to want it badly enough. also, keep in mind - men want sex to feel connected to you and their emotional bonding is usually the result of a healthy sex life (which then makes them more likely to want to help you out). i'm NOT saying you should do it for that reason alone, but if you continually push him away from what motivates him in a loving relationship, it will be an uphill battle to get what you want.

it probably starts with having an honest conversation with your partner and not playing the "stay at home mom" victim (ie, "i do everything, you never help"). it won't get you very far... start out by telling him that you really want to be with him, but need some assistance in some other areas first. then go from there.

just my 2 cents....(oh yea, this really only applies if you like sex and miss having it. some women don't like it - that's a different problem entirely).

without the emotions? Have you two really sat down and laid everything out on the table, without accusing each other of this or that, but rather, this is how I feel? This is what I want... be specific... be blunt. Write a letter and send it to him via email, or leave it somewhere for him to see.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

In answer to your question Texas..no you are not alone! After the birth of our baby boy almost 2 years ago I was not wanting to have sex, understandable after giving birth. But weeks rolled into months and I still didn't get my mojo back and DH didn't know why..in fact neither did I.

In my situation SS & BM weren't just a day here and there of drama it was an everyday 3 times a day effect add DH's whole family poking the drama into the mix and there was huge issues! It took a big talk with Dh to see that was what was really the problem, we were so tangled up in that emotional mess that we forgot about each other. We make time to spend together now without the mess and my mojo is on the mend! As stepmom, said maybe a letter or at least a deep and meaningful, there is more to it than DH not helping out enough. When you talk to him, you may get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do. What is your situation with the Skids?

And to the anonymous dill...I so hate people saying 'and you wonder why they cheat??!!' If your husband cheats because you are not putting out then he is an arsehole and doesn't love you anyway! Do you love your husband? If he didn't give you a bit when you wanted it would you play up on him? People go through different things at different times and what do your vows say....I will put out when he says or he can root suzy at number 54, hey thats a great idea!! DUH!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

I agree with StepMom on this one. Okay, this may be TMI, but it's a revelation for me ... my EX and I had a great sex life until he gained too much weight (I did too) and neither of us were sexually attracted to one another anymore - we'd have sex once a month or so. As the relationship dwindled, so did the sex. At first I thought this was okay, we were intimate in other ways, always snuggling, loving each other, holding hands, telling each other we loved each other, etc.

Okay, moving on to current marriage ... great sex life until DH has surgery (okay, not his fault), but during that 6-weeks that we couldn't have sex ... our relationship was VERY rocky. Of course there were other factors ... pain, medications, etc ... but it was rocky! As soon as we could start having sex again (and I mean this happened almost immediatly), our relationship took an upward turn. Being able to have sex again DID bring us closer, and strengthend our relationship ... the pain is still there ... he's still on pain medication ... but I find I am more tollerant of his behaviors, and vice versa.

Now, as for your "dilema" of not having time, or desire. Make the time, make the desire. I'm self employed so I work all the time ... but my schedule is flexible. I often find myself working from after dinner until the wee morning hours. I realized that EVERYTHING, for the most part, can wait 30 minutes while I have sex with DH ... nothing should come before that.

I didn't see where you have a job outside the home. Forgive me if this seems old fashioned, but if you don't have a job outside the home, then your job IS to take care of the family and the home. If you worked outside the home then I'd expect DH to contribute more, but he's working outside the home - you are working inside the home. You are still sharing the "household responsibilities" just in different ways.

I think you should express to DH that although this may be your "job" it is still nice when he helps you out around the house. If you put the kids to bed, maybe he could put the dishes in the dishwasher while you are putting the kids in bed. I also have to ask you ... have you ASKED your DH to help you out, or are you expecting him to read your mind. Contrary to popular belief, men cannot read our minds, no matter how many years we've been together.

I'm not sure if my perspective helps any, and I'm sorry if I said anything that offended anyone, but ... that's what this site is all about ... sharing ideas!!!

~ Katrina

I agree a lot with Katrina
I don't understand what helping out around the house has to do with making love to your husband... I work and my husband works, he works out of town a lot so most of the house work is left up to me and the kids. But I look forward to going to bed with him weather it is cuddling or sex it doesn't matter. Having sex to me is an expression of love. I could not imagine not wanting to be with him just because he didn't do a load of laundry. could there be an underlying problem????

Maybe try asking I know when I work on a weekend and Dh is home he and the kids try to have the house picked up before I get home but sometimes I will just ask "Hey would you unload the dishwasher for me this morning" you will be amazed at the response you may get.

Sorry if I upset anyone.

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

A SAHM might have the responsibility of the home, the day-to-day care of the kids and other issues, etc., but it doesn't mean that when DH comes home, he gets to tune everything and everyone out and expect DW to continue busting her ass while he sits and relaxes with a drink. He works all day, she works all day, and when he gets home in the evening, they should share the responsibilities of the house and the kids. It's a matter of respect. IF DH doesn't think enough of DW to act like an adult and lift a finger for himself and the family after work, or whenever his partner asks him to, can anyone really blame her for not wanting to give up an hour or so of precious rest or "ME" time to satisfy him? That's unfair.

"Oh yeeeeeeeeeah baby, you're so sexy when you sit on your fat ass and watch me run my ass ragged and it gets me SO HOT when you totally ignore my pleas for help and expect me do deal with everything around this place. YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH RIGHTTHERE!!!!!!!"

Please. I don't blame you at all. Some people can screw right through a major emotional sh*tstorm in the relationship, others can't even cuddle when there's been a trivial arguement. Stepmom was right that you should sit down with DH and talk about it when you're not faced with the situation at hand. Less emotion and more clarity. Let him know how it makes you feel when he takes you for granted and what YOU need for him to do in order to rectify it. And you know, little hints of what YOU might be willing to offer him might persuade him to change his tune, if you catch my drift

Yes, taking care of the home and kids is exhausting. I too am self employed. I run a full time business, am raising two kids who have a very demanding schedule at school because of their excellence in academics, have a weekly girl scout troop, am helping DH start another company, caring for an ill parent who just had to move in with me.... But I ALWAYS make time for DH. Because even when he is not giving 100% and we are bickering at each other, I take a minute and think about it. What if I really needed to be intimate with him. What if I was feeling that need for closeness from him that come from making love with him and he turned me down. Day in and day out he told me that he was too tired because he worked all day. I would feel rejected. So I always make the time. Are you so tired that a simple quicky is too much? If you are that unsatisfied, then maybe the two of you need to explore new ideas in your sex life so it isn't you rolling over unsatisfied. I doubt there is any man out there that is going to say HELL NO when his wife comes to him and says I want us to try this or that. I want to have a kick ass sex life. Most men would probably pass out from shock.

He is working just like you. He chose to go to work, you chose to stay home and work. I don't think either of you work harder, just different. Enjoy your husband and if he isn't rocking your world in bed, help show him what you need. Have one helluva "Big O" and release some of that pent up stress you have. If running the house is overwhelming you that much, maybe you should look into finding a mom's day out program at a local church or a frined who would alterate playdates so you can take some you time. Take a little bit for yourself, pamper yourself, get your hair done, do a little shopping for some sexy lingerie. Make yourself feel sexy and like a lady. You are JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR DH,KIDS, HOME.... don;t be upset with your husband for wanting you. He WANTS YOU!!! Not someone else. You are obviously still doing it for him! Great sex will lead to a better marriage which will lead to happier parents making happier children, etc, etc, etc

Hugs to you because I understand your point. I was like you in my first marriage. YUCK

Putting aside petty or even day-to-day type disagreements is one thing, but why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who is fundamentally disappointing them? That's what I'm hearing on this post, a disappointment in the partnership, not just being tired with all the duties that life brings. My own DH is in the doghouse right now for violating my basic expectations about our marriage (which were based on express agreements, yes grown up discussions, prior to marriage) and marginalizing my role in his life. I won't go into detail here except to say, I think there's a huge difference between just being tired, whether you work at home or out of the house, and being fundamentally disappointed in your partner. Just my two cents.

I'm a SAHM, so my "job" is all the household crap. But the household crap that I consider my job is the household crap generated by me, my husband and my children. I don't consider it my job to do any household crap generated by my stepchildren. I do a lot for them, because I want to, but I don't think it's my obligation to make sure they are fed, clothed, washed and cleaned up after. The responsibility for the skids and their various messes belongs to the skids and their father, not their stepmother.

Texas has four children, the youngest of which is 13, and six stepchildren, the youngest of which is 9. I have no idea how many live there full time, but I do know that not a single one of them is too young to pitch in and help out. And their father should be beaten with a horsewhip for not pointing this out to them.

I don't think any of this is about attraction or time or whatever. It's about one person doing all the giving and feeling unappreciated and, believe me, I can relate.
~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

These are all wonderful replies and I really enjoyed reading them. They make me take a hard look at how I feel and what is really going on and I think it's clearer now. What this isn't about is sex really, its about giving of yourself to one another, and in my situation I feel like I am doing ALL the giving and he is doing all the receiving and he usually only gives when he has an agenda. Regarding our sex life, up until his kids moved in with us it was great. We recently went on vacation this summer and no problems. But when we got back home it was things back to usual which is I do way too much and he doesn't do anything unless I nag him about it. By the time we crawl into bed, I have nothing left to give.

Sure, if I want to have sex just to have sex, no problem. But unfortunately that doesn't work for me. Its not that I don't love him, it's just that I feel totally and completely taken for granted!

First of all, I agree with you. He made the mistake of getting into a relationship that resulted in children that are not yours. That alone is his responsibility. Is he making sure you don't have to work, all the bills are paid, your financial future is secure, your number 1. If not, his kids can f/o. Sex is like anything else....you have the right to like it or not. Just like anything else in life. I really feel sorry for these women that post the man should find another woman because he is not getting his bigger brain satisfied. Wow, how pathetic, I myself feel finances, my life, my spouse, children ect are #1, oh and yes even my pets over a simple sex act, LMAO.
My opinion is, to stop doing all those things and he will be forced to be a equal partner. Really why do you? Do you work outside the home? If so then he needs to do his 50%, and if your not married then those children are his 100%, sorry live in's don't count in real life and more importantly in the court system. Of course you don't want to have sex, you have many resentments because you've let this smuck take advantage of you. Even the playing field, and make him accountable for his poor choices.
Do what my friend did, had a guy just like that and got pregnant and when he decided he didn't like being responsible; he had to pay her child support for 22 years. In short, value yourself!!! If he doesn't like it when your too tired after picking up his slack, then get him a blow up dolly and tell him to get over it!!

just stopping and guess what....then stuff just doesnt get done!

We Men are by Nature less verbally/emotionally expressve than Women, but More Physically Expressve. As a Rule, One of, if Not The Primary Way We Show Affection, is Making Love, Kisses, Caresses,Playful Swats on the behind,etc.

Let's be realistic about "helping with cleaning" etc. How many times when We do Try to do it, do We hear how We didn't do it "right" (read exactly the way You do) which isn't real conducive to Us wanting to try again ? If there was more appreciation for Our Attempt, even if You would have done it differently, We would be more likely to try more often.

I know I probably Pissed Off most of You, with this, but Oh Well, It needed to be said. I have not been posting as much as I used to for quite a while, because I was tired of Hearing Man-Bashing here and at home. So Say and Do Your Worst Girls, I have decided that when I see and hear it I will Say My Piece, and consequences Be Damned.

I recently counseled a freind that if She wasn't Happy with certain things then She needed to Make The Hard Choice, as I Have to Deal With Problems rather than "Letting It Go" and Hoping they fix themselves.

Steve

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL