Step Talk

Well, if divorce is a disgrace, then almost half of our society should hang their heads in shame.

What a silly, idiotic statement to make. And can only be made by those who have either married the right person the first time, or lived a life of misery and unhappiness.

Divorce could/should NOT be used as an excuse for a child's behavior. Ever. Just my opinion, but once you give the child that excuse, he will continuously use it to his advantage. Manipulation is not learned, it is instict. I really hope that your ss has not overheard his mother using that excuse! Oh, how easy it is to blame a divorce rather than look at our parenting skills.

A decision to divorce where children are involved is never easy. Regardless of the reasons, we struggle with guilt during and after our decision to divorce.

If a child is biting his mother, but does not display that behavior in your environment, it is NOT because he doesn't want to disappoint his father. It's because he doesn't feel the need to act that way. That alone, tells us something, doesn't it?

Good luck! Keep us posted!

Hugs,
Janice

(PS: Please tell your father-in-law that there is only one that may judge us. And he is NOT Him!)

When I was married to my first husband, I too believed for far too long that divorce was a 'bad' thing. My mother had divorced three times (which is too many)and I was determined not to be like her.

But after 18 years and two teenage kids, I could not stay anymore in a loveless, dead and decaying relationship that both of us stayed in to not become a 'statistic'. It was me who got the guts to finally say enough is enough and leave. In fact I moved interstate to get away from the EH - it was necessary to make the break permanent.

At the time of course, the divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now, three years on, I know that it was the BEST thing that I ever did for MYSELF. Yes it was hard on my kids, but they got over it in time and are reasonably normal and getting on with their young adult lives.

My EH is still unhappy, simply because he REFUSED TO CHANGE HIS ATTITUDE towards himself and his life. On the other hand, I am NOW HAPPY AS A PIG IN (YOU KNOW WHAT) and about to marry a man whom I love more than any man I have ever known.

I still have problems, my man has an EW who is quite crazy and bitter that he is happy now and she is still alone (she left him). Their kids have not faired quite as well as my bio kids in adjusting to the many changes they have been through in the last six years.

Despite all that, and the continual 'drama of the EW', WE ARE HAPPY.

Try to focus on what you DO have. IGNORE as much as possible the crap from the EW. They just LOVE THE DRAMA they cause.

At least the distance factor is in your favour. Good luck and be happy.

Just keep smiling......................

Whatever. There are many people out there who live their lives based on some imaginary book of rules that simply has no relevance in reality. They have no sense of self, and no responsibility to their happiness. In turn, these martyrs demand that everone else follow suit. Yes, divorce sucks, and it's hard on everyone involved, but we all know that the alternative isn't much better. My parents have been married for 32 years and only in the past few have they even begun to get along, and even now, they simply tolerate one another more than they actually like being together. They share similar goals and values, and of course my sister and I, but that's where the connection ends. It's very sad because they are both good-hearted people who will never know what it's like to truly love and be loved by a partner. Their terrible fighting and dysfunctional bullsh*t scarred me as a young child and I still feel the ramifications of that at 28. I no longer point the finger or whine about what "they did to me" because I am an adult and my choices and behaviours are my responsibility alone, but I can say that I believe my life would have taken a drastically different direction had I not grown up in such a chaotic, negative environment. For christ's sake, at age 6 and 3 resp., my mom would come to my sister and I, crying and ask us what do to about her relationship.

Right, but it's divorce that's disgraceful.

Sure, the kids suffer during divorce. But they'd suffer being raised in a broken-down marriage much more. And honestly, I have to say that kids are just WAY catered to these days and it really needs to stop. Parents are killing themselves to give their kids the best of the best, ONLY the best new toys, ONLY the best schools, ONLY the best teams, ONLY the best camps. There is no such thing as "good" anymore--it's got to be THE BEST. Which, okay, great, nothing wrong with that inherently, but not when it's always at the expense of other people. Because unless you're wealthy, providing for these things is VERY difficult. Yet, if we don't, we're suddenly failures as parents. Kids are so priviledged these days, whihc is nice, but it's gotten out of hand. I can't tell you how many moms I know that cart their kids to every class, every team, every activity, and they themselves don't even have time to eat or relax, let alone spend time on their marriages. They are run ragged. But hell, as long as junior doesn't ever go without, because, GOD FORBID, he might actually feel bad for 5 seconds. Can't have that!

What's wrong with adversity?? Doesn't that prepare us for the real world, where everything isn't always peachy and just as we want it? As parents, we're made to feel that we're wrong for making our own happiness a priority, for ever doing anything for ourselves because we've got kids and "the kids come first." Of course our kids are our priorities. Of course they are important and our jobs are to raise them to become caring, intelligent, capable people. But we're not perfect. And regardless of whether or not divorce is actually more beneficial to the kids, if it's beneficial to the parents, it's GOING to have a positive effect on the children. A happy parent is a happy child. When did it become wrong to make ourselves happy too?

Sorry...but this is a major hot-button issue for me. I am a mother who loves her daughter more than life, but I am still a person too. I was married to a man who was willing to sacrifice his happiness and mine, the woman he pledged to spend his life with, all to please a small child and "always put him first." Sorry, but...that's bulls*hit. And no one has the right to tell me that I am a disgrace for not allowing it any longer. And no one should tell it to YOU or YOUR husband either.

What a cruel statement. Though it's very unfortunate that children are often collateral damage of a messy divorce, it's the ADULTS who are responsible for making sure their kids get through it, adjust and move forward. Though divorce is hard on children, living in a nightmare "nuclear" family home that's toxic in my opinion, is much worse! Why is it we're driven to teach our children to be co-dependent door-mats to avoice the "disgrace of divorce"? I realized that myself.... Example:

My divorce was a $100k nightmare. I was sued for alimony, he was cheating with multiple partners, abusive physcially, would spit and scream in my face, beat me up in front of corporate executives, was a progressive alcoholic, etc. The fights and physical altercations my DD - now 10 - witnessed were by far much more damaging than me divorcing him, getting out, and now being remarried 3 years later to an amazing man, who loves my children as his own. Did I make the right decision to "get out" of that marriage?? Heck yes!! The disgrace would have been staying.

But if you're going to go through the divorce process, I firmly believe we as parents have a responsibility to our children to help them through the adult decisions that are thrust upon them.

1. Kids should be given open access to counseling during and after the divorce process to learn how to deal with the transition, anger, and learn to express themselves.
2. Parents, under no circumstances, should burden their children with adult matter. If it's not about fun, food, school, etc. DON'T TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT!!
3. Listen to the children. Give them extra attention when they most need it.
4. Stop being so freakin' self-involved and get off the pity-pot. Parents need to take into account the needs of the kids going through the process and stop feeling so sorry for themselves.
5. Physically and emotionally take care of yourself so you will be healthy enough to care for your own children.

I'll tell ya. My divorce was horrific...I lost 35 lbs in the first 30 days of the separation because of all the stress...but because I made it my mission to make sure they'd get through this as unscathed as possible, my children are well-adjusted, happy kids who know they are loved.

all of you have wonderful takes on this situation. i read your replies and i swear it empowers me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. thank you all...i will keep u updated.

My BF's older brother who used to be really "tight" (i guess it takes a divorce to REALLY know who your true friends and relatives are) totally DISOWNED his OWN brother and took sides with the BM!!!!

Unbe-friggin-lievable!!!

My BF was born to much older parents on their second marriage who happened to die relatively young from cancer, so BF has been w/o his parents since in his twenties. Really a sad situation b/c even though BF's parents were totally tough love (which I wholeheartedly agree with) and disciplinarians to the max (something I also think today's spoiled skids who use divorce as an excuse for bratty behaviour sorely need); they are not around to "even out" the situation.

The skids are only exposed to BM's twisted side of the family (maternal grandmother completely wrecked BM with PAS too!!) and for BF's brother to wuss out and turn into a BM and ex-MIL bot, well that is really too bad for the skids IMHO!