TheOtherMom's picture

This Might Explain Some Step Parents' Hatred for Their Step Children

Okay it is wikipedia but it sparked my interest.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

I think it stems from deeply rooted jealousy?

TheOtherMom's picture

THAT is understandable.

THAT is understandable.

"Never teach a puppy something you wouldn't want a grown dog to do," - Cesar Milan.

The same can be said for children - NEVER teach a child something you don't want an adult to do.

Bringembach's picture

I logged on for support and

I logged on for support and for answers to the whole blended family and I'm a little upset with the whyning 40year old women ranting about how some kid ruined there life or marriage. You knew the guy had a kid you stepped up to play ball. When you say children I'm assuming you mean a kid. A kid who has no conscious or any means to interpret any negative feelings or basically any way to fathom all the bullshit reasons you pin on the kids. Maybe you couldn't ever love them like ur "bios" but for god sake you entered there home and you wanna call he kids out? Fuck that. Take the pair you took from ur passive husband and try em on. People like you cause drug addicts and cause people to feel like tourists in there home. Those kids will has yu to thank for a shirty self esteem and a wonderful model of a mother

ESM's picture

Dear Bringembach, Let me

Dear Bringembach,

Let me start out by saying I know each and every one of us here enjoyed trying to understand and some truly value your humblest of opinions. However, speaking on behalf of many, I really don't think it is too much to ask that you initiate a spell & grammar check prior to posting your hate infected drivel. It is difficult, and at times near to impossible to decipher your exact intent when your responding paragraph is suffering from dangling participles, run on sentences and just plain poor spelling. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m quite certain we would all learn to appreciate your opinion, if only we understood what you were trying to say.
On a positive note, you did spell the work ‘fuck’ correctly, unfortunately, it was included in a sentence fragment.
Huked on fonix werkt fer use.

Have a nice day

5101520a's picture

Oh, I just chuckled out loud.

Oh, I just chuckled out loud. I too am befuddled as to
why some of our posters think it's appropriate to cuss and rant and rave in a public forum. Maybe ignorance is bliss - or just plain stupid. Smiling

BLJ

ESM's picture

Hmmmmmm.....I was thinking it

Hmmmmmm.....I was thinking it was so much like my DH's 26 yo (not yet an adult) daughter Bitchula.

(I will attempt to use the spelling adopted by Bringembach so that she too can understand the thread)

Wah, wah, wah, but Daaaaaaaddddddd. I thot(sic) you lubbed(sic) mmmeeeeeeee moooorrrrreeee.

I want, I want, I want. Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee.

Mine, mine, mine.

Add in a few stomping feet, door slammings and eye rollings.

And people wonder why we drink! LOL

ESM's picture

DANG IT! And after all that I

DANG IT!

And after all that I forgot to ask was a 'shirty self esteem' was!

Maybe, light weight breezy and cotton?
Fleecy and warm?
Wooly, itchy and abrasive?
Stinky, dirty and filled with dander?

Enquiring minds need to know

5101520a's picture

hehe.

hehe. Smiling

BLJ

StepAside's picture

That whole article pissed me

That whole article pissed me off. Says nothing about the Disney Dad, or the common occurrence of outrageous behavior towards us (which is coddled, tolerated and sometimes even promoted) by our stepchildren.

The book, Stepmonster, describes to a "T" how these stepchildren feel jealous of us, and insecure. We, as adults and as women, have our hands tied behind our backs as we enter this hostile zone and our Dh's priority is only to protect his children from us. We are the only adults on the planet, who society tolerates total disrespectful behavior towards from children.

A child couldn't treat a mailman like they treat us, and get away with it. Yet, it's perfectly acceptable for these wounded children to cause total hell in our lives with zero consequences.

I think if, as the article suggests, stepmothers were being motivated by natural selection, more of us would eat our stepchildren. That's what would happen in the wild.

The majority of us go in, eager to blend and eager to please. Of course, that's most often seen as "meddling", or not knowing our place (last). Most of us reach out to our new skids in love and get our asses handed to us. We go against our natural instincts of natural selection, to go above and beyond to win over someone else's kids, and are maligned and hated the whole way.

This article makes it seem like most of us hate our stepkids. Total demonization, so typical. most of us have been hateED, and learned to disengage, for self-protection.

And I noticed, "Guilty Dad", or "Disney Dad" has no definition at all. How freaking fabulous! Of course, studies have been done on the stepmothers!! All eyes on her, as usual!! Nobody even mentions the father's contributions. Barf!

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

caregiver1127's picture

The article is from Wikipedia

The article is from Wikipedia - need I say more?!?!?!?!?!

the only advantage of the skids is that they are not microchipped, so if I ever drop them off on a lonely road-
no one can trace them back to me - wolfenstep

Thought for the day: Too many freaks, not enough circus's!

StepAside's picture

Hey CG! Haven't seen your

Hey CG! Haven't seen your posts in a while. I agree. Perhaps we should create a definition for "Disney Dads".

And I'd also like to see one for the "Snookie Syndrome".

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

caregiver1127's picture

Hey sent you a PM - yeah it

Hey sent you a PM - yeah it is funny but when we are little we are taught that some Prince Charming is going to ride up in a horse and save us and then when we have dated a bit and realize that there are a lot of jerks out there then I see the Cinderella story in a whole new light of how it really is unfair to set little girls up like that so young in life -

I will admit I never ever even thought about the stepmother or stepsisters they really were not even big of a deal when I was little or when I realized that it is all a fairy tale - I never thought oh that horrible stepmother - I just never really thought about her at all - until I became a stepmother and joined this site and then you realize how horrible they made them out to be even down to being ugly - which I find quite amusing because if you would see most of our BM's most people would say that our DH's married up!!! Most of us are so much better looking than our BM's and not the ugly monster's portrayed in Cinderella.

Disney Dads are fun but the whole concept of Disney is based on fantasy and make believe so if that is what all these fathers really want to be then can we hardly blame the children that are caught in the middle. It takes a real father in a real world to parent his child and have him grow up to be a contributing member of society and when these children become a burden rather than a benefit to society we all need to tell them they only have themselves to thank for what they created.

What about the PASing BM's or the Psycho BM's that we all have to deal with I wonder what Cinderella's BM would have been like if her father had divorced her and married the SM - would the SM be pretty and younger and how would the BM have acted when her daughter became the princess - would she have allowed the father and SM to see Cinderella - I don't know now that would be a more realistic view of today's world. I think people need to realize that Cinderella was written when women died and then the fathers remarried not people get married and for whatever reason it does not work out and then they divorce and remarry - this fairy tale is for the last century not this one.

Snookie - I don't even want to comment about - she is a legend in her own mind and one day the world will wake up and her fame will be up and then she will be looking around wondering where it all went because you know she won't have any money left over and all she will be is a fat middle aged orange Oompa Loompa. That whole series drives me nuts and the amazing part is that The Situation has actually turned this into millions of dollars for himself.

the only advantage of the skids is that they are not microchipped, so if I ever drop them off on a lonely road-
no one can trace them back to me - wolfenstep

Thought for the day: Too many freaks, not enough circus's!

Most Evil's picture

I think it is a deep rooted

I think it is a deep rooted jealousy - in the skid.

Often shared with and encouraged by the other parent.

But it is not politically correct to notice that or bring attention to it either.

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano

distorted reality's picture

Hmmm..... seems like

Hmmm..... seems like something got crossed here. Shouldn't it be 'Explaining some Step Childrens Hatred for Their Step Parents'???? Certainly appears more true since 'jealousy' is being used as the reasoning. Oh well, just how I see it.

"Too long a sacrifice, can make a stone of the heart."
~Yeats~

TheOtherMom's picture

I do not hate my stepchildren

I do not hate my stepchildren - they annoy me.
I noticed that all of you who posted are not people who have stated they HATE their children so I understand your responses.
I addressed that Wikipedia is not the most reliable source but I did check the references at the bottom of the page - most of them are parenting sites or adoption sites.
At any rate, it was interesting to see how it can all be spun up.

It takes an open mind to accept another woman's children into your "family circle."

"Never teach a puppy something you wouldn't want a grown dog to do," - Cesar Milan.

The same can be said for children - NEVER teach a child something you don't want an adult to do.

donna123's picture

Cinderella’s Stepmother

Cinderella’s Stepmother syndrome. It is not in Wikipedia--not really surprising.

http://www.steptalk.org/node/34746

I am of the view that most stepmothers don’t hate their stepchildren at all, and it is in fact the stepchildren that hate their stepmother and are encouraged to do so because of a seriously flawed social bias against stepmothers. I also think the terminology is wrong, but it would do well in juxtaposition with the Cinderella effect in search engines.

Why are stepmothers so hated? Here is what Dr. Wednesday Martin had to say and to me it hits the mark as close as any explanation I have read.

“Then it hit me: rage at stepmothers comes from a presumption of guilt. Forget about our legal system’s main and most democratic protection—the presumption of innocence. It doesn’t apply to stepmothers. People forget that it was the ex wife who wanted to divorce and she will use the false assumption that virtually every woman with stepchildren is also a home wrecker.

And so, this thinking goes, having ruined a marriage and a family, SM has no right to think of herself, her own feelings, her own situation, at all. Now that she has destroyed a family, caring about herself one iota or asserting that she will not be mistreated in her own home is akin to an outrage: SHE must sacrifice herself at the altar of his kids and take whatever [injustices] his ex, kids and the world dishes out because of what she has allegedly done.”

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people"...Jack Handey

TheOtherMom's picture

SO TRUE!

SO TRUE!

"Never teach a puppy something you wouldn't want a grown dog to do," - Cesar Milan.

The same can be said for children - NEVER teach a child something you don't want an adult to do.

carina8181's picture

but you are right that ex

but you are right that ex wife does wot ever she wants gets away with it and then the new wife has to eat her dust and have a big smile(FOR THE SHAKE OF KIS WHO ARE NOT EVEN HERS),and if not the smart asses will start judge if u react to it and decorate you with lovely names such as grow up immature,mean ,bitchy,crazy,ecc...
i so hate it!!i am way more normal than that ex i would never cheat or divorce for light reaons for the shake of my kids!but because i hate her kids suddently i am worse than that woman!!!rediculus!WELL I AM not as other steps mothers i just dont wont those kids around is a reminder of the ex no matter wot they tell me its part of her and that is wot matters to me. well that dosent make us mean its a deferent kind of hate is the hate we have for an other woman trying to get our husband,sombody who was intimate with out man,hate of a previus girl friend, is not personal hate ,we dont hate en ex cause she is bad just we hate her cause she had sexual contact with our man and those kids are the result of it.sorry i dont understad you so good cause i am not native speaker as you may see...

carina8181's picture

wot u mean exactly with

wot u mean exactly with innocence?can you explain your self in more simple way?we are not all natives:)
i get the part that people forget the ex ask divorce and then all the people ignore the feelings and the wishes of a new partner, and all goes for the shake of the kids

i find it outragous unfair to demand a person to sacrifice her life her feelings for the kids of someone who plain and simple divorced for no obvious reasons.just is not right no matter how cruel its for kids its just aint right. people keep think that is as if the guy was widowed, like in the past, its not the same,
in a divorce there are choices ,and responsibilities. actions are made by the offenders pure choice and would be easly avoided, unlike a death that is inevitable and its a situation at no fault

that damn divorce increases like crazy it should be limited .i find it so greedy some people are so selfish make kids divorce and plain simple through the shit and responsibility to an other victim. i would suggest since the social mentality is the new partner to swallow the shit and is gona be a war at no win. i would reccomend run to the hills and avoid a man with kids its just fashistic situation that gona harm ur self esteem ur mood ur life,and you sigh up for more trouble than you ever whish ,just stick up with single ones free from terrible baggage. let them marry some one with kids so they will taste the horror its more fair and is the only solution i can think of. if i would suggest to cut the ties with the ex and the kids i think they gona just kill you.but i know it happens.well too bad i think parents should think twice before they divorce its not a game i get disgusted when they feel so guilty after and pretend they care so much of their children they are a bunch of idiots if both parents cared they would never divorce cause u woould do anything for ur kid right?apparently THOUGH IS FAR FROM IT AND THEN YOU F.ING DARE ASK FROM THE NEW WIFE TO SACRIFICE?????IS THAT DOUBLE STANDART F..K OFF TO ALL YOU JUDGE I GET SO PISSED WITH ALL THOSE HYPOCITRESS STOPPPPPPPPP DIVORCEE SEEMS NOBODY WORRY ABOUT THAT THEY JUST WORRY HOW TO FORCE THEIR BASTARDS TO OTHER PEOPLE.

carina8181's picture

ARG

ARG

carina8181's picture

wot u mean exactly with

wot u mean exactly with innocence?can you explain your self in more simple way?we are not all natives:)
i get the part that people forget the ex ask divorce and then all the people ignore the feelings and the wishes of a new partner, and all goes for the shake of the kids

i find it outragous unfair to demand a person to sacrifice her life her feelings for the kids of someone who plain and simple divorced for no obvious reasons.just is not right no matter how cruel its for kids its just aint right. people keep think that is as if the guy was widowed, like in the past, its not the same,
in a divorce there are choices ,and responsibilities. actions are made by the offenders pure choice and would be easly avoided, unlike a death that is inevitable and its a situation at no fault

that damn divorce increases like crazy it should be limited .i find it so greedy some people are so selfish make kids divorce and plain simple through the shit and responsibility to an other victim. i would suggest since the social mentality is the new partner to swallow the shit and is gona be a war at no win. i would reccomend run to the hills and avoid a man with kids its just fashistic situation that gona harm ur self esteem ur mood ur life,and you sigh up for more trouble than you ever whish ,just stick up with single ones free from terrible baggage. let them marry some one with kids so they will taste the horror its more fair and is the only solution i can think of. if i would suggest to cut the ties with the ex and the kids i think they gona just kill you.but i know it happens.well too bad i think parents should think twice before they divorce its not a game i get disgusted when they feel so guilty after and pretend they care so much of their children they are a bunch of idiots if both parents cared they would never divorce cause u woould do anything for ur kid right?apparently THOUGH IS FAR FROM IT AND THEN YOU F.ING DARE ASK FROM THE NEW WIFE TO SACRIFICE?????IS THAT DOUBLE STANDART F..K OFF TO ALL YOU JUDGE I GET SO PISSED WITH ALL THOSE HYPOCITRESS STOPPPPPPPPP DIVORCEE SEEMS NOBODY WORRY ABOUT THAT THEY JUST WORRY HOW TO FORCE THEIR BASTARDS TO OTHER PEOPLE.

carina8181's picture

ERM

ERM

carina8181's picture

I CANT REPEAT IT ENOOUGH

I CANT REPEAT IT ENOOUGH

carina8181's picture

K

K

carina8181's picture

that damn divorce increases

that damn divorce increases like crazy

hismineandours's picture

The article makes me mad

The article makes me mad too-it acts on the presumption that there is something wrong with a stepmother being more nurturing, affectionate, and overall positive with their biological children. I think until these ideas that we as stepmothers must love our skids exactly like our own child these sorts of stereotypes will persist. I dont understand how come my ss can treat me less positively, give me less attention, be less affectionate with ME vs BM and that is ok, understandable-but if I do not treat him as lovingly as my own child then society starts talking about abuse?
Is it not possible for me, as a stepmother, to have a relationship with my ss that is not patterned on my relationship with my bio kids? I am not saying the relationship has to be conflictual or negative, in fact, it could be excellent-but bottom line is it IS different and why can't society as a whole accept that?

TheOtherMom's picture

I think society can't accept

I think society can't accept it because it is easier to blame adults than to blame children?
In a way, most people have a hard time accepting children have negative thoughts ... how shocked are we when we hear about the children who hurt others or murder family pets? Okay a little out there but the concept applies. It is the mentality behind it.
Besides, children - and even some adults - have a growing mind and to make a judgement that they "hate" someone isn't really the same as when an adult says they "hate" someone.
For a child, it is just a word to describe some negative feeling.
For some adults who are not self aware I guess it is the same thing?

"Never teach a puppy something you wouldn't want a grown dog to do," - Cesar Milan.

The same can be said for children - NEVER teach a child something you don't want an adult to do.

TheOtherMom's picture

I just read the Martin Daly

I just read the Martin Daly link/article and it is a travesty .. but interesting how he addresses resentment as such a strong fueling force in poor stepchildren-stepparent relationships.

"Never teach a puppy something you wouldn't want a grown dog to do," - Cesar Milan.

The same can be said for children - NEVER teach a child something you don't want an adult to do.

Rags's picture

I think that in mammals in

I think that in mammals in general there is a genetic preference for our own offspring. Lions kill the young of predecessor when a new dominant male is crowned. Many mammals do.

I think that even in cases of Sparents who have no biological children their is a tendency to prefer that the spawn of another man not be in our homes.

That was the case for me when my wife and I were dating. I found that when I was in my GFs home I had no problem interfacing positively with her son. When we were in my house I had almost a visceral reaction to his presence in my home. It took a ton of self imposed control to not be too rough with him when he did something I did not like, etc...

However, humans are not animals and we have intellect and responsibility of choice that comes with it. I worked through my issues and have had a significantly positive relationship with my son (SS) since my early issues.

I am not entirely sure if the WikiPedia assumption that there is a direct corollary between StepParents and abuse is valid. There are far more abusive BioParents than abusive Sparents. I think that the media tends to label abusive or murdering BioParens as mentally ill and abusive or murdering Sparents as criminal.

In general I take issue with most pseudo scientific "experts" who try to pass what they do off as science. A single contra indicative result makes any theory suspect. A single non murdering non abusive StepParent blows a giant hole in this soft pseudo science theory. There is no way to design an experiment to prove it and there is no way to make a definitive factual statement about the correlation between Sparents and abuse.

It could be said that abuse by Sparents is increasing. Puzzled Sure it is, because 2nd marriages are increasing.

I would suspect that abuse and Sparenting has little actual relationship.

But I am an engineer and I deal primarily with application of hard science rather than trying to turn loose assumptions in to fact.

IMHO of course.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not a buddy.-Rags

If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR

If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

jojo68's picture

Oedipus complex and Electra

Oedipus complex and Electra complex would have a something to do with all this too. Puzzled

"Never allow someone to be your priority when you are only their option"

distorted reality's picture

Hmm.... I had to go look that

Hmm.... I had to go look that up, thank you very much... lol Smiling

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/concepts/oedipus_com...

Yep, right with you... Puzzled

"Too long a sacrifice, can make a stone of the heart."
~Yeats~